I cannot concentrate on prayer and it’s really weighing heavily on me. Whether it’s the Rosary, the Divine Office hours, or Mass, I cannot seem to concentrate on anything for long. (Side note: I can’t concentrate on non-religious things either.) If I indeed have Hashimoto’s — and it’s looking more and more like I do — that would explain the lack of concentration and the poor memory/information retention. I’m trying to be kinder to myself by giving myself reminders that this is not because I want to be distracted; that this seems to be beyond my control due to health issues. But it’s still hard.
I stopped watching the daily Mass live-streamed from the Knock Shrine this week because I felt so disrespectful to Christ knowing that my attention span would not be good enough to listen attentively. I found myself doing something else in the middle of the consecration — sometimes without realizing it — and I felt awful. I sometimes was aware of what I was doing but somehow didn’t have the willpower to stop, making excuses that I still knew what was happening in Mass and that I had other things to do though I knew they weren’t as important. I don’t know how else to explain it other than what I want to do and what I did were something I had no control over. And this is something I’ve been struggling with for months.
My spiritual director knows. I told him from the first time I fell back into a bad pattern I had successfully avoided for several years. All of a sudden, it popped up again and I felt I had no control over it. I still don’t think I have any control over it but this time I’ve been asking my Guardian Angel and St. Joseph to help keep me strong. And for several novenas — including the one to the Sacred Heart right now — I’ve been asking for help with this mental brain fog and disconnect from my mind to my actions because it’s frustrating. And, again, it’s not even only in my spiritual life. A couple of days ago, I had zero desire to eat or drink but I did it because I knew I had to. I literally forced myself to eat and take my medications in the morning.
Sometimes I wonder how much of it is due to health issues and if there’s a possibility — no matter how small — of it being some sort of spiritual warfare because of what I’m discerning and what I’ve become. Because this all started around the time I made my Final Act of Oblation as a Benedictine oblate and it’s only gotten worse.
As I keep telling my spiritual director (and friends) I rarely get consolation in and from prayer. It feels like I’m just going through the motions — even when I can’t concentrate. It’s like I’m a body that has been programmed to do certain things on autopilot. But I know I do them, whether I feel it or not, out of love of God and obedience to the Holy Rule of St. Benedict. It would be so much “easier” to not pray almost all (except for Matins) Hours of the day. It would be less time consuming to only read the little portion of the Holy Rule without the commentary. But I do it because I’ve made promises and I intend to keep fighting whatever is causing all of this.
All these little things occasionally make me wonder if I’m really called to be a consecrated virgin because I’m failing at what a CV is supposed to be and do. I haven’t been to a physical Mass since October 27, 2021. I can’t be an active member of my parish community because I spend most of my days at home, in bed. I can’t work to support myself as I should (though I do have an income which I use to pay half of the rent and my expensive) and it won’t be enough for me to live on my own without a roommate or two to split the cost of rent and utilities. And I can’t even absorb what I’m praying because of this horrendous brain fog that has pretty much taken over in the last year.
But then I think… what if God is still calling me to a CV, but not one that looks like everyone else? What if I just need to be — to do what I’m doing, which is fighting to do what I know I must and what I know I’ve loved (even if I haven’tt felt that way in several months). Because I still remember that moment, at Clear Creek Abbey, when we went to Mass and I received the Eucharist and I felt, deep in my heart, that beautiful confirmation that I was discerning what God was asking of me; that I could never love Jesus more. And I remember that time, more than 15 years ago, when I was walking towards the altar, on my way to receive the Eucharist during the Sunday 8:30 a.m. Mass, when I felt like I was a bride, going up to meet her bridegroom, only (at the time) I didn’t understand it… or why I couldn’t picture a groom through I could easily imagine myself in a white dress, the light streaming in through the stained glass windows.
And I think it’s those memories that keep me going. Knowing that feelings don’t matter in these circumstances. Knowing that I do what I do for love of Christ, even when it makes no sense to me. It doesn’t mean it’s not hard and that I wish this would all disappear. It’s hard and I get really down on myself but I’m trying to give myself a break. I can’t watch daily Mass without being completely distracted? Okay, I’ll just find a Mass on Sunday that will work best for me and my limited attention span. I can’t retain or meditate on all the words in prayers? That’s okay. I’ll try to repeat them until I can absorb them, even if it only lasts for a moment.
I’ve often joked that my surname (Guerrero) means “warrior” in Spanish for a reason but I’ve always meant it in terms of the physical ailments I go through. Now I can see how it also applies to my spiritual life. I’m trying. I’m fighting to keep myself going, to not let myself fall into that desolating spiritual desert that often wants to pull me back in. I also see why I was born on the feast of St. Joan of Arc. Yeah, I see what You did there, Lord. Lol.
Anyway, today is the first day in several weeks that I’ve had enough mental clarity to write something that wasn’t as superficial as the other posts so… this is why I wrote it out. It’s the last day of school for the kiddos in our apartment building — which means the last time I’m going to be able to get in a mid-morning nap without the chaos — so I’m going to try to rest as I’m feeling tired. As usual.
I hope you all had a lovely week and have a great weekend!
As always, thanks for reading and God bless! 😊
1 comment:
I also heavily struggle with concentration during prayer and mass and it makes me both sad and embarrassed about my offering to the Lord. I recognize that I am a sinful flawed human being but nevertheless loved by the Lord more than I could possibly imagine. In my heart I believe that our Lord sees our efforts and perseverance to make that connection with him through these actions of devotion, he sees beyond our inherent human weakness and thus he joyfully accepts our offering despite its imperfection. We must always strive and persevere to improve our relationship with him, at the same time trusting in his pure love and mercy. He saw the flawed human nature of his apostles and still loved them. We can trust that he will love us just the same.
May the love of our Heavenly Father sustain you and bless all of your life.
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