Holy Spirit, Dat You?: Anniversaries Edition

 I don’t know why but the idea of doing something special between my oblate novitiate anniversary (June 30th) and the anniversary of my Final Act of Oblation (August 22nd) popped up in my mind right as my alarm for None went off. I thought about doing the 54-day Rosary novena but didn’t know how many days were in between both anniversaries. It’s exactly 54 days! I could start on the day of my fourth novitiate anniversary and finish on the day of my second anniversary of my Oblation.

I haven’t written about this — I haven’t really talked to friends about this either — but lately I’ve had an inkling that there is about to be a major life change coming up. The last time I had this feeling was when I made my Final Act of Oblation… which I wasn’t anticipating doing until sister Elisabeth invited me to go to Clear Creek Abbey with her family that summer. As the youngins say, “it wasn’t on my bingo card.” These last couple of weeks (months?) have felt similar, but in a different way.

It sometimes seems like God has been preparing me, mentally and even spiritually (despite the spiritual aridity stemming from the perpetual brain fog), for months. All the health setbacks (more on this in a bit). All the work I’ve had to keep my spiritual life intact despite the craziness. The big mistakes I’ve made. All the “Blind Girl Achievements” I’ve made this year — some of which I haven’t even shared on this blog… It all feels like it’s part of a bigger plan; one that God has been preparing me for without me realizing it.

I could be wrong. After all, feelings and inklings can lead one astray. But, I don’t know… I can’t shake this off. And then you factor in that the idea of the Rosary novena randomly popped into my mind, just as I was about to pray… and with my history of amazing prayers answered during the novena… I think maybe I should do it.

If you’ve been reading this blog long enough, you know what big life changes have come as a result of the Rosary novena, the biggest one being the start of my vocation discernment to consecrated virginity in late 2019. I started praying for clarity on discernment of marriage with someone and it ended with prayers for discernment on whether God was called me to be a bride of Christ instead.

 The only thing is that I don’t know what to pray for/about. There is something deep in me that is telling me not to pray for health; to accept and carry these health crosses. There are now the additions of a gastroenterologist and a nutritionist to my medical team as per primary doctor and endocrinologist’s requests after chronic pancreatitis and new stomach issues, most likely stemming from the long-term use of the oral hydrocortisone for my adrenal insufficiency. 

I don’t think I’m meant to pray specifically about my vocation discernment either. I’m pretty much stuck where I am until I can talk to Archbishop Gomez. I have the green light from my SD to move forward but there have been a couple of obstacles along the way so it’s been going slower than I had thought it would take. But I’m in this for the long-haul. Even if I don’t get publicly consecrated, the ring has been picked out for either public consecration or private vows.  And hey, new book that just arrived:

I have no idea what I need to pray for… but I feel like I need to do this novena, especially between both of my anniversaries. Maybe I just need to pray for wisdom, or perseverance, or something. Maybe I’ll have to be vague. “Whatever it is that I will need, Lord, for this chapter in my life… I entrust it and my soul into Your hands.”

Anyway, just a little something I wanted to write. It’s almost time for my snack (to take my last dose of hydrocortisone of the day) so I’ll stop here. I’ll keep y’all updated on this. All I will say is that have a very joyful feeling going forward… and I’ve yet to know why.

I hope y’all had a lovely weekend and have a great week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! 😊

Feeling the Loss of Community

 

Photo by Vonecia Carswell on Unsplash

Even though I haven’t been able to do as much as I would’ve wanted by this point (for the year) because I’ve spent the last several months in bed, God has been opening up my eyes to things that I’ve known were true but have only become “real” during this time. One of the two biggest ones I’ve been really contemplating lately is how the lack of community really affects us.

Earlier today, a friend sent me a YouTube video link for a video on a woman’s progress in ditching her smartphone. One of the things she talked about was how downgrading to a “dumb phone” showed that not only did she get so few calls that she wanted to install a landline instead of having a cell phone (because people don’t like to call anymore) but that it really drove home how much we need community outside of the virtual world. And I agree. I used a flip phone for THREE days earlier this month and I got almost no texts and zero calls. Granted, it was only three days (though I’m still on a quest to figure out how to use it without it giving me a migraine) but even with a smartphone, we just don’t communicate like we used to. 

Most of us (and I’m including myself in this category) update our social media feeds and expect people to know what’s going on with us. “Didn’t you see my update?” Is something I’ve seen/read more than once. It’s become an expectation; like a mass email that we expect everyone to get and know. But we don’t. I’ve been trying to be more conscience of not doing this. If something major is going on, I will go through my contacts list and message those whom I want to share the news with. If it’s something that I feel needs more than a quick text, I’ll send them an email with details for them to read when they can. But this is just my thing. I don’t expect everyone else to do it as well.

But this also goes beyond social media. I feel the loss of community as a whole. As much as I appreciate the wonderful offline friendships I’ve made thanks to the internet, an online community cannot substitute an in-person one. I’ve read studies about towns in Italy and other places where most of their residents are healthy and living to old age because of how strong their community is. We are not meant to live alone and the longer I’m stuck at home, the more obvious it becomes.

I don’t live on my own; I live with my widowed mother. But you can tell the difference when we’ve had conversations in person with neighbors. It doesn’t happen often for me as I only go out for doctor appointments and hospital visits but I honestly notice how interacting with people really does impact my health in a positive way. Sadly, I don’t get many visitors as most friends are currently living far away (and more are leaving California) and those who *do* live here are busy with their own lives (it feels like everyone is working more than usual just to be able to afford life necessities) so I don’t get to see anyone. I think the last friend who visited came in December (shout out to Br. Chris, OFM Conv!) and before him no one in several months. I know it’s because everyone is trying to keep me healthy (I’ve had friends cancel plans to visit because they’ve gotten sick) and I’m so grateful for their consideration and love…. But it still stinks.

Before the pandemic, we used to find ways to hang out — go out for a meal, go to Mass together, go exploring, etc. I even felt the great sense of community with my fellow parishioners when I used to go to daily Mass (at least three times per week), even if I didn’t really talk to many people. I was thriving (despite my quickly escalating health issues) during that time. And then the lockdowns happened. And then my health got to where it is now and with it came restrictions. 

Some of those doctor-ordered restrictions have lessened lately but not all. I still have to mask when I go out, especially if I won’t be outdoors with some distance from others; people still have to wear masks when visiting because we live in an apartment and don’t have a private area to entertain guests outside. Part of me wants to rebel against those orders but then I remember how important obedience is. As long as I’m not doing anything contrary to the Faith, I mst obey my doctors’ orders. 

Some people are not comfortable with masks because of what happened during the pandemic, with the restrictions and the mandates. And I totally get it. The last time we went to Mass, my mom said we got a couple of dirty looks from people because we wore masks. I’m glad I didn’t see it and I would’ve been okay not knowing it. But that’s the reality.

And, again, I get it. If I was healthy enough, this wouldn’t be an issue. If I didn’t have an adrenal insufficiency — for which even a “simpe” stomach flu requires me to double up on medication and/or head to the ER for an emergency dose of hydrocortisone and/or IV fluids — I would be out and about or not having to aak friends to be a little more careful when visiting.

The one thing that my time in bed, away from the Sacraments and a community, has taught me is that I really need that community. At the moment, it’s my inability to go out for long periods of time that has me away from all of that. I can endure dirty looks from folks for masking (side note: I wore masks during flu season for years before the pandemic because my immune system has been shot for years). I can endure having to take extra time to get to and from places when using Access Paratransit or paying a lot of $$$ to use Lyft to get to Mass. I just need my body to cooperate with me. As summer begins (though it still feels like winter/spring in L.A. at the moment), my opportunities for Mass shrink as my body has a harder time regulating temperatures — anything over 75 degrees Fahrenheit and I start to get nauseous and faint; anything over 68 and I start sweating cold, I get nauseous, and faint. 

I also think about how dangerous simply going outside our apartment has become. Shootings. Stabbings. Multiple of our female neighbors almost getting muggged. A homeless guy went up to my mom, hugged her and kissed her cheek while walking to do a nearby errand a few months ago… and this was months after she nearly got mugged twice in the same morning when going grocery shopping. There is a big worry about me going out on my own because I can’t see faces or details so I’m more vulnerable to these things but, honestly, I would brave it (and ask my Guardian Angel and St. Joseph to protect me) if I could just feel well enough to go to Mass.

That’s all I want — to get to Mass in person. I want to be around other Catholics and feel that community, even if o one talks to me or approaches me because homegirl needs to mask until doctors (my endo more than anyone at this point) give me the all clear).

I’ve been asking God to help me figure out if this city / state is where God wants me. I’ve tried to find ways to leave but something always happens I’m stuck. I was planning on moving pre-pandemic but then that happened and then my health issues happened so I was forced to stay. Finances are currently what’s keeping me here; I can find doctors or my conditions anywhere. I would have to live near a city or suburbs to make life as a visually impaired/legally blind person easier in terms of transportation and life basics (getting food delivered, etc) but I think I could do that anywhere… as long as it was where God wanted me.

This ended up being way longer than I intended but I think I’ll stop here because y’all get the gist of it… and my alarm just went off for Terce.

I’ll leave y’all with this: if you are able to be a part of a community — no matter how small — be grateful. I never knew what a blessing it was until I was deprived of one. If you have friends who are homebound due to health issues, chec in with them once in a while. Even us introverts appreciate a phone call once in a while; it helps us feel less lonely. And if you’re in my shoes, don’t despair. Keep asking God for that community that you long for. I pray for mine, though I haven’t seen most for months/years at this point. God will make sure you (and I) will find the one we most need when we need it.

I hope you all have a lovely solemnity of the Most Holy Sacred Heart of Jesus and a great weekend!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!  

My Ongoing Battle with My Spiritual Life & Vocation Discernment

 

I cannot concentrate on prayer and it’s really weighing heavily on me. Whether it’s the Rosary, the Divine Office hours, or Mass, I cannot seem to concentrate on anything for long. (Side note: I can’t concentrate on non-religious things either.) If I indeed have Hashimoto’s — and it’s looking more and more like I do — that would explain the lack of concentration and the poor memory/information retention. I’m trying to be kinder to myself by giving myself reminders that this is not because I want to be distracted; that this seems to be beyond my control due to health issues. But it’s still hard.

I stopped watching the daily Mass live-streamed from the Knock Shrine this week because I felt so disrespectful to Christ knowing that my attention span would not be good enough to listen attentively. I found myself doing something else in the middle of the consecration — sometimes without realizing it — and I felt awful. I sometimes was aware of what I was doing but somehow didn’t have the willpower to stop, making excuses that I still knew what was happening in Mass and that I had other things to do though I knew they weren’t as important. I don’t know how else to explain it other than what I want to do and what I did were something I had no control over. And this is something I’ve been struggling with for months.

My spiritual director knows. I told him from the first time I fell back into a bad pattern I had successfully avoided for several years. All of a sudden, it popped up again and I felt I had no control over it. I still don’t think I have any control over it but this time I’ve been asking my Guardian Angel and St. Joseph to help keep me strong. And for several novenas — including the one to the Sacred Heart right now — I’ve been asking for help with this mental brain fog and disconnect from my mind to my actions because it’s frustrating. And, again, it’s not even only in my spiritual life. A couple of days ago, I had zero desire to eat or drink but I did it because I knew I had to. I literally forced myself to eat and take my medications in the morning.

Sometimes I wonder how much of it is due to health issues and if there’s a possibility — no matter how small — of it being some sort of spiritual warfare because of what I’m discerning and what I’ve become. Because this all started around the time I made my Final Act of Oblation as a Benedictine oblate and it’s only gotten worse.

As I keep telling my spiritual director (and friends) I rarely get consolation in and from prayer. It feels like I’m just going through the motions — even when I can’t concentrate. It’s like I’m a body that has been programmed to do certain things on autopilot. But I know I do them, whether I feel it or not, out of love of God and obedience to the Holy Rule of St. Benedict. It would be so much “easier” to not pray almost all (except for Matins) Hours of the day. It would be less time consuming to only read the little portion of the Holy Rule without the commentary. But I do it because I’ve made promises and I intend to keep fighting whatever is causing all of this.

All these little things occasionally make me wonder if I’m really called to be a consecrated virgin because I’m failing at what a CV is supposed to be and do. I haven’t been to a physical Mass since October 27, 2021. I can’t be an active member of my parish community because I spend most of my days at home, in bed. I can’t work to support myself as I should (though I do have an income which I use to pay half of the rent and my expensive) and it won’t be enough for me to live on my own without a roommate or two to split the cost of rent and utilities. And I can’t even absorb what I’m praying because of this horrendous brain fog that has pretty much taken over in the last year. 

But then I think… what if God is still calling me to a CV, but not one that looks like everyone else? What if I just need to be — to do what I’m doing, which is fighting to do what I know I must and what I know I’ve loved (even if I haven’tt felt that way in several months). Because I still remember that moment, at Clear Creek Abbey, when we went to Mass and I received the Eucharist and I felt, deep in my heart, that beautiful confirmation that I was discerning what God was asking of me; that I could never love Jesus more. And I remember that time, more than 15 years ago, when I was walking towards the altar, on my way to receive the Eucharist during the Sunday 8:30 a.m. Mass, when I felt like I was a bride, going up to meet her bridegroom, only (at the time) I didn’t understand it… or why I couldn’t picture a groom through I could easily imagine myself in a white dress, the light streaming in through the stained glass windows.

And I think it’s those memories that keep me going. Knowing that feelings don’t matter in these circumstances. Knowing that I do what I do for love of Christ, even when it makes no sense to me. It doesn’t mean it’s not hard and that I wish this would all disappear. It’s hard and I get really down on myself but I’m trying to give myself a break. I can’t watch daily Mass without being completely distracted? Okay, I’ll just find a Mass on Sunday that will work best for me and my limited attention span. I can’t retain or meditate on all the words in prayers? That’s okay. I’ll try to repeat them until I can absorb them, even if it only lasts for a moment.

I’ve often joked that my surname (Guerrero) means “warrior” in Spanish for a reason but I’ve always meant it in terms of the physical ailments I go through. Now I can see how it also applies to my spiritual life. I’m trying. I’m fighting to keep myself going, to not let myself fall into that desolating spiritual desert that often wants to pull me back in. I also see why I was born on the feast of St. Joan of Arc. Yeah, I see what You did there, Lord. Lol.

Anyway, today is the first day in several weeks that I’ve had enough mental clarity to write something that wasn’t as superficial as the other posts so… this is why I wrote it out. It’s the last day of school for the kiddos in our apartment building — which means the last time I’m going to be able to get in a mid-morning nap without the chaos — so I’m going to try to rest as I’m feeling tired. As usual.

I hope you all had a lovely week and have a great weekend!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! 😊

Big Health Update

 

Photo by Max van dnr Oetelaar on Unsplash

Something in me said, “look up (actress) Gina Rodriguez’s journey with Hashimoto’s disease” this morning and I’m glad I did… because it validates a lot of what I’ve been experiencing over the last year plus.

This is something I’ve only shared with those closest’s to me: my new endocrinologist suspects I have Hashimoto’s disease… an autoimmune disease that would explain all of my symptoms and then some. It could be that missing link; the autoimmune condition that so many doctors (from primary to hematologist to rheumatologists over the years) have suspected without being able to pinpoint exactly what it was. How we got here has been quite the journey but it all started with an unexpected discovery: I tested negative for Addison’s disease.

You’ve read that correctly. I tested negative for Addison’s, something I’ve been carrying around with me for a long time. That is why I no longer refer to having Addison’s on social media; why I’ve now been saying the more generalize “adrenal insufficiency.” My new endo — whom I just started seeing at the beginning of this year — had me tested for Addison’s due to the conflicting diagnoses of my two former endos. I was told it was secondary adrenal insufficiency at first. That endo also gave me hope that it would one day heal. The second endo — who I only saw for 6 months before she retired — said it was Addison’s. So, the new one had me tested and I don’t have the markers for it. I still have adrenal insufficiency, but it doesn’t look like it’s Addison’s. Since I still have multiple symptoms and still need the medication, the endo decided to dig deeper after my latest thyroid ultrasound showed that I had a new thyroid nodule and that I’ve had an inflamed thyroid for at least 6 years.

None of my former doctors had mentioned the thyroid issues. NONE. I wasn’t even diagnosed with hypothyroidism until I was also diagnosed with adrenal insufficiency and bilateral optic nerve atrophy in October 2020. I’ve been on meds for the hypothyroidism since then as well. The meds have been working but I think it was a slew of new symptoms that tipped my new endo off.

I haven’t shared this publicly (though some friends in my close friends list on Instagram saw): I had lost most of my right eyebrow last year. Neither my primary nor dermatologist knew the exact cause of it, though the dermatologist theorized it could’ve been the adrenal insufficiency. I learned just this morning — thanks to that video with Gina — that that is actually a Hashimoto’s symptom. That along with several others — most of which have slowly popped up over the last year — point to Hashimoto’s with adrenal insufficiency being secondary and caused by the Hashimoto’s.  

Last week I went back to the ER due to new and somewhat troubling symptoms. I might not have Addison’s but I can still have an adrenal crisis with secondary A.I. My entire body felt weak yet heavy. All of my muscles were tense and stiff. My joints were as well. I felt too weak to even sit up. It was very similar to the symptoms I had with pancreatitis but the all-body stiffness was new as was the back pain. As soon as I saw that the back pain wasn’t going away, I made the decision to head to the ER because it’s one of the biggest adrenal crisis symptoms and you don’t mess with that. All tests came back normal. The doctor couldn’t figure out my latest symptoms and asked what my primary thought. I told him I didn’t know; he didn’t know about the latest symptoms. I couldn’t get a hold of my endo either which meant ER trip for me. This has been drilled into me by all endos in the last almost 3 years. When I got home, the thought to look up Hashimoto’s symptoms popped into my mind and, sure enough, they were all symptoms of a flare up. 

 Even though Hashimoto’s isn’t fun, it would be a huge sigh of relief for me. Getting the diagnosis I mean. It would allow me to try new things to help symptoms for this specific disease. It would also mean that the latent autoimmune disease that so many doctors have been waiting to diagnose has finally developed enough to have a proper diagnosis. 

I don’t know why but I feel like this is finally it; that I’m going to get the proper diagnosis that will help me get out of this terrible health rut I’ve been since November 2021. That’s when the fatigue got worse. That’s when I started spending almost all of my time in bed. That’s when all the other symptoms started popping up and the existing ones got worse. As I’ve learned from Gina’s experience, sometimes it takes years from the hypothyroidism diagnosis to get to the Hashimoto’s diagnosis. I just pray that God, in the Holy Spirit, will guide my doctors down the right path.

Anyway, I just wanted to share that. I was going to wait until I got the test results for Hashimoto’s in early August but I felt a tug to share this now, especially with some well-meaning folks on social media insisting that I have other illnesses or trying to diagnose me and “cure me” based on their unofficial diagnoses. I thank them all very much for their concern but sometimes it’s a bit overwhelming because they don’t let things drop and they treat me like a stubborn unintelligent person and I don’t have the mental capacity (my brain fog, lack of concentration, and memory issues are getting worse — all Hashimoto’s symptoms) to deal with that.

I’m feeling very physically and mentally drained (thanks, neighbors who partied until very late last night) so I’m going to try to get a little nap in while the kids aren’t outside. 

I hope you are all doing well! And my apologies for not writing more often. It seems like I’ve had flare ups of multiple things all at once so I’ve been, basically, sleeping and simply trying to exist most days. 

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!