Getting Everything I Ever Wanted

 

Photo by Olivia Bollen on Unsplash

I never realized that God has given me everything I’ve ever asked for… even if it’s not been exactly as I had imagined. It took me reading — well, having Kindle read to me — Habits for Holiness by Fr. Mark-Mary Ames CFR that I realized this. Now, I’m writing this only 13% or so into the book so I’m sure I’ll learn more but I felt compelled to write this down.

Where I paused the book, Fr. Mark-Mary wrote about his experience with the Poor Clares in Honduras, specifically how small their cloister is and how much joy they have in that small space. As I listened to it, I could hear an inner voice saying, “This is what you wanted… and you got it.” It dawned on me that I had, for years, said that I wanted to be an anchoress (a female hermit) and even joked that I sometimes felt like an “urban hermit”… but it just clicked that God granted that desire.

Am I in a cloister? No. Am I in a rural area, on my own? No. I still live in an urban suburb of one of the largest/most populated cities in the U.S. (and possibly the world). But, in my own way and due to circumstances beyond my control, I am living like an anchoress. We rarely have visitors at our apartment due to my health. My doctors have still asked that visitors mask if they must be in our apartment or, better yet, that the visits take place outdoors… which isn’t possible since I’m basically in bed most days. Even though I live with my mom, it’s very much a roommate situation. She stays in her room for most of the day and I’m left to pray or do what I need to on my own in the living room. And, yes, I sleep in the living room — that wasn’t a typo. 

The bulk of my day is spent in prayer, as silent as I can manage since I’m easily distracted otherwise. And, honestly, it’s often one of the few things I can do. Even if all I can do is “simply existing” (as I sometimes say) on difficult health days, I’ve been taught by both my former Oblate master (Fr. Basil of the monks of Norcia) and my current spiritual director that in my suffering, I am doing a form of prayer. I’m always here to take prayer requests or be an ear to someone who needs to talk. And even then, I’m basically on my own until the person needs to talk again. Totally not complaining; just reflecting.

And this is only one example of prayers and desires God has granted me. Through my eyesight loss, my Addison’s diagnosis, my health journey, etc. I’ve gotten what I’ve asked of God. I will have to find the post I wrote over a decade ago, but I remember writing that I felt like God was calling me to be a writer. Even after getting my degree and going after two more (one in a different field), my illnesses and life circumstances have left me able to only (or primarily) write thanks to the advanced tools for visually impaired and the gift and graces God has given me. I can’t do much else… and that’s okay because I feel like this is where God wants me. (Side note: I am not currently writing for Epic Pew or any other publication because I became an unreliable writer and I did not like being unable to meet deadlines due to my constant flare-ups and other health issues.) All I wanted was to write for a living — or to simply have time to write — and I got it. 

I prayed for clarity on whether the man I thought I would marry would be the man God wanted me to marry. At the end of the first 9 days of that annual Rosary novena, I knew he wasn’t… and by the end of the novena I knew God was calling to do the “radical” thing of discerning consecrated virginity instead. I’ve been on that journey for the last 3+ years and it’s been wonderfully fulfilling in its own way. I wanted a husband, children, and a family… and I got them — just not like everyone else usually does.

God has given me everything I’ve ever wanted or prayed for… even if it wasn’t exactly what I thought I wanted. Even “unanswered” prayers were eventually answered, even if it was the opposite of what I was asking for. Instead, God has given me acceptance and even joy in not getting what I asked for because I know (even if some things are still not quite clear) that what He has for me is greater than what I could possibly ask for. Because that’s what a good Father does… and we have the best Father. 

Are there other desires in my heart at the moment? Yes… but I’ll let Him handle the timing of it, whether I get exactly what I’ve been praying for/about or not. Either way, I cannot go wrong opening my heart to Him and allowing Him to provide (or not) as necessary.

Anyway, just a quick little post that was inspired by Habits for Holiness. I still have a little over half an hour before I have to eat a snack for my last dose of hydrocortisone for the day so I’m going to go back to the book and see if I can get the rest of the first chapter in before then.

I hope y’all have a lovely weekend!