Getting Everything I Ever Wanted

 

Photo by Olivia Bollen on Unsplash

I never realized that God has given me everything I’ve ever asked for… even if it’s not been exactly as I had imagined. It took me reading — well, having Kindle read to me — Habits for Holiness by Fr. Mark-Mary Ames CFR that I realized this. Now, I’m writing this only 13% or so into the book so I’m sure I’ll learn more but I felt compelled to write this down.

Where I paused the book, Fr. Mark-Mary wrote about his experience with the Poor Clares in Honduras, specifically how small their cloister is and how much joy they have in that small space. As I listened to it, I could hear an inner voice saying, “This is what you wanted… and you got it.” It dawned on me that I had, for years, said that I wanted to be an anchoress (a female hermit) and even joked that I sometimes felt like an “urban hermit”… but it just clicked that God granted that desire.

Am I in a cloister? No. Am I in a rural area, on my own? No. I still live in an urban suburb of one of the largest/most populated cities in the U.S. (and possibly the world). But, in my own way and due to circumstances beyond my control, I am living like an anchoress. We rarely have visitors at our apartment due to my health. My doctors have still asked that visitors mask if they must be in our apartment or, better yet, that the visits take place outdoors… which isn’t possible since I’m basically in bed most days. Even though I live with my mom, it’s very much a roommate situation. She stays in her room for most of the day and I’m left to pray or do what I need to on my own in the living room. And, yes, I sleep in the living room — that wasn’t a typo. 

The bulk of my day is spent in prayer, as silent as I can manage since I’m easily distracted otherwise. And, honestly, it’s often one of the few things I can do. Even if all I can do is “simply existing” (as I sometimes say) on difficult health days, I’ve been taught by both my former Oblate master (Fr. Basil of the monks of Norcia) and my current spiritual director that in my suffering, I am doing a form of prayer. I’m always here to take prayer requests or be an ear to someone who needs to talk. And even then, I’m basically on my own until the person needs to talk again. Totally not complaining; just reflecting.

And this is only one example of prayers and desires God has granted me. Through my eyesight loss, my Addison’s diagnosis, my health journey, etc. I’ve gotten what I’ve asked of God. I will have to find the post I wrote over a decade ago, but I remember writing that I felt like God was calling me to be a writer. Even after getting my degree and going after two more (one in a different field), my illnesses and life circumstances have left me able to only (or primarily) write thanks to the advanced tools for visually impaired and the gift and graces God has given me. I can’t do much else… and that’s okay because I feel like this is where God wants me. (Side note: I am not currently writing for Epic Pew or any other publication because I became an unreliable writer and I did not like being unable to meet deadlines due to my constant flare-ups and other health issues.) All I wanted was to write for a living — or to simply have time to write — and I got it. 

I prayed for clarity on whether the man I thought I would marry would be the man God wanted me to marry. At the end of the first 9 days of that annual Rosary novena, I knew he wasn’t… and by the end of the novena I knew God was calling to do the “radical” thing of discerning consecrated virginity instead. I’ve been on that journey for the last 3+ years and it’s been wonderfully fulfilling in its own way. I wanted a husband, children, and a family… and I got them — just not like everyone else usually does.

God has given me everything I’ve ever wanted or prayed for… even if it wasn’t exactly what I thought I wanted. Even “unanswered” prayers were eventually answered, even if it was the opposite of what I was asking for. Instead, God has given me acceptance and even joy in not getting what I asked for because I know (even if some things are still not quite clear) that what He has for me is greater than what I could possibly ask for. Because that’s what a good Father does… and we have the best Father. 

Are there other desires in my heart at the moment? Yes… but I’ll let Him handle the timing of it, whether I get exactly what I’ve been praying for/about or not. Either way, I cannot go wrong opening my heart to Him and allowing Him to provide (or not) as necessary.

Anyway, just a quick little post that was inspired by Habits for Holiness. I still have a little over half an hour before I have to eat a snack for my last dose of hydrocortisone for the day so I’m going to go back to the book and see if I can get the rest of the first chapter in before then.

I hope y’all have a lovely weekend!

A New Health Diagnosis & a Clutter Epiphany

 

Photo by Beth Jnr at Unsplash

What an interesting week I’ve had this week. It started with a trip to the ER on Monday and it’s a continuation of that… and me getting tired of having stuff. Let me explain…

I’ve been feeling sick since the end of last week. Well, it’s been longer than that — I’ve been having a rough health journey since the day before Lent began — but it got worse towards the end of last week. I thought maybe it was a cheeseburger I had (which we got delivered) because it wasn’t the best. Or perhaps it was too much stress on my body from the last dental appointment, which happened on the same day I had the burger. My blood pressure had been dipping a bit a few days before that as well but it seems it got worse during the weekend. I tried to wait it out at home but once I started displaying signs that maybe my adrenals were in trouble, I  decided to go to the ER… and I’m glad I did.

I went to our local hospital — which is, thankfully, close to home — on Monday morning feeling very weak and fatigued. I felt winded when I walked. I was nauseous. And, the symptom that made me decide to go in: I was having pains in my legs, something I learned was a possible sign of an adrenal crisis (along with the other symptoms). There were very few patients there so I was taken in as soon as the COVID test showed a negative result. (Side note: they have to test me before I can be seen because I did not — and cannot — get the COVID vaccine.)

I was lucky that I got my favorite ER doctor who is the most thorough and compassionate doctor at this particular hospital. He was the one who made sure my modesty was respected when I had to get wound-care over the summer following the surgery and he’s just a lovely gentleman. Because he knew a bit of my history, he knew what to order — CT scan, blood work, and IV fluids. They were done in that order as well. 

All the tests came back in the clear except one: a slightly elevated enzyme that show that my pancreas was under the weather. I had a mild case of pancreatitis and didn’t even know it. But it made sense with all the symptoms I had had for several days. Even though my electrolytes were within a good range, I was still dehydrated enough to need two big bags of IV fluids. That’s why I was feeling weak, fatigued, and why I had started getting pains in my legs. I was there for a total of about 5-6 hours, 3 of which were dedicated to the IV fluids. I left with instructions of a low-fat diet and to rest as much as possible for a few days. I have a follow-up appointment with my primary doctor next Monday and I’m still waiting to hear from my new endocrinologist as the pancreatitis may be due to all the medication I take from my Addison’s. 

But that wasn’t the end of the “fun.” The paramedics were called the following day — a little over 24 hours after I left the ER — because I had an unusual and very intense reaction to the medication I take for Addison’s. The paramedics checked me out and said the dosage was most likely too high for me. They asked if I wanted to go to the hospital and I asked them what they thought. They said it didn’t look like I had an allergic reaction and that I could probably ride it out at home so that’s what I did. It took hours for the effects to wear off but the psychological stress is still there. I’ll be okay; just an additional medical PTSD episode I’ll entrust to God.

It’s been a ton of weird moments my body is having as a result of the pancreatitis and other stressors… but it’s shown me how far I’ve come. All of this would’ve sent me into a massive panic attack that would’ve lasted for days. Instead, I was way more calm than my mom… and even tried to joke with the paramedics even though I was breathing rapidly when they checked my vitals. I still have a long way to go but I’ve experienced so much and know my body well enough to know when things are serious and when I have to simply pray the Memorare emergency novena and wrap my Rosary beads around my hand and ride something out at home.

So, how does this fit into me being tired of owning and having so many things? Because it was during the time that I was having the intense reaction to the meds that Amazon arrived with my (early) birthday gifts… and it clicked just how unimportant certain things are. Not my gifts — my mother gave me a hardcover copy of the Commentary for Benedictine Oblates since she knew it was what I most wanted and I got myself the DVD box set of the 1985 version of the Anne of Green Gables series — but the timing was great because God used it to help me reflect on what’s most important.

The days leading up to all the craziness, I’d been trying to cut down on things on my Amazon wish list. I had CDs and DVDs on there since I’ve made the resolution to stream as little as possible (for various reasons). Most of those items have been purchased or gifted and as the list shrinks and I have more physical copies of things, the less I want. I had to delete a few things — and I regretted having others on my list, though I won’t/can’t return them — because I realized how anxious it made me to have a lot. 

For years I taught myself to only get what I needed. Part of that was due to a constant financial strain we’d endured since my father’s passing in July 2009 — and part of that was because I was fine with what I had. I thought that having physical copies of the digital albums I’ve had for years would be great — and they are! — but actually seeing (as well as I can) more stuff has made me a bit anxious. I’m sure it’s more psychological than anything but I honestly didn’t realize just how much clutter I’d accumulated over the years because you don’t see it in its digital formats. Seeing the physical representations really made me realize how many things I think I want/need but don’t truly want/need them. Again, keeping all I’ve gotten but I’m definitely culling my list further as I get closer to my birthday next month. I have always said “no gifts” but I have friends whose love language is gifts and thus don’t listen to me so I have the list so that, at least, it’s something that I truly want and/or need. 

As I sit here, in bed, still recovering from the worst of this bout of pancreatitis, I’m planning on going through my web cloud storage and items on my iDevices and deleting things to reduce my digital clutter. I also plan on going through my email inboxes and deleting most of them. I don’t own a laptop — just a phone, an iPad for writing and other daily tasks to help run this household, and the indestructible Fire tablet for my podcasts, audiobooks, and eBooks — so I don’t have a ton of stuff… but I still enough to spend a few hours (or maybe even days) going through everything and deleting. 

Anyway, that’s it for now. Since it’s Friday, I’m fasting from music (still so hard!) and anything that isn’t a book so I’ll sit here and enjoy the quiet for a little while longer. Once the kids come home from school, it’s going to be the typical rambunctiousness until Monday morning when they go back to school. Gotta soak in the quiet while it lasts. 

I hope y’all had a better week than I did, lol, though there were some great silver linings in the midst of the craziness.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! 😊

Spiritual Numbness and a New Commitment to Christ: Lent 2023 Recap

 

Photo by Shane McKnight on Unsplash

This Lent was probably the most difficult yet beautiful one I’ve had in a long time. 

Just like the start of the annual 54-day Rosary last year, my Lent began day early. One of the most physically debilitating flare-ups in recent years. And that seemed to be the theme this Lent — physical weakness and exhaustion. I spent most of Lent in bed. At one point I felt so weak that I felt like I couldn’t even sit up in bed. I did have my moment of panic because this is one symptom you do *not* want to experience if you have Addison’s as it could signal an adrenal crisis. I kept reminding myself to trust in God; that if it was serious and I needed help, He would make sure I got it. Thankfully, I was okay and it was part of the flare-up. Still, it was wild. 

Most days I slept or felt like I couldn’t get enough sleep. I usually take a nap in between breakfast and lunch because of noisy neighbors and/or something else that keeps me up. Since I have to get up at 6:30 a.m. to take my first medication of the day, falling asleep after 11 p.m. (or being woken up in the wee hours of the day) means I don’t get good quality sleep. Still, sometimes even 2 naps per day weren’t enough. Lots of brain fog and general blah-ness accompanied it. As I keep telling my mom, I’m no good blind nor brain foggy. 

The flare-ups continue, every 2-3 weeks, almost like clockwork. I have a theory as to what might be triggering it but I’ve yet to figure out how to test this theory out. It’s been like this for the past 5 months, which is very unusual for me. I would normally get one every couple of months — and even went over a year without one when I was newly diagnosed with Addison’s — but something triggered these non-stop flare-ups and there’s nothing I can do about it. As the doctor said, there’s really not much we can do but treat it when it flares up… and do the bare minimum since my Addison’s and other medication allergies/intolerances won’t allow for a more aggressive treatment. 

As you can probably guess, I missed all the Lenten festivities. No Ash Wednesday for me. No Palm Sunday. No Holy Week. No Easter Mass. No confession at all. No Mass at all. Well, no in-person Mass. I don’t miss a daily or Sunday Mass live-streamed from the Knock Shrine. When they don’t have their Masses at a time when I’m awake (which is rare), I’ll look elsewhere but I didn’t miss a single one during Lent. I think that helped keep me somewhat on track during Lent. 

Most of the things I was supposed to do (or give up) during Lent…. I failed at. Miserably. Music was the hardest because it’s my first love… and I had a hard time with silence in recent months. I would log into Instagram (because I didn’t give up social media for Lent; it’s not a penance for me) and the reels would start playing… and I sometimes wouldn’t realize I was bopping along to the music until later. D’oh! But my willpower is weak and sometimes I would say, “well, this technically doesn’t have any lyrics in it… I was giving up music with lyrics before I added more to it….” Yeaaaahhh… I’m not proud of those moments but I’m glad they happened because it only helped emphasize how much I need Christ and what a weakling I am.

I *did* do well with giving up fiction though. It was so hard, especially giving in up as part of my bedtime routine to help me fall asleep, but I only slipped once when I listened to a small clip of an audiobook I didn’t know was coming out… and I didn’t go further when I realized what I was doing. 

I was supposed to be reading the biography of St. Gemma Galgani and go over it with my spiritual director but, honestly, I didn’t have the mental capacity for it. I only read the daily readings of the Holy Rule of St. Benedict and started the consecration to St. Joseph in late March but I don’t think I read much beyond that. If I did, I don’t remember. Like I said, I was so exhausted that my brain fog was quite pronounced. It was hard for me, because I’d always prided myself in being a bookworm and “having a brain” for things and I couldn’t even do those things. 

I felt so disconnected from the liturgical season. Feeling disconnected from God is no longer new for me. I’ve been struggling with being in and out of the spiritual desert since shortly after making my Final Act of Oblation. At this point I’ve accepted that I might be seeing a St. (Mother) Teresa of Calcutta type of situation for myself, in which I feel nothing but continue down the path I’ve chosen as a Benedictine oblate and as whatever God is calling me to as a vocation. I just go through the motions at this point — daily Rosary, daily Mass, all the Divine Office (except Matins), and some sort of spiritual reading, even if it’s a couple of pages per day. But I feel… nothing. I’m spiritually numb… and this is where I find the beauty in it.

I feel nothing… but I no longer *need* to feel anything. As a melancholic who feels things deeply, this is so strange to me… but this is where God’s grace kicks it. I don’t feel consolations, or anything, really but I continue to do what I promised out of love for God. Again, I don’t feel that love but I’m expressing it the best way I can, which is to stay faithful to my oblation. I absolutely cannot speak from experience, but I’m guessing it might be something akin to what happens in marriages. You don’t always *feel* the emotions and warm fuzzies towards your spouse but you’re still faithful to them out of love for them. 

If anything, this Lent really drove home how much I need Christ… and how committed I am to giving up my life for him. By that I don’t mean the obvious, though that’s included. By “giving up” my life I mean giving up my independence and selfishness. It means being at the service of the Church in any way Christ needs. It means struggling with the day-to-day on my own (in many ways) instead of having a physical spouse or partner help me carry that cross. It means that I’m willing and ready to say, “my life is no longer mine but Christ’s. May God do with me what He wills” and mean it on a deeper level than I had before. The wedding vows come to mind and, truly, I understand them in a way I hadn’t before… and without a physical groom.  

I just realized how long this post it getting so I’ll say two more things. First, I was ecstatic to have returned to our home parish for the first time in almost a year and a half on Easter Monday. We went for confession and would’ve stayed for Mass except we had to return home because a UPS package required a signature. But, it was the first time in several months (really, since October 27, 2021) that I felt well enough to actually go! I was in mid flare-up recovery as well which was miraculous. I hope to soon be able to return for an actual Mass.

Also, despite failing at being more silent during Lent, I didn’t realize how far I’d come along in terms of embracing silence. I’ve found myself seeking silence more often, even after Lent has ended. Example after watching Mass this past Sunday, there was a beautiful silence. It wasn’t entirely silent — you could hear the lively and cheerful twittering of the birds — but everything else was still. With the morning light streaming into the living room through the windows, I felt this wave of peace engulfing me. There was no hum of the dehumidifier, which had been running non-stop since winter. There were no noisy neighbors. There was nothing but birdsong and sunlight. It didn’t last too long but it lasted long enough to remind me of how far I’ve come since before Lent began. 

So, yes, Lent was difficult (and I didn’t even scratch the surface in other ways it was difficult) but it was also so beautiful in ways that mattered.

Anyway, that’s it for now. I would keep writing but nobody wants to read a book anymore. Haha! I gave up social media for the next month (to see if it helps with my brain fog) so I’ll see if I can write more often. It’ll all depend on my physical health as well.

I hope you’re all having a lovely start to the Easter season!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! 

Blind Girl Achievements™ Unlocked!

I started this post back in February but I started Lent being physically incapable of doing much — which became my theme this Lent as I had the most physically debilitating time in a long time — so this took a back seat to hours of rest and sleep. I’ll talk more about my Lenten journey in (hopefully) my next post but I wanted to share this before I get into the whole Lenten 2023 journey.

As you can probably surmise from the post’s title, I’m really excited to share some of my Blind Girl Achievements ™ that I “unlocked” right before (and even during) Lent.

It’s been so hard for me to adjust to being legally blind. The first year was the hardest and I’m still surprised I was able to travel to Clear Creek Abbey to make my Final Act of Oblation within the year of being diagnosed and losing my eyesight. Of course, I couldn’t have done it without the selfless and caring help of my Oblate sister, sister Elisabeth, and her family. I will never forget their absolute kindness and true Benedictine spirit for that week while we travel through California, Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, and Oklahoma and back. I am forever grateful to all of them — my sister, her husband, her girls (especially her eldest who would take my hand to make sure I wouldn’t fall down the steps to the house where we stayed at the monastery), her parents, etc — for all their help. That was also my first taste of being independent since the loss of my eyesight.

My mother has been fantastic when it comes to helping me out. In the early days, she was literally my eyes. I couldn’t do half of what I can do now. But, as I started regaining a bit of my eyesight, she wouldn’t let me to do anything. I couldn’t try to learn to do anything for myself or else there would be some disagreements that placed a lot of stress on this little family. My mother has a servant’s heart, always looking for how she can help others, but it wasn’t good for me. I need to learn how to do things for myself because she won’t always be around. My mother had me when she was a bit older and as she gets older and slows down and isn’t able to do things she once did, it’s become even more apparent that I really need to learn to fend for myself. However, it wasn’t until my mother was physically debilitated herself that she finally relented and let me figure out how to do things for myself. And so, the start of the Blind Girl Achievements began. 

When she had her last dose of the shingles vaccine in early-mid February, we were more prepared. We’d learned that she would be completely out for a couple of days so I prepared. I bought a couple of pizzas (because I *still* can’t cook with fire or else I’ll burn myself) to reheat. But, of course, we couldn’t survive on just pizzas. Mom made a couple of things that I could reheat using the microwave but other things I had to learn to do on my own.

My first big test was boiling water for my mom’s coffee for breakfast. I managed to do it in a whistling tea kettle, on the stove, without burning myself! First Achievement unlocked! I poured it into the mug over the sink just in case it spilled and I tried to focus on listening to the water to hear if the kettle wasn’t pouring anything out anymore. I also tried to make sure I didn’t feel the heat from the hot kettle too close to my skin to avoid burning myself. After I poured it into the mug, I placed the mug on a tray and took it to her room without spilling or burning myself! It doesn’t sound like a big deal but when everything looks blurry and you have no depth or accurate spatial perspective, it’s a big accomplishment. 

Later in the day, I hand washed dishes for the first time in almost 3 years. I’m *that* weirdo who loves cleaning and organizing and washing dishes by hand was my favorite “chore” to do before losing my eyesight. I tried to remember my method of washing — which items I washed first — and tried to follow it based on what dishes I could see. I ended up doing a few out of order but that’s okay since I was able to rearrange them on the dish drying rack. Since I’ve always washed dished sans gloves, I knew how to wash them and know when they were all clean. Luckily, all the dishes were ones I used so I didn’t have to worry about other people’s germs. lol. I was able to wash a plate, two aluminum baking trays, two bamboo bowls, a ceramic mug — my favorite to boot!, three plastic measuring cups, I don’t know how many spoons but definitely one fork… and I think that was it for the first round. I later washed more dishes and it became easier as I remembered my old groove.

That day was the first time I was able to feed myself for all three meals. Again, lots of reheating involved but it was a win for me.

A couple of weeks later — during Lent — my mom got very sick again. This time it took us by surprise. I myself was also dealing with a flare-up and was limited to what I could do but God helped me. We had, thankfully, ordered some already prepared and grilled chicken from our local grocery store so I didn’t have to worry about messing with the stove… but I had a little conundrum. The only source of protein I had that day that would fill me up was chicken… and it was on a Friday during Lent. Unfortunately, I seem to require a bit more protein and there’s only so much dairy can do so… I had to heat up the chicken and ask God for forgiveness since it was my only source of protein besides milk. Hopefully, since it was after Vespers on Friday night (I eat dinner late) and I couldn’t make myself some eggs, I was okay. (Side note: still confessed it last time I went to confession.) 

I also peeled carrots — a dietary staple for me — and was able to do it without hurting myself! Yes! It wasn’t easy but I did it!

I’ve done some more things but these were the most important to me because they are necessary survival skills. I know one day I’ll have to do everything for myself. Even if / when I get a roommate (and I’ve already talked about the possibility of becoming roommates with my bestie since we’re both discerning consecrated virginity), I will have to do things for myself… and for others.

I’ll tell y’all something I’ve only told my spiritual director up until this point: I absolutely LOVED helping my mother out, even with my visual impairment. I haven’t had the privilege to help others in so long and it did my heart good to be able to do it. I’ve felt so selfish and somewhat of a burden on others in the last almost 3 years; it felt good to do something for someone else. It’s where my heart is — serving instead of being served. It’s something that was ingrained in me as a child. Again, having a mother with a servant’s heart was probably the reason why I developed this trait. I get utter joy in helping others and, in a beautiful way, reminded me of why I was discerning the vocation I’m discerning.

Being a CV is being at the service of the Church. It’s helping in any way possible through spiritual motherhood. Beyond re-learning survival skills, all these Blind Girl Achievements only reaffirmed my vocation, something that was completely unexpected. What a beautiful gift, especially in the midst of one of the most physically debilitating spells I’ve experience since before my adrenal insufficiency diagnosis and eyesight loss. 

Anyway, that’s it for now. I have a lot more I want to share but I’ll save that for next time.

I hope you all had a fruitful Lenten season and are having a lovely Eastertide. Remember, we celebrate for a few more weeks!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!  😊