How Losing My IG Account Became a Prayer Answered

 I would be lying if I said I didn’t have a mini panic attack when I found out I had lost access to my @lapetitefleurmariale Instagram account two weeks ago.

“Not Instagram, Lord! I don’t want to lose my Instagram account. I don’t care about Twitter or Facebook… but Instagram is *my* place.” Those were the words that came to mind when I first found out. 

Over the next couple of days, I kept sending Instagram “selfie videos” and other proof that it was me; that I was indeed the owner of the account. I kept getting emails from them saying that they couldn’t verify it was me. “That’s my face! Okay, maybe my face is fuller and my skin tone has become a little darker due to the medication and my Addison’s… but I haven’t changed so much that I’m unrecognizable.” Still, no dice. I thought about all I would be losing — three years worth of memories, private conversations, and the building of a community I actually enjoyed interacting with. But what I didn’t think about at the time was how this was actually the answer to several months worth of prayer… just not the way I had wanted or anticipated.

As many of you who have been keeping up with my posts know, I have been trying to figure out how to best balance my social media usage. I have grown so disillusioned with it due to the growing hostility and arguing; with the division and the misinformation. That was what I had written about on my last post. I was so overwhelmed I wanted to cry when I thought about logging in. I wanted to delete all my accounts and not look back. 

I had kept both my Twitter and Facebook accounts due to work; to promote links of things I had written. If it wasn’t for work, I would’ve shut down the accounts a long time ago. As for Instagram, it was where I could better keep track of how friends were doing. And, admittedly, I was addicted to it. Yes, I know how funny that sounds — a visually impaired gal who can’t see well enough to enjoy the reels (my bilateral optic nerve atrophy makes it almost impossible for me to see anything that’s moving) and can’t see all the details of photos having an addiction to Instagram. I could easily manage my dislike of social media if I only had IG but the rest? I wanted them gone because, as I had said in the previous post, I hated the effects they’d had on me.

In the days leading up to the “Great Instagram Loss”, I had begun a conversation with my spiritual director on the topic of social media. During the novena in honor of Our Lady’s birthday, I had asked her to help remove any obstacles that were keeping me from Christ. Social media was an obvious one… and the longer I did the novena, the more I wanted to “blow up” my accounts. Since I haven’t been able to write for EpicPew since January (the last article was posted in February) and I haven’t been able to do any work since then, I didn’t see the point in keeping my accounts any longer. Yes, it was the easiest way to keep in touch with friends but I would’ve preferred to text and do it the “hard” way. I won’t say what exactly was said between my SD and I but it became clear that I needed to pray about my actions before I did anything I could potentially regret in the future. I was speaking from a place of frustration and discomfort. 

“Will deleting my accounts be me throwing away a community God has given me? Will ‘blowing up’ my accounts and starting over be prudent? God has given me a gift for written word and I have been able to use the platforms for good. Not always — I’ve been feisty at times (when provoked) but good has come out of it. Should I maybe modify how I use it instead of deleting it all?” These were the question that kept rolling around my head. 

I had almost decided to delete both Twitter and Facebook — as I was also considering “retiring” from freelance writing — and was awaiting to hear from my SD (whom I’ve been running all big decisions through before I do anything) when I lost the IG account. “Well, that’s the answer then!” I thought to myself.  “I should do the same with the other accounts and start fresh everywhere.” I looked into ways I could ask Instagram to delete the account if I couldn’t gain access to it, so that no one could hack into it (if they already hadn’t) and do something nefarious with it. But… I didn’t want to lose my “community” and access to the accounts that have kept me spiritually nourished during some of the worst spiritual dryness. Again, I was panicking… but that lasted a few minutes.

“Let go. You’re too attached to Instagram. Let go.” These were the words that came to mind during a moment of clarity. I was too attached. It was the obstacle that needed to be removed. I need to let go. Of the addiction. Of the negativity associated with it. Of the large elephant that sat on my chest whenever I logged in. So, I did.

Because there are some really great accounts that truly do help me in my spiritual life (and even in my health recovery), I knew I didn’t want to completely abandon IG. Enter a new account… and a different way of doing things. 

My SD and I had the same thought — that it was God’s way of letting me start over (like I had wanted for the other accounts) and to do things differently; better. Instead of worrying about catering to an audience, this account would be all me. It wouldn’t be for my writing career. I wouldn’t suppress my thoughts and feelings because it didn’t go with was “expected” of me as a “professional” writer or even as a Catholic.  It would be more personal; a space where I could share my mind and heart with friends (and anyone who wanted to follow for whatever reason). I would use my nickname (Emmy) as I don’t feel like myself when someone calls me Melissa (not even family does). Most importantly, the new account would allow me to show myself as I am — as God has made me and how I am away from social media — without worrying about how others reacted. I couldn’t do it with my other account without receiving unkind comments that made me feel defensive and even gloomy. I felt like I couldn’t even share faith related content without offending, upsetting, or angering at least one person. 

The fresh start began with the username (roseatefelicity), which took me to a while to come up with because I wanted something that would reflect the me that few people get to see but who God gets to see. (Side note: I almost named it blooming felicity because I wanted a floral theme and I love the word “felicity” but ended up with “roseate felicity” because of the definitions of roseate). So far, I’ve only posted three things over the last two weeks-ish because I haven’t felt the need to actively share things. I didn’t think it would all be Catholic content — not that there’s anything wrong with it — but so far it’s been that. I think it’s because my faith is the biggest part of my life. But, as I said, this account is going to be all me so there will be non-Catholic related posts as well. 

Where am I on the Twitter and FB fronts? For now, I’m keeping them… though, admittedly, very reluctantly. This will undoubtedly be part of an ongoing conversation I’ll have with my SD. I intend to change how I use them after St. Michael’s Lent is over. I still want to “blow up” both accounts and start over but, for now, I’m going to do simple changes inspired by what I’ve learned about myself, my strengths, and my weaknesses during the last couple of weeks. I might clean up my Twitter account a bit as well so no one be surprised if some things aren’t there anymore. Perhaps one day I will delete the accounts but, for now and until God makes it clear that my professional writing days are over, I’ll stick around in a very limited capacity.

I feel like there’s so much more to unpack but I also know that the fresh start on Instagram and the upcoming changes on all other accounts are the beginning of a change that started during Lent 2021 that has yet to finish. God is slowly chiseling away and making some interior changes that will slowly show externally. 

Am I ready to let that “bubbly, optimistic, enthusiastic, curious” part of myself show once again? I think I am. Our next-door neighbor told my mom that she was surprised to hear me crack up with so much happiness a few days ago; something I’m not really known for by most people as my silly, goofy side only comes out with a very tiny amount of people. The outward happiness (felicity) that is slowly replacing the very somber, stoic facade that set in when my father passed away and my health issues got worse and I’m so very grateful for it. May God continue to bring me out of that darkness that has engulfed me over the last couple of years; that He help keep thawing that cold hardness of heart that has made me unrecognizable to those who’ve known me best and longest. 

Anyway, that’s it for now. Tomorrow marks the 16th anniversary of my reversion but since it’s also the autumnal Ember Friday, there will be no celebrating. I don’t even think I’ll post an anniversary post this year because I’m still trying to figure out how to not burn myself out or trigger a migrain when I write.

I hope you’re all doing well!

As always, thank you for reading and God bless! 😊