My First Anniversary as sr. Marie-Therese Obl.OSB

 

This past Monday I celebrated my first anniversary as a Benedictine oblate. I have been sister Marie-Therese for over a year now. How is that possible?

It was a beautiful day. I got to talk to my Oblate sister, sr. Elisabeth, via video chat for an hour. It was much needed as I always feel myself getting grounded (from always having my heads in the clouds) and at peace when I talk to her. I also got to talk to her two little gals who I haven’t seen since our road trip out to Clear Creek Abbey last year.

After our chat, I had lunch and then an impromptu 3.5 hour (seriously!) FaceTime chat with Edith (whom many of you know as CatholicSeoul on Twitter) that was full of laughter to the point of tears. If/when we become roommates, we’re never going to sleep. Lol.

At the end of the day — and after those two wonderful conversations — I had some time to reflect on my first year as an oblate. In fact, I’m still thinking about it, a couple of days later.

As I told sr. Elisabeth, I feel like I was (and still am) a terrible Oblate. I feel like I failed to live my life as an oblate on several occasions during the year. I was surprised to hear that sr. Elisabeth felt the same way about herself. Maybe this is typical of all new oblates? I felt like my novitiate was so fruitful but I experienced so much dryness during the first year after making my final act of oblation. Granted, I’m also discerning consecrated virginity and was given a tentative green light to move forward a couple of months ago so that could also be contributing to the aridity. 

I feel like I’m still learning. I was a novice for two years but, still, I’m slowly growing in my spiritual life as an Oblate. I still have a lot of things to fully incorporate into my life to the point of it being second nature but this is a lifelong commitment I’ve made so I have time to perfect it. I think perhaps I’m simply impatient that I’m still very much a baby oblate, teetering around as I try to move forward. Thankfully, I have my oblate family and my beloved monks praying for me so I’m not in this by myself. 

I can now see why my spiritual director told me to make my final act of oblation before moving forward with my vocation discernment. When I became serious about becoming an oblate, the CV vocation wasn’t even on my radar yet it’s set the foundation I need for my vocation. The emphasis on obedience, on praying the Divine Office… all of these things (and more) prepared me for a life as a CV. Even if I don’t ultimately get publicly consecrated and end up making private vows, my life as a Benedictine oblate has prepared me for my vocation. I think it would’ve prepared me for a life as a wife and mother as well but it wasn’t what God had in store for me.

What am I expecting my second year as an Oblate to look like? Honestly? I don’t have any plans for it. I’m going to keep trying to perfect the habits I already have and then try to add the things I’m still missing, like practice with hospitality. That one will be more difficult due to my health situation and the restrictions when it comes to visitors but I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. At the moment, embracing silence — which I’ve been trying to do more of… and have been failing at — is still my top priority. I have my good days and then my days when I fail because I feel physically miserable and the noise from texts and audiobooks bring me comfort. That is something I’m still weaning myself off from and it’s something I’ll continue working on.

I think that’s the beauty of being an oblate — I don’t feel the pressure to be perfect at all costs. I always had that pressure growing up; to be the perfect *insert role I had to fulfill*. Becoming an oblate, I’ve learned to let those perfectionist tendencies go. As our holy father St. Benedict reminds me in his Holy Rule, we should do what we can to the best of our abilities and have that be enough. We’re not here to impress anyone. I’m here to serve God in whatever ways I can as best as I can. Even resting and simply resigning myself to it when I cannot do more can become a form of prayer and an offering to God. I sometimes slip back into that mentality but it’s becoming easier for me to turn my mind and heart back to God. 

One more thing… I’ve come to accept that God may be calling me to stay in Los Angeles and/or the West Coast. This is where I’m going to bring my life as a Benedictine Oblate and my vocation as a potential CV together. In obedience to God’s will, I recognize that He may be calling me to be a sort of missionary in this city; to be away from my spiritual family. As much as I would love to pack up and move to Oklahoma (and I have looked into apartments in Tulsa as I would need to live in/near a city due to my health conditions), I recognize that my heart may always be across the country. As of now, it looks like He wants me to be here for the foreseeable future. Whether I will stay and be consecrated here or if I’ll be uprooted and planted to a different diocese, I don’t know. But I will do whatever He wills… and my lifestyle as an oblate will both prepare me for it and also provide that stability. No matter what my vocation will ultimately be, no matter where I will ultimately settle — I will always have my spiritual home of Clear Creek Abbey where I will be able to retreat to. I will always have a family that will pray for me, something so important if I do become a CV and will not have a family of my own. 

Anyway, just a few thoughts about that. I haven’t felt well most of this week so I’ve been resting and trying to take it easy. That’s partially why I didn’t post this sooner. I had so much going on all the while I was feeling crummy. I even had to reschedule my excision this past Thursday to this upcoming Thursday, i was feeling that unwell. I’m still in bed today but that’s okay. This is where God wants me right now so it’s where I will be. Now, if my mind will just cooperate with me so I can focus on the Mass readings, I’d appreciate it. Lol.

I’m going to go finish listening to Laufey’s debut album and then try to take a nap. I’ve yet to find earplugs to tune out the noisy neighbors so my noise-cancelling headphones will have to do for now.

I hope you’re all having a lovely weekend (and a happy feast of St. Monica).

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! 😊

Being Diagnosed with Addison’s Disease

 

I had every intention of writing this post last week but I received an important phone call literally minutes after I published the last post.

It was a follow-up phone call from my endocrinologist. Since she had gone on vacation when I had gotten my latest round of bloodwork done, I had to wait until she returned to get my results. They were good. My pituitary gland is working well. My hypothyroidism is under control with my current medication dose. 

“Your cortisol levels are… okay…” she said before I asked the question I’ve been wondering.

“So, is my condition secondary adrenal insufficiency or…?”

The whole point of this round of bloodwork was to determine that very question. She is my new endo and she didn’t have enough information about my condition. Apparently, my former endo had left some gaps so she wanted to cover it all… including whether my condition was indeed secondary adrenal insufficiency as was diagnosed or if it was a misdiagnosis. 

“It looks like it’s primary…” she said, before explaining why. 

My stomach sank. It was what I was dreading. My former endo had given me so much hope of a full recovery one day. If it was secondary, there was a chance — no matter how slim — that it wasn’t permanent. A diagnosis of primary meant one thing: a permanent condition of a rare disease that would keep my immune system in a compromised state for the rest of my life. 

I have Addison’s disease, that’s what primary adrenal insufficiency is called. That means that my adrenal glands don’t produce enough cortisol or hormones to keep my body functioning properly. It affects everything from blood pressure to minerals (especially potassium and sodium). If not careful, I can have an adrenal crisis, which can be fatal. It nearly was two summers ago, before my diagnoses. I have to take extra doses of hydrocortisone when I have surgeries, wound care (which I found out too late), and other stressors. If I have the flu, a cold, food poisoning, or a fever, I have to double up on my doses to help prevent a crisis. I’m at a higher risk for infections and other things, so I have to be very careful around others. It’s going to mean a lot of other changes as well… which I will get to in a minute.

I’m so grateful to my oblate sister (sr. Elisabeth) for introducing me to St. Elisabeth of the Trinity. Before we became oblates, she had mentioned this lovely Carmelite saint but I wasn’t sure why she had said I reminded her of St. Elisabeth. I had gotten comparisons to St. Therese because the sufferings she went through but I didn’t know anything about St. Elisabeth. That’s when I did my research and found out she had Addison’s disease as well. The only difference is that I’m blessed to live at a time when modern medicine can help me while St. Elisabeth didn’t. In fact, I think she died from this disease and had apparently multiple adrenal crises. So, I have a new friend in Heaven who knows what it is to have this condition.

The diagnoses couldn’t have come at a better time. Even before the call, I was already planning on doing St. Michael’s Lent (from the solemnity of the Assumption to the feast of St. Michael Archangel). I had planned on cutting out Twitter (which was the biggest source of my stress) and greatly limit both Instagram, other social media platform, and noise in general. I was going to go forward with my plans to purge all entertainment (novels, movies, shows, etc) that was bringing unrest into my heart; things that took over my thoughts while I was trying to concentrate on hearing His voice in prayer. Because my body doesn’t respond well to stress (since it doesn’t produce cortisol), this seemed like a confirmation to what I’ve been feeling called to do — eliminate all that causes stress.

Now, it’s impossible to eliminate all stress. Even hermits deal with it (or so I’m assuming). But I *can* eliminate stress that I voluntarily subject myself to. Getting on social media isn’t mandatory or necessary for my survival. Literature and other forms of entertainment that disturb my peace aren’t crucial for my wellbeing. On the contrary, they cause more harm than good, especially to my soul if the material is especially problematic. I have a chance to limit that outside noise. And that’s what I had planned for St. Michael’s Lent. I also have other things I’m giving up — comfort things — but those are more of a voluntary form of penance.

So, that’s how I’ve started St. Michael’s lent. That and some unkind words that I’m going to leave at the foot of the Cross and not dwell on because it’s not worth it.

And that’s what I’m going to try to remember to do — leave everything that threatens my inner peace at the foot of the Cross.

Fear of common illnesses that become a lot more high risk for me? Leaving it at the foot of the Cross.

Fear of how people will react to these and other changes I feel called to do? Foot of the Cross.

All my worries, anxieties, disappointments, etc? Foot of the Cross.

This diagnosis is also a beautiful reminder of how God is in charge and how I simply have to trust in HIm. My endo was surprised that my body did as well as I did after a full month of (every other day) wound care. I was supposed to double up on doses every time I went but I didn’t know. I also had my labs done the day after the most excruciating wound care apps ointment and was still in pain and yet my labs were the best (though still low normal) they’ve been since my initial diagnosis in October 2020. I credit that to the prayers of all — the saints and everyone who has prayed for me — and God’s mercy. He made sure I was able to endure all of that stress and not have an adrenal crisis. God is good!

What do things look like from now on? I can’t have visitors unless we all head outside and maintain distance. I have to wear a mask when I go out, even if I’m outside. If I’m somewhere with large crowds, I need to get as much distance as I can from them… which means I’ll have to always be with someone who will be able to let me know since I won’t be able to see. I need to prioritize rest and healthier eating as I’ve fallen off the wagon with the latter (goodbye, delicious Lorna Doone cookies…). I will need to increase my sodium intake, a tip I learned from a follower on Twitter who also has Addison’s. I suffer from low blood pressure and now I know why. Also, I now understand why I’m so tired all the time and why my endo has stressed the importance of sleep since I met her.

And, most importantly, a greater reliance on God. Instead of getting anxious and wanting to control everything as a result of that anxiety, I’m going to keep resigning myself to God’s will. If something difficult and unpleasant happens, I’m going to take it as a lesson that I need to learn. I’m very much “big feelings that run deep” (I am a melancholic-phlegmatic after all) so it’ll mean surrendering my natural reactions and thank God for them all — good and bad — while learning to offer it all up as well as I can. It’s not going to be easy but we weren’t placed on this earth for an easy life.

I’ve always said that I’ve felt closed to God while suffering from physical maladies so I guess that, in a way, my prayers of breaking down whatever was keeping me from Him have been answered.

I’m not afraid of the diagnosis. Disappointed, yes. I had plans… but His plans are greater than mine and I know He will bring so much good and beauty from this diagnosis.

Lord, I place myself entirely into Your hands (again). Your will, not mine.

Anyway, that’s it for now. I want to turn off WiFi and screens to rest my eyes. Ever since I took the last round of antibiotics (which I had to stop after two days), I’ve had some unusual eyesight issues (yes, on top of the bilateral optic nerve atrophy) that I haven’t recovered from and I need to close my eyes more than usual.

I hope you’re all having a lovely week thus far.

I hope to blog again soon but I’m scheduled for a surgical procedure tomorrow so I don’t know when I’ll be able to write again as it’ll be near my rib cage and I’m sure I’ll have to have limited movement on my right side for at least a couple of days. Until then, I’ll keep praying for everyone who has asked for them.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! 😊

Reluctant Obedience, Detachment, & a Return to the Old

 

Ever feel like the Holy Spirit bombards you with so many confirmations on what you need to do that you can no longer deny it nor have an excuse not to do it? There’s where I am right now.

As with everything else I’ve been experiencing in recent weeks, it feels like it’s something that should’ve happened already but was delayed for whatever reason. Maybe I needed to mature or maybe I needed to experience what I have to do a better job at what is being asked of me. I don’t know. Whatever the reason, I know couldn’t have done a better job at doing it where I was before. 

In all honesty, I don’t know if I’d do a good job at it now — I don’t feel prepared for it — but I try to remember what my spiritual director told me a couple of months ago; about how we sometimes don’t feel ready to do what God is asking of us but all we have to do is trust in Him. So, that’s what I’m going to do: take everything to prayer, trust Him, and jump in with childlike trust and confidence.

“Okay, but you haven’t told us what all those things are. We don’t know  what you’re talking about.”

Some of it, you do (if you’ve been reading my latest posts). God is asking me to detach myself from things that are holding me back; things that I should’ve let go of a long time ago. It’s letting go of things that bring me comfort and keep me in that state of comfort, which I have grown too used to. As I wrote in previous posts, the things aren’t necessarily bad — some are even good — but I rely on them too much and not enough on God. I need to flip that and rely solely on God and not so much on earthly things that will only temporarily bring relief and fleeting joy. 

In today’s reading of the Holy Rule of St. Benedict, I was reminded that when I became a Benedictine oblate novice (and then made my final promises), I knew that this way of life was going to ask me to emulate my spiritual family; to embrace hard work and the discomfort that that may bring. The part in the Commentary for Benedictine Oblates on the Holy Rule of St. Benedict by G.A. Simon that most stuck out to me was, “We shall have to renounce, therefore, certain habits, certain satisfactions, certain pleasures even though they’re legitimate. We shall have to lead a more retired life. We shall have to accept on the part of those who do not understand us accusations, mockeries, perhaps even persecutions…. We shall have to have to subject ourselves to an austere Rule, according to our circumstances, faithfully, in a spirit of obedience, not only for a year or two…. But always; not only in the joy and the transport of the soul, but in its dryness and fatigue.” (pg 410)

That felt like the final ear pull (in the best way!) from the Holy Spirit to quit dawdling. And what is funny about all of this? A majority of what I have to change — what is being asked of me — is what I have asked God for for years… and now I’m having a hard time actually doing it.

I’m like that kid at Christmas who gets what they really wanted but then loses interest in it immediately. It sounds terrible but that’s the reality. And I’m not talking about losing interest in being an Oblate or anything like that. 

How long have I been saying that I desire to be detached from things like social media, from certain forms of entertainment? How many times have I said that I want to be more hidden? Now that it seems like the time has come to actually do it… “God, are you sure? Like now?” 

I’m not disappearing from the internet entirely. I feel like God is asking me to continue writing; to keep this blog and return to freelance writing (which I’ve had to take a break from due to health reasons). The freelance work will have to be slowed into but blogging? I can do more of that. And I want to. 

But social media? I can see where I have to change some of my habits and ways. I’ve tried in very half-hearted attempts but now? Time to actually do it and not just say that I want to do it. Time to disconnect more often; to invest more in my offline relationships even though I’m basically homebound and visitors have been discouraged by one of my (former) doctors due to my fragile immune system. Thanks, oral hydrocortisone, for literally keeping me alive but also limiting my social interactions. 

I don’t know where my vocation discernment will go in a couple of months but this all feels like groundwork for that. Whatever happens with that — whether Archbishop Gomez thinks God is absolutely calling me to consecrated virginity or to make simple private vows (as I have discerned that neither religious life nor married life are for me) — I know that everything I’m going to do now is going to prepare me for the rest of my life.

I hope that detaching from earthly things will keep my mind more focused on Heaven,

I hope that by hearing less outside chatter — and potentially getting influenced by others — I will hear His voice more clearly and be more attuned to what He asks of me without worrying about what others may do or say.

I hope I can actually do a half-way decent job of what I feel like God is asking of me; that I have the courage, strength (physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual), and perseverance to do it all. And, if I don’t, I will simply have to trust that God will give me the graces necessary to do it as well as He wants me to do it.

I will be updating this blog as I used to during its inception — as a diary of sorts. For quite some time now, I’ve been trying to write as someone who is “professional” and tries to stay detached and be very careful about what is shared. While I’ve never been a complete open book, I have censored myself a lot, partially out of fear of ridicule and partially due to self-consciousness after comments received. Well, not anymore. I’m reverting back to my old style. I’m pretty sure only friends read my scribblings these days anyway so that takes a lot of pressure off. Doing this — going back to writing as i used to — is only the first step in the changes. 

Again, I hope to be able to share this journey with y’all as I do feel like this is both necessary and overdue… and something I need to be open about. I don’t know why but that’s what I feel. I’ll keep taking everything to prayer to make sure I keep doing what God is asking of me. 

And with that, I’m going to give my eyes a little break. I’m still trying to figure out how much light I can tolerate before a migraine gets triggered and with the bright sun these days, headaches get triggered more easily. This is a time when I can offer up my desire to do more and simply rest and not feel bad about resting, 

Did y’all know that you can still get photophobia even if you’re either completely blind or just legally blind? Yep. An hour of out in the sun without sunglasses triggered a debilitating 72-hour migraine for me a few months ago. Couple that with my visual impairment, which already entails a lot of squinting and other headache-inducing eye straining throughout the day, and, well, you can guess why I need to close my eyes for extended periods of times. Totally appropriate that I mention this today as it’s the feast of St. Clare of Assisi, one of the patronesses of eye problems.

Anyway, that’s enough babbling from me.

I hope y’all have had and continue to have a lovely week.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! 😊

My Life in Perpetual “Delayed” Mode

 I feel like I live my life on perpetual delay.

I graduated from college years later than anticipated because I had to put my education on holy when I was sick (what led to my reversion) and then when my father had terminal cancer and I helped him.

I started discerning consecrated virginity months after the very clear “let him court you” moment (https://catholicnerdwriter.blogspot.com/2019/01/im-letting-him-court-me-where-i-am-in.html?m=0 ) in January 2019 (I officially started discerning a couple of months later, in November). That was temporarily derailed by a brief discernment of marriage with someone but it got back on track before the year ended.

After started my discernment, it took me a couple of months to find a spiritual director… and I only met up with him twice before COVID hit and halted everything. We kept “meeting up” over FaceTime until all that went down in the summer 2020 with the adrenal crises and losing my eyesight. I had to put my discernment on hold for a couple of months while I focused on my health.

Even becoming a Benedictine Oblate was delayed a bit over a year because of COVID and my health. I was supposed to make my final promises in June 2020.

There are a number of other examples but you get the gist. I seem to live my life in delay; everything happening much later than it’s “supposed” to.

 I will never forget my former spiritual director (the one who introduced the Benedictine order to me) telling me that something was supposed to happen when I was 18 years old and it never did, thus delaying everything. I hadn’t thought about — about Fr. B’s words — until the last couple of when (as I had mentioned in the last post) it became abundantly clear to me that God is asking me to shed the last bits of things that are keeping me from moving forward. 

I feel like I’ve been stuck in adolescence for far longer than I should have. I have a few theories to this. 

It could be because I didn’t have much of a childhood and adolescence, taking care of my parents when they got sick. I can still remember me at age 7-8, washing dishes by hand for the first time because my mom was so sick she couldn’t do anything. My father was away at the time so I took on the household responsibilities as well as I could at that age. 

It could be because of the changes I went through in high school — developing crippling social anxiety at 15 that led to me being pulled out of regular public high school and doing a homeschool/independent study hybrid program through the end of high school. 

It could be the first time I was “beat up” (really, just my back was a little bruised and scratched up) by a girl at my school — something she did after I spoke up against a friend of hers who was bullying someone else. I was 14 at the time.

It could be the bullying from a former classmate (and former friend) who anonymously emailed me threatening and harassing messages, including a couple that told me to kill myself because I was worthless and no one wanted me around. I later found out who it was and I pray for him even now.

It could be that my father — the pillar of the family and the parent I was always closest to — was first diagnosed with colon cancer when I was in high school. 

Whatever it was — I feel like I was stuck in my teens for years and I’m just now “growing up.”

That’s not to say that I’ve had Peter Pan Syndrome all these years. I feel like I grew up very fast in many ways, especially when it came to the amount of responsibility I took, but I stayed very young in many ways.

All my comfort novels are YA (think the “Love &…” series by Jenna Evans Welch). Same with my guilty pleasure shows (like “Club 57” for those who are outside the U.S. and have seen it). I go back to entertainment I loved young or that is aimed at a younger demographic. At first I thought it was because a child at heart (and I definitely feel very childlike in many ways). Then I thought it was because there were less chances of seeing or hearing things I’ve never been comfortable watching, such as scenes of the marital act either inside or outside of marriage. I have a very vivid imagination and things linger for a long time; I don’t need that stuff in my head for purity and modesty’s sake.

I could’ve stayed quiet about this because it’s so embarrassing to admit but I feel like I need to be open about it so I can move forward from it.

In recent weeks, I feel like God has shown me all of these things and has said (in a very gentle but Fatherly manner), “There’s nothing wrong with these things but they’re holding you back. You’re *age redacted*. It’s great that you have held onto your childlike qualities, but you need to let go of the things that will not allow you to grow in all areas of your life. You can’t move forward in your vocation discernment or spiritual life if you revert to things that keep you in your comfort bubble. You can’t grow emotionally if you run back to these books and shows when things get ‘too hard.’ You rely too much on comfort and things that remind you of easier times to cope with difficult things. Again, they’re not bad, but they’re not good for you. It’s time to let go and move forward. It’s time.”

I’m not saying that this is exactly what God is saying but this is what I feel like He is making clear to me. 

If you’re following me on Goodreads (https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/1897391-melissa) you might’ve recently noticed that I’ve hit the YA novels lately. That’s partially because I’m trying to figure out which books I’m getting rid of and which I’ll keep. I’ll be doing this with all my books, not just YA, but I’m starting with them because I feel like I need to focus on these first. The more I read them, the more I cringe and feel myself completely detaching from them. It’s exactly what I need. I know I won’t chuck all the YA books as some are actually pretty good for the genre and are good stories but the majority are either being removed from my library (digital) or will get good homes with friends with kids or the library. 

Letting go of the shows is easier as a majority of them are either hard to access because they’re not available in the U.S. (Latin American shows are my guilty pleasure) or I simply don’t renew my subscription to the streaming sites (Disney+ anyone?). 

Many months ago, I said that I felt like God gave me one final “resting” period; when I would be allowed to be somewhat selfish and do things for myself for the first time in my adult life. This was a time of recovery from health issues (when I was newly diagnosed with both bilateral optic nerve atrophy and adrenal insufficiency). This was a time of growth in many ways. Now I feel like God is asking me to pick things up from where I left them off; from where they were right before COVID and before my health tanked. 

I hope all of this means God is preparing my heart and mind for the next phase in my vocation discernment… whatever that may be. If not, I know God will bring good fruits of this time of growth. It definitely feels like the beginning of something I’ve never experienced for and I’m very excited to see what He has in store for me. No more delays… no more feeling stagnant.

Anyway, that’s enough soul baring for now. There’s a St. Therese program on EWTN about to start that I want to watch so… I’m going to go listen to that.

I hope y’all are doing well and that you’re having a lovely week thus far. Please keep me in your prayers as I prepare for my next schedule surgical procedure on Friday.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! 😊