“Your case is 1 in a million. It’s so rare these days…”
Those were the words my neuro-ophthalmologist said to me after getting the diagnosis I had been both dreading and ready for: permanent damage and permanent disability.
There is no hope for recovery and complete healing of my optic nerve atrophy. I will never be able to drive my car again (which I will have to sell). I’ll never go back to a “normal” life again.
That’s not to say it’s all bad news. There has been a lot of improvement with my eyes. All the physical structures healed as much as they could. The dryness of my eyes is gone for the first time in years. The whiteness on my eyes and nerves from the severe vitamin A deficiency are gone. The swelling of my optic nerves is gone.
But the atrophy is there. The damage has been done. The swelling went on for so long that the damage is irreversible.
I’m 1 in a million. A rare case in our modern times. Yeah, okay, but I was hoping to be insignificant and hidden, Lord. But I can’t always get what I want so… a rare case I shall be.
How many of you would be surprised to hear (read) me say that I’m actually happy I got this diagnosis? No, I’m not happy that I’ll be permanently disabled. I’m not happy that I’ll never be able to see as I used to. No, I’m not happy about the big changes I’ll be forced to make in such short time and with limited (and basically no additional) resources. But there’s so many reasons why I’m incredibly grateful for this diagnosis.
The first thing I thought was, “Thank You, God, for the permanence of this condition because it’ll keep me close to You.” Having this means I will be able to offer something up on a daily basis, multiple times a day. If all I can do for the Church is offer up all the hardships and little inconveniences I’ll endure for the rest of my life with this condition, I’m grateful for it.
This is going to help humble me. I hope it breaks my stubborn pride; my stubborn independence. I haven’t had the luxury of doing everything for myself in over a year but now I know this will be my new normal. I will have to rely on the generosity of others and get over myself to ask for help when I need it. One of the hardest things for me to do is ask for help because I was raised to never rely on anyone but myself. I can’t do that anymore.
I don’t know why but I feel like this is exactly what I need to root out all the vices I struggle with. I also feel like this is going to help thaw that hardened heart of stone I have. Like I said, as odd as it sounds, I’m so grateful for this condition and now the official diagnosis.
Does this mean I’ll stop asking Bl. Carlo for his intercession? Nope! We’re going to keep praying. Now that it’s an official diagnosis and I’m medically disabled as it’s considered a permanent and lifelong condition, the restoration of my eyesight would be considered s full-fledged miracle. If it’s God’s Will, my eyesight will get restored through Bl. Carlo’s intercession, either hopefully helping his canonization cause or being another miracle attributed to his intercession. If there’s one thing St. Therese has taught me lately it’s to have the “audacity” to be bold enough to hope and pray for that miracle.
If it’s God’s will that I stay visually impaired for life, I’m going to make the most of it. I’ve already looked into what changes I’ll need to make now that we have an official diagnosis. I’ll need a white walking cane (which my insurance refuses to cover) when I go out on my own. I’ll need a couple of things to make it possible for me to feed myself safely (read: to not burn or cut myself) when my mom is too sick to help me. Lots of little things I’ll need to acquire to make life a little easier but I’ll do that slowly as I have the means to do it.
I already have a pretty good system when it comes to writing so I’ll just need another thing to make things easier but that’ll l happen when it happens.
A neighbor is interested in my car and we already talked about that last night; he’s going to take care of what needs to be taken care of for a smooth transfer of ownership. He’s helped us with car issues in the past so it seems fitting that he’ll end up with it.
Everything else will get figured out as I need to.
I don’t know how this will change things on a spiritual level. I’m guessing it’ll be good. Getting rid of my car will mean one less material possession and also a lot of practice with patience as I will now rely solely on the Paratransit system that is notoriously late and takes so long to get from point A to point B. As I mentioned, having to rely on others will help me with my pride. And, as I’ve written over the years, I’ve always felt closer to Christ when suffering physical ailments so this can only help strengthen my relationship with him.
How will this affect my vocation discernment? I don’t know. I won’t be able to work to be financially independent. I’ll be able to do freelance writing but that won’t earn me enough to live off of. I’ve already been warned that the SSA (Social Security Administration) will most likely deny me disability aid more than once when I apply because they’re just difficult like that. One of the big requirements to be a CV is to show that I won’t be a financial burden to the archdiocese so we’ll see how that goes. This sounds like a good additional intention for the 54-day Rosary novena; that if it’s God’s Will that i become a consecrated virgin, that I will get some sort of financial aid to fulfill that requirement. If not… well… I can’t imagine getting married (or any guy wanting to carry this heavy cross with me) so… it’ll be interesting to see where this goes. I trust God and I know He’ll clear the way for whatever path He has in store for me.
Anyway, I’m sure I’ll have more to write as this all sinks in. For now I’m full of gratitude and even a little bit of joy. I know, I know… I’m weird. lol.
Anyway, I feel completely depleted (I’ve been feeling a little off and haven’t slept well in several days) so I think I’ll keep listening to Andy Serkis narrating The Fellowship of the Ring while I give myself a little break from everything.
Please don’t feel bad or sorry for me. I certainly don’t feel bad about this situation whatsoever. I blame St. Therese and the Divine Love renewal I’m almost done with. lol. I see what you did there, Holy Spirit. lol.
I hope you have all been well lately. :)
As always, thanks for reading and God bless! ❤️
3 comments:
Everyone is called to allow God to use them to accomplish His will in the world. Those of us who are disabled are truly blessed. Each time we reach out to someone with a request for help, we extend to them an opportunity from God to acquire grace through their charity to us. Congratulations and thank you for your willingness to be a blessing to them through charity and example.
That’s such a beautiful way of looking at it. Thank you for sharing it! And God bless you, too!
This post almost made me have tears at the end - you're such an inspiration to me in my own spiritual journey, to encourage me to offer up my own sufferings too for the good of others and the glory of God. Thank you for that important reminder. I support you 100% and will keep praying that God continues to guide you in your CV discernment and to help you adapt to the changes in your life.
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