Monday, September 10, 2012

When God Provides, He Provides; Anxiety Be Gone

Lack of updates have been due to illness. Meh. Summer is the worst season for me and illnesses. I think that's why I hate the season. But, before I get completely off track, I want to say that one good thing has come out of the summer has been learning to let go of stress and anxiety and placing everything in God's hands when you're at your lowest.

If you have anxiety -- and particularly the kind that I have -- then you know that it's really hard to do this. To not have secure or control over something can trigger the anxiety. Let me explain it this way: lately, the lack of a job, the dwindling savings, and the unpredictable nature of my anxiety has prevented me from applying for jobs far from home. That's what I'm attributing as the cause for my anxiety lately.

Sometimes I will do things to try to get myself to let go of a certain fear. When I was 17-18 years old, I developed social anxiety and intense agoraphobia. This was caused by my freshman/sophomore year History teacher embarrassing me in front of my classmates and my classmates being allowed to go along with it. For a long time, I couldn't leave the house. I would break out in a sweat at the thought of it. When I was 18-19 (after I got over some of my fear by taking a retail job), I started going to concerts. I would make myself stand in front of the stage, in the middle, with no way of getting out. If the anxiety went crazy, oh well. I would not leave. Oh, and I would go to these concerts by myself. That's how I got over my social anxiety. Nowadays, I can go to Disneyland or the Hollywood Bowl (read: crowded, with hundreds and thousands of people) and enjoy myself without the fear.

I can't really do anything to get myself over the stress and anxiety of not having an income... except letting it (the anxiety) go completely. I've tried to let go of things I can't control, but I don't always succeed. Like I said, not easy for me to do this because of anxiety and past experiences. I've succeeded with some things but with other things I still need to keep working on. Baby steps.

Ever since dad passed away, mom and I have been just barely scraping by. While I was in school, I had some funds coming in that helped us out. Now that I've graduated, and have to start paying back my loan in two months, it's different... and it's anxiety inducing. After I pinpointed this as the biggest stress lately, I prayed that God would help me let go of that anxiety.

I've always said (and have known) that God will provide when someone is in need. I've seen it happen multiple times. This is me not saying that I didn't trust God to provide because I did (and I still do), but I couldn't let go of the anxiety. It's a hard place to be. I knew God would send me what I needed (i.e. a job) when I needed it. I trust that He will keep me on the path He wants me to take. When the right time comes, I know God will put the right man in my life (and this is the last thing on my mind at the moment.)  It wasn't until the last two weeks that I really just let the anxiety of not being able to find a job (and knowing how insanely bad the job market is for my graduating class) go and trying to be as stress-free over it as possible.

I prayed once to Our Lady of Divine Providence (it was supposed to be a novena but I never finished it) and it seems that that was all it took. In the past week I've been blessed with some freelance writing opportunities. I am not expecting big pay (in fact, I know I will have to write a lot of mundane articles at first) but it's better than nothing. I'm not stressing over the pay or anything like that. In fact, when I found out I would have the chance to start writing this week, I felt such an overwhelming sense of peace. I personally felt like God was saying "this is what I want you to do, even if it's temporary. You like to write? Here you go, kiddo." To be quite honest, I cried out of sheer excitement and joy. I thanked God (and Our Lady of Divine Providence) for answering my prayers.

I'm sharing this because I know many of us (from my generation especially) are in the same boat. The economic instability is really affecting us. For some it's hard to trust God. For others it's not hard to trust God but there's still that little bit of anxiety that is still felt because of the situation. I found myself in the latter category. Love Him, trust Him, but the situation sucks while you're living it. I think that this is natural (for us to feel a little stressed when we're in these types of situations) but we need to remind ourselves that we are never alone. I cannot stress this enough: God WILL provide. I don't know what your need is but He will find a way to make sure that you have what you need when you most need it. It may not be what you want but it will be what you need. (quick side note: needs and wants are completely different. Remember the saying, "Beggars can't be choosers.")

Anyway, I just wanted to share this with y'all. Never give up on God because, as you can see, He never gives up on you. :)

I actually have some more writing to do so I should go do that. :)

I hope y'all had a great weekend and have a fantastic week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

1 comment:

Lianna said...

My situation is very much the same...Looking for a job, being very anxious about $. It' so hard. So glad God gave you a little something for now. Thanks for the words of encouragement!