Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Memorare: When Life Doesn't Make Sense

"Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary..."

I have no idea how I managed to survive the weirdest 24 hours (from the 19th through the 20th) of my life while on a roller coaster of emotions. A professor accused me of willful, deliberate plagiarism on an annotated bibliography and was quite rude about it (he has since apologized for his words; it was all one big, ugly misunderstanding). I studied my brains out (figuratively, of course) over the course of days for an exam that I was certain I would pass with flying colors... only to find out that the professor (same one who accused me of plagiarism) gave me a 72%. I have no way of figuring out why (he closes off his exams) so I'm stuck. But, it's all okay. I'll figure things out.

"... that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thine intercession was left unaided..."

I got rid of my old desk (which I'd had for 20+ years). It was the same desk on which my first PC sat. The same desk on which many tears fell during my teen years due to bullying. It's where I sat when I got those emails from a former classmate telling me to kill myself; telling me I was worthless. It's where I started this blog... where the first draft of my first novel was written... It was where I sat when I did my research when I first reverted back to the Faith. Most importantly, it was the desk that I assembled with my father when I was a child... and that I disassembled (by myself) as an adult. In a weird way, it felt as if I was letting go of the past and all that held me back; that it was the final sentence written on that chapter of my life. I feel as if our Heavenly Mother has been (and will continue to be) by my side as I prepare for the new chapter.

"... Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my mother..."

My godson, Neil, was born. Alli (his mama) is a rock star. However, I worried about the labor as it took quite a long time. I slept with the phone next to me... took it everywhere I went (and I'm so not a phone person)... and checked in with Dustin (the dada, lol) throughout the day. I sent the Memorare prayer to Dustin during the labor so that he and Alli could pray it together while we all waited for little Neil to be born. It's the least I could do (besides pray) from across the country.

"... to thee do I come, before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful..."

I realized something (okay, a couple of things) that I didn't like about myself and some things I do. I get discouraged easily... but only briefly before I find a positive spin that motivates me. I worry... but I've been learning to trust God more so the worry hasn't lasted very long recently. The negatives are bad habits I picked up (from observation) as a child but that I've been working on breaking as an adult (I'm getting there!)

"... O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions but in thy mercy hear and answer me..."

At the end of the 24 hours (and I have omitted some more personal things), I'm surprised that I survived without a panic attack or more tears being shed. Besides the Memorare prayer, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13) kept running through my mind. Even though I was bombarded with obstacles, none of it seemed important in the "my life is over" sense. If I don't pass my courses with my, ahem, lovely professor, fine. I'll retake them. If I have to stick around for an extra semester, I'll do it... though I'm really hoping I can pull off at least B-'s in my courses this semester. If my grades stink too much for grad school (for this particular subject), I'll stay at the SLPA level. That was my initial goal anyway; work as an SLPA for a while and then go for my Theology MA. I'll be able to do exactly what I want to do (help carry out the treatment plans for the children with speech disorder) with the SLPA license.

I don't know what my future holds... but I'm okay with that. I don't think I'd want to know anyway. Though life (read: school.. and some other things) is difficult at the moment, I wouldn't trade it for an uncomplicated one. God is preparing me for whatever He has in store for me so I have to tough it out for a while. I believe these trials are there for a reason I do not know or understand but I trust Him completely. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me..." It was one heck of a 24 hour period but I'll be okay. I know that God and Mama Mary have my back and that's more than enough for me.


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