Feeling Like an Unloved Burden

I’ve had a couple of days to digest the diagnosis and either I’ve yet to hit a denial and depression stage or God has given me the graces to fully accept it, be completely at peace with it, and even feel joyful. I’m choosing to believe it’s the latter. 

I think a big part of this is because God never fails to speak to me through music or literature. This time it’s been through literature in the form of two books, The Commentary for Benedictine Oblates: On the Rule of St. Benedict by G.A. Simon and The Mirror of True Womanhood by Rev. Bernard O’Reilly. Being recently confined to staying in bed as much as possible (nothing worrisome; just a little relapse that will pass), I’ve had to let go and undo a lot of the negative thoughts that once consumed me when I felt like a burden due to my health and (now) physical limitations. 

As a good spiritual father would, St. Benedict spelled it out for me clearly thanks to his Holy Rule. As a Benedictine oblate, it is recommended that we read a little bit of the Holy Rule every day. Thanks to the lovely gift of the Commentary from my oblate sister (Sister Elisabeth), I can dive deeper into it. A couple of days ago, the Rule talked about how to treat those who are ill or unable to do things someone with their full health can do. This part really stuck out to me:

“If the brethren ought to see Christ in the person of His suffering member, the sick one on his part ought to recognize what he is for the others. He ought to ‘consider that it is for the honor of God’ that he is being served. He should lean on this Christ who lives and suffers in him, unite himself to Him and sanctify his sufferings through Him.”

Did I just tear up again, reading it? Yes, I did. I have always felt like a troublesome burden when I’ve been too sick to do anything. And that got multiplied when I lost my eyesight. This was a learned thought. I had people in my life who’ve made me feel like I truly was an unwanted inconvenience when they had to help me when I wasn’t feeling well. My poor friends tried to knock those silly thoughts out of my mind for years but they were so deeply imbedded in my mind and heart that it has taken me this long to finally begin to (slowly) root them out.

I have never thought about it the way it was presented in the Commentary; to think of my need as an opportunity to let others serve Christ. That is, in no way, to say that I am Christ or any other nonsense like that. As the comment stated, I have to think of it as a charitable act in allowing others to help me in order to serve Christ; to do for his little ones what he himself would (and did) do. In turn, I have to humble myself by asking for that help and accepting it as graciously as I can despite the decades of a reinforced message of being a burden to others in my time of need. 

That brings me to the aptly named Mirror of True Womanhood. The book was so beautiful. I read the original (not the one that was cut down by about 100 pages) and there was one story that really touched my heart, especially since it was a true story. 

Priests in Canada helped take care of and find homes for poor Irish immigrant children who were orphaned on the voyage to Canada. The Canadian (Catholic) faithful welcomed these children with open arms, taking as many as they could despite their own hardships. One particular woman was eager to find a little one as she was unable to have children of her own. She ached for a child to love as her own. Sadly, she got to the church too late; the priest informed her that all the children had been adopted. 

Heartbroken, she began walking out of the church when she heard the woeful whimpering of someone. She looked around and saw a small child, hidden away from everyone. As the woman moved closer, she was startled to see a little girl, physically disfigured from illness. The little girl was crying because no one had wanted to take her; her appearance had apparently made others uncomfortable and passed on her. The little girl was heartbroken because she felt that no one would or could love her; that no one would take her home. The woman, while initially taken aback by the little girl’s disfigured face and malnourishment, saw the beauty of the little girl. Opening her arms, she told the little girl she would be her mother and would love her. And she did. 

Of course, I’m skipping a lot of details and I’ve not told it as beautifully as Fr. O’Reilly did but you get the idea. And you may be able to guess why this story really hit home for me. 

I grew up with the (erroneous) belief that if I wasn’t “perfect” I would be unloved. Again, an unfortunate learned belief. I had to be the perfect daughter, earn the perfect grades, and do what I needed to to be (or seem) perfect. I made a lot of poor decisions as a result but the worst was believing that lie. 

When I thought I was meant to be a wife and mother, I thought about how no man would want to marry me because of my health issues. I didn’t voice these concerns until I was in my late 20s. Again, friends tried to break me of this belief but I couldn’t move past it. I thought it was beautiful to see men and women who married whom they loved despite physical conditions and health issues. Even so, I just couldn’t imagine any man wanting to help me carry the cross of my health. Then I met someone who said he didn’t care and wanted to help me carry that cross. While things obviously didn’t work out there, the experience helped start to break me out of that mentality. 

Reading the story of the little girl and the loving woman, I was reminded that my future spouse will love me, whether I miraculously regain my eyesight or not; whether I’ll be on medication for life or not. If my future Spouse is Christ, I don’t have to be told of his love for me. I know he will provide for me and love me despite (and even because) of my physical ailments. If my future spouse ends up being a mortal man, I know God will send me a man who will see me for who I am and love me in spite of the additional hardships that may result of my visual impairment. 

(side note: I will continue to include both possibilities when speaking of my vocation because, while I’m completely at peace and have my heart set on becoming a consecrated virgin, only God knows if that will ultimately be my true vocation. It wouldn’t be prudent to claim this is my vocation when the decision is not mine to make.)

As I’ve been saying for months, God is doing a lot of work in my heart and this is one of the bigger things he’s been working on. As I’ve said, I’m grateful for my visual impairment and the complicated health journey I’ve had because they’ve gotten me to this place. 

If I had remained unusually healthy as I had from childhood into my teens, I don’t think I would’ve gotten here. The pride and vanity would’ve probably gotten worse. Yet through these hardships God has humbled me and continues to (mercifully) make me smaller and weaker because it’s only in this state that I’ll be able to (hopefully) reach Heaven one day. 

Anyway, these are just some thoughts bouncing around in my mind lately. 

As I said, I’m going through a little relapse at the moment so I’m going to go rest for a little while. I need the nap to help me concentrate on finishing the articles I have due this week. 

I hope you’ve all been well. 

As always, thanks for listening and God bless. 

It’s Official: Permanent Visual Impairment with No Hope of Recovery

 

“Your case is 1 in a million. It’s so rare these days…” 

Those were the words my neuro-ophthalmologist said to me after getting the diagnosis I had been both dreading and ready for: permanent damage and permanent disability. 

There is no hope for recovery and complete healing of my optic nerve atrophy. I will never be able to drive my car again (which I will have to sell). I’ll never go back to a “normal” life again. 

That’s not to say it’s all bad news. There has been a lot of improvement with my eyes. All the physical structures healed as much as they could. The dryness of my eyes is gone for the first time in years. The whiteness on my eyes and nerves from the severe vitamin A deficiency are gone. The swelling of my optic nerves is gone. 

But the atrophy is there. The damage has been done. The swelling went on for so long that the damage is irreversible. 

I’m 1 in a million. A rare case in our modern times. Yeah, okay, but I was hoping to be insignificant and hidden, Lord. But I can’t always get what I want so… a rare case I shall be. 

How many of you would be surprised to hear (read) me say that I’m actually happy I got this diagnosis? No, I’m not happy that I’ll be permanently disabled. I’m not happy that I’ll never be able to see as I used to. No, I’m not happy about the big changes I’ll be forced to make in such short time and with limited (and basically no additional) resources. But there’s so many reasons why I’m incredibly grateful for this diagnosis. 

The first thing I thought was, “Thank You, God, for the permanence of this condition because it’ll keep me close to You.” Having this means I will be able to offer something up on a daily basis, multiple times a day. If all I can do for the Church is offer up all the hardships and little inconveniences I’ll endure for the rest of my life with this condition, I’m grateful for it. 

This is going to help humble me. I hope it breaks my stubborn pride; my stubborn independence. I haven’t had the luxury of doing everything for myself in over a year but now I know this will be my new normal. I will have to rely on the generosity of others and get over myself to ask for help when I need it. One of the hardest things for me to do is ask for help because I was raised to never rely on anyone but myself. I can’t do that anymore. 

I don’t know why but I feel like this is exactly what I need to root out all the vices I struggle with. I also feel like this is going to help thaw that hardened heart of stone I have. Like I said, as odd as it sounds, I’m so grateful for this condition and now the official diagnosis. 

Does this mean I’ll stop asking Bl. Carlo for his intercession? Nope! We’re going to keep praying. Now that it’s an official diagnosis and I’m medically disabled as it’s considered a permanent and lifelong condition, the restoration of my eyesight would be considered s full-fledged miracle. If it’s God’s Will, my eyesight will get restored through Bl. Carlo’s intercession, either hopefully helping his canonization cause or being another miracle attributed to his intercession. If there’s one thing St. Therese has taught me lately it’s to have the “audacity” to be bold enough to hope and pray for that miracle. 

If it’s God’s will that I stay visually impaired for life, I’m going to make the most of it. I’ve already looked into what changes I’ll need to make now that we have an official diagnosis. I’ll need a white walking cane (which my insurance refuses to cover) when I go out on my own. I’ll need a couple of things to make it possible for me to feed myself safely (read: to not burn or cut myself) when my mom is too sick to help me. Lots of little things I’ll need to acquire to make life a little easier but I’ll do that slowly as I have the means to do it. 

I already have a pretty good system when it comes to writing so I’ll just need another thing to make things easier but that’ll l happen when it happens. 

A neighbor is interested in my car and we already talked about that last night; he’s going to take care of what needs to be taken care of for a smooth transfer of ownership. He’s helped us with car issues in the past so it seems fitting that he’ll end up with it. 

Everything else will get figured out as I need to. 

I don’t know how this will change things on a spiritual level. I’m guessing it’ll be good. Getting rid of my car will mean one less material possession and also a lot of practice with patience as I will now rely solely on the Paratransit system that is notoriously late and takes so long to get from point A to point B. As I mentioned, having to rely on others will help me with my pride. And, as I’ve written over the years, I’ve always felt closer to Christ when suffering physical ailments so this can only help strengthen my relationship with him. 

How will this affect my vocation discernment? I don’t know. I won’t be able to work to be financially independent. I’ll be able to do freelance writing but that won’t earn me enough to live off of. I’ve already been warned that the SSA (Social Security Administration) will most likely deny me disability aid more than once when I apply because they’re just difficult like that. One of the big requirements to be a CV is to show that I won’t be a financial burden to the archdiocese so we’ll see how that goes. This sounds like a good additional intention for the 54-day Rosary novena; that if it’s God’s Will that i become a consecrated virgin, that I will get some sort of financial aid to fulfill that requirement. If not… well… I can’t imagine getting married (or any guy wanting to carry this heavy cross with me) so… it’ll be interesting to see where this goes. I trust God and I know He’ll clear the way for whatever path He has in store for me.  

Anyway, I’m sure I’ll have more to write as this all sinks in. For now I’m full of gratitude and even a little bit of joy. I know, I know… I’m weird. lol. 

Anyway, I feel completely depleted (I’ve been feeling a little off and haven’t slept well in several days) so I think I’ll keep listening to Andy Serkis narrating The Fellowship of the Ring while I give myself a little break from everything. 

Please don’t feel bad or sorry for me. I certainly don’t feel bad about this situation whatsoever. I blame St. Therese and the Divine Love renewal I’m almost done with. lol. I see what you did there, Holy Spirit. lol. 

I hope you have all been well lately. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! ❤️

The One Where I Spill My Guts

As I mentioned a few posts ago, God had been going a lot of interior renovations in my heart. Since starting the 54_day Rosary novena a couple of days ago, a lot of what He’s been opening my eyes to for months has become so glaringly obvious that I can no longer deny certain things.

I’ve become selfish. 

I’ve become more of a perfectionist and it’s occasionally turned into terrible frustration. 

I’ve closed my heart to everyone. 

I’ve become someone I don’t like. 

BUT… God has also shown me that not all is lost. Instead of beating myself up for these character traits that I absolutely detest in myself and letting my melancholic temperament take over, He has reminded me that I’m not there these things. Yes, they are a part of me but they don’t have to define me or even becoming a permanent part of me. 

Those who know the trauma I’ve been through (most of which I’ve not publicly shared) can — and have! — accredited these negative traits to what I’ve been through. Not as an excuse to keep acting this way but as an explanation so I can work through it. 

I became selfish when I lost my ability to work more and my savings were depleted. I became more aware of what little I had (financially) and how much I need to make a little last a long time. I also became selfish with my time. Having secondary adrenal insufficiency and having to recover from the year I had last year into the beginning of this year made rest a necessary priority. But I got too used to it — focusing too much on myself and my needs — that I seem to have forgotten what a healthy balance is. 

The perfectionism got worse when I lost my eyesight. I couldn’t do things myself and not getting things done the way I had asked frustrated me. And it still does, though I’m working on it. 

The closing of my heart? That goes back to losing my dad. It’s been 12 years now and I still have that dad-shaped hole in my life. He was the only person I ever truly felt loved me so losing him was a massive blow I’ve never been able to recover from. 

All of these things (and much more) have changed who I am, for better or for worse. I think it’s for worse. Much worse. But, again, not all is lost. I know what’s at the root of all of these things. God is showing me, slowly at time and all at once at other times. He’s showing me the things that have shaped me. He’s shown me where the wounds have come from and how deeply they go in my heart. (I feel deeply and am hurt easily, though I don’t always show it). He has shown me how these things can easily throw me off the path He seems to want me to go down on. 

And He has shown me what I need to do to work on healing and changing for the better. Never has my prayer intention list for this annual Rosary novena been as long, as specific, or as heart-breaking and honest as it is this time around. It’s still selfish in nature but for good. Without sharing all the intentions, let’s just say that I’m asking God to give me the graces to forgive those who’ve hurt me, to learn how to better manage my faults, and how to look at the trauma I’ve been through in a way that I can acknowledge it yet not let it affect me as it has recently. It’s about healing so I can become worthy of Heaven one day. I can’t do that with the anger, resentment, regret, and mourning that I’ve been struggling with lately. Because I *have* been struggling with it. Thankfully, I studied enough psychology to know that this is all because I’ve just recently unrooted the causes and it’s still fresh pain. It’s going to take a lot of work but I’m willing to put in the work because God has not given up on me. 

God sees and knows all. He knows when I do dumb things and why I do them… but he also knows what’s in my heart. He sees me fall flat on my face in spectacular fashion yet He’s always there, patiently waiting for me to get over myself and my stubborn pride before I ask for His help. The parable of the Prodigal Son has been a reoccurring theme in my life these last couple of weeks as I’ve made some major mistakes. He’s opened up His arms and has welcomed me back after my cotton-headed ninny-muggins moments. He has reminded me that He loves me, flaws and all. 

God has shown me my worth. He has shown me that this is only temporary and that I’m not a total lost cause. He has shown me how He still loves me and how He is next to me when I’m on my knees, at times angry and at times heartbroken, tears flowing down my face. 

Our Lady and St. Therese are also there with me. I give thanks to God for giving me such a vivid imagination because I can clearly see them, one on either side of me, holding my hands when I’m in the most pained and most repentant states. 

I’ve seen myself at the foot of the Cross, on my knees, with St. Mary Magdalene covering me from the rain with her embrace. 

I’ve pictured Blessed Carlo Acutis reminding me that I’m stronger than I think; that he’s in my corner, interceding for (at least) the physical and some of the spiritual wounds I have. 

I have St. Philomena and St. Joan of Arc reminding me of the strength and courage I’m capable of mustering up. 

I have St. Kateri reminding me of what’s deep in my heart and how no one will be able to take that away from me. 

These saints, and many more, are helping me in their own ways. I’m learning from them. About humility. The “audacity” to be bold enough to ask God to make me a saint through littleness. About repentance. About strength and courage. About hope and love of others. About being true to myself and not fearing loving Christ with my whole heart. 

Ah, yes. Christ. He’s there as well. He holds my heart. He knows how I long to fall deeper in love with him. He knows what a broken, wounded, flawed bride I would be but, yet, it doesn’t seem like he minds too much as he continues to use my love languages of flowers and music to unexpectedly remind me of how much he loves me and how much I already love him. Anyone remember the blog post I wrote in January 2018 when I wrote that I heard “let (Christ) court you”? This was almost 2 years before I officially began discerning consecrated virginity. I feel like lately he’s reminding me that he has chosen me as his potential bride. He loves me as I am, ugly and horrible parts included, and he can help me through it. Just as an earthly spouse is meant to help their spouse get to Heaven through their vocation of marriage, Christ is more than willing to take me on and do the same for me as a consecrated virgin. I’m still waiting for the chance to talk to Archbishop Gómez to confirm this but I’m at peace either way. 

So, what’s the message of the blog post? I don’t know. I just want to write down my thoughts and feelings somewhere. I guess it’s about hope and perseverance. 

I’ve been through things I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I feel like I’ve aged so much in just the last 2 years. But I am grateful for it all. Even in my moments of anger, resentment, pain, and sadness, I can see that this is for my own good. We all have to go through this “vale of tears” but it’s not for eternity. All I have to do is cling onto my (potential) future Spouse, my “saint squad”, and remind myself that my Heavenly Father will never give up on me. 

Anyway, that’s all I wanted to share. Sorry if it’s a little on the heavy side but, like I said, this is something that was on my heart to share. Even if no one reads it or if it invites ridicule, I 1000% stand by what I wrote as it’s what I think and feel. 

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to listen to a bit of music before I have to take my evening blood pressure reading. Yes, I get it checked twice a day to make sure my (naturally low) blood pressure doesn’t get low enough to need a hospital visit. Secondary adrenal insufficiency people problems. lol. 

I hope you are all well. 

Thanks for reading (if anyone still is) and God bless.  

Join the annual 54-day Rosary novena!

Hello, you lovely blog readers!

It's that time of the year again. I want to invite you to join what has become an annual tradition for both Casa Emmy and blog readers/friends.

For those of you who may be new to this blog, I'll give you a quick history. A couple of years ago, I started inviting Twitter friends to join in on praying the 54-day Rosary novena when I prayed it. There's strength in numbers, right? I didn't ask them to pray for my own specific intention; I left it up to each person to pray for whatever massive intention they had with the option of adding the intentions of everyone else praying the novena. It went well so I did it again the following year and I invited blog readers to join in. To my surprise, many did join in and the number of people praying the novena grew that year... and the year after that... and the year after that, etc.

To this day, I still get messages about the amazing graces and answered intentions following the novena. I’ve had so many intentions answered over the years, some of which have been life changing.

As per tradition -- and as recommended -- we'll begin the novena on All Saints' Day (tomorrow) and end on Christmas Eve. If you do the math (and I have), it's exactly 54 days between All Saints' Day and Christmas Eve so, you know, perfect timing! This novena is recommended for intentions of all sizes and severities. I will also be offering to send you a daily reminder if you need one through Twitter. Please let me know by tonight if you need those reminders.

Every year people ask if it matters if you do the traditional Rosary (without the Luminous Mysteries) or with the Luminous Mysteries added. The answer is: do whichever you want. I personally do the traditional order without the Luminous Mysteries because that's how it was first prayed from the beginning of the devotion but the choice is all yours. The website I use has both versions so it's totally up to you and your own preference.

Of course, I'm also going to throw the annual word of caution: this novena is not for the faint of heart. Many people (myself included) have experienced what I call a "Murphy's Law streak." If something can go wrong, it's likely that it will go wrong. That's not to say that everyone will experience it. I've known people who've had no problems during it. Mom and I had just one minor hiccup during one of them. I've also known people who've only seen the good that has come from the novena. Still, I know there are people who've abandoned the novena because they've gotten overwhelmed with the obstacles they've encountered while doing this novena. The graces have always outweighed the bad (in hindsight) and if you have a huge intention that you really feel stuck on, I cannot recommend doing this novena enough.

Please don't let what I've just warned scare you off. I'm only informing you that this novena can really test someone so that you're prepared if you want in. But, you should also keep in mind that that's what the devil wants. He doesn't want you to pray for our Blessed Mother's intercession, especially for a big intention. He'll put obstacles in your way... but God is greater and Mama Mary will always crush the devil’s head. Keep frequenting the Sacraments, constantly invoke our Lady's protection, ask your Guardian Angel for some angelic backup, and you should be fine.

Having said that (and having potentially scared some of you off; lol, sorry!!), I'd still love for as many of you as possible to join this year's novena. Please let me know by tonight so I can add you to the list of those participating, especially if you want to daily reminders. There are already about 10 people signed up (even before I started editing this post) and I'm excited to see how many more will join this year!

That's it from me for now. I hope you all have a lovely rest of the week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! 😊

I’m Mourning (My) Lost Motherhood

 

I was a chubby baby, wasn’t I? lol. 

Today I’m grieving the loss of my ability to become a mother. 

No, I did not lose a child. No, I did not get a diagnosis that says I’m unable to have children. But I am mourning the fact that I’m very unlikely to be a biological or adoptive mother due to my vocation. 

Now, I want to make it clear that this doesn’t mean that consecrated virginity is a bad vocation or an invalid one. I would not be discerning it if 1) I didn’t feel like God was calling me to this vocation and 2) if it went against Church teachings. But it’s also not the easiest one to accept because it’s meant giving up a life-long dream of being a wife and mother. In fact, that’s why I stubbornly fought discerning this for so many years. 

As early as 2009-2010, I could feel myself being called to being a CV (though, at the time I didn’t know CV was an actual vocation) but I fought it. Part of it was because I was being pressured to not stay single. I was made to feel like I was just being selfish and that I loved my independence too much. I felt like I was being too picky; that my standards when it came to relationships were too high. So, I pushed back on the idea of staying single. It helped that I truly wanted to be a wife and mother… but deep down I felt like it was forced. Fast-forward 8-9 years, there was someone in my life who wanted to marry me and had waited years for me to be ready… but I couldn’t get past the fact that it didn’t feel right for Christ not to have my heart completely; that a mortal man had to share it. That’s when I knew I had to bite the bullet and live with disappointing everyone who wanted to see me married. 

This discernment has been difficult. I’ve had to give up on the idea of being a wife and mother… and the fact that I may never be a mother has hit me particularly hard lately. As I mentioned in my previous post, I’m still unpacking what I feel God has been asking me to meditate on — especially what’s in my heart — and that’s a lot of love I have to give. 

I’ve been officially discerning consecrated virginity for 2 years now. It was 2 years ago this month that I knew I had to pull the plug on whatever was going on with the guy. The fact that being a CV would mean never being a mother (other than a spiritual mother) isn’t a new one that has caught me off guard. Still, it isn’t easy to reflect on. 

It may be because I always assumed that I would be able to give that love that I feel overflows to a husband and children. It may be that I’m almost halfway to 37. Yes, I know it’s not ladylike to state my age and that some of you don’t believe I’m as old as I am because I apparently still don’t look like I’m over 25-28, but I’m saying it. It may just be my biological clock reminding me that if I ever want a chance to have kids, my window of opportunity is rapidly coming to a close. It could be that I’ve been spending too much time around friends with babies and little children and the fact that I’ve always love little kids. Or it could be that God is allowing me to mourn this loss of motherhood now as part of the discernment so I can be certain of the vocation going into the last stages of the discernment process. Who knows, it could be a combination of all the above. One thing that I’m certain of is that I’m definitely grieving it… and I’m grateful to God for it. 

Was that a plot twist for some of you? Yes, you read that right. I’m glad I’m mourning the loss of motherhood. And, no, I don’t say that because I get a sick masochistic thrill out of the pain. I’m glad because I know God will bring good out of it, like when I lost my eyesight. I think it will help me embrace and enrich my spiritual motherhood even more. I don’t know how yet but I know God brings good out of seemingly bad situations… although this one isn’t bad. 

As I said, I’m being forced (in a good way!) to dive deeper into what’s in my heart. Since I cannot be a biological or adoptive mother, how can I share the love in my heart as a spiritual mother? How can I use my maternal instincts to better serve the Church and my diocese as a consecrated virgin? This is definitely something I’ll be thinking about and discussing with my spiritual director because this will be something that will be an important part of my discernment and vocation. 

Anyway, I wanted to share these thoughts because I feel like they don’t get talked about enough amongst those who are single and unsure of their vocations and /orfor those discerning consecrated virginity. It’s normal to grieve over the loss of the idea of marriage and motherhood. It’s part of our humanity and the gift of being a woman. 

I think that’s enough soul-baring for now, don’t you? lol. 

I hope you are all doing well!

As always, thank you for reading and God bless!