It’s Official: Permanent Visual Impairment with No Hope of Recovery

 

“Your case is 1 in a million. It’s so rare these days…” 

Those were the words my neuro-ophthalmologist said to me after getting the diagnosis I had been both dreading and ready for: permanent damage and permanent disability. 

There is no hope for recovery and complete healing of my optic nerve atrophy. I will never be able to drive my car again (which I will have to sell). I’ll never go back to a “normal” life again. 

That’s not to say it’s all bad news. There has been a lot of improvement with my eyes. All the physical structures healed as much as they could. The dryness of my eyes is gone for the first time in years. The whiteness on my eyes and nerves from the severe vitamin A deficiency are gone. The swelling of my optic nerves is gone. 

But the atrophy is there. The damage has been done. The swelling went on for so long that the damage is irreversible. 

I’m 1 in a million. A rare case in our modern times. Yeah, okay, but I was hoping to be insignificant and hidden, Lord. But I can’t always get what I want so… a rare case I shall be. 

How many of you would be surprised to hear (read) me say that I’m actually happy I got this diagnosis? No, I’m not happy that I’ll be permanently disabled. I’m not happy that I’ll never be able to see as I used to. No, I’m not happy about the big changes I’ll be forced to make in such short time and with limited (and basically no additional) resources. But there’s so many reasons why I’m incredibly grateful for this diagnosis. 

The first thing I thought was, “Thank You, God, for the permanence of this condition because it’ll keep me close to You.” Having this means I will be able to offer something up on a daily basis, multiple times a day. If all I can do for the Church is offer up all the hardships and little inconveniences I’ll endure for the rest of my life with this condition, I’m grateful for it. 

This is going to help humble me. I hope it breaks my stubborn pride; my stubborn independence. I haven’t had the luxury of doing everything for myself in over a year but now I know this will be my new normal. I will have to rely on the generosity of others and get over myself to ask for help when I need it. One of the hardest things for me to do is ask for help because I was raised to never rely on anyone but myself. I can’t do that anymore. 

I don’t know why but I feel like this is exactly what I need to root out all the vices I struggle with. I also feel like this is going to help thaw that hardened heart of stone I have. Like I said, as odd as it sounds, I’m so grateful for this condition and now the official diagnosis. 

Does this mean I’ll stop asking Bl. Carlo for his intercession? Nope! We’re going to keep praying. Now that it’s an official diagnosis and I’m medically disabled as it’s considered a permanent and lifelong condition, the restoration of my eyesight would be considered s full-fledged miracle. If it’s God’s Will, my eyesight will get restored through Bl. Carlo’s intercession, either hopefully helping his canonization cause or being another miracle attributed to his intercession. If there’s one thing St. Therese has taught me lately it’s to have the “audacity” to be bold enough to hope and pray for that miracle. 

If it’s God’s will that I stay visually impaired for life, I’m going to make the most of it. I’ve already looked into what changes I’ll need to make now that we have an official diagnosis. I’ll need a white walking cane (which my insurance refuses to cover) when I go out on my own. I’ll need a couple of things to make it possible for me to feed myself safely (read: to not burn or cut myself) when my mom is too sick to help me. Lots of little things I’ll need to acquire to make life a little easier but I’ll do that slowly as I have the means to do it. 

I already have a pretty good system when it comes to writing so I’ll just need another thing to make things easier but that’ll l happen when it happens. 

A neighbor is interested in my car and we already talked about that last night; he’s going to take care of what needs to be taken care of for a smooth transfer of ownership. He’s helped us with car issues in the past so it seems fitting that he’ll end up with it. 

Everything else will get figured out as I need to. 

I don’t know how this will change things on a spiritual level. I’m guessing it’ll be good. Getting rid of my car will mean one less material possession and also a lot of practice with patience as I will now rely solely on the Paratransit system that is notoriously late and takes so long to get from point A to point B. As I mentioned, having to rely on others will help me with my pride. And, as I’ve written over the years, I’ve always felt closer to Christ when suffering physical ailments so this can only help strengthen my relationship with him. 

How will this affect my vocation discernment? I don’t know. I won’t be able to work to be financially independent. I’ll be able to do freelance writing but that won’t earn me enough to live off of. I’ve already been warned that the SSA (Social Security Administration) will most likely deny me disability aid more than once when I apply because they’re just difficult like that. One of the big requirements to be a CV is to show that I won’t be a financial burden to the archdiocese so we’ll see how that goes. This sounds like a good additional intention for the 54-day Rosary novena; that if it’s God’s Will that i become a consecrated virgin, that I will get some sort of financial aid to fulfill that requirement. If not… well… I can’t imagine getting married (or any guy wanting to carry this heavy cross with me) so… it’ll be interesting to see where this goes. I trust God and I know He’ll clear the way for whatever path He has in store for me.  

Anyway, I’m sure I’ll have more to write as this all sinks in. For now I’m full of gratitude and even a little bit of joy. I know, I know… I’m weird. lol. 

Anyway, I feel completely depleted (I’ve been feeling a little off and haven’t slept well in several days) so I think I’ll keep listening to Andy Serkis narrating The Fellowship of the Ring while I give myself a little break from everything. 

Please don’t feel bad or sorry for me. I certainly don’t feel bad about this situation whatsoever. I blame St. Therese and the Divine Love renewal I’m almost done with. lol. I see what you did there, Holy Spirit. lol. 

I hope you have all been well lately. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! ❤️

The One Where I Spill My Guts

As I mentioned a few posts ago, God had been going a lot of interior renovations in my heart. Since starting the 54_day Rosary novena a couple of days ago, a lot of what He’s been opening my eyes to for months has become so glaringly obvious that I can no longer deny certain things.

I’ve become selfish. 

I’ve become more of a perfectionist and it’s occasionally turned into terrible frustration. 

I’ve closed my heart to everyone. 

I’ve become someone I don’t like. 

BUT… God has also shown me that not all is lost. Instead of beating myself up for these character traits that I absolutely detest in myself and letting my melancholic temperament take over, He has reminded me that I’m not there these things. Yes, they are a part of me but they don’t have to define me or even becoming a permanent part of me. 

Those who know the trauma I’ve been through (most of which I’ve not publicly shared) can — and have! — accredited these negative traits to what I’ve been through. Not as an excuse to keep acting this way but as an explanation so I can work through it. 

I became selfish when I lost my ability to work more and my savings were depleted. I became more aware of what little I had (financially) and how much I need to make a little last a long time. I also became selfish with my time. Having secondary adrenal insufficiency and having to recover from the year I had last year into the beginning of this year made rest a necessary priority. But I got too used to it — focusing too much on myself and my needs — that I seem to have forgotten what a healthy balance is. 

The perfectionism got worse when I lost my eyesight. I couldn’t do things myself and not getting things done the way I had asked frustrated me. And it still does, though I’m working on it. 

The closing of my heart? That goes back to losing my dad. It’s been 12 years now and I still have that dad-shaped hole in my life. He was the only person I ever truly felt loved me so losing him was a massive blow I’ve never been able to recover from. 

All of these things (and much more) have changed who I am, for better or for worse. I think it’s for worse. Much worse. But, again, not all is lost. I know what’s at the root of all of these things. God is showing me, slowly at time and all at once at other times. He’s showing me the things that have shaped me. He’s shown me where the wounds have come from and how deeply they go in my heart. (I feel deeply and am hurt easily, though I don’t always show it). He has shown me how these things can easily throw me off the path He seems to want me to go down on. 

And He has shown me what I need to do to work on healing and changing for the better. Never has my prayer intention list for this annual Rosary novena been as long, as specific, or as heart-breaking and honest as it is this time around. It’s still selfish in nature but for good. Without sharing all the intentions, let’s just say that I’m asking God to give me the graces to forgive those who’ve hurt me, to learn how to better manage my faults, and how to look at the trauma I’ve been through in a way that I can acknowledge it yet not let it affect me as it has recently. It’s about healing so I can become worthy of Heaven one day. I can’t do that with the anger, resentment, regret, and mourning that I’ve been struggling with lately. Because I *have* been struggling with it. Thankfully, I studied enough psychology to know that this is all because I’ve just recently unrooted the causes and it’s still fresh pain. It’s going to take a lot of work but I’m willing to put in the work because God has not given up on me. 

God sees and knows all. He knows when I do dumb things and why I do them… but he also knows what’s in my heart. He sees me fall flat on my face in spectacular fashion yet He’s always there, patiently waiting for me to get over myself and my stubborn pride before I ask for His help. The parable of the Prodigal Son has been a reoccurring theme in my life these last couple of weeks as I’ve made some major mistakes. He’s opened up His arms and has welcomed me back after my cotton-headed ninny-muggins moments. He has reminded me that He loves me, flaws and all. 

God has shown me my worth. He has shown me that this is only temporary and that I’m not a total lost cause. He has shown me how He still loves me and how He is next to me when I’m on my knees, at times angry and at times heartbroken, tears flowing down my face. 

Our Lady and St. Therese are also there with me. I give thanks to God for giving me such a vivid imagination because I can clearly see them, one on either side of me, holding my hands when I’m in the most pained and most repentant states. 

I’ve seen myself at the foot of the Cross, on my knees, with St. Mary Magdalene covering me from the rain with her embrace. 

I’ve pictured Blessed Carlo Acutis reminding me that I’m stronger than I think; that he’s in my corner, interceding for (at least) the physical and some of the spiritual wounds I have. 

I have St. Philomena and St. Joan of Arc reminding me of the strength and courage I’m capable of mustering up. 

I have St. Kateri reminding me of what’s deep in my heart and how no one will be able to take that away from me. 

These saints, and many more, are helping me in their own ways. I’m learning from them. About humility. The “audacity” to be bold enough to ask God to make me a saint through littleness. About repentance. About strength and courage. About hope and love of others. About being true to myself and not fearing loving Christ with my whole heart. 

Ah, yes. Christ. He’s there as well. He holds my heart. He knows how I long to fall deeper in love with him. He knows what a broken, wounded, flawed bride I would be but, yet, it doesn’t seem like he minds too much as he continues to use my love languages of flowers and music to unexpectedly remind me of how much he loves me and how much I already love him. Anyone remember the blog post I wrote in January 2018 when I wrote that I heard “let (Christ) court you”? This was almost 2 years before I officially began discerning consecrated virginity. I feel like lately he’s reminding me that he has chosen me as his potential bride. He loves me as I am, ugly and horrible parts included, and he can help me through it. Just as an earthly spouse is meant to help their spouse get to Heaven through their vocation of marriage, Christ is more than willing to take me on and do the same for me as a consecrated virgin. I’m still waiting for the chance to talk to Archbishop Gómez to confirm this but I’m at peace either way. 

So, what’s the message of the blog post? I don’t know. I just want to write down my thoughts and feelings somewhere. I guess it’s about hope and perseverance. 

I’ve been through things I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I feel like I’ve aged so much in just the last 2 years. But I am grateful for it all. Even in my moments of anger, resentment, pain, and sadness, I can see that this is for my own good. We all have to go through this “vale of tears” but it’s not for eternity. All I have to do is cling onto my (potential) future Spouse, my “saint squad”, and remind myself that my Heavenly Father will never give up on me. 

Anyway, that’s all I wanted to share. Sorry if it’s a little on the heavy side but, like I said, this is something that was on my heart to share. Even if no one reads it or if it invites ridicule, I 1000% stand by what I wrote as it’s what I think and feel. 

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to listen to a bit of music before I have to take my evening blood pressure reading. Yes, I get it checked twice a day to make sure my (naturally low) blood pressure doesn’t get low enough to need a hospital visit. Secondary adrenal insufficiency people problems. lol. 

I hope you are all well. 

Thanks for reading (if anyone still is) and God bless.  

Join the annual 54-day Rosary novena!

Hello, you lovely blog readers!

It's that time of the year again. I want to invite you to join what has become an annual tradition for both Casa Emmy and blog readers/friends.

For those of you who may be new to this blog, I'll give you a quick history. A couple of years ago, I started inviting Twitter friends to join in on praying the 54-day Rosary novena when I prayed it. There's strength in numbers, right? I didn't ask them to pray for my own specific intention; I left it up to each person to pray for whatever massive intention they had with the option of adding the intentions of everyone else praying the novena. It went well so I did it again the following year and I invited blog readers to join in. To my surprise, many did join in and the number of people praying the novena grew that year... and the year after that... and the year after that, etc.

To this day, I still get messages about the amazing graces and answered intentions following the novena. I’ve had so many intentions answered over the years, some of which have been life changing.

As per tradition -- and as recommended -- we'll begin the novena on All Saints' Day (tomorrow) and end on Christmas Eve. If you do the math (and I have), it's exactly 54 days between All Saints' Day and Christmas Eve so, you know, perfect timing! This novena is recommended for intentions of all sizes and severities. I will also be offering to send you a daily reminder if you need one through Twitter. Please let me know by tonight if you need those reminders.

Every year people ask if it matters if you do the traditional Rosary (without the Luminous Mysteries) or with the Luminous Mysteries added. The answer is: do whichever you want. I personally do the traditional order without the Luminous Mysteries because that's how it was first prayed from the beginning of the devotion but the choice is all yours. The website I use has both versions so it's totally up to you and your own preference.

Of course, I'm also going to throw the annual word of caution: this novena is not for the faint of heart. Many people (myself included) have experienced what I call a "Murphy's Law streak." If something can go wrong, it's likely that it will go wrong. That's not to say that everyone will experience it. I've known people who've had no problems during it. Mom and I had just one minor hiccup during one of them. I've also known people who've only seen the good that has come from the novena. Still, I know there are people who've abandoned the novena because they've gotten overwhelmed with the obstacles they've encountered while doing this novena. The graces have always outweighed the bad (in hindsight) and if you have a huge intention that you really feel stuck on, I cannot recommend doing this novena enough.

Please don't let what I've just warned scare you off. I'm only informing you that this novena can really test someone so that you're prepared if you want in. But, you should also keep in mind that that's what the devil wants. He doesn't want you to pray for our Blessed Mother's intercession, especially for a big intention. He'll put obstacles in your way... but God is greater and Mama Mary will always crush the devil’s head. Keep frequenting the Sacraments, constantly invoke our Lady's protection, ask your Guardian Angel for some angelic backup, and you should be fine.

Having said that (and having potentially scared some of you off; lol, sorry!!), I'd still love for as many of you as possible to join this year's novena. Please let me know by tonight so I can add you to the list of those participating, especially if you want to daily reminders. There are already about 10 people signed up (even before I started editing this post) and I'm excited to see how many more will join this year!

That's it from me for now. I hope you all have a lovely rest of the week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! 😊

I’m Mourning (My) Lost Motherhood

 

I was a chubby baby, wasn’t I? lol. 

Today I’m grieving the loss of my ability to become a mother. 

No, I did not lose a child. No, I did not get a diagnosis that says I’m unable to have children. But I am mourning the fact that I’m very unlikely to be a biological or adoptive mother due to my vocation. 

Now, I want to make it clear that this doesn’t mean that consecrated virginity is a bad vocation or an invalid one. I would not be discerning it if 1) I didn’t feel like God was calling me to this vocation and 2) if it went against Church teachings. But it’s also not the easiest one to accept because it’s meant giving up a life-long dream of being a wife and mother. In fact, that’s why I stubbornly fought discerning this for so many years. 

As early as 2009-2010, I could feel myself being called to being a CV (though, at the time I didn’t know CV was an actual vocation) but I fought it. Part of it was because I was being pressured to not stay single. I was made to feel like I was just being selfish and that I loved my independence too much. I felt like I was being too picky; that my standards when it came to relationships were too high. So, I pushed back on the idea of staying single. It helped that I truly wanted to be a wife and mother… but deep down I felt like it was forced. Fast-forward 8-9 years, there was someone in my life who wanted to marry me and had waited years for me to be ready… but I couldn’t get past the fact that it didn’t feel right for Christ not to have my heart completely; that a mortal man had to share it. That’s when I knew I had to bite the bullet and live with disappointing everyone who wanted to see me married. 

This discernment has been difficult. I’ve had to give up on the idea of being a wife and mother… and the fact that I may never be a mother has hit me particularly hard lately. As I mentioned in my previous post, I’m still unpacking what I feel God has been asking me to meditate on — especially what’s in my heart — and that’s a lot of love I have to give. 

I’ve been officially discerning consecrated virginity for 2 years now. It was 2 years ago this month that I knew I had to pull the plug on whatever was going on with the guy. The fact that being a CV would mean never being a mother (other than a spiritual mother) isn’t a new one that has caught me off guard. Still, it isn’t easy to reflect on. 

It may be because I always assumed that I would be able to give that love that I feel overflows to a husband and children. It may be that I’m almost halfway to 37. Yes, I know it’s not ladylike to state my age and that some of you don’t believe I’m as old as I am because I apparently still don’t look like I’m over 25-28, but I’m saying it. It may just be my biological clock reminding me that if I ever want a chance to have kids, my window of opportunity is rapidly coming to a close. It could be that I’ve been spending too much time around friends with babies and little children and the fact that I’ve always love little kids. Or it could be that God is allowing me to mourn this loss of motherhood now as part of the discernment so I can be certain of the vocation going into the last stages of the discernment process. Who knows, it could be a combination of all the above. One thing that I’m certain of is that I’m definitely grieving it… and I’m grateful to God for it. 

Was that a plot twist for some of you? Yes, you read that right. I’m glad I’m mourning the loss of motherhood. And, no, I don’t say that because I get a sick masochistic thrill out of the pain. I’m glad because I know God will bring good out of it, like when I lost my eyesight. I think it will help me embrace and enrich my spiritual motherhood even more. I don’t know how yet but I know God brings good out of seemingly bad situations… although this one isn’t bad. 

As I said, I’m being forced (in a good way!) to dive deeper into what’s in my heart. Since I cannot be a biological or adoptive mother, how can I share the love in my heart as a spiritual mother? How can I use my maternal instincts to better serve the Church and my diocese as a consecrated virgin? This is definitely something I’ll be thinking about and discussing with my spiritual director because this will be something that will be an important part of my discernment and vocation. 

Anyway, I wanted to share these thoughts because I feel like they don’t get talked about enough amongst those who are single and unsure of their vocations and /orfor those discerning consecrated virginity. It’s normal to grieve over the loss of the idea of marriage and motherhood. It’s part of our humanity and the gift of being a woman. 

I think that’s enough soul-baring for now, don’t you? lol. 

I hope you are all doing well!

As always, thank you for reading and God bless! 

But I’m Made for Love…

 

“But I’m made for love / Yes, I’m made for love…”

These lyrics to a song I would’ve never listened to if it hadn’t randomly played on Spotify have been replaying in my mind for a couple of days. It has become the theme to my last week and (maybe) the rest of this month. 

I took a break from social media this past week because I was feeling burnt out. I knew that once I threw a mini rant about Simone Biles equating losing her ability to do gymnastics to losing one’s eyesight that I had enough of social media for a while. But, that was only part of the problem. 

I had been feeling disconnected from God for a while now. It’s like I came crashing down from the high of making my final promises as Benedictine oblate and I was left thinking, “… now what?” As the time passed I found myself using social media more and more frequently. I couldn’t explain why except that it seemed to be the only thing that calmed down my restlessness. But, at the same time, it made things worse. I could no longer concentrate on any of my prayers, even the short ones. It added to the feeling that I was distancing myself from God even more. 

It became painfully obvious that I’d somehow deviated from the path He’d set me on. I saw what was missing — the Sacraments — and what was adding to the fatigue: social media. 

I haven’t attended Mass this the last Mass I went to at Clear Creek Abbey. I haven’t gone to confession since my spiritual director and I met up before my trip. I’ve been sick (blood tests have since helped figure out what was causing me to feel sick) and I’ve lacked transportation of the odd Sunday that I’ve felt well enough to attend Mass have kept me at home and away from the Sacraments. Never has it been more obvious that the one way I will be able to survive whatever God has in store for me is to frequent the Sacraments more often. I have to figure out how to do that with my circumstances but I know God will provide somehow. 

As for social media, I think I was using it as a substitute for community that I’m missing at home. I don’t see my friends too often as we’re all spread out in Southern California and then across the States as more and more people leave California. But the negativity of social media was getting to me. And the constant bombardment of updates was frazzling my mind. I realized that I need to do one thing at a time or else I get overwhelmed. Social media, with its infinite scrolling and automatic refreshing timelines was too much for me. 

That’s why I took the break — too much outside noise and not enough quality time with Christ. So, I decided to make an uncharacteristically impulsive (if you can call it that) decision to detox from social media for a couple of days. 

During my time away from social media I felt like God was asking me three big questions:

“What’s in your heart?”

“What’s most important to you?”

“What are you willing to give up for Me?”

While I’ve yet to figure out all the answers to those questions, the partial answers have gone back to the song: “I was made for love.”

What’s in my heart? More than I can share on here but, to begin with, I would love to return to how I was in the early days of my reversion and unapologetically be myself. I miss not worrying about looking uneducated & ignorant on faith matters. The reality is that I don’t know as much as my friends and peers do. I’m certainly no theologian despite having amazing mentors and even going to graduate school for Biblical Theology. The truth is that I study theology and philosophy but I don’t remember details. My brain doesn’t work like that. I remember things that stand out because it’s usually relevant to me at the moment. It sounds egotistical, and perhaps it is, but once I live it, I can then use my experience to better explain things to someone in the future. It’s just how I learn and process things. And that’s okay. So, I’m going to try to not let my ignorance get to me. Instead, I’ll continue praying the Litany of Humility so that I can truly embrace the ridicule and comments that will be made as I live my life as authentically as possible; as I ask more and more questions about faith matters that I “should know” but don’t. 

What’s most important to me? Living a life full of love and faith. St. Teresa of Calcutta has been popping up a lot in my life lately and I think it’s because I can learn a lot from her. Her entire life was about living a life full of love and faith. She loved people with her whole heart /!: saw Christ in every single person she encountered. I want to be able to do that, even with the people who’ve hurt me. I know that regardless of who my future spouse will be — whether he will be Christ or a mortal man, I have so much love in my heart that I can give to others, just like Mother Teresa did. Obviously, living a faith-filled life also means living my life according to the holy Rule of St. Benedict and detaching myself more from worldly things. 

What am I willing to give up? Everything. How can I claim that my love for Christ runs deep if I’m not willing to give everything up for Him? I’ve come to the point where I’m tired of living my life in fear: fear of disappointing others, fear of losing my worldly comforts, and fear of being left with nothing & no one. If it means giving up everything  — family, friends, my hometown, etc., I’m willing to do that. I’ve realized that I will never be truly free until I place my entire trust in His Divine Providence. I cannot keep living life in fear of what I can lose. I must live it thinking about all I can gain at the end of a life lived for Christ. 

As a result, I won’t be as active on social media as I’ve been because of all the internal unrest that creeps into my day when I’m on it for long periods of time. When I can’t focus on any prayers — even the short ones — I know it’s time to cut back. When I do share something it’ll be because I want to share something with friends. Not followers; friends. I refuse to look at the number of followers on my account because it’s just a number and I don’t want to think of people as just a number or a “set of followers.” It’s so disrespectful (in my opinion). 

Like I said, there’s still so many more answers that I need to take time to pray about but I think this is a good start for now. 

“But I’m made for love / Yes, I’m made for love…”

Let’s see just where this quest to live my life full of love and faith takes me.