Ladies and gentlemen, St. Veronica and St. Pío of Pitrelcina (a.k.a. Padre Pío) have entered the chat. Ha!
I was very excited to get both of these wonderful saints as my patrons for the new liturgical year. I normally would’ve waited until the calendar New Year to choose patron saints but I wanted to do things differently this year. I want to order my life according to the liturgical year and seasons rather than the secular one. Of course, certain things will have to continue to run on the secular calendar year but it’s okay.
So, how did I end up with two patrons for the year? Well, because my mom didn’t like that St. Veronica was one of the patronesses of dying people. Yes, it sounds very silly but, as I was reading all the patronages listed on the Saints Name Generator <https://saintsnamegenerator.com> listing, Mom immediately said, “Dying people? Do it again!” So, I did. And I ended up with her spiritual father. Since I loved both saints, I kept them both. Hence why St. Veronica and St. Pío have entered the chat. I think they were perfect for a couple of reasons I’ve already hinted at in the previous post.
As I had previously written, the Holy Spirit has been enlightening me on what a poor state both my spiritual life and my soul are currently in. Since the start of Advent, I’ve slowly been putting together the puzzle pieces that have slowly popped up over the last year. My selfishness. My impatience. My anger issues (which I didn’t think I had). My increasing uncharitableness. My materialism (again, which I didn’t think I suffered from). My vanity. My pride. Ultimately, my root sin which was most unexpected.
If you had asked me what I thought my root sin was, I would’ve gone with pride. I looked at the list <https://spiritualdirection.com/2010/04/26/how-can-i-identify-my-root-sin> of the three possible root sins — pride, vanity, and sensuality — and I thought, “Oh, pride! For sure! Maybe vanity but most likely pride. No way is it sensuality.” Then I read the descriptions for all three and I was surprised that pride and sensuality had an equal number of checks on the list. And the more I thought about it, the more I was unsure of which of the two was the biggest problem for me. I wanted to tackle uprooting the sin for Lent this year but my spiritual director very wisely told me not to do it. In fact, he had me not take up any penances this year as I was still coming out of the worst spiritual desert spell I’ve ever experienced. Instead, I was to simplify my prayer life (becase I had way too many things going on and was burning myself out) and focus on those things. However, the idea of uprooting the sin stayed in my mind and it’s been like a spotlight has shown on it since the beginning of Advent.
Again, I was very much prepared to have a very calm and simple Advent season. I wasn’t going to do any Advent-specific devotional book reading. I wasn’t going to do any big things for penance (more on this in a bit). I was just going to try to concentrate on preparing my heart for Jesus. I was going to read the book Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI wrote on the infancy of Jesus and read Introduction to the Devout Life by St. Francis de Sales. But, of course, things never go the way we planned.
As I wrote in the last post, things have been kind of crazy in the household lately. It’s only now starting to feel like things are finally beginning to slow down. I just finished the book by Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI yesterday despite it being a very short book and having it for nearly 3 weeks. I only now began the spiritual meditations on the book by St. Francis de Sales as well. It’s been “go, go, go!” and we’re lucky if we can get the Rosary novena in in the morning when it’s still quiet. So, no, I haven’t had a slower-paced season. And in the middle of all of that, I’m seeing the ugly truth of what my root sin is and how it’s seriously affecting me.
As you might’ve guessed, my root sin is the one I least expected — sensuality. I thought, “No way! I’m discerning consecrated virginity. God has given me wisdom and courage to deflect the very inappropriate invitations and flirtations that came from young men (who made it very clear that they just wanted to “have fun” without any strings attached). I’ve had someone ask me if I was asexual because I started discerning consecrated virginity and I never expressed a desire for certain aspects of romantic relationships. I don’t carry the cross of struggling with pornography — I’ve even been called a prude by others because of how uncomfortable I feel watching certain scenes in movies! How is this even possible?” But, of course, my understanding of what sensuality actually encompassed was incredibly shallow.
I did learn that sensuality was more than just the marital act when I was a Religious Studies undergrad. It was one of the few orthodox things I learned at my Catholic in Name Only college alma mater. But I sort of didn’t pay much attention to that specific one because I thought I didn’t have a problem with it. And maybe it wasn’t as pronounced back then since I was a lot better at taking up bodily mortifications and penances. But now? It’s a whole different story.
My issue is that I’ve grown too comfortable and flinch away from anything that is physically uncomfortable to me. At first, I thought it was prudence on my part. Perhaps it was, but it really became a problem that I need serious spiritual help with.
What am I struggling with? A number of things.
Materialism. Worrying too much about the household’s finances and failing to remember that God will provide for our needs. And, when we finally got a little financial stability, I became preoccupied with trying to replace everything that was broken, on its last legs, or old so we wouldn’t have to struggle with or go without them. Some of it was necessary — our clothing was practically see-through — but some weren’t. I found myself spending the majority of my day on shopping sites and I didn’t like it.
Life of pleasure. Under this category fell the majority of my bad habits which revolved around the seeking of comfort — doing the easiest thing with the least inconvenience. Being picky with food and (increasingly) in everything in general. I was also letting curiosity get the best of me and that resulted in me wasting time, researching and falling into rabbit holes that didn’t add anything good to my life or my soul.
Gluttony. Trying not to fall into gluttony was something I never had a problem with. I always ate just enough to not feel hungry — and ate little bits here and there throughout the day — but that all changed with the Addison’s diagnosis. I’m not blaming my illness for this struggle; I simply went from one end of the eating spectrum to the other. I haven’t been able to fast due to my Addison’s. My current endocrinologist has advised me not to go more than 10 hours without food as it puts stress on the body and it already doesn’t make the sufficient cortisol necessary for it to function properly.
The doctors also had me gain a lot of weight because I was severely underweight and malnourished. That required eating a lot of food and getting used to eating a lot of stuff I normally wouldn’t. You see how this became a problem?
Sloth. Laziness and procrastination are something I’ve always struggle with due to my phlegmatic-melancholic temperament. Basically, I tend to only do things when I feel like it… unless it’s a job and/or there is a deadline. My rebellious nature also refuses to do things that I feel pressured into doing and then getting impatient or angry because I feel that pressure. This has gotten a bit better over the years but, goodness, what a struggle it’s been. As you can guess, obedience is something that I’ve had to work on.
Basically, I was, as the article states, “placing my security and self-esteem in THINGS and FEELINGS.” Who didn’t see that coming from Little Miss “I feel things deeper than most people” over here? Lol.
So, yes, I’ve been struggling with the root sin of sensuality. I know that part of this is because of my Addison’s. I shy away from anything that I think will put additional stress on my body out of the fear of it triggering an Addisonian crisis. I think it’s good to be careful and take care of myself, but — in true Emmy fashion — I’ve become too worried about it and I’ve left God out of the conversation. I wouldn’t have had an issue with this a couple of years ago but there’s something about losing my eyesight and having gone through what I’ve been through for the past 2+ years that have really emphasized my sinful nature.
I now have to figure out how to best tackle the bad habits — one at a time. I know I will have to cultivate the opposing virtue but, beyond that, I don’t know what I’ll have to do.
Of course, I’m not doing this alone. As soon as I figured things out, I left my spiritual director a voice message with my thoughts on this and asked for his help. He’s such a great, holy man that I know he’ll help me with this massive task. I think this may be part of the reason why I haven’t moved forward with my vocation discernment but only he can verify that theory.
I will also asking for the intercession of my new patrons of the year. I admittedly don’t know a lot about St. Veronica but I’m exciting to learn whatever little bit I can from her. And, Padre Pío? Whew! If memory serves me right, isn’t he one of the most powerful intercessors during exorcisms? Yeah, you don’t mess with Padre Pío. He’s already my mother’s spiritual father and I know he’ll help me like he’s helped her.
Anyway, I just wanted to share this little bit of my spiritual journey with y’all. I don’t know where this will head or how many other obstacles I will encounter along the way but I’m honestly excited to begin this new journey. To quote my forever saint crush, Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati, “Verso l’alto” — to the heights!
I hope you’re all having a lovely feast of St. Lucy!
As always, thanks for reading and God bless!
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