I’m Either Very Self-Absorbed or I’m Becoming More Self-Aware…

My personality in a single photo. Lol. 

 “My goodness, I sound bratty and self-absorbed. This is probably the most ‘Millennial’ post I’ve ever written.” — Me, reading back what I’d written yesterday.

Have I ever mentioned that priests have told me I’m too hard on myself? Because they have. More than once. More than one. That inner dialogue I had yesterday, after publishing the post, is an example of it. I’m trying to get better at it, I promise. 

I tried to figure out why I felt so strongly about “being myself” and having the freedom to do so online. I mean, it’s such a Millennial thing to do; the stereotype is there for a reason. But I had to take a step back and really see if this was coming from a place of self-absorption or from a legit place of concern. In the end, I think it’s a little bit of both, but I hope it’s more the latter than the former.

Some time ago, I came to the conclusion that the best way I can “evangelize” is to be myself and express myself authentically. I will never be able to do apologetics or sit down and explain a number of Church topics because my mind doesn’t work like that. I have a high intrapersonal intelligence followed by interpersonal and musical (I’ve done those tests, lol). I can express myself best through written word as well. But I can’t give you details and facts about anything I haven’t personally experienced or delved very deeply into. Even then, what I’ve studied for years? I can’t explain it very well. My mind doesn’t retain that sort of information. And that’s okay. There’s a reason why I didn’t become a teacher or do anything in the academic field despite me being a massive academia nerd.

I can explain simple things to people. For example, this morning I explained to my mother why annulments weren’t the same as a divorce. I can take things like this and find the simplest ways of explaining them because that is how my mind works. I try to process complicated things, figure out how they work, and then explain them in very simplified forms. This, however, won’t always do in serious conversations so I stay out of them for the most part.

No, my “strength” is in being myself and living my life as honestly as possible. That’s what I do here on this blog. I talk about what’s going on in my life. The good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful — it’s all there. That is why I was having an issue with how social media was affecting me and why I felt the need to start over and let myself breathe a little.

The best way I can think to glorify God and hopefully help His kingdom is to live my life honestly and let others see it. Not in a Truman Show / reality TV kind of way though. I don’t want to set up a YouTube account or a social media account that lets you follow my every move. I want to let my love for God inspire my words and actions and let those speak for themselves. I also know that God has given me a gift for words and a gift for understanding myself and others so that’s why I write… and why I keep this blog. That’s also why I need to be myself without the censoring I’d been doing on social media in recent years.

The thing about putting up a front and really restricting yourself is that you eventually get burnt out on trying to keep it up. I never presented myself in a way I wasn’t… but I also held back a lot because of comments and unrealistic expectations placed on me. Part of those were my own doing but not all. I had restrained my sense of humor, my “Emmy-isms” as friends have called them, because of the comments I’d received. It made me feel like I was actually hurting the Church, in a way, because I wasn’t fitting into this little mold of what a “good Catholic woman” is supposed to look like. So, y’all got me… but an “Emmy lite” version. And I didn’t like that. How was I supposed to try to show others what a joyful Catholic looks like if I wasn’t being myself?

Yes, I have gone through a lot it terms of medical and health issues but I’ve found so much beauty and even joy in it. Not in a masochistic way. I found beauty and peace in losing my eyesight. I found joy in my Addison’s disease diagnosis. I’ve been able to get through a lot with my faith intact and even grateful for it all… but, for a while, I also stopped talking about it because of the comments. 

“No one cares.” 

“You’re just looking for attention.” 

“You just want people to feel sorry for you.” 

“You’re too negative.” 

“Others go through worse. Suck it up.” 

“You’re just being selfish and egotistical…” 

Those were just some of the comments I got.

But, as I said two posts ago, all of that changed me… for the worst. Not only did it change how I was with others but it greatly affected my spiritual life in many ways. I no longer found consolation during times of great physical illnesses because I got too preoccupied about how I had to keep this to myself as to not upset or burden anyone… and that unconsciously included God. I didn’t want to pray for myself or my health because I didn’t want to be selfish. I shut everyone — again, God included — out and it made me bitter. I didn’t like it. So, when I had the epiphany of how social media had played a role in that downward trend, I wanted so much to jump ship and get back to what life was like before social media.

I still stand behind everything I wrote yesterday… but I also wanted to share these thoughts for many reasons. Not because I wanted to explain and justify myself. I wanted to share because that’s what I do. I feel strongly about wanting to share something so I do. I’m sure I still come across as being self-absorbed and bratty… but that’s just me. Warts and all. I’m simply done not expressing myself as I’d like because of fears of the judgmental comments and burdensome expectations placed on me. 

For the record: I very much have that sanguine side to my personality and I’m trying to figure out how I’m going to balance it with the Benedictine lifestyle since there’s a lot said about laughter and silence in the Holy Rule. I don’t think St. Benedict would ask me to completely extinguish that side of me but I think he’s absolutely right in asking us to be careful when it comes to that; to make sure we’re not just telling amusing jokes and stories to put attention on ourselves. Yeah… wish me luck on that. Lol. 

Anyway, just a few thoughts on the first day of autumn (“whoo!” for my tied-for-second-favorite-along-with-winter season) and the 16th anniversary of my reversion. Oh! And the feast of St. Pío of Pietrelcina (a.k.a. Padre Pío… a.k.a. My mom’s spiritual father). Since it’s Ember Friday, I’m going to try to spend my day in much needed silence… or, at the very least, trying to keep things as simple as possible in terms of entertainment. 

I hope y’all have a lovely weekend!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! 😊

How Losing My IG Account Became a Prayer Answered

 I would be lying if I said I didn’t have a mini panic attack when I found out I had lost access to my @lapetitefleurmariale Instagram account two weeks ago.

“Not Instagram, Lord! I don’t want to lose my Instagram account. I don’t care about Twitter or Facebook… but Instagram is *my* place.” Those were the words that came to mind when I first found out. 

Over the next couple of days, I kept sending Instagram “selfie videos” and other proof that it was me; that I was indeed the owner of the account. I kept getting emails from them saying that they couldn’t verify it was me. “That’s my face! Okay, maybe my face is fuller and my skin tone has become a little darker due to the medication and my Addison’s… but I haven’t changed so much that I’m unrecognizable.” Still, no dice. I thought about all I would be losing — three years worth of memories, private conversations, and the building of a community I actually enjoyed interacting with. But what I didn’t think about at the time was how this was actually the answer to several months worth of prayer… just not the way I had wanted or anticipated.

As many of you who have been keeping up with my posts know, I have been trying to figure out how to best balance my social media usage. I have grown so disillusioned with it due to the growing hostility and arguing; with the division and the misinformation. That was what I had written about on my last post. I was so overwhelmed I wanted to cry when I thought about logging in. I wanted to delete all my accounts and not look back. 

I had kept both my Twitter and Facebook accounts due to work; to promote links of things I had written. If it wasn’t for work, I would’ve shut down the accounts a long time ago. As for Instagram, it was where I could better keep track of how friends were doing. And, admittedly, I was addicted to it. Yes, I know how funny that sounds — a visually impaired gal who can’t see well enough to enjoy the reels (my bilateral optic nerve atrophy makes it almost impossible for me to see anything that’s moving) and can’t see all the details of photos having an addiction to Instagram. I could easily manage my dislike of social media if I only had IG but the rest? I wanted them gone because, as I had said in the previous post, I hated the effects they’d had on me.

In the days leading up to the “Great Instagram Loss”, I had begun a conversation with my spiritual director on the topic of social media. During the novena in honor of Our Lady’s birthday, I had asked her to help remove any obstacles that were keeping me from Christ. Social media was an obvious one… and the longer I did the novena, the more I wanted to “blow up” my accounts. Since I haven’t been able to write for EpicPew since January (the last article was posted in February) and I haven’t been able to do any work since then, I didn’t see the point in keeping my accounts any longer. Yes, it was the easiest way to keep in touch with friends but I would’ve preferred to text and do it the “hard” way. I won’t say what exactly was said between my SD and I but it became clear that I needed to pray about my actions before I did anything I could potentially regret in the future. I was speaking from a place of frustration and discomfort. 

“Will deleting my accounts be me throwing away a community God has given me? Will ‘blowing up’ my accounts and starting over be prudent? God has given me a gift for written word and I have been able to use the platforms for good. Not always — I’ve been feisty at times (when provoked) but good has come out of it. Should I maybe modify how I use it instead of deleting it all?” These were the question that kept rolling around my head. 

I had almost decided to delete both Twitter and Facebook — as I was also considering “retiring” from freelance writing — and was awaiting to hear from my SD (whom I’ve been running all big decisions through before I do anything) when I lost the IG account. “Well, that’s the answer then!” I thought to myself.  “I should do the same with the other accounts and start fresh everywhere.” I looked into ways I could ask Instagram to delete the account if I couldn’t gain access to it, so that no one could hack into it (if they already hadn’t) and do something nefarious with it. But… I didn’t want to lose my “community” and access to the accounts that have kept me spiritually nourished during some of the worst spiritual dryness. Again, I was panicking… but that lasted a few minutes.

“Let go. You’re too attached to Instagram. Let go.” These were the words that came to mind during a moment of clarity. I was too attached. It was the obstacle that needed to be removed. I need to let go. Of the addiction. Of the negativity associated with it. Of the large elephant that sat on my chest whenever I logged in. So, I did.

Because there are some really great accounts that truly do help me in my spiritual life (and even in my health recovery), I knew I didn’t want to completely abandon IG. Enter a new account… and a different way of doing things. 

My SD and I had the same thought — that it was God’s way of letting me start over (like I had wanted for the other accounts) and to do things differently; better. Instead of worrying about catering to an audience, this account would be all me. It wouldn’t be for my writing career. I wouldn’t suppress my thoughts and feelings because it didn’t go with was “expected” of me as a “professional” writer or even as a Catholic.  It would be more personal; a space where I could share my mind and heart with friends (and anyone who wanted to follow for whatever reason). I would use my nickname (Emmy) as I don’t feel like myself when someone calls me Melissa (not even family does). Most importantly, the new account would allow me to show myself as I am — as God has made me and how I am away from social media — without worrying about how others reacted. I couldn’t do it with my other account without receiving unkind comments that made me feel defensive and even gloomy. I felt like I couldn’t even share faith related content without offending, upsetting, or angering at least one person. 

The fresh start began with the username (roseatefelicity), which took me to a while to come up with because I wanted something that would reflect the me that few people get to see but who God gets to see. (Side note: I almost named it blooming felicity because I wanted a floral theme and I love the word “felicity” but ended up with “roseate felicity” because of the definitions of roseate). So far, I’ve only posted three things over the last two weeks-ish because I haven’t felt the need to actively share things. I didn’t think it would all be Catholic content — not that there’s anything wrong with it — but so far it’s been that. I think it’s because my faith is the biggest part of my life. But, as I said, this account is going to be all me so there will be non-Catholic related posts as well. 

Where am I on the Twitter and FB fronts? For now, I’m keeping them… though, admittedly, very reluctantly. This will undoubtedly be part of an ongoing conversation I’ll have with my SD. I intend to change how I use them after St. Michael’s Lent is over. I still want to “blow up” both accounts and start over but, for now, I’m going to do simple changes inspired by what I’ve learned about myself, my strengths, and my weaknesses during the last couple of weeks. I might clean up my Twitter account a bit as well so no one be surprised if some things aren’t there anymore. Perhaps one day I will delete the accounts but, for now and until God makes it clear that my professional writing days are over, I’ll stick around in a very limited capacity.

I feel like there’s so much more to unpack but I also know that the fresh start on Instagram and the upcoming changes on all other accounts are the beginning of a change that started during Lent 2021 that has yet to finish. God is slowly chiseling away and making some interior changes that will slowly show externally. 

Am I ready to let that “bubbly, optimistic, enthusiastic, curious” part of myself show once again? I think I am. Our next-door neighbor told my mom that she was surprised to hear me crack up with so much happiness a few days ago; something I’m not really known for by most people as my silly, goofy side only comes out with a very tiny amount of people. The outward happiness (felicity) that is slowly replacing the very somber, stoic facade that set in when my father passed away and my health issues got worse and I’m so very grateful for it. May God continue to bring me out of that darkness that has engulfed me over the last couple of years; that He help keep thawing that cold hardness of heart that has made me unrecognizable to those who’ve known me best and longest. 

Anyway, that’s it for now. Tomorrow marks the 16th anniversary of my reversion but since it’s also the autumnal Ember Friday, there will be no celebrating. I don’t even think I’ll post an anniversary post this year because I’m still trying to figure out how to not burn myself out or trigger a migrain when I write.

I hope you’re all doing well!

As always, thank you for reading and God bless! 😊

Overwhelmed, Overstimulated, & the Need for the Slow Life

I am overwhelmed… and I feel incredibly disoriented as a result. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t concentrate on anything, prayer included. I’ve had to take some time (but perhaps not enough) to figure out what changes need to happen because I feel like I could very easily have a mental health relapse if I don’t do anything about it soon.

 

This summer has been hectic. From the emergency surgical procedure and the month of painful wound care that followed to the stress surrounding an important process I’m currently going through (which I’ll share when I’m able to), I haven’t had a chance to breathe. Even this last week, which has forced us to slow down due to the triple digit heat we are experiencing in L.A. (“is 110 but feels 118” anyone?) has not been a restful one for me. I had my second surgical procedure last Thursday and I have to go get the sutures removed this upcoming Thursday. Add the chaos of living in a noisy apartment building, feeling pulled in so many directions by so many people and situations, being unable to sleep as well as I should, being unable to pray or even attend Mass… it’s all the perfect recipe for me to feel on the verge of tears.

Yesterday I spent the day trying to find old photos of one of my oldest and dearest friends to surprise him with for his birthday today (happy birthday, J!) and I was plunged into this sea of nostalgia. The photos brought back so many wonderful memories — of my late teens, my college years… of my pre-reversion and early reversion years. I remembered how happy I was then; how I dealt with the stress of life in a healthier way. I remembered the adjectives that were used when a counselor on campus described me and how “bubbly” is probably not a word anyone would use anymore. That made me sad.

I remembered walking across campus at Santa Monica College on rainy winter and spring days… walking to the cozy cafeteria and hanging out with friends (including J)… of how, even though I had a difficult time with my social anxiety at times, I still managed to survive and even thrive. I remembered how unapologetically “Emmy” I was back then and how I miss that.

Who was I back then? I was a girl who loved jazz. Who wore a lot of pink and red. Who loved classic Hollywood movies and had a bit of a crush on Gene Kelly. Who carried her guitar around campus to practice in between classes (or to practice during my intro to acoustic guitar class). I stayed in touch with friends at other schools (still local) via text messages in between classes and saw them when we were all free. I read… a lot. I always had music playing. I didn’t think about the stressors I do now. I was eternally optimistic. Yes, I was definitely bubbly back then as well though I’ve always been a bit reserved at times as well. I loved life and was curious to learn more. To give you an idea of my personality using the four temperament tests: I got sanguine-phlegmatic for the first couple of years I took the test.

Can I say the same now? Not really. I’m a lot older and life experience has changed me, for better or worse. I still love jazz. I still love pink but I don’t own anything of that color. I got a red shirt for my birthday this year but it’s the first thing of bright color I’ve owned for years. I still have my guitar (though a different one from the one I carried around campus) but I don’t play it as much as I would like. I don’t text as much… nor do I keep in touch as well as I could. Music is still my “love language” but it’s rarely playing these days. I’m no longer the optimist I was… and I’m definitely not bubbly anymore. I go through books quicker than most but then again I have audiobooks and a lot more free time than most. I also now test as a melancholic-phlegmatic in the four temperaments test. It’s quite the change.

I could say that the loss of my father in 2009 is responsible for a lot of that change but it’s only part of it. Looking back at my life from about 2004 to now, I can see what has been the major factor in these changes: overstimulation and a perfectionism I never had that has been made worse by hyper connectivity and how social media has changed in general.

Sure, I was on MySpace and then The Facebook (as it was called back then; you could only join if your university/college was added and needed a student email address to join) but i wasn’t on it like I am on all social media platforms now. We posted to share something quick with friends but didn’t spend so much time on them because we called and saw each other regularly. 

I didn’t have the pressure of presenting “the best version” of myself 24/7. My friends got to see me at my best and worst. In fact, when I was writing the IG birthday message for J last night, I was realizing how he was probably one of the last people who got to know me as I am without filters or restrictions. I didn’t feel the need to “perform” and be something I wasn’t. I was blissfully unaware of how others perceived me and, back then, people didn’t critique your every word and action like they do now. People were more courteous and only those who were truly rude had the audacity to say some of the things they now do without a second thought.

Social media isn’t solely to blame nor is it itself entirely bad. I met so many wonderful people that are some of my best friends now. I wouldn’t have my Catholic community if it wasn’t for early Catholic Twitter (circa 2008-2011). I wouldn’t have grown in my faith. For that I’m so grateful. But that doesn’t take away for the other stuff. I won’t get into it because I know I’ve written about it in the past.

The rapidity of the internet — the 24/7 “breaking news” cycle that never sleeps, the expectation to reply to messages ASAP, the pressure to live up to unrealistic expectations and then get dragged through the mud when you don’t live up to others’ expectations — it’s all too much for me. It makes me feel like I’m suffocating most of the time. 

And it’s not only social media that has me feeling overwhelmed. I’ve noticed that when I listen to audiobooks at anything but normal speed, I will be unable to concentrate on anything for at least the next day. Again, it’s too much overstimulation that has my already sensitive nature overwhelmed. I can’t have uptempo music playing while I’m trying to concentrate or else I will get flustered. I have to concentrate on one thing at a time; multitasking is not my friend. 

I need the slow life, but I didn’t realize just how much until last night when it all came together for me. I need to go beyond random social media breaks. I need to go beyond the normal introvert recharging. I tend to disappear for a couple of days every once in a while because I need to soothe my frazzled nerves and racing mind… but I haven’t done much of it in a while. Yes, I take breaks from social media but I don’t have periods of utter silence. I’ve been working on it and I’ve found little things that are helping but I need to make more radical changes.

I need rest. I need silence. I need exactly what the autumn season is all about… slowing down. Have I said that enough? 

In recent weeks I’ve gotten into the habit of turning off my WiFi router during the majority of the day to keep myself from browsing or wasting time on overstimulating things. Don’t get me started on how Instagram (aka TikTok lite) has become my primary source of overstimulating stress. I download the audiobooks and podcast episodes as needed. I turn on wifi for the live stream of the Masses but otherwise, I have designated times to have that internet access. 

I’m also bringing back my 2 days of social media per week. I’ll check in on Mondays and Thursdays but I’ll otherwise be off. I’m deleting the apps off my phone and tablet as I will unintentionally click on the offloaded app and then will scramble to cancel the download when I realize what I’ve done. I’m also toying with the idea of turning off comments on Instagram and Twitter and see if that helps. As a close friend recently said, I am unfortunately a magnet for criticism and hate (and I don’t know why) which I’m willing to bet has contributed to a lot of the overwhelm for this people pleaser.

Last week I purchased ear plugs to muffle out the sound of neighbors being rowdy at night so that I can get better sleep. I hate the sound of my own heartbeat in my ears (due to my PTSD from medical emergencies) but it’s something I’ll work on. I also love my noise-cancelling headphones but sometimes I just need quiet.

 The library sent me about half a dozen books I was waiting weeks (and even months) for between yesterday and today, something I’m sure is the Holy Spirit nudging me to follow through with my plans to slow down. Nothing will slow me down like a good book, especially since I can only do that (read a book) and not split my attention with anything else. 

As soon as the weather cools down, I’m bringing back my tea drinking (something I used to do a lot of back in the day but haven’t done in years). The day I can cuddle up with a good book, a cup of tea, and have the rain pounding on my roof will be my day of bliss.

I’m also eagerly awaiting the drop in temps so I can finally make it to Mass in person instead of only watching it on a screen. Since our parish holds its Masses outside and I have that heat sensitivity (I get physically sick in anything over 80 degrees) I’ve been waiting. Yes, there are also parishes that have Masses inside but I don’t currently have the financial means to pay for transportation that won’t keep me out in the heat, waiting for my ride to pick me up, for long periods of time. I have medical transportation that gets me to and from my doctors appointments but they don’t cover anything that isn’t medical so I wait. Please, God, bring the lower temps back!

I’m sure I’ll make more plans as these new changes become habit and I find other things that I need to change but that is it for now. 

Will I ever get that bubbly, optistismic girl back? I don’t know. I‘ve been through a lot but I don’t think it’s impossible for me to revert back to that. If that’s how I grew up and was for most of my life, I’m sure it’s still in there, somewhere. I’m not placing any goals or expectations on myself. I’m just going to do what I think is best for me and see how that changes everything else.

Alright, I think that’s long enough for now, don’t you think? Lol.

I hope y’all are having a good beginning of the week. I don’t know when I’ll blog again but I hope it’ll be more frequent as life slows down.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! 😊