Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Dear God, Please Help Me... I'm Drowning.

Dear God,

Please help me... I'm drowning.

I've overwhelmed with school. No matter how many days and hours I study, no matter how well I prepare, I come up short. Sometimes it's because so many things come up at once -- things out of m control -- that I don't have enough time to study. Sometimes it's because my mental fog is so intense that I can't remember what I've studied. It will take a miracle for me to pass two of my classes at this point in time.

Please help me... I'm drowning.

My body is broken and it keeps breaking down even more. On Monday I was told that I was anemic once again. Slightly anemic, but anemic nonetheless. I know what caused it. I know what I need to get my red blood count back to normal. They told me to do an iron I.V. but what they didn't tell me were how serious the side effects were until they pushed me to agree to it. Then the doctor said, "Oh, you may have an anaphylaxic reaction." After she said there were no side effects. She wouldn't even let me consider the option to take iron pills like I had in the past. Other opinions say I should be fine with oral iron pills since my numbers are not low enough for concern. I don't know what to do.

Please help me... I'm drowning.

My platelets plummeted again to the second lowest I've ever had them. I was told they need to do a bone marrow biopsy which I was able to push off until after finals were done. It's going to hurt. I'm going to be in a lot of pain. I hope it will bring answers to why my platelets have been dropping over the last couple of years, and especially the last couple of months.

Please help me... I'm drowning.

My faith has taken another beating lately. Just when I think I'm okay, something happens and an intense inner battle begins. I don't know what to do to make it better. I try to go to Mass and then something happens, preventing me from going for weeks at a time. Physical pain. Chronic fatigue that makes it hard for me to even stay seated at times. Extreme physical and mental exhaustion that makes it unsafe for me to drive. The stress-related anxiety that makes me so lightheaded that, again, makes it unsafe for me to drive. No one to drive me to Mass. The longer I go without confession and Mass, the harder it is for me to fight the darkness that keeps threatening me.

Please help me... I'm drowning.

I feel restless and stuck...

I'm impatient and angry...

I'm weak and in desperate need of help that I don't see coming my way...

I trust in You but some days it's hard to feel that way when I have so many other things going wrong. On Monday I even wondered if my faith was strong enough to withstand everything that's been thrown my way this month. I know that's a rash thing to think in a moment of weakness but I don't think I ever felt as low as I did in that moment.

It's not that I don't trust You; it's that my human emotions can overwhelm me. It's my sensitive nature; it's what I've been fighting to overcome in recent months... and it's a Rosary novena intention I've been praying for the past 22 days. Thankfully, I know the moments will pass. I know that once I get it out of my system and cry to release those emotions, I will realize that I do trust You. I'm just a weak human being.

I know that in my weakness You make me strong. I know that in the darkness, You are there with me. I know that even when I feel unworthy and undeserving of Your love, You still love me.

I have no doubt that You put the verse Matthew 6:25 into my mind when I spent some time in front of the tabernacle, praying and sitting in silence. I was praying the Chaplet of Divine Mercy -- during that 3 o'clock hour -- and the phrase "Matthew 6:25" popped into my head as clear as day. I couldn't remember what verse that was so I looked it up...

"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life..."

I got the message loud and clear... but I still need help because I still have moments where I feel like I'm drowning... and there's no one else to help me.

Your will be done. I say it every time I get overwhelmed with school. I repeat it to myself every time I feel like quitting (especially after yet another academic set back) but I continue listening to the lecture videos and/or doing the assigned work because I feel like it's Your will and there's nothing more that I want than to do just that; do Your will, not mine.

On this day, the 19th anniversary of my confirmation, I ask for one gift from You: to send me help.

Whether it be in the form of a peer support system...

Whether it be in the form of charitable prayers from those who feel moved to say a prayer for me...

Whether it be from a priest or someone who can help guide me and help me regain my spiritual health...

Whether it be an inner peace that can only come from You, I ask for a little help.

I want a little fresh air to fill my lungs after feeling like I've been underwater for so long.

I know You will hear my plea and that, in Your mercy, You will do what I need. I will keep my eyes and my heart open for that moment.

2 comments:

PaxEtBonum said...

You are going through very challenging times. Prayers on your way. <3

Emmy Cecilia said...

Thank you!