16-Bit Catholic Podcast Interview

My buddy Dustin interviewed me for his 16-Bit Catholic podcast a couple of days ago and it is now up for y'all to listen to. I was incredibly nervous and awkward (as I am at first when I meet people) but it was a fun experience. I talked about attending a CINO college as well as football (soccer) -- which I am actually going to blog about soon because I'm a huge footy fan. :D Anyway, I'm a writer and I like to think long and hard about what I'll write and I'm not much of a talker.... so please be kind. lol.

Anywho, I'm going to go enjoy the rest of the day. Happy Mothers Day to all the mamas out there, and especially my incredible mamas -- my mom and Mama Mary. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

The Remedy: the Rosary, Chaplet of the Divine Mercy & Confession

This blog post is a little late but it's going up. Trying not to break the chain. :) Also, picture from LOLSaints. :D

I just returned home from confession and it was just what I needed. We got there half an hour before confessions started (as I'd been told that they would be half an hour early today) and when mom and I noticed that our spiritual director wasn't going to make it on time, I started praying the Rosary. I started feeling a bit of the anger I've been feeling the past couple of days being lifted off of my shoulders as I prayed the Joyful Mysteries. Once I was done, and saw that Fr. Prado wasn't going to be there anytime soon, I went ahead and prayed the Chaplet of the Divine Mercy. By the end of it, I felt as if most of the negative feelings I'd felt had disappeared.

A visiting priest (whose name I, unfortunately, didn't catch) ended up being the only one who heard confessions so I made my confession with him. The words he told me in the confessional did away with whatever bad feelings I had left. I cried for the first time (well, first time in the confessional) in a long time and I came out feeling like my old self. It was wonderful and I am so grateful that we have this Sacrament because sometimes it's what you need to get you back to where you're supposed to be. I am now looking forward to attending Mass this coming week... and also about praying again.

Lesson learned: when feeling despair and detached, the best remedy is to pray the Rosary, the Chaplet of the Divine Mercy, and have a good, honest (I'm talking a hold-nothing-back) confession. Thank you, God!

Anyway, it's a short post today as I'm feeling a bit of writer's block... and today is my last day of Netflix and I'm trying to get through an entire show (which only has three season) before midnight. ;)

I hope y'all have a wonderful weekend!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Confession: I'm Angry.

I thought a picture of Mr. Darcy unhappy really suited this post.

Ready for another confession? I've been feeling very upset and detached the last couple of days... and I have no idea why. Well, I have a theory but I don't know if this is the cause for why it's hard for me to do things. See, I've realized that I get this way shortly after something major happens and I wonder if I get in this really bad funk because I am going through these milestones without my dad with me.

I was fine up until yesterday when "everything that could go wrong" has gone wrong. I think the excitement of graduation has worn off and it's been replaced with many things (feelings) that were out of my mind until recently since I now have time to actually think about them. I'm stressed about finding a job because we're currently a one income family and it's hard on us. I haven't been attending daily Mass though I now have the time. I haven't really been praying though I should. I try but it's almost like I'm forcing myself to and that gets me upset. I've been feeling really upset about several things as well. The littlest things annoy the heck out of me... and this is really out of character for me. But, like I said, I've noticed that this usually happens around major milestones -- birthdays, (now) graduation, anniversaries, etc. I never had this problem until my dad passed away... and really, not this bad (ever) so that is why I'm thinking that this is the cause.

I don't think I'll ever get past being upset that my dad passed away so soon. I still blame the doctor he had for his rapid decline. Seriously, something really fishy happened and we got no answers. Every birthday I've had since he passed away has been hard. His birthdays are hard and I'm in a funk the day before, of, and after. The day of his death (3 years on July 11th though it doesn't feel that long), I just want to be left alone and not talk to anyone. I grew up either bottling up emotions or getting them out through writing since I didn't have anyone to talk to so I mostly write and vent this way. This is sort of how I've been feeling lately.

I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to do anything. I just want to sit in my room, listen to music, and read. As I said, it started yesterday and it usually lasts anywhere between two to three days so I hope it is out of my system by tomorrow... but it's still hard. Of course I'll go to confession tomorrow and talk to my spiritual adviser (who is also my mom's first spiritual adviser -- that bit makes me feel so proud of her) because I feel completely closed off.

The day of my graduation I felt like crying... all day long. I kept clutching the locket that contained my dad's picture. It was his biggest dream to see me graduate and for him to not be there just seemed to be very unfair. He used to drive me to Santa Monica College my freshman year of college because that it where I wanted to go. We would spend an average of 2 hours trying to get there (despite not living too far) and another two trying to get get back home and he never complained because he knew that that was what I wanted. This was at a time when my anxiety was so bad that we never knew if I'd last too long in the classroom. Up until the April before he passed away, he used to drive me to my classes and would actually wait for me, in the car, until I was ready to go home. It was a lot of sacrificing on his part. I guess I'm just angry that he wasn't able to be there, next to my mom, and see me walk across the stage. He didn't get to see his hard work pay off nor did I get a chance to personally thank him for everything he did for me. I couldn't hug and kiss him and tell him how grateful I was and am. All that goes through my mind is, "it's not fair."

I'm actually crying as I type this out but it's good; I'm getting it all out of my system. I don't like feeling angry or detached. In a weird way, I feel like it's not who I am and that makes me unhappy. Like I said earlier, these feelings that I'm experiencing are quite out of character for me. I don't normally get this mad and when I do get mad, I can usually get over it in a couple of minutes. I tend to let go of the negative feelings pretty quickly but it's been hard these past two days.

Anyway, just wanted to get it out. It's unhealthy to keep emotions bottled up. See? I'm not all rainbows and sunshine all the time... though I do laugh when I hear it because I'm usually pretty mellow and/or silly. Perhaps it's time that I spent some time in prayer, asking for St. Jerome's intercession. Yes, he's who you ask when you have an anger problem/issue. Although mine might seem mild to others on the outside, it's really distressing and distracting me.

I hope y'all are doing well. Oh, and if you have anything I can offer up my anger for, please let me know. I might as well use it for good. :)

That's it for now. As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

I Have a Confession to Make; Challenge Week.

I have a confession to make. I haven't been writing because I've had serious writer's block. It's not just blogging but writing in general. I think I got so burnt out this semester (a 53 page Thesis in addition to all the other papers and take home exams) that I will prefer to play a game, read, listen to music, and watch movies instead of writing. Also, there is the issue of my not wanting to write some crummy stuff that have kept me from posting the many blog entries I've started but have not finished.

I want to finish my novel this summer and look into self-publishing it. It's been on hold for so long because of school that I sometimes forget that it's not done. I also want to blog daily if I can but it's starting to feel more like a chore than something for myself. I feel like people expect these really killer posts, something that will make an impact, and that puts a lot of pressure on me. As stated before, this blog is really like my own personal journal... that I just happen to share with hundreds of people. I don't write everything but I write what I feel like sharing. Sometimes people expect me to write some groundbreaking story happening in the Catholic world and are disappointed with my ramblings. Again (I often have to write this for a reason), I started this blog as a way to hold myself accountable for the progress I am making as a Catholic. I still have my ups and downs (like I'm currently struggling getting up in the mornings to go to daily Mass) and that is what I want to write about. I have gotten a taste of writing more academic things (such as my Thesis... which I hope to make available - at least part of it - as soon as I get the okay) and I like doing that but this blog is for a completely different purpose.

I was watching one of my favorite Youtubers, Charlie McDonnell, talking about his mid-life crisis week project and I was inspired to do the same. Here is the video so you can watch it for yourself:

A lot of what he said was exactly how I felt and I saw his week worth of videos and it seems like a good idea. So, borrowing the idea from Charlie, I have decided to blog every day for a week. If I feel truly stumped (as in, the well of ideas feels dry) I will write just a little paragraph. I think I may even have to dive into some (normally) off-limits topics if I'm desperate enough. lol.

Anyway, just letting you guys know ahead of time. It's no longer about writing what I feel pressured writing but once again writing for myself and sharing the content with the world. If you want something that is updated more frequently and/or is a little more visual and sillier, feel free to check out my twitter or tumblr. Okay then... let's do this!

I hope y'all are having a great week thus far. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.

I'm Officially a College Graduate.

Yesterday was my graduation ceremony... and it was a completely bittersweet experience. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond thrilled that I am done at the CINO college! I mean, I will be as soon as I get my Thesis back to do the editing. No, I still haven't gotten it back... but neither have ANY of the Religious Studies majors (there were a total of five of us yesterday, though only three showed up). 

The only regret-like feelings I have about my time at that school is not spending more time with the girls who have become good friends over the last two years. I won't get to see them at least twice a week anymore. Grad School and/or work will have everyone busy so seeing them won't be as easy. I've already made it a goal to have lunch with them (either together or individually) at least once a month while we still can. I don't know where I'll end up going to Grad School (at this point it's looking like I'm most likely heading out of state next year) so I'm going to try to see them while we all have a chance. Besides this, and not spending my time studying (I truly am an academic nerd), there is nothing I will miss about attending this school.

I will not miss the 4-6 a.m. wake up times just to get to class on time. I will not miss the hour to three hour commute to and from the campus despite living a couple of miles away. If you live in L.A., you know what a pain the 405 is in the morning... and most of the day. I won't miss the dirty looks from professors. I won't miss the mud slinging the professors do at the Church,  the Pope, and priests. I won't miss feeling angry, nauseous, and/or sad whenever my classmates and/or professors try to pass some liberal theology off as "Catholic" when it's clearly against Church teachings.

While waiting in line, before we walked into the amphitheater (yes, the school had to rent out an amphitheater to fit us and our families in... and even then it was packed), I met and spoke to a fellow Religious Studies grad. She was not part of the traditional B.A. program so that is why I hadn't met her before. I spent a good hour talking about our experience as a Religious Studies major... and it was quite similar. She did not appreciate what we were "taught" and was anxious to get out. She had professors whose theology was off and while she knew what the true Church teaching were, she was still "wrong" because she was the student and the professor was superior in knowledge to her. She also couldn't get a hold of her Thesis adviser and had to do editing over the summer despite finishing early. Sound familiar? One thing she said has (and will remain) stuck in me: despite our negative experiences, our love of God and our faith has strengthened and there's no "going back." She's a bit older than I am (with grown kids) so she was lamenting on how my generation views religion and spirituality. I told her about my Thesis and how there are some of us who are trying to combat it... and this just invigorated my desire to keep going forward.

I still don't know how I'm going to do it but I know that God has given me a gift that I can use to help others. God has blessed me with love and patience to spare as well as the ability to speak to those who are younger and make them understand certain things. Though I don't think a traditional classroom setting is right for me (my heart nor my mind are in it), I know that working with young adults, teenagers, and kids is where my gifts will be best used. I've often told God, especially when I'm kneeling in front of the tabernacle, that everything I do is and will be done for Him and not for myself. Now that I'm officially out of school, it's time to really show that.

Beyond walking into the graduation ceremony, having my name called (and turning bright red and hurrying off the stage as quickly as I could; I am not big on having attention on myself), and leaving early, the ceremony was a blur. I remembered holding my locket (in which I placed a picture of my dad) and saying "I promised you I would finish, and I did." I remember talking to my friends before we went in. I remember seeing my family and friends afterwards. I also remember getting hugged by my music professor (seriously) as she walked in with the rest of the professors. Beyond that, all I could think of was how excited I was and how grateful I was to God for everything I'd endured and for getting to that point.

I don't know what the future holds, what my first job out of college will be, or where I will be in a year's time, but I have full faith in God and know He will point me in the right direction. For the first time in my life, I don't have a plan for the future (well, besides hopefully starting Grad School next year) and I'm okay with that.

Anyway, that's it for now. I'm going to try to post daily now that I have the time to actually write.

A massive THANK YOU to each and every one of you who prayed for me throughout my journey through the CINO college. I appreciate it more than you know.

I hope you are all having a great start of week and will have a great rest of week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D