The Big Bullseye On My Back

Have I ever told you guys that a very well-known apologist once told me that I have a giant bullseye on my back? True story. I won't get into specific detail but this came up when he asked me what I did for a living. I told him I wrote for Catholic publications and was a published author. Digging a bit deeper, I told him that I started writing young adult/new adult novels because I was sick and tired of the smut contained in the novels aimed for these demographics.

His response? "You have a giant bullseye on your back. The devil is going to keep attacking you because you're doing something that undermines what he's trying to do." (By the way, I'm paraphrasing him since I'm terrible at word-for-word recollections.) Add the fact that I attend solely Latin Masses (and the devil hates Latin, be-tee-dubs) and, well, I am a walking bullseye for spiritual attacks. I'm sure the devil loves it when I can't attend Mass for that same reason.

As many of you long-time readers know, the third novel has been one neverending roller coaster ride. I started it during the summer of 2017 and have had to put it on the backburner for months at a time because things always come up. Not only that, something always happens when I write. If I work on the novel one night, something will go wrong the next day... almost without fail. That's partially what led this apologist to say these words to me.

I had planned on publishing the novel in December but that obviously didn't happen. Then I aimed for Valentine's Day. Nope, that didn't happen either. Every time I try to finish editing it to publish it -- or get feedback on it -- nothing ever happens because of x, y, and z.

This Lent, I want to really work on this thing and get it done. My hope is to have the novel published shortly after Easter Sunday. I know what happens every time I attempt to move forward but I cannot live in fear. I need to read/pray Psalm 91 (or Psalm 90 if you're a fellow Douay-Rheims Bible reader) and keep the holy water near. If things happen, they happen. As the apologist suggested, I need to frequent the sacraments and ignore whatever gets thrown my way. I cannot be afraid of suffering a little, especially since I've felt pulled to write/publish this novel for nearly 2 years now. I don't think  the novel is anything special or extraordinary but, golly, someone/something does not want me to finish it for whatever reason.

Why share this today? Because Fridays are my busy writing day today. I usually have my EpicPew articles due today and I sometimes also have other freelance work due today. I've already submitted my EP article (hint: it combines pop culture, cinema, and deadly sins) and now I have the rest of tonight and/or all of tomorrow to work on the novel.

Say a prayer for me. If I usually get these obstacles thrown my way during Ordinary Time, I can't even imagine what things may be like during Lent.

That's all I'm sharing today. It's getting late and I still haven't had dinner... and it's Compline time, so, you know, I need to go do both of those things.

I hope y'all were able to get some Friday Lenten traditions (e.g. Stations of the Cross) done today! I had a full day with lots of driving so I'm hoping to do that next Friday. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

The Perfect Storm That Did Me In

Take one burnt-out writer constantly battling writer's block, add lack of vitamin D (and add a couple of cold winter storms for good measure), then add a giant helping of people being a little too dramatic and suffocating on social media. Mix it all together and you get someone who is so overwhelmed, she has to take nearly a month to recover... and she's not fully there yet.

Yes, this is what happened to me. No, I have not fully recovered from the burnout, yet.

It's not easy being a freelance writer, especially when you have to come up with new material every two to three days. I've felt burnt out since late December when I had one of my busiest months. It's still taking me a lot of brainstorming to come up with new article topics -- and then more time to research for each post -- but I'm slowly coming out of the writer's block fog that I've been battling for weeks.

As some of you long-time readers may remember, I was diagnosed with a severe vitamin-D deficiency mid-summer last year. That was the reason why I was so tired all the time. After getting outdoors and getting more sun, I started to recover. I wasn't oversleeping anymore. All the little symptoms associated with the deficiency started going away. I was feeling more like myself... and then the lack of sun knocked me back down.

For years I'd noticed that every winter I'd get more and more fatigued. I had simply assumed it was the cold weather lulling me to sleep. It was as if I were a bear and my body just wanted to hibernate all winter long. That or SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). Now, with the diagnosis, I finally know why; my body just needs more of the vitamin than it gets.

We've been hit with rainstorm after rainstorm in Southern California since the New Year so guess who's been feeling more lethargic lately. Yep. Symptoms include fatigue, lack of concentration, and mental fog -- all which impeded my creativity and impacted my work. Cue the "Ohhh!" chorus.

The doctors said it was going to take a couple of months for me to recover from the deficiency and, unfortunately, I didn't have enough time to fully recover. Thankfully, it's nowhere near as bad as it was last year or the year before. If I know there will be a couple of hours or a day between rainstorms, I get out and I soak up as much vitamin-D as I can before the next storm hits. It's helped a lot... but the storms are getting more frequent and lasting longer so I'm dealing with some symptoms again. Can Spring (my favorite season) hurry up and get here already? Please and thank you!

Last, but not least, I was feeling overwhelmed with social media. I was already feeling physically tired but the drama on social media pushed me beyond my limits. I honestly felt like crying every time I logged in to an account and saw the notifications along with how many messages I had to attend to.

The content of the messages wasn't helping. That's not to say all messages were bad; they weren't. There was just so much bickering, so many complaints, so much gossip and badmouthing and other things that just drained me outweighing the good. It got so bad that I even had to ask my closest friends to give me a breather; no texts or messages on any kind. I needed a full-on technology break. It didn't last long -- just 2-3 days because of work -- but you'd be surprised at how much those screen-detox days helped.

During those days, I would completely shut down my phone. I wouldn't touch my laptop. If I had work to do (and I always do), I'd write down the bulk of what I was going to submit. If it was a deadline day, I'd only get on my laptop long enough to write it out and send it to my editors. Sure, it meant "wasting" more time writing and rewriting but it was worth my sanity staying intact.

That is why it took me nearly a month (3 more days to a full month) to write another blog post. That is why so many tweets and messages went (and have still gone) unanswered.

I'm going to be honest with y'all (and I hope this is a gentle reminder to those who've known me for years): I hate drama of all types. I hate gossip. I absolutely loathe people who message me solely to badmouth someone else. It drains me. Yes, we all need to vent and get stuff out of our systems, but this sort of things emotionally drains me. In person, I usually change the topic as soon as someone starts down this path but it's somehow more difficult through technological means.

What's worse was that I hadn't noticed how this was affecting how I interacted with people until I hit that wall. It was like I would absorb people's negativity, ruining my day and getting me in super cranky mood as a result of it. I was a lot more impatient with everyone, including myself. I would find myself complaining more, which I dislike intensely. I hated the way it had altered the way I thought and acted. Sure, you can say that it was just the perfect storm that did me in and that it was no wonder I was acting the way I was but, really, I don't want that to be an excuse. I should've known better.

A little over two and a half weeks ago, I attended a silent retreat at my parish and it was sheer bliss. I shut off my phone. I listened to the talks and took a copious amount of notes which I still re-read; the talks were so good! I only had to worry about writing down all the excellent content while the priest gave the talks and then focus on prayer during Mass, adoration, and the recitation of the Rosary by all the women (it was an all women's retreat) that attended the retreat.

The retreat and the overload of information from social media inspired me to make some changes in my life; changes I've already begun rolling out in small doses and will fully implement during the Lenten season. Just what they are... well, you'll have to stay tuned for the next blog post since I don't want to make this one longer than it already is.

I want to wrap up this blog post by saying that even though all of this pushed me beyond my limits, I'm grateful for it. It helped remind me that there are things more important things -- such as health (physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual -- that need to be taken care of. Self-care isn't selfish and if one needs to do take a couple of days (or a couple of hours) just to sit in silence to recharge, that's perfectly fine.

I'm grateful that God reminded me to take an inventory of my priorities and challenged me to make some hard (but important) decisions in order to place my priorities in the right order.

I'm grateful to have been reminded of who I am and who I'm not; of what I value and what makes me uncomfortable. It may not suit others but that's okay. I need to do what is right for me... as long as it doesn't cause any harm or trouble for anyone else.

I'm grateful to have a new plan (well, plans; one for each situation) of action to help me recover from the burnout. As I said, I'll share these in the next blog post.

I thank God for the gift of my routine prayer life that helped keep me sane. I would retreat to a quiet spot in my apartment to pray the Liturgy of the Hours (every 3 hours while I was awake) and/or the Rosary, bringing a much-needed peaceful respite during an otherwise chaotic day.

If you feel burnt out, find out why and do what you need to do. Forget about the FOMO; it's not worth putting your health at risk.

Alright, that's it for now. I'm going to go enjoy the rest of "Fantaisie-impromptu in C-Sharp Minor, Op. 66" by Frederic Chopin before I have to go to do something else.

I hope y'all have had a lovely week thus far.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Merry Christmas, Everyone! Happy 11th Anniversary, Blog!

"And the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among us, (and we saw his glory, the glory as it were of the only begotten of the Father,) full of grace and truth." (John 1:14) 

Merry Christmas, everyone! I hope you've all had (and are still having) a lovely day full of happiness, joy, laughter, and love. 

My mom had the rare Christmas Eve and Christmas Day off from work so we went to Midnight Mass last night. It was our first ever Christmas Midnight Mass (or Midnight Mass, period) and we fell in love with the Latin Mass all over again. It was a High Candlelit Mass and it was the most beautiful and reverent Mass I've ever had the blessing to witness. If ever I needed anything to breathe new life into my spiritual life, this was it. I was already planning on stepping up my Mass attendance to at least 2-3 times a week but now I'm downright giddy with anticipation about the next time I can attend daily Mass at my parish.

Today also marks the 11th (!!!) anniversary of this blog! I know I went M.I.A. for a month but I had a good reason. Basically, I was burnt out. I've been busy with work while running on empty from social media overload. I needed a break from everything and the last 10 days of Advent seemed like the perfect time to take that break. Thankfully, I also got a break from work this week so I'll be able to de-stress even more. Cue a self-care montage of me watching movies, reading books, drinking tea, baking, and silly dancing around my apartment for the rest of the week. lol.

To be completely honest, I was also unsure if I was going to continue this blog. It seems like almost no one reads blogs anymore. After some soul searching, I decided to keep my blog... and severely cut back on my social media usage. The break from writing and social media showed me that I truly missed blogging and that social media brings out the worst in me. Yes, it's wonderful for catching up with friends and all but I saw a very vain, proud, and angry side of me coming out lately and I hated it. I didn't feel like myself. I wasn't sure what was triggering it... until I completely cut social media out of my life. Not only do I feel like myself again, but those horrible traits -- especially anger -- also seem to have virtually disappeared. There is peace in my life and I feel happier and less stressed. I'll keep my accounts to catch up with those who choose to contact me through them and to post newly published articles but I'm done using it as I had for the past couple of years.

I also decided that I'm going to change the format of my posts. They'll be a lot more like the ones I posted when I first started this blog 11 years ago. If you weren't around that long ago, you'll see what I mean. ;)

Anyway, this is just a little update for y'all. 

Yes, the winners of the Magnificat Advent app were notified and given their codes before Advent, even if I didn't post it on here. 

Yes, we were able to do the 54-day Rosary novena (thanks, everyone!), even if I had to schedule the tweets and FB page posts for the last couple of days while I was on a social media break. :) 

Yes, I will be returning to blogging more often... God willing. 

Again, I hope you are all having a wonderful day and that you continue to have a lovely Christmastide season. For those of us who celebrate through February 2nd (Candlemas), let's do this! ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Surprise! I'm A New Contributing Writer For...

Gather 'round, everyone. It's story time! (side note: Yes, I promise this will all lead to me telling you where my new writing gig is along with the link to my first article for them.)

Once upon a time, in the not-so-magical land of Los Angeles, CA, lived a young woman named Melissa (nicknamed Emmy by all who knew her). From a young age, Emmy loved writing. She loved it so much, her best friend growing up gave her the gift of more notebooks and pens (which she quickly went through) for every birthday. This was her gift until the age of 18 when her best friend -- the person she knew from the age of 5 -- moved away.

As she grew up, Emmy wondered what career path to take. She dabbled in the arts of drawing, of acting, and of music. She changed her major several times before settling on Religious Studies. Why did she pick Religious Studies? Because her heart was on fire for the Lord. She wanted to teach others about the faith she'd fallen deeply in love with. A degree in Religious Studies would open up options for this -- either teaching or doing something else. Also, Creative Writing was a harder field to break into; less stable.

Anyway, she could still write. She had started a blog on Christmas Day 2007 and had kept it up for many years. Before she even graduated, she had been published in Envoy Magazine twice. When she graduated, she began freelance writing but it was grunt work. She was paid literal pennies per word. Sure, she also got a sweet contributing writing gig for H&R Block's (now defunct) Block Talk blog but once that gig ended, ghostwriting dried up, and she found herself low on options with a student loan debt to pay off.

She felt called to write... but the field was not so kind to her. Deflated and feeling defeated, she thought it was a sign to abandon her dream as a writer. She applied (and was accepted) to a program for a second Bachelor's degree to become a speech-language pathologist. She put all her efforts into it, leaving a writing career that barely paid.

For the next 3.5 years, she tried to finish both the second Bachelor's degree and a Master's degree in  Biblical Theology. During this time, her health began to fail. The further she got into the second Bachelor's degree, the sicker she got. She took a break and tried a Master's in the topic that felt like home to her. A terrible accident and a decline in health following it forced her to take another break. With a mountain of student loans still looming -- as well as other familial financial responsibilities she chose to take on -- she decided to finish the second Bachelor's degree once more. She knew she had to be less gung-ho. She finished enough courses to get her license as an SLPA (speech assistant) but her heart was not in it and her savings were zilch (thus not allowing her to pay the $4-6k to get the  SLPA license).

She decided to give up on her own plans and let God completely take over. "Jesus, I trust in You. I will do what You want me to do" became her new motto. Facing the now crazy mountain of ($46+k) student loans (all of which she knew she could pay with an SLPA job; that's why she kept going), she stressed about how she would be able to pay it off. Providentially, for weeks before she gave up on the SLPA goal, St. Francis de Sales (patron saint of writers) kept popping into her life. She wondered if it meant she would be better of giving her writing career a second chance. It was when she decided to give up the SLPA goal that her lovely friend, Theresa, told her about an opportunity to write for a Catholic website Emmy often read. "What? Writing for EpicPew?! Sign me up!" Thus, Emmy's writing career was once again revived.

Now, she didn't actually get paid for a couple of weeks while she was on trial but she didn't care. She was writing once again! It was something she loved and something she felt guilty about letting go. Deep down, she always felt like it was what God might've been calling her to do but it was fear that kept her from pursuing it. Fear... and lack of trust. After stubbornly doing things her way, she let go and let Divine Providence take over. "Alright, God," she often said, "if you want me to do this, I will."

She loved writing for EpicPew. She let her inner Catholicism nerd run free. She also called on the Holy Spirit to enlighten her mind when she felt writer's block would keep from meeting her weekly deadline. Some articles her hits (and how!) and some were misses. It was all par for the course.

Then, one week, disaster struck. She couldn't think of anything to write! She had a looming deadline and nothing to write. Sure, she had back-up topics on reserve but they weren't what she normally wrote about. Still, she felt a tug to use one of them -- on Catholic pick-up lines -- to write that week. Trusting it was a nudge from the Holy Spirit and fresh out of new ideas, she went with it... and she quickly saw that she'd made the right decision.

The article blew up in a way no other previous article had! She was surprised -- most of her previous articles had a more serious tone to them. This article, which allowed her to explore her more fun side, was shared by Catholic publications she often read. She was humbled and in awe. "Okay, Holy Spirit! Thank you for that!" Still, a surprise lay ahead for her.

A few days after the article hit, she was offered a new writing gig as a contributing writer for a new Catholic dating website called CatholicChemistry. The pick-up lines article was just what the creator of the site was looking for. Would she be interested in writing for them? Sure!

She kept the news to herself (and a handful of friends). Then, on August 22nd, 2018, her first article with CatholicChemistry (5 Relationship Discernment Novenas) was published and she was finally able to share her news with the world!

What does this mean for the heroine of this story? Only God knows. All Emmy knows is that God continues to supply her with more writing work, making it clear that He wants her to continue down this writing path. There are, of course, more articles that have been and will be written for EpicPew, CatholicChemistry, Verily Magazine, and other places. She will share them on social media and on her blog. She will continue to write until God calls her to do something else. In the meantime, she hopes to help people grow a little more in their faith and/or vocation by what she writes...

This story has no end as it's still being written. Stay tuned... ;)

So Much News! So Many Prayers Answered!

Hey! Long time no see, huh? Honestly, I've been wanting to share a lot of this stuff for at least a week but I needed confirmations and "done deals" before I could say anything.

Do you know how hard it is to keep the good news to yourself? SO difficult, my friends. I did let some people know ahead of time and those closest to me knew what was going on as things happened but I wanted to wait before I publicly talked about this. Intrigued yet? lol.

First, let me say, happy (belated) feast of my beloved Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati. *insert fangirl squeals, confetti, noisemakers, and cake* The reason why I bring him up is that all of this happened either during the annual feast day novena (June 25 - July 3). I do it every year but this year... well, you'll see... ;)

The first big news is that I am officially a contributing writer for Verily Magazine. Do some of you remember how I asked for prayers (via Twitter) about a dream writing opportunity that came up a few weeks ago? It was for Verily. They're restructuring the magazine, adding new content, new writers, etc. and they were looking for new writers. I submitted three possible topics and they accepted two of them!

I don't know if I'll write for them beyond the two articles but it's a good start! This is my dream writing gig because I've been a regular Verily reader since the beginning so I hope it's the start of more work for them.

As much as I love writing for Catholic publications, it's hard to find writing work in this particular field/topic. There are so many great apologists and writers who are more established and, well, better writers than I am, so getting paid for writing gigs in the Catholic world is hard. If it wasn't for my friend (and fellow epicPew writer) Theresa, I wouldn't even have my EP writing gig.

I've been praying for more writing work because, as y'all know, Mom and I have been in a financially difficult situation for months. This was one of the two novena intentions I had for this year's Bl. Pier Giorgio novena; more work (because I actually like to work) that I can do with other pending responsibilities and things that keep me at home.

There is something else that also happened but it's something that's going to stay within the family. All I have to say is this is a major on-going thing that we've been praying about and it looks like we've finally gotten answers! Thanks be to God!

So, all of this happened either during or immediately after Bl. PGF's novena so... guess who gets the credit for his intercession. Someone canonize him STAT! lol. Seriously, though, I know he -- and Mama Mary and so many other saints -- interceded for me. I'm just giving him credit because of the timing and the novena intentions.

Thank you ALL for your prayers. It wasn't just Bl. PGF and my heavenly pals. It was a collective prayer effort and I'm eternally grateful to all of you who've never ceased praying for me. May this be the light at the end of the tunnel for some major issues and a heavy Cross I've been carrying for quite some time. Cue the tears! lol. All of this has been really difficult for me... so much more than I've been able to express. I know that everyone praying for me has helped lighten the load.

I also know that all of this has been for my own good. I've learned to take better care of myself. I've learned to trust God. It's helped cure me of some of my worst scrupulous ideas. I'm sure some of it has been penance for some dumb things I've done (which I fully get and accept).

That's it for now. I've shared what I can. There may be more news I haven't even hinted about coming up but we shall see what happens. Y'all know by now that I know until I'm absolutely sure before I share anything. lol. ;)

Anyway, I hope you're all having a lovely week thus far and that you have a cool weekend... and I say "cool" in the "not melting" sense because it's going to be a scorcher across the States and many other countries.

As always, thank you for reading and God bless. :D

Benedictine Oblate and Third Novel News

Hear ye, hear ye! The news express is making a quick stop straight from Emmyland.

From all the recent emails I've received recently, it looks like I'm officially on my way to becoming an official Benedictine Oblate. Cue the happy crying, fangirl squealing, and other celebratory actions a young woman of my age should've outgrown by now... but hasn't. lol. The Oblate novitiate period is a year-long process of discernment. To say that I'm excited would be an understatement. Did you not see the "fangirl squealing" part? lol.

Seriously, I could not be happier. My spiritual life has gotten a much life boost. I honestly feel like a different person and have been much happier. The Lenten week of depression only lasted the entirety of Holy Week before disappearing. I've already planned on spending more time in adoration with this book by St. Alphonsus Liguori this week. I look forward to discerning whether this is something God is calling me to do over the next year.

We have a (tentative) publication date for the third novel: May 14, 2018. That's 4 years (what?!) and 2 weeks after the publication of the first novel. It is the first non-Will and Lina book and something that was re-written over the past couple of months. It started out as one thing and with one idea and it morphed into something else. Not only that, a sequel will have to be written to finish the story. I tried to avoid it but I couldn't; these characters have a mind of their own.

As with my other novels, I decided to take the self-publishing route. Why? Because, really, it's the best options for these types of books. The YA/NA market is hard to break into, especially with books with my specific intent to write books that aren't smutty or insulting as the ones that dominate the current market. No, self-publishing is the right path for these books... for now. The autobiography I'm ghostwriting will (hopefully) be going to an actual publisher and is headed down a more traditional route.

If you're new to these parts, my novels tend to be YA/NA (young adult/new adult) aimed at young women between the ages of 17 to 26. I've had guys read my previous two novels (When Two Worlds Collide and London Calling) and I haven't heard too many complaints but, yeah, it's not aimed for y'all. I just have to put that warning out there. ;)

Alright, that's it. I've had an uber long day and I'm "functioning" on less than 5 hours of sleep which tends to make me a little silly and giddy. You guys are better off not seeing that side of me. lol.

I hope y'all are having a great week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

My Vocation Fear and a Costly Lesson Learned

Y'all know the writing gig I've been dropping hints about for the past 2 weeks or so? Well, now that the first article is up, I can officially let y'all in on the news. Meet EpicPew's newest contributing writer: me! ;)

Thanks to my friend, Theresa, I'm currently on a trial basis as a contributing writer for EpicPew. It's a website I'd subscribed to (for daily updates via email) while I was in school because I liked the content that they post. When Theresa let me know they were looking for writers, I didn't hesitate to say I was interested in applying. Long story short, it led to my first assignment on pro-life marches coming up this weekend and next.

The lovely thing about this whole thing is that it happened when I finally let go and let God take over. It happened the day I found out I wasn't going to continue the SLP program at Utah State. I had resigned myself to do whatever God wanted me to do. I didn't know how I was going to begin to repay my student loans. I didn't know what work I could possibly do with everything that's been going on. All I knew was that I fully trusted God to lead me down whatever path He wanted me to take. If I couldn't find anything because I needed to rest, I would rest. If I could find something I could do (and, hopefully, enjoy), I would welcome it. Immediately, this happened and, well, I couldn't be happier!

The interesting thing is that, last week, when I was contacted by the folks at Utah State that they wanted to help me continue down the SLP path by trying to help me get financial aid to finish the last two classes I "needed" (which I don't actually need) was also the day I got my first article greenlit. Cue the "fork in the middle of the road" metaphor. lol. I felt a peace when it came to writing for EpicPew. I feel a tightness in my chest and a foreboding feeling when I think about the SLP path. It was a no-brainer; I was going to stick to writing and not return to Utah State.

Ever since I decided to give an honest effort to make it as a writer (which isn't easy!), I've felt an enormous peace settle in my heart and in my very being. I gave a half-hearted try when I had finished my undergrad degree in 2012 because I felt called to it... but the pressure to do something that had a more steady income made me abandoned that dream. I wish I hadn't because all it did was get me $43k in student loan debt (I only had $2,000 student loan debt after I finished my first B.A.).

So, what's my takeaway from this long (and, literally, costly) mistake? That one shouldn't ignore what one feels called to out of fear (in my case, financial stability) because God always finds a way to provide. Even before I had finished my first degree, I'd felt like God was slowly tugging me into a career as a writer. When Patrick Madrid gave me my first big writing break in 2010 (that led to other freelance writing gigs; some secular, some Catholic), I didn't even have writing on my radar as a possible career path. I loved writing but I didn't consider doing it for the Catholic world until it happened. Again, financial difficulties, as well as dry spells that every writer experiences, led me to abandon it when I really should've just abandoned myself to His Divine Providence. I mean, I eventually did... years later. lol. You live and learn, folks!

I guess I know why St. Francis de Sales kept popping up in my life for most of last year. He's now my vocation patron saint. I have weekly articles coming up on EpicPew. I have the memoir I'm ghostwriting. I'm working on my third novel (which has undergone a change from its original plot). I hope God continues to show me what He wants me to do... and that I continue to have the courage to do it, even if it means that things may get a little difficult (financially) at times.

That's it for now. I'm doing an experiment to try to get my sleeping schedule back on track which involves shutting off all screens (laptop, phone, iPod touch) early so I need to go finish taking care of emails and everything else before my "screens off" time comes up. 

I hope you all have a lovely weekend! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Is This What You Meant, God (via St. Francis de Sales)?

St. Francis de Sales has been popping up in my life at the most (seemingly) random times of my life during the past year. It's usually when I'm questioning a lot of things, career-wise. It's happened, once again, while doing the 54-day Rosary novena.

It's no secret that two of my intentions are that I either graduate from the program I'm in (which I feel called to do despite hating it) and work in this field OR that God shows me what He wants me to do if it isn't the SLP route. Either way, I just want to do His will... while paying back my student loans. It's the only debt I have (besides paying off my laptop) and I want it gone.

In an ideal world, I would be a writer -- either of novels, as a ghostwriter (which I have experience in), or for Catholic publications. I just want to write. I want that to be my work... but I haven't had the best luck trying to break into it because I'm not as aggressive as other people in trying to land work. I don't like using my connections to get jobs. I want to get them on my own merit and talents.

When I asked God to show me my gifts a couple of weeks ago, I was and wasn't surprised to see that writing came up. I wasn't because I've always had better success communicating through the written word than verbally. I was because, like I said, I haven't had much success in the writing world over the last couple of years. Still, I've felt pulled back to write... and to make a better effort to make it happen, career-wise.

Last month, a friend asked me if I was doing NaNoWriMo this year and I, on a whim, decided I was going to. Yes, I have a full load of schoolwork and everything else but I need the creative outlet that writing offers. I've only had two nights since November 1st to work on a third novel but I've already made a decent amount of progress in those 2 days. 

I'm going to start over... in a sense. Since I let my @nerdwriter Twitter account go the 30 days without activating it, it's gone. It can't be reactivated and I can't gain all those followers again. That doesn't bother me. In fact, it makes things better because I have the chance to have a fresh start as a writer. The nerdwriter era had to come to an end and I don't regret doing it. I opened up a new public account and am going to be using @MelissaCeciliaG as my new handle since that's what I use professionally. Warning: If I come to realize that this was a rash decision, I have absolutely no qualms about shutting the account down. I can do without Twitter... if I'm not writing. For now, it's a necessity. 

Why did I start over again last night? Because, as I prayed day 9 of the 54-day Rosary novena, I felt like I was having a mental dialogue with God that went something like this:

"Use your gifts."

Me: But I'd have to start over again.

"Is this your passion?"
Me: Yes.

"Then start over again. Don't let anyone or anything extinguish your gifts."

Me: But...

"Don't let anyone dampen your light; your fire."

I felt such a motivation and a sort of push to get back into things... with some modifications. I already know what and what doesn't work for me in terms of Twitter because I still have that love-but-mostly hate relationship with the site. Taking a cue from one of my favorite non-fiction writers, author Jennifer L. Scott, I'm going to be using the account to post things that are associated with what's going on with me as a writer. And, okay, I'm also going to share the odd tweet and/or article that I find amusing that I would like to share but I won't be as active as I once was. 

There's one more thing that is a big change for me: I'm 98% sure I'm going to make the transition from New Adult fiction writer to a non-fiction writer. I already have two projects (one of which isn't even mine; I'm ghostwriting someone's memoirs) lined up for the end of the year. When I felt the push from God to try my hand at writing again, it became clear to me that I do better as a non-fiction writer. I literally went "Ohhh...!!!" aloud when I came to that realization a couple of days ago. lol. I don't know why but writing about things that happen in real life (i.e. these blog posts, past articles I've written for various publications and companies) makes more sense to me. Sure, I have a ton of stories bouncing around in my mind, but I think I connect better with readers when I can just be myself, warts and all. I still may write the occasional YA/NA novel (my third novel is one I feel compelled to write/publish) but my focus will be different this time around. 

Now we come back to St. Francis de Sales... I've been wondering all year if this was why he kept popping up in my life whenever I questioned my career choices. I kept thinking to myself, "does this mean I should give writing another shot?" He is the patron saint of writers... but he's also the patron saint against deafness which falls in the speech-language pathology field. I'm currently studying for speech-pathology AND audiology as part of my second Bachelor's program so I've been learning more about the deaf community this semester. I have more audiology courses next semester so, you know, I won't be surprised if he continues popping up in my life through graduation.

Could it be possible that God wants me to work in both fields? It is a possible option, after all. After I finish my degree (if I can pass my courses this and next semester), I plan on doing my license hours so I can get my SLPA license. There will be a lot of free time in between graduation and when the license hours will be completed since the local programs will begin in September and end in November... if I can get into the cohort that begins in Fall 2018. If I don't, I'll have to apply for the Spring 2019 cohorts (which end in April) and see if I can get into them. In the meantime, I'll need to do something (work-wise) to begin paying back my student loans. Is this what you meant, God (via St. Francis de Sales)?

I've been saying (for weeks/months) that I don't feel like I'm meant to keep my focus solely on the speech-language pathology field, even going as far as saying that I didn't see myself doing it long term. Could it possible that it was because I had to figure out that I was meant to do both? I guess I'll just have to wait for more clarity from God. For now, I'm going to continue to try to work as hard as I can in my coursework and exams... and try to get the third novel completed and published. I probably won't get the novel finished until sometime next year but, at least, I'll have a way to reward myself for doing well on my exams (for every passed exam, a full day of just writing and no studying).

Anyway, those are my thoughts for now. Please feel free to follow me on Twitter. I can't guarantee I'll check it daily or as often as before but now I'll be able to keep in touch with some of y'all with whom I'd lost touch when I closed down the @nerdwriter account. 

That's it for now. I have an exam to study for and an assignment to complete... and then more writing to do. Whoo! :D

I hope y'all have had a lovely week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Why I'm No Longer Writing the Third Novel

One of the clues I gave a small group of friends on what my novel was about back in June.

First, I just wanted to say a big "thank you!" to all of you for your kind words (in public and private) regarding the blog post I wrote last night (God Humbled This Proud, Conceited, Vain Girl). I honestly wasn't expecting many people to read it since I wrote it and posted it so late. I woke up to some very lovely messages and it brightened my morning despite the lack of sleep.

As I wrote yesterday, I didn't post this blog post yesterday because I had last night's blog post topic on my mind. In my heart, I felt like it was the right time to write and publish it... even if it meant that I would get little to no readers as the East Coast, where most of my readers reside, was already asleep by then. God does love to surprise us, doesn't He?

I won't make this post very long because there is going to be a (sort-of) part two and three in which I will discuss what the messages/theme of the novel were and why I was inspired to write it. However, after much consideration, I decided not to continue it... or, at least, not to publish it.

A couple of days ago, I stayed up until 2:30 a.m. (after writing for hours) editing and fleshing out the story a bit more since the basics were all written out through the ending. I went to sleep feeling so happy that I'd broken through the writer's block and that the novel finally felt right; that God had finally given me the right words to say. When I went to work the next afternoon, I was met with a surprise: everything I had written, edited, and worked on was gone.

I have this tendency to save every couple of minutes so that I don't lose anything. I'm a writer; it's a habit for the sake of one's sanity. I also backup all my files online just to be safe. Before I went into full-blown panic mode, I went to recover all the unsaved documents... and everything but the novel was there. I went through all my documents -- through all my files on my laptop -- and found nothing. I asked Microsoft for help but I was informed that since I don't save my documents on their own online cloud, my work was lost.

I would be lying if I said I didn't cry. I did. I apparently had the most heartbreakingly sad cry I'd had in years that my mom left the room so she wouldn't hear me. I was gutted. I had worked so hard and to lose everything just hurt... especially since I felt like I was finally going to be done with it.

For weeks, I'd wanted to finish the novel because it was inspired by what I went through this summer and earlier this year; what caused me to have an intense spiritual dryness I'd never experienced before and what nearly caused me to nearly leave the Faith. Having to write things out was making me relive things, which wasn't all bad. I was able to work through a lot of things and it helped me get my spiritual life back in order. However, in the last couple of weeks, it was doing a lot of interior damage. Sure, my spiritual life was getting better but other parts in my interior life were suffering. That's why I tried to work through it as fast as possible; I just wanted to be done with it. Furthermore, every time something associated with the novel came up, I would get inexplicably ill. Think anxiety symptoms and then some.

I talked to one of my best friends and my mother about it and we all came to the same conclusion -- it seemed like a sign that I shouldn't continue writing it. As I thought about it more, and especially during my time of prayer, I realized that the novel didn't feel right anymore. I still want to get the messages out there... but perhaps I should come clean in the form of blog posts instead of fiction based on real-life events. As much as I love writing fiction (and I do plan on continuing some day), it seems like writing on this blog -- sharing the good and the bad that happens in my life -- bears the most fruit... so that's what I'm going to do.

I hope to write about the novel themes (and perhaps even share a bit of what I wrote in the novel through this blog) in the next couple of days. I have two big things due on the 8th and the 15th so I don't know how much I'll write between now and then. I shall try to get them written soon if I can get my work done on time. Please say a prayer for me regarding these two things (the first two of several in the next couple of months), especially since I'm a week behind schedule and it's a lot of work. I have two novenas going on at the same time -- one to St. Jude and one of the Holy Spirit -- because these are big, important things I cannot afford to mess up. Prayers, please: that I do well on them and that my health cooperates.

Anyway, I offer my apologies to those who were looking forward to the novel. I do hope to write another in the future but it looks like this one won't see the light of day anytime soon... especially not after I write the blog posts. Y'all will see what I mean.

And, now, I'm off to work on the thing that's due on Friday because I have like less than 2 days to complete it. *runs*

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)

Dear (Fellow) Catholic Writers...

Dear (fellow) Catholic writers,

I don't want to compete with you. At all. I know that some people are in this seemingly endless competition to see who can amass more social media followers... whose articles get the most traffic... whose articles get the most comments... retweets... likes, etc. I'm not one of them. I prefer to be an insignificant nobody in the Catholic world (and in the world in general).

If you feel the need to rub it in my face that I've been blogging for 10 years and don't have a column in a popular/well-known Catholic publication have a book deal/contract with a publisher, I have news for you: I'm sincerely happy for you and I honestly don't care that these things haven't happened to me. Do you want to know why? Because I don't feel that it's what God wants for me (at least, not right now) and it is not suitable for me in many ways.

Having a column would open me up to criticism (both from outsiders and from myself) and I'm far too sensitive for criticisms. Why do you think I take extended breaks from Twitter and why I'm very careful about who I add on other social media platforms? I'm very susceptible to being affected by negativity. Too much time on Twitter makes me uncharitable and snippy; that's not who I want to be nor who I believe I am, deep down.

Furthermore, despite having reverted over a decade ago, I've yet to learn enough about Catholicism to feel confident enough to speak out about it. That's how I've seen that perhaps the lay Dominican life is not for me; I love learning but I don't feel prepared to speak to others about all topics within Catholicism. I speak of what little I know; of what I've experienced. I'm happy that in this little corner of the internet, I can express myself and that I don't feel the pressure to churn out some amazing content on a regular basis. It would be too stressful for me and I've only just gotten my anxiety down to a practically non-existent level.

In recent weeks, God has opened my eyes and shown me that I don't want the popularity that comes with having writing success. I write because I love it. I write because it's my way of expressing myself. I write because I feel like it's the one small talent God has given me... one that, I hope, will one day help me stimulate my future children's imaginations since I hope to create magical worlds just for them.

I know that I may someday choose not to blog anymore. I don't think I will ever give up writing completely but I know that my heart is with building my future family. I've discerned my vocation to the point of knowing that what I want most in this world is to get married and have children. I know that I want to devote myself to that vocation as much as I can -- being a stay-at-home mother, if God wills it, would be a dream -- and that I'm very likely to give up writing often while my children are small.

I will continue to self-publish my novels because my object is not to make a ton of money but to (hopefully) help others in little ways -- to escape a problem by being immersed in a world I've created, even if it's for a little while... to learn from the mistakes and lessons learned by the characters in my novels... to be inspired to grow closer to God. That's why I periodically choose to give my novels away and/or donate the proceedings of my sales to various causes (i.e. earthquake relief funds).

For those of you who are successful in the Catholic writing world and have managed to stay humble: you leave me in awe and I will continue to pray that God gives you the knowledge, courage, and humility to continue spreading His word with the gift He's given you. I know that I couldn't do it because I still have too much pride that God needs to whittle away from my very being. If He chooses to one day give what I write any attention from publishers or editors of publications, it will be done because He knows that I will be able to handle it (which I currently cannot). At the moment, I don't see it happening and I'm perfectly content with what I have right now.

Being invisible amongst other bloggers and writers is wonderfully humbling and is shaping me into the person that I hope God wants me to be. I've come to see that I wish to remain as I am now: being surrounded with great people who support me, who choose to be part of my journey (seeking nothing but friendship in return) and who challenge me to seek God and become the best version of myself.

Dear Catholic writers, I pray that you continue to do wonderful things for His kingdom and that your words lead others closer to God. I pray that the popularity, fame, envy, greed, and other temptations that the devil may try to tempt you with will not affect you. If they do, I pray that God will open your eyes and that you are immediately able to fix it. In our fallen human nature, it's very easy to fall into traps that hurt our souls without us being aware of them until much later. I've been able to see this for myself. God has been merciful and shown me what I need to work on; I pray He does the same for you.

Please remember that whatever success we have on this earth does not dictate where we will end up once our time in this world is over. Please remember to build each other up instead of tearing each other down or trying to outdo each other. It's become very evident (at least to me) that the evil one has been hard at work to divide us all... and it's become especially easily through social media. Please be on your guard and pray for each other (and the trolls that may want to engage in a pointless battle with you; don't feel the trolls). Don't be afraid to share what others have written if you think it will be beneficial to others; even if it means your blog/article for the day gets ignored. Do things for the greater good.

Anyway, I didn't write this to shame anyone; I just wanted to express my own opinions and let you all know that I am praying for you. I choose not to compete with you, but to fight alongside you; to help others get to Heaven.

This is not a "farewell, blog/writing world" post, but a letter to all the wonderfully talented writers in hopes that it will remind them of what's truly important.

May God bless you all,

Third Novel and Vocation Thoughts

Hello, everyone! I've been working hard on the third novel which is why I haven't been blogging much lately. That and I didn't like the idea of the novena posts being interrupted by random posts. I know some of you are wondering if the third novel is a continuation of the Will and Lina novels and the answer is no. It's a completely different story with new characters. Some things (i.e. locations) may be similar but this novel is different, darker even. I'm really enjoying writing it (despite the writer's blocks I've encountered) and I have an August 25 deadline so, you know, I gotta work hard. The ending is currently eluding me, which has never happened to me before -- I usually have the middle and ending written out first, but I'll sure it'll all work itself out when I least expect it.

Yesterday, I was reflecting on how I've gone through a major change in my life during the time that I've written each novel. The first novel was written during two major changes in my life: prior and following the death of my father and my time before and following my graduation from my CINO (Catholic in name only) alma mater. The second novel was written at a time where I was at an academic and career crossroads... and I had also realized (too late) that I'd fallen in love for the first time in my life. (side note: it didn't end up like it did in the novel, obviously). This third novel is being written during another big change which involved my vocations (career and life).

I'm trying to keep details off the blog (for now) since what I went through in the past 6-7 months served as the inspiration for the plot although, as usual, it's not exactly autobiographical. As weird as it may sound, I feel like perhaps I need to write this for other young women (or men) who may be the in the same boat. I don't think it's a coincidence that St. Francis de Sales has been popping up everywhere in the past 4 months and that a lot of my ideas for the plot/chapters come up while I pray the Rosary. I keep wondering if God wants me to write this because there seems to be a need to talk about the topic the novel focuses on. I haven't seen a single Catholic blogger (or, really, any blogger) ever touch on this particular topic but I've definitely seen the need to address it. How's that for vague (for now)? lol. I decided to write it as a novel instead of a non-fiction book because it's where I feel most comfortable. People who don't know what's truly happening in my life (only a handful of people know) won't know what was taken straight from my experiences and which was inspired by the events and fictionalized. Either way, I actually feel called to write this.

It's weird but I never felt "called" to write the other two novels. I never even considered that it was my "calling" to be a writer. I always wrote (my childhood best friend used to give me notebooks and pens for my birthday every year until I turned 18); it's always been a natural extension of how I express myself and my ideas. I wrote the novels for fun and then they got published. True, I wrote them with the intention of having non-smutty young adult/new adult novels for young women but that was it. With this third novel, I have my target audience in mind when I write... and I also have the Holy Spirit on my mind. I keep reminding myself that I set out to write this novel to (hopefully) do good in an area that isn't addressed quite enough but desperately needs to be. Sometimes I even wonder if I went through what I experienced the first half of this year just so I could write this novel. since any writer will tell you that it's best to write what you know. Who knows, God works in mysterious ways and this may be one of His ways to get through to others. As I said to God at the beginning of this novel, I just want to His will and if writing this helps one person in some small way, I'll do it.

I do want to eventually write about my vocations since I feel like God has never made my path as clear as He has in the past two months but, for now, I'm going to use that as inspiration for the novel. I also feel that, until the novel is published (late August-early September), I shouldn't talk about either topic. I will say that the big V (life; religious life/marriage) vocation helped me figure out the small v (career) vocation. It might now happen the same way for the protagonist in the novel but it did inspire part of the plot so... gotta keep it zipped.

That's all I can say about the third novel... for now. As I said, I feel like God (through the intercessions of Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati, St. Joseph, and the Holy Spirit) has taken pity on me and has shown me what He wishes me to do in the near future as well as what He would like for me to do long term (vocations). I can't recall every being this at peace about my vocations or what He wants me to do. Ever. Everything in my life has finally begun falling into place. Oh, how I want to talk about these things right now but I know that I should use that gratitude (towards God and my intercessors) and inspiration to write something worth sharing. Maybe I'll finish the novel sooner and I'll have it published before the August 25th deadline -- I certainly have the motivation to do so. lol. Patience, Emmy... patience. lol.

That's it for now. I will say that this blog post is setting up for something I want to post soon because it's another thing that also needs addressing. I may not write tomorrow since it's the 8th anniversary of my father's death and I don't know how I will feel (some years I'm weepy, others I'm in a depressive funk) but I'll definitely post again before the weekend. I want to get back to a healthy blogging/novel writing balance. :)

I hope you all have a lovely week and had a great weekend. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Not a "Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200" Situation

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm officially done with my SLP program. No, this doesn't mean I'm graduating. It's complicated but not a "do not pass go; do not collect $200" situation. I'll try my best to explain. Cue "Done" by The Band Perry playing in the background.

Long story short: the program requires that I earn a B- or greater in my courses before I can move on. I will be stuck with a C+ (after failing my final exam last night; I needed an 80% to pass the class) for one course (B in the other) and thus I'm done. I can repeat the course for the third time like some of my other classmates will be doing but I've chosen not to for two big reasons. (side note: there is a lot of griping and speculation amongst those in the program about the changes that have been and will be implemented this summer. Let's just say that there are apparently many courses being repeated 2-3 times before a student can move on and/or graduate and this wasn't an issue when I began the program three years ago.)

First, I don't want to add to my student debt. I'm about $40-45k in debt for one completed Bachelor's, another nearly completed Bachelor's, and one year of a Master's degree. I'm almost done paying off the loans from my first BA (yay!) but I still need to pay off the rest and it's going to be a little hard because I haven't been able to work. As you guys know, I've been sick for a while and I've spent a lot of time at home, in bed or just sitting as much as I can, and I haven't been able to physically do much which rules out a lot of potential jobs. I've been wanting to work for a long time now because I hate debt. My parents taught me not to use credit cards or get myself something that I can't pay off right away but my education was always sort of the exception. The longer I go without a job, the more money I'll owe (especially with the interest rates from the graduate loans; holy cow!). Mom and I are in a good place, financially, right now but we don't know how much longer she'll be able to work because she's physically slowing down and we literally cannot afford for me to keep going in school without a job. I can't do both; I've tried and it's affected my health so it's not an option.

Second, and most importantly, I haven't felt called to continue down this SLP path for several weeks/months. In fact, I broke down and cried all afternoon, evening, and about 11:30 p.m. on Friday because I hated that I felt stuck doing this (due to responsibilities). Yes, I actually cried (on and off) for about 8 hours. It was bad but it was also good because it made me realize that I was doing something that I don't feel God is calling me to do because I was trying to please others and trying to take matters into my own hands.

It was during that emotionally taxing time that I had this beautiful yet painful revelation that I was crying because I knew I wasn't doing what I feel God is calling me to do. I do trust Him to lead me down the path He wants me to take, but I was still letting others (including the most important person in my life) influence what I was doing and then making an excuse that God would still provide because I was sacrificing a lot for the good of another. That was the whole reason why I kept going down this path; because I wanted others to benefit from what I was doing even though I knew, deep down, that this wasn't what I was meant to be doing and even though I was utterly miserable doing it. If you know me, you know this isn't new for me... and that it's something I feel God has been wanting me to address for a long time.

Over the last couple of days, I've been gaining a little more of the clarity that I've been praying for. I've realized that I need to, first and foremost, take a little break (perhaps the first half of the month of May) to take care of myself and my health. It's something that I've been working on (and have been seeing good results in recent days) but I feel like I need a little bit of time to fully immerse myself in prayer, fasting (in ways others than food), and recollection while I physically take care of myself. This also means more Mass (daily, if I can), more time in silence, and less outside noise. Also, more sleep (you should see the bags under my eyes right now), a healthier diet (I've been slipping in this area lately), and giving my mind a break from all the memorization craziness from the past 8 months.

Following this little break of maybe a week or two, I plan on writing full-time until I can find a job that I can do at home or one that allows me to be seated for the majority of it... at least while I continue to get healthier and recover from the health issues I've had lately. I do have a ghostwriting assignment (a memoir) that's been in the works for months that I can now fully devote myself and my time to. It's not too mentally taxing but it's enough of a challenge that will keep my mind occupied, which I like. I was wondering why St. Francis de Sales kept popping up in my life lately (especially since Lent) and I think this might be why. We'll see. ;)

I don't feel disappointed in this new development. It's weird but I felt elated when I saw the 52% exam grade last night. I felt relief... joy... a lot of excitement... and peace. I think I actually said "oh, good. Now I can do Your will, God" out loud. lol. I now have the excuse (because, yes, in my weird little head I needed an excuse to get people off my back) to pursue whatever God is calling me to do. I'm so excited! I've been praying the 30-day (day 23 today) St. Joseph novena and I did another novena for St. Catherine of Siena's feast day for this particular intention and I guess I received my answer. I know people will be disappointed in me. I know some will think I'm lazy or that I'm a quitter. Frankly, my dears, I don't give a darn.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I'm just so excited that I can finally focus on finding out what God wants me to do, to actually do it, and not have that obstacle anymore. I don't have any more excuses not to and it's incredibly liberating and a little daunting because I have no idea what's in store. I used to have a major problem with (and get anxiety attacks from) not knowing what's ahead. I used to (and, okay, still do -- on a smaller scale) love to plan things out exactly how I wanted them to go. Thankfully, now I plan but I also recognize that plans don't always go the way you want them to and that's okay. I'm getting better at going with the flow which is something I used to do very well when I was younger but became a control issue when anxiety hit in my mid teens. God's plans are better than my own. Also, is it weird that this is somehow feels like it's connected to the 54-day Rosary novena I did last year?

I have no idea how I'm going to pay off my student loans. I've been keeping my eye out on jobs that I can do from home -- i.e. freelance writing, managing a brand's social media accounts, etc. -- for weeks now but nothing yet. I have no doubt that God will help provide at some point. I'm not going to stress out (even though at least one person in my life is freaking out over this). If God provides food and shelter for animals, surely He will help me find a way to pay for my loans and for the basic necessities of life. I'm not above doing menial jobs if that's what He wants to do. I would be perfectly happy cleaning a church or doing something that is seen as lowly if I knew it was what He wanted me to do. Sure, I will continue pursuing my longtime dream of being a writer but if another path becomes clear for me, I'll pursue that instead. You and me, God... let's do this!

Alright, I think that's long enough. lol. I don't know when I'll be able to blog again. I've been experiencing problems with my laptop this past week (I almost wasn't able to do my exam last night because of these problems) and I don't know when it'll finally bite the dust. I'm trying very hard not to read into the symbolism of this situation; I bought the laptop specifically to start the SLP program three years ago and now it started to break down completely as I'm finishing my last semester in this program. I've had problems with this laptop since day one. I even had to return the laptop 3 times because they were all faulty. I see what you did there, coincidences... ;)

I hope you all have a lovely Sunday!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

5 Things You May Not Know About Me

There is a lot of negativity online today so I thought I'd lighten things up a bit with 5 random things you may not know about me. I've done this 3 times in the past (in 2009, 2011, and 2013) but these are new facts for y'all. ;)

1. In recent months/weeks, I entertained the idea of moving to a foreign country to work with a well-known company as a writer for a popular TV show. I have to remain vague about the details for many reasons but it took me a good week and a half to talk myself out of it earlier this month. I considered it very seriously but ultimately decided that it was not the right time. Actually, I don't think it'll ever be the right time or career path for me. I know myself well enough to know that, while it would be an amazing opportunity, it would derail me in major ways. I saw myself defaulting to some of the terrible habits I had pre-reversion. I didn't want to throw away all the work I've done in the past decade to better my relationship with God. Yes, working for their company would be a dream -- as would the opportunity to write for a living -- but my life is taking a different direction. I'm still trying to get over it. lol.

2. This one is for you sports fans: I have a favorite football (soccer) team in almost every major league. FA Premier League (England): Liverpool F.C. Scottish Premier League: Celtic F.C. La Liga (Spain): Barcelona. Bundesliga (Germany): Bayern Munich. I don't watch League 1 (France) or Serie A (Italy) so I don't have one there. In the MLS, I fear my loyalty to the L.A. Galaxy might be wavering with the Seattle Sounders looking like a possible replacement. In the Mexican Primera Division, I'll be disowned by my brother if I don't root for Santos which is the sister club on Scotland's Celtic FC so it works out for me. lol. Liverpool and Celtic are the two I follow the most closely and will actually get up at 4 a.m. (Pacific Time) to watch a match. Also, fun fact: Celtic FC is considered the Catholic team in the SPL as opposed to Rangers which is considered the rival Protestant team. I may write about this in the future. Hint, hint.

3. Despite being an academic nerd and working hard towards my current degree, I'm not actually career oriented. That doesn't necessarily mean that I don't want a career; I've just chosen to not make my career my life. I'll be honest and admit that I would rather be a homeschooling stay-at-home mom who writes or works as a photographer in the free time I'd find. However, I'm still going to pursue my current career path (as a speech-language pathology assistant) because I love that I'll be able to help others and I adore working with kids. If I have to stay at home with my (future) kids and take care of the house, I'd love it. If I have to be a working mom, that would also be fine... but I'll never put work ahead of my family. It's not who I am. This will surprise no one who has known me long enough; I passed up the opportunity to study in both England and Canada to stay home and help my parents, both before and after my father passed away.

4. Although I don't often share what I photograph, I'm constantly taking pictures. No, not selfies. I actually don't like selfies all that much and I actually challenged myself to get over my dislike of them last year. Those who follow me on my (private) Instagram account are probably going "Ohh!" right about now. lol. My father got me hooked on photography at an early age and I even took a photography course as my elective my senior year of high school. I like taking pictures of things that inspire me; that I find beautiful. Most of the ideas I get are spontaneous and are usually detail oriented. I don't think I will ever make a career out of it but I love it either way. I'm actually saving up for a high-quality camera so that I can do it more often in my spare time.

5. I have the weird (but true) reputation of being a "husband maker." Meaning my ex-boyfriends (and, apparently, guys who've had crushes on me) have married the next girl they've dated after me. It started with my childhood sweetheart who married young (as soon as we turned 18, I believe) and it's continued as recent as a year ago. I apparently help prepare them and we always end up good friends but we're never right for each other beyond friendship. *shrugs* I don't even know. lol. I've also been the "wing-woman" to many of my guy friends and have helped them plan their proposals to their (now) wives. Maybe I should consider becoming a wedding planner. Ha!

And that's it for now. My rainstorm-induced headache ('sup, built-in weather predictor?) is keeping me from studying and I think the light from the laptop is making it worse so I'm going to take a break from staring at the screen and enjoy an audiobook and a cup of tea for a little while.

I hope you all have a lovely end of the week and a great weekend! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

As a Woman, I'm Insulted...

Dear (Most) Writers of Women's Fiction,

As a woman, I'm insulted by the rubbish you've written for us. Though I'm grateful that the LAPL (Los Angeles Public Library) has an excellent selection of eBooks for us who can't keep driving to and from one of the local library branches, your books have made me sorry to have so many options because most of them are terrible and an absolute waste of time.

Now, I'm not dumping on everyone. I've read some decent novels that were hard to put down. Though I might've had some personal issues with the language and a small thing or two because I'm a "prude," but, overall, the characters were relatable and the story was engaging. To you 2% who don't focus on superficial things in novels, massive kudos to you!

As a writer, I understand that it's not easy to write a novel. I wrote (and rewrote) my first novel several times over a period of about 5 years. The second was easier as it was a sequel and I already knew how the story was going to end. I get that sometimes when we write, we think what would appeal best to our intended audience. Sometimes, though, I get a feeling that some of us (and I'm going to exclude myself from this bit) write what we think will sell for the sake of selling, leaving the plotline to suffer as a consequences.

As a woman I'm insulted that you think that all we think about is lustful sex... and clothes... and unrealistic romance in an idealistic world. Yes, we women like romance. Hi, I like Hallmark movies and will cry at the end of some of those movies. However, I'm worried that the way stories are written will have an adverse effect on women in general.

What are the most common plots I've noticed in books I've read lately? Woman wants to reform a man... woman wants a man she can't have... woman is unhappy in her relationship/marriage so she seeks to get her pleasure kicks elsewhere... woman dreams about her dream man and she gets him... woman is obsessed with looking thin and perfect. Do you see where there is a problem in the genre?

How about books of women going through real life struggles with the help of their family and friends? How about a focus on platonic love instead of writing smut? Yes, most of us women thrive when we feel a connection with another person, but it doesn't always have to be dramatic and romantic. How about writing about real issues we women face like how complicated relationships are, about women suffering from infertility, about genuine human connections that inspire us to be better women? Why must the majority of books lead down the smutty road of lustful sex? Newsflash: not all of us like that stuff nor do we live it.

I'm sure there's an audience for these types of books but, if the reviews on Goodreads are any indication, most of us are looking for more than one dimensional characters getting their groove on. We want literary women of substance. We want to read about ordinary women who do extraordinary things against all odds. We want to read about heroines who strive for more than finding the perfect boyfriend/husband, having the perfect wedding, and/or exceed in beauty. Give me a "frumpy looking" character whose mind and heart challenges and inspires readers rather than a beautiful one who is shallow and loathsome.

As a writer I promise to try to write characters that I would've hoped someone else would've written for me, if that makes any sense. I want to challenge my readers. I want to show younger readers that there's more to life than snagging the "hot" and "sexy" guy... more than fitting into the "right" clothes... to looking "perfect"... to being what the world expects me to be like. I'm not saying my books will be likeable to all or even "good," but if I can help combat the crud that is out there, I'll be happy.

Anyway, sorry for this rant, y'all. I just got done with yet another terrible novel (this one had a main character who was in an adulterous relationship for 6 YEARS with a man who clearly wasn't going to leave his wife -- not that he should've -- and kept making excuses to stay with him) and I needed to vent my frustration in long form. It frustrates me because so many of these books have promising ideas behind them and the blurbs are intriguing but the ysimply crash and burn within the first 50 pages.

Any of you ladies have similar thoughts when reading fiction novels, especially those aimed at us? Have any of you read any books that have rich, complex characters that you can recommend? Please let me know; I need stuff to read before bed -- it's how I unwind and it helps me fall asleep. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)

My Gifts from God?

This morning started out like any other morning on which I have errands to run. I tapped the "snooze" button on my iPod touch twice. "Oh, I can get ready in under 10 minutes," I reasoned. (side note: one of my guy friends can attest to this -- I made him keep track the last time we hung out just so I can say "yeah, well, Jose can tell you it's true." lol.) I got ready, grabbed reusable grocery bags (because they charge for plastic AND paper bags in CA), and headed out the door. I got into the van (I have access to a transportation service that allows me to reserve a ride where I need to go a day ahead of time) and I heard someone talking about prayer on the radio. "Hmm... talk radio? Christian radio?"

Drivers having Christian radio stations during the rides isn't new for me. It's usually the Hispanic drivers and it's usually a branch of Protestant Christianity. I kept listening to the listener talking about the Pledge of Allegiance being a form of prayer. Then the host of the program started talking. "Wait... I know that voice..." I said to myself. "Is that Patrick Madrid?" I asked the driver. Surprised by my question, he said it was. That sprung a conversation that made me think a lot about my faith and my role in the Church.

I told the driver that I was a Catholic blogger and he became excited. Seriously, stoked. He said that it was great that I shared my gift with others, especially other youth. It became clear that he thought I was much younger than I actually am. I get this a lot, especially when I don't wear makeup (which is about 98% of the time). He told me that he used to be a confirmation teacher before he began driving for the company. He shared how difficult it was to teach confirmation because a lot of young people are apathetic to the faith. Not only do they feel forced to be there, their parents are just as bad. "I'm glad there are people like you who are sharing your faith," he said to me. "We need more young people to help evangelize youth." That reminded me why I felt a great pull towards doing youth ministry.

Long story short, over the last couple of years I've had a lot of younger (teens into early 20s) Catholics spring up conversations with me over a myriad of topics. I've also had random adults open up to me but it's mostly youth who do this, both in person and online. I guess they just see me and they go "hmm, maybe she'll understand." Maybe it's because I look so young or maybe there's something about that I don't see but makes other people feel comfortable divulging big things they want to talk about. Either way, I've felt like the Holy Spirit has used me to help (to the best of my abilities) these young people... which sent me down this path of wanting to work with youth.

I thought about this -- about how this weekend I'm getting introduced to the kids at my parish and how I will have to overcome a fear (getting home a bit late on a Sunday night; I live in a shady neighborhood) to go to these meetings. I thought about all the young Catholics who've felt safe enough to open up to me over the years. Though I don't feel particularly wise, I always ask the Holy Spirit to help me figure out what to say to them. I thought about how many private messages I've gotten about certain blog posts, filled with gratitude about opening up about certain topics. I've never really seen writing as my gift (I didn't become an English major for a reason, lol) nor have I considered youth opening up to me as a gift... but maybe I should. Not in the "oh, I'm so great. Boom! Look what I can do!" way but more "wow, okay, God gave this to me to share with others; to bring others closer to Him."

I, of course, can't do it by myself. The Holy Spirit needs to help guide me because I feel clueless more than half the time. lol. The internal monologue goes something like this: "What am I doing? Are You sure I'm not seriously underqualified? I feel underqualified. Alright... if it's what You want..."

Alright, God... You have my attention. You got my attention through a fellow Catholic who was listening to Patrick before I even stepped inside the van. He said things that both humbled me in the best way (which I'm keeping to myself) and lit the fire within me. As my beloved Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati used to say, "Verso l'alto!"

Anyway, I just wanted to share these thoughts that have been bouncing around in my mind since this morning. I have to go get lunch started since mom will be home soon.

I hope y'all are having a great weekend thus far! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D