Why Can't I Find My Place in the Church?

I briefly mention this topic in the last post because it's been a major stumbling block on my quest to attend Mass more often to keep myself from becoming apathetic towards the Church. Again, I'm going to add the disclaimer that I may mention people (not by name, of course) but I'm not blaming them.

Since last year, I've been trying to attend more Latin Masses because it's where I feel more connected to God and more at peace. I'm fairly positive that if I counted, I'll see that I've been to more Extraordinary Form Masses than Ordinary Form Masses in the past year. I've been veiling (or, at the very least, keeping my head covered with berets and hats) for years. In fact, the last gift my father gave me (not counting the ultimate gift of his return to the Church the day before my 24th birthday) was a veil from Mexico... 8 years ago. I obviously started veiling before that so, you know, I'm not new at this. lol.

I love the reverence of the Latin Mass. I love that we all seem to be more focused on the Holy Sacrifice than in Ordinary Form Masses. I know some people's spiritual lives thrive more with the inclusion of the entire community during OF Masses (i.e. holding hands during the Lord's Prayer and the sign of peace) but it's not for me. I wasn't a fan even when I was a little girl. You can even ask my mom and she'll confirm it for you. I don't like how it seems to disrupt the focus (and purpose) of the Mass and it makes it easier for people to get distracted for the rest of the Mass. I've always loved focusing on what the priest was doing; on how he was celebrating Mass and feeling that I was a part of something greater than myself. This also started way before I even did my First Communion when I was 8. I love the significance of veiling and, on a more practical level, I love that the veil literally blocks all distractions within my peripheral vision and it helps me keep my eyes on the altar.

Latin Mass is the answer to my prayers... except that I still get lost during the Mass. lol. I have yet to buy myself a missal because they're expensive and I have a lot of expenses every week. L.A. is an expensive city to live in and we mostly live paycheck to paycheck so I have to save up for things that are not immediate necessities. I'm guessing that my being fluent in Spanish makes it a little easier to follow along but I still get hopelessly lost at times. Don't get me started on how I botch up Latin because my brain automatically switches to the Spanish pronunciation of letters and words. lol. I'm still getting used to it and I think I simply need to attend more Masses (and have a really, really patient person explain things to me) before I'm completely comfortable going to them.

Now, I'm not saying Ordinary Form Masses are terrible. It's what I grew up attending. I was baptized, made my First Communion, and was confirmed (in that order) in OF Masses. It's familiar and I can follow along because it's in a language I understand (for both English and Spanish Masses). I know many wonderful, holy priests who don't do Extraordinary Form Masses and their homilies are top notch. Still, overall, most OF Masses are not my cup of tea. I've been to some solemn OF Masses but there are always elements of this form that I'm not thrilled with. As I've mentioned, I'm not a fan of the hand-holding or the sign of peace. The music is... well, also not my cup of tea. I'm really sorry, music ministers, but once the guitar, bass, and/or drums get introduced, my focus and concentration are gone because it makes me feel like I'm at a concert or show rather than a Mass. Again, this is just what it seems to me. I know it helps other people but it distracts me more than it helps me personally. Don't even get me started on when they start projecting things on the sides of the altar or the clapping people do during Mass. To quote my beloved Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI, "Wherever applause breaks out in the liturgy because of some human achievement, it is a sure sign that the essence of liturgy has totally disappeared and been replaced by a kind of religious entertainment."

During my struggle with spiritual dryness/spiritual attacks, I noticed that I felt like I couldn't (and still can't) find "my place" with the Church... including with Masses. As you could probably deduce from this post, I prefer Latin Masses. However, not being able to follow doesn't help and sometimes I get really self-conscious asking someone for help because, well, I've had a bad experience with people who attend Latin Masses. I've gotten the "ugh, what a stupid question" vibe when questions do get asked and, let's be real, no one wants to feel like a total dunce. I've also gotten the "ugh, you're doing it wrong" vibe when I try to figure things out. Not everyone is like this, of course. I've met some really lovely people within the local Latin Mass community but I've yet to really get to know them well so I don't feel part of it. I obviously feel a greater sense of community at OF Masses. Not counting the judgmental looks when I've received when veiling, people tend to be more welcoming and, in my experience, are easier to get to know. That's one of the things I miss most of our former parish; knowing the people and being able to talk to them before and after Mass. I don't go to Mass to socialize, obviously, but it would be nice to know some of the people and know that you're surrounded by like-minded folks.

I love veiling and the Latin Mass - *gasp* too traditional! I prefer wearing skirts and dresses but I still like the comfort and, as someone who is active and grew up playing sports, like the coverage pants and shorts provide - *gasp* what an immodesty! Some people assume that I'm single because, like many of my Millennial peers, I like my independence and am too career oriented - *gasp* too modern! When they find out I'd prefer to be a stay-at-home mom and homeschool my future kids - *gasp* too traditional and anti-feminist to boot! I'm still single not because I want to be but because it seems to be God's will for me at the moment. It's not get started on my taste in music and films because it gets worse; I'm either too traditional/too much of a prude or too modern/liberal for that, too!

My point in all of this is that, despite the advantages and disadvantages of both, I feel like I haven't found my place in the Church. When you add the fact that I'm a single 32-year-old young woman with zero prospects (despite feeling calling to marriage) and that there seems to be no solid support system for us over-25 singles within either community, I feel like I'm on the outskirts of the Church. Why isn't there something for us singles who are in this stage of life because it's clearly not our time yet and not because we've actively chosen it? It would help us to have some sort of support.

I can't win, even though I really don't want to "win" anything. My goal is to get to heaven and help those God have placed in my life do the same thing. As I mentioned in the previous post, I'm very much a people person and feeling like I can't find a community to which I belong makes me feel dejected and, in turn, it makes it harder for me to nourish my spiritual life. Yes, I'm still very much an introvert but I'm also a social being (hence my saying that I'm a social introvert; it's an actual thing if you want to Google it if you don't believe me). I guess I just need to find that happy medium -- preferably a community that likes attending Latin Masses but won't judge me for occasionally wearing pants and shorts, liking the things I do, and that would be to pray for me (and other over-25 singles) as I wait for the next phase of my life to begin. Does such a community exist?

This post was just scratching the surface. There are so many layers that I didn't get into because we would be here all day. Again, I'm not blaming people for my feeling like I'm on the fringes of the Church and like I can't find a solid community in which I can feel like I belong. It's just my own thing that I have to work through this summer. It hasn't helped that I've spent the last 5 years (or longer if you count the years in which my anxiety was so bad that I couldn't leave the house) sick and that it's made it harder for me to try to socialize or get to Masses that don't make me cringe. We also don't live in a great neighborhood so I try to be home before it gets too dark and most of the socializing events happen late, especially after the 7 p.m. Latin Mass on Sundays. If there was a Latin Mass that both Mom and I could attend on Sundays that wasn't so late, it would be easier and perhaps I could find more likeminded people. Before you locals suggest it, no, we can't make it to the 10 a.m. Mass at St. Felipe or the noon Mass at St. Therese because Mom works on Sundays until after both Masses are over and all other Masses are too far for me to drive (I don't ever drive on the freeways).

If you're feeling particularly charitable today, please feel free to donate to the FSSP LA building fund so that they can get their parish quicker and more Latin Masses can be offered throughout the day. People like me, with limited transportation and other options, that love Latin Masses would appreciate it. The priests are fantastic and I have a feeling they'll help establish a great community that is very much needed in L.A.

Alright, that's it for now. It's already 97 degrees at 25 minutes to 1 p.m. and my hands and feet are already suffering from being in hottest part of our apartment (my home office is west-facing with no shade from anything). I hope those of you who will be in cities/towns over 85 degrees stay cool!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

 

Update: I AM Alive, Just Busy

I've been asked why I haven't blogged in over two weeks. The short, straight to the point answer: I've been very busy. I have two more weeks before finals start (in fact, my full day of final exams is in exactly 3 weeks) and this is when the professors load us with an insane amount of work. Throughout the semester the majority of the professors have fallen behind schedule and now they're trying to catch up which is more stressful for us. I had to read an entire 400+ book in a week. Well, I was supposed to finish it but I didn't because it's insane for a professor to assign us work as if it were the only class we were taking. I have a paper due tomorrow for Lit class and an exam early in the morning for my Intro to Catholicism class so I can't spend too much time blogging today but I thought a quick update would be good for now.

I have many posts that I started and do plan on publishing as soon as they are completed. Topics included in those posts: the Latin Mass (which I finally attended last week), St. Therese sacrifice beads, more updated on my life at a CINO (Catholic in Name Only) college, NaNoWriMo (see, I HAVE been writing something), novel (and sequel) update, and one on the 54 day Rosary novena I finished (as well as the one I just started). Don't know when I'll have the posts up but they will be up soon-ish. Let me finish reading all the books assigned, finish writing all the papers due, and basically catch up in time for finals and the posts will be written on a regular basis once again.

Alright, I need to finish my paper of Ovid's Metamorphoses so this is all for now.

I hope y'all are having a great week thus far.

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!

So... Did You Hear I was a Heretic?

This picture sums up my reaction to that completely unnecessary argument between sedevacantists and myself. You know it's a sad time when Catholics go after each other. I mean, I know why I would get attacked... I acknowledge that Pope Benedict XVI is the Pope and I love that he's trying to bring back some pre-Vatican II things, like the Latin Masses. I have loved Pope Benedict XVI since he became our Pope, way before people started warming up to him. I just felt like he would do a great job. So far, I do believe he has done a lot of good for the Church though I am still learning here (remember, though, that I just came back to the faith not too long ago). This is where the sedevacantists will fight with me.

"He's an anti-Pope!", "He's heretical!", "Anyone who follows him is a heretic that will burn in hell!" Please, give me a break! Granted, I do question some things he's done (such as the whole Lutheran church homily controversy) but I like to think that he has done that as a way to extend an olive branch... in hopes that some of them will consider looking into converting or at least into not having such anti-Catholic views. Hey, if it's happening with the Anglican Church (many converting to Catholicism) why can't we hope for Lutherans to do the same?

I do know there is a great division between traditional Catholics and the more progressive *cough*liberal*cough*/cafeteria Catholics, but I don't think attacking each other will ever solve any difference. As I've said many times, I fall in the more conservative, traditional spectrum of Catholicism. I would LOVE to see the Traditional Latin Masses replace the Novus Ordo and I am a definite mantilla (chapel veil) wearer and feel disrespectful when I don't have it on. It makes me sad not to see Sisters wearing their habits on campus of Catholic colleges and universities (oh, I have something coming up on that). That doesn't mean I am going to attack those who love the Ordinary Form Masses or act disrespectful to the Sisters who wear everyday clothing.

I felt really disrespected when I was accuse of being a heretic. The people who accused me of such things did not know me, at all, nor do they know my beliefs (which would take quite a few long posts to get everything written). I was accused of wholeheartedly embracing Vatican II which I have never discussed (on whether I agree or disagree) with anyone... in person or online. When I made a comment on a friend's Facebook status about how we shouldn't expect Pope Benedict XVI to magically change the Church back overnight, I was rebutted with the argument that if he "were the real Pope", he would do it without a problem. He's a man, not a magician. While he is acting as God's representative on earth, he's not actually God. He does not have the power to will people to change. God doesn't even do that! (I won't go into the Free Will debate; at least not tonight.) With how progressive the world is today, and seeing how rapidly secularism is spreading across once great Catholic countries, it's going to be a difficult uphill battle for Pope Benedict XVI and for his successors. I do think it can happen, but it won't be easy.

In a nutshell, this way of thinking (and other thoughts that I have not discussed with others) makes me a heretic. *shakes head* As I said on my Facebook status a few days ago, I refuse to get into any more of these arguments because I am not a broken record nor do I aspire to be one (she says ever so sassily. lol) It's the same arguments over and over again. Apparently I was not the only one who had this problem recently (a few other friends had similar situations as well) and we've all pretty much decided to tune them out. It's not going to do anyone any good to fight over this.

This is all I'm going to write about the topic. I am not going to badmouth anyone. I am not going to single out people. This is not an attack on anyone. I'm just sharing my experience and thoughts on the experience. I avoid drama like the plague (though all bets are off with my guy friends who treat me like a sister, though that's mostly teasing and really lame inside jokes... long story, lol) so I am not going to go into this topic with anyone again.

To end this blog on a better note... I do have a dream post coming up soon which relates to the topic I wrote about yesterday. I am not quite done thinking about it (had a busy day today) but hope to soon. :D

Alright, this busy little bee needs to get some sleep. It's nearly 1 a.m. in the morning (technically this post was written in two days) and I have to get up in a few to study and do exams before I go visit some pretty awesome Sisters (which I hope to write about tomorrow). :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

More Traditional Than Expected?

Every time I go to Mass at the parish where I've gone since I was in my mama's womb, I become just a little more disillusioned with them. The fact that they pretty much skip over the Penitential Rites really bugs me. The clapping, and (sometimes) dancing along, I see during the Alleluia/Gospel Acclamation always makes me cringe. I've had priests (one in particular) look at me when they see I'm not partaking in the clapping most of the parishioners are more than happy to do. I refuse to clap along, sorry. I feel like it's disrespectful to the sacredness of the Mass. More things I don't like: not wearing a skirt or dress to Mass... not wearing a mantilla/chapel veil... not receiving communion... not attending Mass, period. I have been known to cry when I am unable to attend Mass. The more I learn and read about the Church pre-Vatican II, the more I feel like the "outdated rituals" would suit me the best. That doesn't mean that I am against the Second Vatican Council... I just prefer the way things used to be way before my time. Am I more traditional than anyone, including myself, expected?

I have never been to a Latin Mass before but, after learning more about it and watching videos on youtube, I feel like it is the perfect Mass for me. Sadly, they're not really offered within the Los Angeles Archdiocese. Not even Pope Benedict XVI's Motu Proprio Summorum Pontificum has helped that issue here. The nearest parish where they offer Latin Masses is almost an hour away from where I live (for those who aren't familiar with L.A., the county is large and sprawled out). They don't even offer it at the San Fernando Mission anymore! I could go into the whole issue many of us have with Cardinal Mahony, but I won't. All I will say is that I think it's sad that the archdiocese seems to have something against the TLM. If you want to hear more about what's wrong with this archdiocese, go to Joe's blog, Verbum Veritatis in Mahonyland. He expresses himself better than I do on this subject. (P.S. He can attest that I actually wear a mantilla to Mass; he's seen it for himself.)

I have embraced the fact that I have become a traditional Catholic (and I fall in the first group of traditional Catholics according to Fish Eaters). When I started this blog, on Christmas night 2007, I had NO CLUE that my journey returning to the Church would lead me here. For those very few that have read this blog since the beginning, I ask you: did y'all see it coming? I am actually very proud that! While I no longer wear the mantilla my father brought me from Mexico earlier this year (I have decided to not use it until my wedding day), I still wear one. I am proud to wear my mantilla to Mass... even if I'm the only woman under 50 that wears one. I REFUSE to receive communion by the hand. I'm usually one of the very few people in my parish who receives the Eucharist directly in the mouth. I wouldn't mind seeing altar rails brought back to the parish, though I won't hold my breath on that one. I'm not even going into the music played during Mass because I will never stop writing (St. Cecilia would be proud. :D)

I've read recent articles (which I cannot find at the moment, I need to organize my bookmarks) that say that statistics and surveys have shown that my generation (those in their late 20s and younger) seem to be more traditional than previous generations. Yes! Most, if not all, my Catholic friends are traditional, so I believe the articles. So will I be one of several that, with the help of Pope Benedict XVI, get their wish fulfilled and see parishes allow more Latin Masses to be said? Will we slowly see beautiful mantillas return? Only time will tell... but I am certainly hoping it happens.

Though I want to write more, I will stop for now and pick it up sometime in the future. Maybe next time I'll have the links ready. lol. ;) I am off to prepare myself for tomorrow's Philosophy course. Another round of "Oh no you di'nt" discussions with my professor? We'll see. :D I hope y'all are having a great start of week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!

Back from Break; Nomination; Fr. John on CNN; TLM in L.A.?!

Sorry it's taken me a while to post anything. I took a couple of days to get my homework out of the way early, as well as pray and meditate about a few things. And, no, I don't mean meditate in the crossed legged, "Ohm" way. I found myself so wrapped up in my school work and what's going on with my parents (both are sick and it's a bit of a stressor for me), that I was sort of losing myself. I'm glad I can recognize when that begins to happen so I can stop it as soon as I can. Even though I was attending Mass more often, I wasn't praying as much. I decided to take a break to get myself back to where I was. It was a little hard for me the first two days because I still focused on school (a lot of deadlines) but I found time to do some thinking and just begin to take care of myself. Ironically, it took a really stupid moment (don't ask; it's quite embarrassing) yesterday for me to really get clear answers on everything that I wanted to think about. I was actually going to take an additional 2 days to just relax but I was asked to come back by a couple of people for various reasons. I'm definitely planning on taking a day or two days (per week) to do what I did this week. I've enjoyed not having to worry about emails and everything else online.

One of the things I was surprised to see when I came back online... this blog's nomination for a 2009 Cannonball Award for "Best New Kid on the Block" on The Crescat. I will refrain from making any New Kids on the Block jokes... though I am very tempted to. lol. Though I've technically had this blog for over 12 months, it wasn't until about June of last year that this blog was read by people outside my circle of friends. I guess that makes me "new"? lol. Either way, thank you to whoever nominated the blog! :D I greatly appreciate it. I don't think I'll win (LOLSaints is pretty funny :D) but that's okay. :D It makes me happy to know that people actually enjoy this blog... and that they actually visit more than once. lol. I've always nominated a few blogs myself on that list (Jesus Goes to Disney World, Fallible Blogma, Per Fidem, and A Maiden's Wreath you are all awesome and need to be recognized for it). Oh, and btw, I've noticed most people refer to this blog as Catholic Nerd Writer, and not Journey of a Catholic Nerd Writer. Should I drop the "Journey of" part? Comments are welcomed.

Oh, and another thing I was happy to see was Fr. John (my priest) being recognized for everything he's been doing for the parish. Just this past Sunday he held a meeting for all English speaking parishioners to suggest things we wanted/needed for the parish. There an article at CNN (as well as an upcoming story on the channel -- being aired on their "American Morning" program on April 30th) regarding his help to those in the community who are in danger of having their homes foreclosed. Though I do not (and have not) live(d) in or near Pacoima, I think what Fr. John is doing is above and beyond what a lot of other priests would do. It really makes me, and quite possibly others, really think about being more altruistic and really putting God's words into action. *happy sigh* I LOVE our parish priests (and have mentioned all three numerous times in this blog) and the whole community of Mary Immaculate because of the wonderful people that are part of it. This is why I'm willing to get up super early and then make that drive to it. There are a few parishes closer by but I've been going there since I was in my mama's belly and now you can see why. :D And, even better news, we're an Extraordinary Form parish. :D

And while I'm on the topic of Masses, I was recently informed by numerous people (yes, I do read your emails even when I don't update this blog :D) that there will be a Traditional Latin Mass in West Hollywood on May 1st. I had to pinch myself because these Masses are becoming rare within the Los Angeles Archdiocese. My parents will more than likely NOT want to go (*sigh* I'm still working on them...) but I have a feeling that a good friend and fellow Philosophy of Ethics classmate will want to go with me. If not, I think I can probably find someone to go with. (Luckily, I'm close enough to St. Victor's to take a cab if I end up having no ride). If you are in the L.A. area, or are willingly to take a drive up/down here, you can find info on Joe's blog. I'll be honest and say that I've NEVER attended a TLM (only seen it on TV) so I'm very excited about it. :D

Alright, that's enough for now. I have a lot to write but will give it in small doses. lol. That, and I have to go pick up my new glasses at the optometrist. lol.

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D
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