How Three Saints Helped Me Figure Out What Was Most Important to Me

During these last couple of days (really, weeks) of my *number redacted* year of life, one question keeps coming up:

“What’s most important to you?”

It started a few weeks ago when I knew that the direction my novel was headed was not the one I wanted to take it. A lot of writers say, “I started it like this but the characters developed and the story changed so I went with it.” And it’s true. Most of the time, we start off with an idea and it develops into something else… but that doesn’t mean we have to keep it that way if it’ll betray the original message/theme. I couldn’t continue writing novel four knowing, deep down, that I couldn’t write this particular story without a key element that was necessary. That’s all I’ll say to keep spoilers out. 

It was interesting that at the same time, I could hear Christ inviting me to spend more time with Him. I wanted more time in adoration, even if it was through virtual means. I wanted to dive deeper into Scripture in a way I had never done, not even as a Biblical Theology grad student. I just wanted more time with Him, so much so that I’ve even started dreaming about him and surprising saints I knew nothing about until I woke up and Googled them. 

Jesus. St. Benedict. St. Joan of Arc. St. Angela Merici. They have been my companions during this time. Each teaches me a different thing that is helping me answer the question: what’s most important to me.

With St. Benedict, it’s the importance of obedience and silence. Being obedient to help root out the sin of pride and to foster humility. I will never forget hearing that demons and the devil never appear with knees because kneeling is a sign of humility, which they lack and hate. As for silence, while God has given me a gift for words (or so I’ve been told), I’ve often gotten into trouble because of these words that I sometimes don’t think through. I also can’t hear the voice of my Beloved if I have all the excess background noise drowning him out.

St. Joan of Arc is teaching me about courage and piety. I’m still learning more about her — something I should’ve done the day I found out my birthday fell on her feast day — but I can’t help be in awe of the incredible courage she had. To lead an army at such a young age, at a time when it was unheard of a woman fighting for her country and, really, God. To have the courage to do God’s will and do it with such humility and piety is something that I’m still light years from achieving. Knowing that being a consecrated virgin will mean being more “public” and a visual representation of the Church (in a way), means I’m going to have to have St. Joan-like courage as the Church and the vocation are under constant attacks.

St. Angela Merici is teaching me how to cultivate the virtues I’ll need to live a life as a consecrated virgin. Did you know that the young women who joined the order she founded had to be consecrated virgins? I didn’t! Not religious but living in the world and helping shape young women to raise holy families and future saints. She emphasized celibacy, obedience, and poverty, all of which have become important to me, even before I started learning more about her. I’ve also been struck by her love of Christ. 

And all these saints lead me back to Christ. What’s most important to me? To always have Christ in my heart and on my mind. Each of the aforementioned saints lead me back to Christ and the vocation of consecrated virginity. 

I want to dive deeper into Scripture to better know and understand the Faith. 

I want to spend more time with Jesus because, just as a young woman in love, I want to get to know Him better and unite my heart more closely to His. 

I want to learn to be more obedient to both God’s Will and in preparation of what my bishop will ask of me as a CV. 

I want to learn to embrace more silence as it’s the only way I will be able to clearly hear the voice of my Beloved. 

I want to learn to be courageous as I will need to stop running away from anything that remotely resembles disagreement. 

I cannot be a CV and run away from hard questions and a harder (but incredibly fulfilling) way of life that attracts ridicule and disdain. 

I need to learn to cultivate the virtues that will help me both in my relationship with Christ and in my vocation. I cannot be a CV and bring scandal to the Church through either my words or my actions. 

For the tl;dr crowd: what’s most important to me is Christ and my vocation. I want to live my life in a way that honors Him. I want to spend eternity with Him. I want to do God’s will with obedience and humility, both of which I’ll have to struggle to do all my life as I’ve always been incredibly independent and have a strong rebellious streak when I feel forced to do something I don’t want. And pride? That will always be a struggle as well as it can come up in a variety of ways.

Anyway, just a few thoughts bouncing around in my mind these days. 

I’m going to try to embrace a little bit more of that silence on this last day of Rogation before Ascención Thursday so I’ll end my post here. 

I hope you’re all doing well! 

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! 

Embracing Femininity While Blind: Makeup, Dresses, & the Fear of Vanity

 “Okay, but is it vain of me to want this?”

This has been my perpetual question this year as I’ve begun trying to slowly ease my way back into “normal” things I haven’t been able to do in years… including having to replace a majority of my wardrobe and embracing parts of my femininity that I haven’t had a chance to do in years.

Fair warning to my male readers: I don’t know how much you’ll enjoy this post as I’m going to talk about clothing and makeup for the majority of the post. If you’re intrigued about what us ladies go through or have daughters and want to know what they may deal with when they get older, you can go ahead and read this. There isn’t anything scandalous in this post that I wouldn’t say in front of a priest.

Wardrobe:

I’m the type of person who buys a piece of clothing and wears in for years, until it’s no longer useable. Most of my clothes are/were on its last legs and with my weight gain (much appreciated after battling with being underweight for years prior to my health diagnoses), I’ve had to slowly replace my wardrobe. My style has changed a lot since I last purchased the vast majority of my wardrobe — going from preferring jeans to dresses and skirts — so I’ve had to figure out how to purchase things that will not only fit me and my style… but also do it with my visual impairment. I’ve had to rely heavily on friends and my mom for this because of obvious reasons. But this hasn’t been the most challenging part. I’m still slowly replacing things and have a way to go but I know I will still rely heavily on others to be my eyes and tell me what does and does not fit; what fits my standards of modesty and what doesn’t. 

Makeup: 

Do you know how hard it is to do your makeup with a visual impairment? Holy wow! If it wasn’t for the inspiration I got from a lovely lady who is completely blind (whereas I’m legally blind but have a little bit of residual sight) and still does her makeup (and well!) I probably wouldn’t have bothered trying. Prior to learning that Lucy was still able to embrace that part of her femininity despite her blindness, I thought that part of my life would no longer be relevant to me.

The first big obstacle: skin tone color change

After being determined to learn how to do my makeup despite my visual impairment, I had one big obstacle: figuring out my skin tone color. I was very much a light, cool undertone (used C1-2-3 in L’Oreal’s True Match products) and was very pale because of my chronic anemia and low platelets. While I’ve always been on the lighter side of the skin tone spectrum, I didn’t know what my color would be now that I’m no longer sickly pale. 

So, I did the research. I went on the website to my preferred makeup brand (L’Oreal) and I used their virtual makeup app to “apply” different shades. I then sent a ton of screen caps of different shades to my friend, Edith, and had her help me figure out which shade best suit me. After narrowing down the colors, I got a couple to try and had my mom see which shade fit me best after applying it and having it dry. I found out I’m now a N4-5; a light-medium neutral undertone… which helped me with the next task… helping me figure out my seasonal palette.

Second big obstacle: a new seasonal color palette

Knowing that I was no longer considered a “cool” undertone explained a lot, including why my dress for my Oblation ceremony didn’t look as well as it did when I first tried it on. It was a darker sky blue with white polka dots. It looked great when I first purchased it… before I got super tanned. On the way to Clear Creek Abbey, I sat in the front passenger seat and got very tanned without realizing it. I hadn’t had a tan since maybe my early 20s so I didn’t think I could no longer wear all the colors in the Dark/Deep Winter seasonal color palette.

I did some digging to see if I was now considered a warm undertone (despite being neutral in makeup) but the various quizzes I did and the websites I visited kept giving me colors that didn’t actually look good on me. Based on my hair and eye color (both dark brown) and other factors, I kept getting Dark/Deep Autumn as a my seasonal color… but only about a third to a half of the colors suit me (according to those who helped me with this). On the flip side, I wasn’t supposed to look good with a a majority of the Dark/Deep Winter colors but about half to two-thirds still fit me.

The “Eureka!” Moment: Neutral, Light Olive Tone with Dark/Deep Seasonal Palette

I was perplexed until i stumbled across a YouTube video (https://youtu.be/uEYWhFYTEcE) by Audrey Coyne that helped me figure out that the reason why I always had issues with makeup (even before my visual impairment) and wardrobe colors was because I was neither a true cool or warm undertone… and that I was a light olive tone which tends to run neutral with a slight leaning towards cool when not tanned. And that’s when the pieces fell together — why I never found the right foundation or lipstick shade for me; why I was having trouble with recent wardrobe colors I could once pull off. It was my “Eureka!” moment that set me off on the path that has begun fulfilling my journey to “adorn” (my randomly-chosen word of the year) myself better.

On Ms. Coyne’s recommendations, I began looking up celebrities she suggested as having true olive skin (note: olive doesn’t always mean tan and can range from pale olive tone to dark olive tone). I found a kindred spirit in both Audrey Tautou (for winter months) and Nina Dobrev (most of the year) and saw what colors they wore to get an idea of what could work for me. I found that I can dip into both the Dark/Deep Autumn and Winter color palettes and that I can no longer pull off most blues, greens, and yellows which the majority of my wardrobe consisted of in recent years.

I started getting makeup (still L’Oreal for now as well as some Honest Beauty Co. and Burt’s Bees while I get used to figuring out how to apply and where). I started practicing on how to do things despite not being able to see details and some colors (this is where I rely heavily on my mother for concealer correction for dark spots). I’ve enjoyed the process… so much so that it made me want to up my skin care routine. 

Here’s my first attempt at applying makeup (dans eyebrow color) while visually impaired (and the first time I wore makeup in years):

Third big obstacle: worrying about $$$ and whether my new journey was vanity

I’ve tried many things to help with my skin care but only one thing worked. I used it for years… until I realized that I could no longer purchase things from them. For the first time in over a a decade, I had to try something new. I broke out for the first time in years. Add my hormones changing  as my recovery process continues and you’ve got a big mess. I kept hearing good things about brands that were more expensive but worked so I decided to dip into my paltry savings from my last paycheck (from months ago) and I purchased a cleanser from La Roche-Posay. I loved it but it only worked temporarily. I found out they had other products that would work better for my skin  and got excited… until I saw the price tags. Ouch. Mom encouraged me to get a couple of the basics — a cleanser and a moisturizer (which I learned I still need despite having oily skin for the first time since my early 20s; before I got sick) — and chalk it up as a birthday gift. The price tag made my eyes water but I got them anyway. Well, for a couple of hours. I ended up canceling the order from Amazon because it was all too expensive for me. Back to my wish list the items went. I began to be consumed with both guilt of the cost (especially knowing our financial situation) and the worry that I was falling into vanity. And the latter is nothing new. 

I’ve wrestled with the fear that dressing nicely, wearing makeup, and taking care of my skin will lead me down a path of vanity… if I’m not already there. 

See, I used to be incredibly vain. I was never the “pretty one” but I was always “tall, lanky, pretty hair, and big pretty eyes.” Those comments made me vain. I played up my features that got compliments and that would only feed that monster. Then I got sick. And lost my eyesight… and hair… and those “envious” long lashes and full eyebrows I always got compliments on. 

Pre-diagnosis, I’d lost my hair in clumps and had large bald spots all over. My hair was thin and brittle. In recent months, my hair has grown back but it’s different now. It’s as thick as it once was but now it’s coming in literal waves instead of straight. I have no idea how to style it but I’ll learn. Here’s an actual picture of what my hair now looks like freshly washed… and that’s with conditioner.

My eyelashes are now short and thin; long gone are the thick black eyelashes that needed no mascara (except clear). And my eyebrows? Gone. I’ll share pictures of when I was 22 (picture in red shirt) vs a screen cap from a recent private video I shared with a handful of people (taken earlier this month) so you can see the difference. 

I can’t see the difference but knowing there’s a difference… it makes me want to embrace that side of my femininity that has gotten neglected. But, again, I fear that it’s vanity.

If I’m being honest, I think it’s a mix of some potential vanity but also wanting to look my best for better reasons. I don’t want to look sick or draw attention to myself for the wrong reasons. I want to look nice and put together. I noticed that when I put on the bit of mineral foundation and the tinted lip balm when I go outside, I don’t feel as self-conscious and I’m able to enjoy the sunshine and the exercise (I only go out for doctor appointments or to get some vitamin D while walking back and forth in front our apartment). I obviously don’t worry about dressing to impress or wearing makeup to look nice for anyone else so that part of my former vanity is gone… but the fear of relapsing into that is still there.

How does one balance wanting to look nice and presentable while keeping vanity at bay? How does one “adorn” oneself and embrace beauty (because beauty is also a gift from God) and have it be done in the right mind frame? And most importantly (for me): how does a reformed tomboy who once prided herself on not wearing makeup embrace her now natural inclination for dresses and skirts and (gasp!) wanting to wear makeup without worrying about vanity? Oh! And how do I get over the guilt of spending so much on good quality items? Those last two are the big ones for me. 

Ladies, I’m all ears as this is all brand-new territory for me. I’m not asking for makeup brand suggestions though I will take good, high quality dress shop suggestions. I just want to know how y’all balance all of this. As I said, I was a tomboy growing up. I played sports. I lived in jeans and t-shirts for most of the year and rarely wore dresses and skirts. I’ve worn makeup up on and off but have always been super low maintenance about it. Now it’s the opposite, except maybe the makeup. I’m keeping that to the basics: mineral foundation (as I don’t have the eyesight for anything more), concealer for under eye circles and post-acne dark spots, blush, mascara, and (soon to try) eyebrow color. All of that I will learn through practice… but I want to know how to prepare my heart for these things and let go of scruples (if they count as such) regarding these topics.

Anyway, this blog post is sufficiently long so I’ll stop here.

Again, any suggestions or thoughts y’all may have that could help me out would be greatly appreciated.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

A Break from Novel Four

 

(Originally posted on my Instagram account this afternoon.)

I’ve been on a creative kick that has allowed me to work out a lot of gaps in the novel that I needed to figure out. It’s been wonderful & on some days I’ve felt like I didn’t have enough hours to write. & then I hit a major case of writer’s block today that started stressing me out. 

“I have a deadline! I have my heart set on getting it published on May 27th! Why now?!”

Through the words of Ven. Fulton Sheen (who was speaking on my “best friend in Heaven”, St. Therese), I realized that this break was a gift from God for several reasons.

I was straying off the path I wanted to take this novel in order to not “alienate” potential readers. Instead of speaking the truth, I was tiptoeing around certain topics to avoid “triggering” people.

I saw pride rearing its ugly little head in having one more accomplishment, despite my visual impairment, that I could boast about.

After praying None, I was reminded of a conversation I had with my spiritual director several weeks ago. The current version of novel is entirely different from when I started. I didn’t like the message it was giving so I took it to prayer. After the Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati novena, the new direction became clear & it worked for several weeks… until I started straying again. It didn’t really hit me until I couldn’t figure out how to bridge the midpoint of the novel to the ending.

I think God may be calling me to take a little break to pray. I know feelings can lead us astray but I feel a desire to take this novel to prayer — more specifically to sit in silence before the Blessed Sacrament — & let Him guide me as to what to do with it. 

“It’s not ready” are the words I hear from my Beloved in the deepest parts of my heart. “Take a break & spend time with Me. This is more important.”

So, that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to take a break from writing. Now that I know EWTN has a live adoration feed, I’m going to spend some time in contemplative silence & be with Him. I don’t know what will happen in the future but I don’t believe anything bad will come from this. On the contrary, I believe this is far more important “work” than what I’ve been doing the last couple of months.