Oh, My Love!

Every consecrated virgin’s journey is different, even if all end up having the blessing of calling Christ their Spouse. While I’m not (yet) one, my journey has also been a unique one. 

Some CVs (and religious, for that matter) never dated. I did. I was in a relationship with one guy for almost two years. I was proposed to, twice. As I’ve already mentioned in previous posts, there was someone in my life at the time when I could no longer deny that I was being called to properly discern this vocation. I didn’t date a lot (at least not by modern standards) but I dated enough to know that I really didn’t like it. 

A former spiritual director dissuaded me from making the choice to stay single at an earlier age because of how I disliked dating. We had that conversation when I was in my 20s. He said it was a necessary evil if I wanted to be sure of my vocation. I think it was the best advice I could’ve been given (at the time) because I had to really date with the right mind frame (dating with purpose instead of dating for fun) to know that what my heart longed for was much greater than what I was finding. 

And this is not me throwing dirt on the guys I dated. Some of the guys were really great. Some weren’t the best but they helped me grow as a person and for that I’m grateful. One left me with wounds that took time to heal, but they healed. All made me appreciate the vocation of marriage as a Sacrament, rooted in Christ. 

This journey has not been easy as I am still human and one who feels things deeply at that. It would be dishonest for me to say that I’ve had no temptations to stop the discernment along the way. There have been two very rough periods in the discernment that I seriously questioned continuing. It’s something I didn’t share with anyone but SD and one of my best friends at the time. That and I’ve always been notoriously private about things until I’m ready to talk about them in the past tense. 

Thankfully, I was able to quickly see it for what it was (a temptation) and was able to move from it through prayer and honest vulnerability. That promptly quashed the thoughts and feelings and that is how I’ve learned to place distance and add more prayer during these situations. The enemy knows my weak point as a sensitive, emotional person who feels things deeper than most. Getting me to feel things deeply is one of (if not *the*) the easiest ways to derail me from this path, even if it’s just a slight detour. It’s something I’ve learned (and keep learning) how to best manage through prayer and unreserved honesty with my spiritual director  

There is one thing that is certain: no matter what (or who) has come up in the last 2+ years of this discernment journey, the conclusion is always the same: I’m not called to marriage and no one will be able to fulfill that longing in my heart but Christ. That has been made abundantly clear. I’m not called to be a wife. I’m not called to biological or adoptive motherhood either, though I am quite maternal and love children. Furthermore, the desire I once had for marriage and a family of my own have been replaced by a desire to do what I can for others, on a larger scale — a larger family than an immediate one. I cannot imagine myself not being there for anyone who needs me, even if that person tries to take out their pain and frustration on me in the process. 

I don’t have much to add beyond that. I’m still coming out of the spiritual desert so I’m not going to write anything I don’t feel (have we established I’m an emotional person? lol) and I’m afraid the logical parts won’t be worth writing/reading. 

I mean… well, I guess I could give it a go… I’m not used to writing unless I feel it so let’s see how it goes…

Though I don’t currently *feel* it, I know that no earthly man will ever make me happy like Christ will. No marriage is perfect and all have their crosses and a mystical one with Christ won’t be too different. The only difference is I’m such a sinful creature and am 1000% not worthy of being called His bride while He is the perfect Spouse. I won’t have someone there with me to help me carry the crosses I don’t feel strong enough to carry by myself, but I know that God will provide the help I need when I need it. While I struggle with the feeling of loneliness (yes, even as an introvert), I know that I have a greater community and support system that will be there when I need them. Logically, I know that I’ll be okay and that God will give me the graces necessary to fulfill my vocation and provide whatever else I may need. I don’t currently *feel* it. And that’s okay.

 I don’t have to feel to know. I know, big words from little Miss Sensitive over here. Lol. I haven’t spent the last 2 years and 3 months going solely on feeling. Yes, there have been strong feelings of love and consolation but God is allowing me to live part of this discernment process in the spiritual desert to remind me that I don’t *have to* feel to know that Christ is the only Spouse I’ll ever need. Despite not currently feeling it, I know that this vocation journey has made me sure (as certain as I can be without the official ceremony having taken place) that I voluntarily choose Him as my Spouse and that I choose to give up a possibility of marriage and family for a love greater than I will probably ever understand. I choose to love others and help others see Christ, as His most unworthy bride. I choose to die to myself and give my selfish wants and desires for the Kingdom and His greater glory. 

And that’s how I’m ending this post. It wasn’t exactly what I had originally planned to write but that’s what came out. 

And sorry if the that last long paragraph was a bit of a downer but, like I said, I wrote it from a place of understanding and peace (after years of prayers and discernment) as opposed to feeling. 

For those who are celebrating St. Valentine’s Day with a significant other: I hope you have a wonderful day with your special person.

For those who are celebrating with friends and/or family: hooray for love in all its forms! Enjoy the day!

For those who are longing for a spouse or are nursing a broken heart: this feeling isn’t forever. Pray for your future spouse or for the one who is no longer in your life. 

No matter how or even if you’re celebrating the day, I hope it’s a lovely one and that are reminded of His eternal love. 

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!