I’m Coming Back Home

I’m coming back home. 

It’s still in the early days but, man, does it feel good to be back. 

I don’t even know what to attribute this new page to. Everyone’s prayers. Bl. Carlo Acutis and St. Therese playing tag-team in the last week; all those roses from St. Therese… with her name on them! A fellow consecrated virgin “in training” (we started our discernment two months apart and she’s also ahead of me in the formal process). The Holy Spirit using everyone and everything… the list can go on and on. The important thing is that I’m coming out of that spiritual desert I’d been trying to survive in.

I first noticed it about two weeks ago but only told my spiritual director about it since I’ve been sharing everything I’ve wrestled with in recent months. Even if I don’t tell anyone else, he gets all the good and bad because he’s helping guide me through this discernment process and it’s so important that he helps me figure out if I’m truly called to the vocation of consecrated virginity lived in the world. But this blog post isn’t about that. It’s about the journey I’ve had these past couple of months. 

I’ve already written about how difficult it’s been. It was the most spiritually arduous thing I’ve had to go through since my reversion in 2006. I saw habitual sins I thought I’d seen the last of in 2008 pop up once again. I found myself reliving a lot of things I’d dealt with pre-reversion. For the first time in over 15 years, I found myself re-living some of the desires and aspirations that the world was offering me prior to me choosing my current path. 

It almost seemed like God was saying, “this is your last chance to live and experience this before you make a life-long commitment. This is what the world offers you. You can be ‘happy’ and you can feel ‘joy’ but it’s all fleeting. You will always be left feeling empty at the end of the day.” I jokingly told my SD it felt like a “Catholic rumspringa” — a last chance to experience things away from the Church before committing myself to it. (side note for those not familiar with what Rumspringa is: in a nutshell, it’s when Amish youth are allowed to live in our modern world so they can decide whether to be baptized in their church or stay out in the world.) 

But the thing is that I was never really away from the Church. I didn’t *feel* it — I didn’t feel close to God, I I didn’t want to pray, and I felt completely numb to everything faith-related — but I kept going. I kept praying. I kept my promises as a Benedictine Oblate. I slipped in other areas of my life but I kept these things even when I was sleep deprived or feeling so sick that I just wanted to sleep through my regular hours. 

It wasn’t until I was coming out that I realized that I was showing my love for God by staying faithful to the promises I’d already made. I’ve already written some of this in the previous blog post so I won’t repeat all of it. Let’s just say that I’m grateful for that journey because it showed me that I could do it — stay as faithful as I can and even make that life-long commitment if Archbishop Gómez agrees that God is calling me to this vocation. 

And that’s saying a lot since those close know I’m incredibly indecisive and am often nervous of committing to something so permanent because I’m afraid of messing up or choosing wrong. But, by doing that, I wasn’t trusting God. It’s not about what *I* can do on my own but what God can do in and through me; what I can do with the graces He gives me. 

There have been three major things that have also helped:

• the daily Mass
• the chaplet of Divine Mercy
• being completely honest and vulnerable with my SD

I’ve unfortunately not been able to get to daily Mass but that doesn’t mean I’m not getting my daily Mass dose. I watch it streaming every day. I figured that simply because I can’t get to one (yet!) doesn’t mean I have to be completely devoid of it. I have my hour (or longer on Sundays) carved out to myself. Even if my neighbors are being their usually noisy selves, I can see enjoy the Mass and sing the hymns. Even if I can’t receive the Eucharist, I can still receive spiritual communion. And this is where my fellow “CV in training” comes in. 

I saw how on fire and in love with Christ she is. It is very inspiring to see. While the temptation for jealousy and comparison was (and is) there, my mind didn’t go there. Instead, I was reminded of how I was in that same position pre-pandemic / pre-health crises. I went to my last daily Mass the Friday before Los Angeles went into lockdown. I was attending daily Mass at least 3x per week (if not more). I went even when I wasn’t feeling my best; when I was already showing signs of an adrenal insufficiency, which I didn’t know about at the time. If it wasn’t for the lockdowns, my emergency gallbladder surgery two months later, the adrenal crises that could’ve been fatal that summer, and the eventual loss of my eyesight, I think I would’ve kept up my routine. 

When I reached that realization, I had a moment of desperation. I wrestled with the idea of playing the bargaining game with God. You know, “If you restore my eyesight, I promise I will try to…” That’s such a dangerous game to play and I’m glad the Holy Spirit was there to remind me not to go there. So, I decided to do the next best thing and stream the daily Mass. I haven’t missed a single one in the last week or so and the changes are very noticeable in that tiny period of time. 

As much as I would’ve loved to have stayed on the path I was on, I still truly believe that I was meant to go through it to grow from it. If I hadn’t walked, stumbled through, cried through, crawled through the desert, i wouldn’t be where I am now. I needed to mature in my spiritual life while being reminded of the good parts of myself that I’d lost over the years. And I’m not even fully there yet. I have a lot of work to do, but I’m going at a slower pace than normal because rushing rarely leads to anything good.

So, that’s where I am right now. I’m coming back home. I’m taking it one day at a time. If I stumble, I seek God’s hand to stand up once again. I’ll keep moving forward. 

Anyway, I just wanted to share that. 

As I mentioned on social media a few weeks ago, I’m taking a short break from writing articles due to my eyesight getting worse lately. That doesn’t mean I’m not working — I’m still busy with my fourth novel — but at least I don’t have the worries of a weekly deadline or pushing myself too much when I know I need to rest. I hope to return to writing in a couple of weeks, once I get an update on how my vision has progressed? regressed, or stalled. You can bet I’m doing frequent novenas to Bl. Carlo in the meantime. 

I hope y’all are doing well and that you’ll be ready for Lent next week (!!!). 

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! 

Oh, My Love!

Every consecrated virgin’s journey is different, even if all end up having the blessing of calling Christ their Spouse. While I’m not (yet) one, my journey has also been a unique one. 

Some CVs (and religious, for that matter) never dated. I did. I was in a relationship with one guy for almost two years. I was proposed to, twice. As I’ve already mentioned in previous posts, there was someone in my life at the time when I could no longer deny that I was being called to properly discern this vocation. I didn’t date a lot (at least not by modern standards) but I dated enough to know that I really didn’t like it. 

A former spiritual director dissuaded me from making the choice to stay single at an earlier age because of how I disliked dating. We had that conversation when I was in my 20s. He said it was a necessary evil if I wanted to be sure of my vocation. I think it was the best advice I could’ve been given (at the time) because I had to really date with the right mind frame (dating with purpose instead of dating for fun) to know that what my heart longed for was much greater than what I was finding. 

And this is not me throwing dirt on the guys I dated. Some of the guys were really great. Some weren’t the best but they helped me grow as a person and for that I’m grateful. One left me with wounds that took time to heal, but they healed. All made me appreciate the vocation of marriage as a Sacrament, rooted in Christ. 

This journey has not been easy as I am still human and one who feels things deeply at that. It would be dishonest for me to say that I’ve had no temptations to stop the discernment along the way. There have been two very rough periods in the discernment that I seriously questioned continuing. It’s something I didn’t share with anyone but SD and one of my best friends at the time. That and I’ve always been notoriously private about things until I’m ready to talk about them in the past tense. 

Thankfully, I was able to quickly see it for what it was (a temptation) and was able to move from it through prayer and honest vulnerability. That promptly quashed the thoughts and feelings and that is how I’ve learned to place distance and add more prayer during these situations. The enemy knows my weak point as a sensitive, emotional person who feels things deeper than most. Getting me to feel things deeply is one of (if not *the*) the easiest ways to derail me from this path, even if it’s just a slight detour. It’s something I’ve learned (and keep learning) how to best manage through prayer and unreserved honesty with my spiritual director  

There is one thing that is certain: no matter what (or who) has come up in the last 2+ years of this discernment journey, the conclusion is always the same: I’m not called to marriage and no one will be able to fulfill that longing in my heart but Christ. That has been made abundantly clear. I’m not called to be a wife. I’m not called to biological or adoptive motherhood either, though I am quite maternal and love children. Furthermore, the desire I once had for marriage and a family of my own have been replaced by a desire to do what I can for others, on a larger scale — a larger family than an immediate one. I cannot imagine myself not being there for anyone who needs me, even if that person tries to take out their pain and frustration on me in the process. 

I don’t have much to add beyond that. I’m still coming out of the spiritual desert so I’m not going to write anything I don’t feel (have we established I’m an emotional person? lol) and I’m afraid the logical parts won’t be worth writing/reading. 

I mean… well, I guess I could give it a go… I’m not used to writing unless I feel it so let’s see how it goes…

Though I don’t currently *feel* it, I know that no earthly man will ever make me happy like Christ will. No marriage is perfect and all have their crosses and a mystical one with Christ won’t be too different. The only difference is I’m such a sinful creature and am 1000% not worthy of being called His bride while He is the perfect Spouse. I won’t have someone there with me to help me carry the crosses I don’t feel strong enough to carry by myself, but I know that God will provide the help I need when I need it. While I struggle with the feeling of loneliness (yes, even as an introvert), I know that I have a greater community and support system that will be there when I need them. Logically, I know that I’ll be okay and that God will give me the graces necessary to fulfill my vocation and provide whatever else I may need. I don’t currently *feel* it. And that’s okay.

 I don’t have to feel to know. I know, big words from little Miss Sensitive over here. Lol. I haven’t spent the last 2 years and 3 months going solely on feeling. Yes, there have been strong feelings of love and consolation but God is allowing me to live part of this discernment process in the spiritual desert to remind me that I don’t *have to* feel to know that Christ is the only Spouse I’ll ever need. Despite not currently feeling it, I know that this vocation journey has made me sure (as certain as I can be without the official ceremony having taken place) that I voluntarily choose Him as my Spouse and that I choose to give up a possibility of marriage and family for a love greater than I will probably ever understand. I choose to love others and help others see Christ, as His most unworthy bride. I choose to die to myself and give my selfish wants and desires for the Kingdom and His greater glory. 

And that’s how I’m ending this post. It wasn’t exactly what I had originally planned to write but that’s what came out. 

And sorry if the that last long paragraph was a bit of a downer but, like I said, I wrote it from a place of understanding and peace (after years of prayers and discernment) as opposed to feeling. 

For those who are celebrating St. Valentine’s Day with a significant other: I hope you have a wonderful day with your special person.

For those who are celebrating with friends and/or family: hooray for love in all its forms! Enjoy the day!

For those who are longing for a spouse or are nursing a broken heart: this feeling isn’t forever. Pray for your future spouse or for the one who is no longer in your life. 

No matter how or even if you’re celebrating the day, I hope it’s a lovely one and that are reminded of His eternal love. 

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!