Friday, April 25, 2014

I'm Having Doubts About... Everything

I'm only a week away from the (tentative at this point) novel release date and 10 days away from starting my courses at Utah State University (go Aggies!)... and I'm having doubts about both paths. These doubts began last week but they've been getting more persistent this week. 

Is the novel even worth publishing? Would anyone want to read it (who isn't a friend)? I know that there won't be much money made. I know that I can use whatever little I make to help pay back a small portion of the student loans... but is it even worth it?

Have I chosen well with the career switch from freelance writing to speech-language pathology? Is it worth the student loans I've had to take out? Despite not having financial security, I did enjoy the freedom I had with freelance writing. Am I absolutely sure that I'd be happy being an SLP?

Those have been just some of the thoughts that have been bouncing around in my mind lately.

If you've been a long time reader of this blog, or even read the first article I wrote for Envoy Magazine a couple of years ago, you know that when my father was alive and sick, I wanted to help him (and people like him). Unfortunately, being a nurse or a doctor didn't suit me because of how squeamish I am in regards to blood and seeing live organs. I didn't know how I could help people with my freelance writing (and I still don't), so when I realized that being an SLP was the right path for me, everything sort of fell into place. I've prayed novenas and I've spent time in front of the tabernacle and I just feel peace when I think about helping others as a speech pathologist.

As for the novel, that's a bit harder. I've spent years writing (and re-writing... and editing...) the novel. Except for the location and the names of the main characters, the novel is not at all what it was when I first began working on it. I've gotten positive reviews (and great suggestions) from my beta readers but it's still a little nerve wrecking to think that it's going to be released for others to read. I've heard this is common for authors (both new and established) so I'm chalking it up to typical pre-release anxiety. Still, I'm proud of what I've written because I feel like my novel touches on topics which aren't often discussed in fiction... or even in real life, despite so many people dealing with similar situations.

Here's one more for you (on a topic I'm usually not comfortable discussing in public): I'm having doubts about my vocation. Well, no... let me rephrase that: I'm not having doubts about what my actual vocation should be but I am having doubts about whether or not the other person involved is the person God has in mind for me or if the person is in my life because God has bigger plans for each of us and we need each other to figure them out. It's a little hard to explain (being so vague) but that's the best way I can explain it with my "no fella talk" rule.

So, why all of these doubts? I'd thought they'd popped up because Lent was going to end but Easter Sunday came and went (and the thoughts stayed), the doubts intensified. There's just one thing that's kept those thoughts from driving me nutty: I keep reminding myself that even St. Therese of Lisieux had thoughts regarding her vocation... and that these doubts will pop up because there's always someone or something (ahem) who will try to derail you from God's plans for you. I'm not saying that I'm 100% sure of God's plans for me (is anyone really?) but I am trusting Him to lead me down the right path.

Trusting while not knowing the outcome of situations is hard. It's something that I'm still working hard at; I'm trying to let go and trust Him though the fear of the unknown has been the cause of my anxiety for several years. Of course, fear and doubts are tools that are often used against people to try to get them to stop trusting God. It's harder to trust and put all your faith in Him than it is to worry and do everything in your power to make sure you get what you want... but that's not how things work. Life is so much more beautiful and fulfilling when you put your faith in God; to remember that He will never lead you astray and that, even if you have a hard life, there's that hope for eternal happiness in Heaven.

Anyway, I just wanted to share this with y'all. I'm sure the thoughts will persist for a while longer but I'm going to keep praying and, even when I'm unsure, I'm just going to keep trusting Him (have I said this enough?). :)

Alright, I need to go run errands so I should wrap this up.

I hope y'all have a great weekend, especially with the upcoming canonizations and Divine Mercy Sunday celebrations. :D If any of y'all have prayer requests, please send them my way.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

1 comment:

Skyline Spirit said...

pretty nice blog, following :)