A Lenten Beginning: Sacrifices, Laments, and a Humble Plan

As I write this, I'm sitting cross-legged on my bed, awaiting the EWTN app on my Roku to turn on so that Mom and I can watch the "live" (read: rebroadcast from earlier) Mass from Rome in a couple of minutes. Since Mom is much more comfortable with the Spanish language, we're going to watch it on the EWTN en Español feed. As you can guess by this action, we were unable to get to Mass today.

We knew that we weren't going to be able to go to the 7 a.m. or noon-time Masses because of the heavy rain predicted for those times but I had hope for the 7 p.m. Mass. Sadly, due to the rain (it apparently hasn't stopped raining all day) and the flooding in the streets, we're going to be stuck at our apartment until possibly Friday. Insert sad panda face here. Thankfully, we stocked up on food and other possible necessities in anticipation of the rain and street flooding so we'll be fine stuck inside for a couple of days.

I really, really wanted to get to confession and Mass today. I wanted those ashes on my forehead. I wanted to start Lent "right." I'm currently fighting back tears from the disappointment and the frustration of it all. I know it's silly but I cannot shake off the feeling that I'm not starting Lent the proper way. Or, at the very least, the way I wanted it to start. It's bad enough that I cannot fast nor abstain from meat. I feel like this penitential season is easier for me than everyone else and it makes me feel like I'm a terrible Catholic as a result. I'm constantly reminded of how my daily life is compromised of continuous sacrifices and penances but it still doesn't seem like enough.

My (once again) vitamin D-deficiency-induced chronic fatigue makes me sacrifice my social life and having a "normal" work life outside the home. It also requires me to swallow my pride and ask for help when I cannot do something myself; something hard for someone as independent and (once) active as I am. I also think that I end up sacrificing my want of a husband and family because these things aren't exactly guy magnets. On the contrary, they scare guys away.

I know my life isn't "easy" but I'm so used to it that I don't even consider it hard. This is because I have the luxury of being able to work from home and thus sleep as much as my body requires it. I have a roof over my head and we've been able to create a household budget to be able to afford the food that helps keep me fed and as healthy as possible. I've chosen to help my mother with the household expenses through whatever freelance writing work I can get. I help take care of her when she needs it but I don't have other responsibilities beyond that. I'm so very fortunate in many ways others aren't.

Sure, I can't go on vacation or buy any material things that I may want. If I want something, I have to work hard and save up for it for months if it requires money. Even then, I think long and hard about whether I truly need it instead of just wanting it. If I don't need it, I end up giving it up for something that is necessary. But I see this all as a part of being an adult; of putting needs ahead of wants.

I guess this is something I have to work on this Lenten season -- being okay with my limitations and letting go of all the things I want to do (or think I need to do).

Humility is my chosen word this Lent; my chosen virtue to work on to combat that wounded pride that my independent and egotistical nature struggles with when I have to admit "defeat"; to admit that I can't do what I want to and do what I can. Lord knows how much this proud gal needs to be humbled and I'm hoping God grants me the graces necessary to become and stay humble. I hope all of this will make me be more open to His plans and will for my life; that it will make me more worthy of an eternity in Heaven.

I feel like this plan -- to cultivate humility -- was set in motion when I did the 54-day Rosary novena late last year when I asked to become more like our Blessed Mother. In a providential twist, she and St. Therese -- another beautiful model of humility -- became my co-patronesses for the year; my models who have also been my constant companions over the last couple of months. I didn't know why both kept popping up in my life so much but now it's starting to make sense. So, that is what I'm going to do -- look at their lives, learn from them, and work on emulating them this season and beyond. There is also something else -- or, I should say, someone else through a specific devotion -- that I will focus on during Lent that will hopefully help with my focus but it deserve its own blog post so stay tuned for that.

Does anyone else have any particular goals they're working on during Lent?

Anyway, this is it for now. I have some Lenten reflections to get to before it gets any later in the day.

I hope you're all having a good start to the Lenten season.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

The Lent of St. Michael Begins Tomorrow

© Pedro A. Guerrero (aka my big brother).

Has anyone heard of the Lent of St. Michael which begins tomorrow (on the Assumption) and ends of the feast of St. Michael Archangel? I hadn't until today when a long-time online friend (who inspires major mama and vocation goals) said she was going to partake in it. As I am a very curious person, I asked her what it was about and she sent me this link.

For the tl;dr crowd: the gist is that this devotion was started by St. Francis of Assisi since he had a special devotion to both Our Lady and St. Michael Archangel. Since there are 40 days (excluding Sundays) between the feast of the Assumption and Sr. Michael's feast, it became like a second Lent. Just like the regular Lenten time, you pray and fast, only this time you do it in honor of Our Lady and St. Michael. During this time you "... are made mindful of the facts of our own resurrection on the Last Day and also of our subsequent Judgment" since St. Michael will be the one who will awaken the dead on the Last Day (Judgment Day).

As I am personally going through some confusing times and am trying to get my spiritual life back on track, I think this will be good for me. I don't know what I'm going to "fast" from quite yet but I still have a couple of hours to think about it. With the state of this country (and, really, the world in general) perhaps some of you will also be interested in partaking in this.

Anyway, just a heads up for y'all. Please let me know if you're going to do it as well. It wouldn't hurt, especially if you feel as if you need a "second chance" like I do.

I have less than two weeks to finish my novel and I still have to flesh it out a bit so... back to work!

I hope you're all having a lovely start of the week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!  :D

Lent with a Limited Diet

I can't fast during Lent. I couldn't fast before because of this hypoglycemic-type illness that I inherited from my mom, but I really can't fast these days because I need the calories. I am medically excused from fasting... and I'm actually also excused from abstaining from meat (as I was last year) because chicken is one of the few things I can eat without problems. Trust me, I asked a priest last year (I've had the same problem for a year and a half now) because of how limited my diet was/is and I was told that I can eat chicken if it's the only way that I can get my calories in. I need at least 1860 calories per day to gain weight, which is not easy if you can't eat all foods.

Before anyone starts listing what I "can" eat, saying that I have other options, please don't. I appreciate it but you guys don't know just how much I struggle with foods right now. I've tried high calorie every food I can think of and I've have problems with a number of them, mostly sensitivities to the foods that aren't quite allergies but bad enough for me to feel sick.

I can't eat fish because my tongue got a bit swollen the last time I tried it. I can't eat quinoa because it wrecks my stomach. I have some sensitivities to avocado so I can't eat 'em. Soy bloats me. Basically, I can't eat a number of things because of how bad my stomach currently is, most fruits included. I can't eat or drink any dairy or eggs because I have allergies to them. Trust me, I struggle to get my calories in on a daily basis so it's even more difficult during Lent so I am trying to stay away from chicken on Fridays.

Since I cannot fast, I have to find another form of penance... which has been not sleeping these days because of my PTSD. I actually did sort of do a form of penance yesterday for eating on Wednesday. I won't be able to do the same penance on Good Friday but I'll ask my spiritual director for some help. It's hard though. I don't like that I'm sort of excluded from participating in the fasting because of my stomach problems. Prior to my stomach problems, it was easier. I could eat pasta and other good foods. Now? I can't because of how acidic most of them are. It's a pain but it's what I have to go through.

I'm sharing this because of the comments about "not trying hard enough" or not wanting to "suffer" during Lent. It's off but, you know, some people who don't know will assume and I wanted to set the record straight. To recap: I am medically excused from fasting because of limited my diet is but I still try to stay away from meat unless it's the only way I can get my calories in. At the moment, I can get my calories in on Fridays without meat but if there's ever a chance that I can't, I know I'm good.

And, if you're wondering, yes, I will confess any meat consumed during Lent (such as on Ash Wednesday because I didn't have anything to eat... and I still came under my calorie count). I know I'm excused but I still feel guilty... in a good way. I say in a good way because I hope it means that I care.

Anyway, this is today's blog post. I was kind of stumped about what to write so I sort of wrote this on a quick whim. I'll try to think of better topics. ;)

I'll be back tomorrow... even if all I do is post some of my favorite Catholic themed memes found on tumblr. lol. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

Happy Fat Tuesday; Lent Plans.

Doesn't my first attempt at vegan pancakes look pretty successful, especially since I winged it when it came to the recipe? Since I am allergic to dairy and eggs, I have to improvise many dishes that contain these ingredients. I used almond milk as a substitute for regular milk (you can also use soy or rice milk; I am not a fan of either) and applesauce to replace the eggs. The pancakes came out really good and fluffy so I was a happy camper. Since I forgot to get some maple syrup, I used honey... which was still so good. :) If anyone wants to try them, let me know. Though I winged it, I still have exact details on how many cups of this and tablespoons of that to use. :)

Well... Happy Fat Tuesday everyone! I know some of my friends from England and Ireland call it Shrove Tuesday, which I occasionally call it too just because it sounds nicer than Fat Tuesday, lol. I have made pancakes for the family today. I have been blessed with the gift of being able to make dishes from scratch and have them coming out quite edible. lol. I know the secular world is treating today as a gluttonous "holiday" in which they can eat and drink whatever they want because they want, but they don't know what the actual day is all about. If you're not sure where Mardi Gras' roots come from, you can read about it here.

I am not stuffing myself today because a) my impressive eating habits are out of whack at the moment and b) I don't fast during Lent. Now, before you begin to lecture me about how fasting is part of the season, let me explain why I don't, or can't, fast. There are two main reasons why I never go more than a couple of hours without eating... 1) hunger actually worsens the anxiety symptoms and 2) I have inherited my mother's hypoglycemia type illness. If I don't eat at least a small meal every four hours, well... let's just say it's not pretty. You don't want to see a shaking, cold sweating, lightheaded, really weak, nearly fainted me. I've freaked people out before when I've attempted to fast; I get really sick. I will be limiting the amounts of red meat I eat, though, and eating more chicken and tuna. I need some sort of poultry or fish (at the minimum). I can't go with only vegetables, breads, and liquids. I've tried it before. I don't like not fasting along with everyone but the Church excuses me because of my underlying medical restrictions.

"Those who are excused from fast or abstinence Besides those outside the age limits, those of unsound mind, the sick, the frail, pregnant or nursing women according to need for meat or nourishment, manual laborers according to need, guests at a meal who cannot excuse themselves without giving great offense or causing enmity and other situations of moral or physical impossibility to observe the penitential discipline."

If you want to learn more about fasting during Lent, visit this page on EWTN.

Almost everyone I know is giving up something for Lent. Last year I limited my Facebook time. The year before that I gave up football (soccer) matches because they took a lot of my free time. No, really, they did. This year I am giving up my biggest "free time" consumer... Twitter. I'm a social person (online at least; I can't say the same for in person conversations, lol) so it'll be really hard to give up. With all the free time I will have from not tweeting, I will be reading more Catholic literature. Because I will go cuckoo bananas without social interaction (and because many of the friends I used to go out with have moved away from Southern California), I will be keeping touch with everyone via Gmail (and thus Google Buzz) and Facebook.

Oh, and, I'm also giving up non-Catholic literature as well. (side note: books I need to read for my classes are the exception to that.) I am putting Jane Austen on hold and brushing up on theology and saints' biographies. I will also be writing less of my novel (which is fine 'cause I'm practically done anyway) and spending more time blogging. Have you noticed that since I've put the extra effort to finish the novel, I've neglected this blog a bit? Sorry about that. I have a goal for the Lenten season, and it's to write one blog per day. See, I've noticed that the more I blog, the more I keep my focus on my faith. Whenever I have to write about something related to our Catholic faith, I like to research what I don't know (or know little about) so that I can make a good post. And in doing this, I also focus less on myself and my wants. I want to focus on the Lord and on everything Christ did for our salvation during this season. I am also going to think long and hard about the venial sins I commit (bad habits that won't die without a fight) and see what I can do to prevent them from happening.

In a nutshell, I am determined to do things properly this year... as if my mom who's still reverting back to the Church. She's also missing the Latin Masses (which she grew up going to) but I will save that story for a future post. :D

I should get going. I have to add people to Facebook and remind everyone that it will be easiest to get a hold of me through it and through email (which is catholicnerdwriter [at] gmail [dot] com). I also have to figure out what I'm doing tomorrow. I am definitely watching the Mass on EWTN (10:30 a.m EST, 7:30 a.m. PST) because I love watching Pope Benedict XVI giving Masses. :D

I hope everyone isn't too stuffed by now. ;)

As always, thanks for ready and God Bless!

Fasting, Niceness and England.

Well... I did it. I fasted longer than I did last weekend, and it ended in tears. I... am... weak! lol. I tried to hold out as long as I could but about 2 hours ago I just started crying because I was so hungry and hunger apparently makes me emotional. lol. Yeeaah. It's kinda funny. lol. I ate twice earlier today but I just ate to have food in my stomach. I didn't actually eat until I was full. It sucks that all the food in the house either a) makes me sick because I'm allergic to it or b) is meat. Actually, there's a long story there but it's kinda personal so, not going there. :D Anyway, I am going to be SO HAPPY when I get to go vegan/vegetarian shopping tomorrow -- that means I will be grocery shopping at organic stores that specialize in foods for vegans/vegetarians. ABOUT STINKIN' TIME! lol. Okay, I'm going to change topics because I still have like 10 hours before I go shopping and I am still hungry here!

Today was a lovely day and people were being super nice to me for some reason. Not just people I know... but complete strangers. I had the door opened for me by a total stranger, which was nice. What I thought was super nice was the fact that he saw me heading for the door, rushed ahead of me to open it for (he was in another section), and once I was out he went back in the direction he was originally going in. That's never happened to me before. It was very sweet. I also received a pretty out-of-the-blue gift from one of my best friends. I'm surprised it got here so soon because it usually takes a long time for things to get here from England. :D

And, speaking of England... how is it that some of the nicest people I've ever met come from that country or choose to be in that country? I'm serious. Two of my best friends are English and a few of my best American friends are there (or in Scotland) for either school or work. I was chatting with a good friend of mine a few days ago about how we both feel more at home in London, and England as a whole, than we do here in Southern California. I believe he is thinking about living out there sometime in the future. If I ever end up living there, I'd love to live in the English countryside. I'm just in love with Bath and that area. I actually almost attended Bath Spa University (and was very excited about it) but dad got sick, money issues came up and the plans were scrapped. Oh well. I don't regret it because I know I will be out there, even if it's just visiting, the first chance I get.

Just like my love of the Irish culture (which I wrote about 2 entries back), my love of England began at a young age. You can thank the literature for that. :D What I find very funny is that I've dreamt myself in certain parts of England way before I've visited them... or even known about them. In my teens, I had a dream I was vacationing in St. Ives (in Cornwall) years before I saw it on the show Passport to Europe. I remember the first time I watched the episode I went "*jaw drops* I WAS THERE IN MY DREAM!" Just as Samantha Brown was walking around the streets, talking about the town, I saw things I'd seen in my dreams. In another dream a while after my first dream, I saw another thing that was featured in the Cornwall episode of that show... St. Michael's Mount. I still remember the dream and how I was walking on the water, away from the island, and thinking to myself "This is so cool! I hope to come back and do this again someday." I was around 17 years old when I had this year and I didn't see this episode until about a year ago or two. It's very weird but it's the little things like this that make me feel that I'm somehow connected to England. It's comforting too, because I've never felt at home in my hometown so to have a feeling like that with another country is awesome. :D

Alright, well... I am going to go geek out over the music playlist I made on my facebook account. Except for the top 10 songs, I shuffled the rest so it's fun to go through all 70+ songs because I have no idea in what ordered they were shuffled in. :D 'Til next time... thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

Fat Tuesday, Back to the Hospital and Old Friends.

I have eating as much meat as I could today because tomorrow is the first day of Lent and that means no meat! My mom made these really good spicy pork chops and dad made chicken soup so... WHOO! lol. I know I'm excused from fasting because I'm sick (I made sure I knew if I was excused) but I still won't eat meat tomorrow or on Fridays. I actually am fasting for the first 12 hours of the day (I am going to be eating until 11:59 p.m. tonight) but that won't seem like a big deal because I will be sleeping for about 9 - 10 of those hours. lol. I usually don't eat much meat in the first place so abstaining for meat isn't a big deal for me. I have other things to eat. :D I bet restaurants love today because they know the day before Lent is the day everyone goes out and eats all these delicious foods we have to give up for 40 days. ;)

I didn't do much today. I went to vote for the candidate I believe would be a great president and then came home and waited 'til I had my doctor's appointment. I was surprisingly mellow today, in terms of not worrying about the appointment, but I should've probably been nervous because I found out something that made me wig out for a few minutes. I actually went in for one thing but the doctor decided to check something else while she had be there and she discovered something on my right side, which I will have to get an ultrasound for. *groans* So, it's back to the hospital to get more tests done, more blood drawn, and more stress put on me. I have a feeling one of my best friends isn't going to be too happy with this added stress I was given because he's trying to keep me relaxed. Sorry hun! While I was on the verge of tears when I first got the word, I am very calm right now. I don't know why. I mean, this thing could potentially be (God forbid) breast cancer (and, yes, it's possible even at my age) but I think I've dealt with so many of these things that I know I shouldn't jump to conclusions. I am not going to make myself more anxious by worrying about it. I'm just going to pray to God that it all come out alright and that it's nothing I can't handle. Okay, I'm a little scared and nervous but at least I'm not going crazy. At least, not yet. lol. See? I'm trying to keep my sense of humor. *sigh*

I could sit here and do the whole "Why me? Why again? Haven't I suffered enough?" bit but I don't see a point in doing it. I always say that God never gives us things we can't handle so I'm not even going to start questioning it. I'm just going to look at it as yet another thing that will keep me on track with my faith and that will make my bond with God that much stronger. I'm just going to focus on my anxiety (because THAT is the thing I am most worried about) and also focus on getting in touch with old friends.

A few nights ago I had a dream about old friends from a former school of mine. Yesterday I decided to try to get in touch with them again (by the by, they're all guys :D). These 3 guys are some of the nicest guys you'll ever meet. They'd walk me to classes (not all of them though, lol), they'd walk me to my car to help me with the creepy weirdos that used to follow me, we used to hang out when we could... these guys were/are just awesome. I missed them and this dream sort of made me realize it. Today I talked to one of them for a bit, which was awesome. He doesn't live too far so hopefully we'll get a chance to hang out before he moves away. Hopefully their girlfriends (yes, all 3 have girlfriends) don't mind me getting in contact with them again. I'm just trying to see how the guys are; I come in peace. lol. Besides, I'm not "on the market" so they have nothing to worry about. :D I love getting in touch with old friends... which is what I have been doing a lot of lately. Last year, it was childhood friends (and all boys, too, lol) who found me. This year, I'm putting the effort in touching base with some of my friends from a while back. :D All of this reminds me... I need to e-mail Mr. Navy (a friend I've known since kindergarten) about an old picture I found from when we were 5 years old. I bet he'll get a kick out of it. :D

Alright, well, it's nearly 11 p.m. so I have about an hour left to completely stuff myself before I can't eat anything anymore. lol. By the way, this 12 hour fast is something my dad told me about. They used to fast for the first 12 hours of Ash Wednesday in Mexico (at least, the part his family's from) so that is where I got the idea. I will have to talk to one of the priests about the other fasting days soon; I didn't get a chance to talk to them today.

As usual, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

Transcripts, Sickness Returns, and Primary Elections

Well, I spent most of the afternoon driving around the city getting all the transcripts from my former schools to have them sent to my new school. Wow. What a headache that was. I had totally forgotten it was back-to-school for the Spring semester today at those schools so I had to deal with super long lines. I spent a good 2 hours (total) just waiting in line at all these places. It didn't help that I've been sick (you know, the fainting kind again) for the past couple of days so you can just imagine how frustrating it all was for me. Blah! At the final school, I had to make a bunch of trips to different offices just to get my transcript. GEEZ! At the other schools, I just showed up with my filled application, paid there and got them (or was told they'd be sent). And this last school, they made me wait nearly an hour to tell me that they'd send them for me. Uh, couldn't they have told me that when I paid and had everything done? They told me to wait 5-10 minutes, which lasted, what seemed like, forever... and then they told me, "Well, you wrote where you wanted them sent so we'll send them for you." Grrr! It was so unprofessional and it just sucked even more because I started getting really sick (I had to put my head down on the table and just think about not passing out) and they were like "Well, just wait a couple more minutes." Where they serious?! It takes a few seconds to say "Okay, you paid; you're done. We'll mail them for you." just like at the other schools. Grr. Of course, I was so angry that they made me go through that that I ended up saying "Are you kidding me?! They made me wait nearly an hour to get something they weren't going to give me in the first place?! I feel like I'm going to pass out!" I totally regret saying it but when I'm sick, I mean really sick, and I get irritated, it just comes out. That's something I'm going to have to work on.

As you might've guessed from the title of today's blog, I am once again really sick. I feel like I'm going to pass out at any given moment, I'm completely nauseous, I'm a thirsty throughout the day, I have to keep eating so I don't feel worse, etc. It's been like this for a couple of days now (about 3) and I HATE it. It had been quite a few weeks since I last felt like this and I was happy I was feeling better. Now... *groans*. I don't know why it came back all of a sudden either. I'm lucky I have a follow appointment with my doctor at the end of this week because I'm going to seriously need it.

I definitely need to start praying again (I haven't said the Rosary in a while) and I have a feeling that these feelings might be a sign that I need to start praying again. Like, for a while, I started slipping when it came to saying the Rosary and this is like a reminder that I need to get to where I was when I prayed the Rosary at least once a day without fail. I don't think it's punishment for not praying, God doesn't do that... I see it as a little push I'm being given to make me realize how well I was doing before everything I went through last week (when I started re-evaluating everything). Hopefully I will feel well enough to go to morning mass (or even evening mass) tomorrow because it'll be my last chance to ask the priest about fasting during Lent. Or maybe I'll call Fr. Roderick and hope he answers it on the Daily Breakfast before Lent actually starts.

And, speaking of tomorrow... tomorrow is Super Tuesday in the U.S. where 23 states (including the one I am residing it) get to vote in the primary elections. I already have my chosen candidate picked out and I am ready to vote. Hopefully the candidate I am rooting for is elected to run for president. Though I am not too into politics at the beginning of campaigns (and the Political Science course I took didn't really get me more into politics), I do catch up with everything right before elections. Hopefully other people will also make the right decision when it comes to voting for a certain candidate. I won't reveal who I voted for until we find out if he will run; and, hint, I said he so it's obviously a male.

Alright, well, it's half past midnight and I am a bit hungry (and I'm putting hunger before sleepiness at the moment), so I am going to find something to eat and then try to relax so I, hopefully, stop feeling like I'm going to pass out. Ugh. I hate asking this but if anyone who reads the blog could say a little prayer for me, I would appreciate it -- from the bottom of my heart. This is NOT the week for me to be this sick (dad has his at-home chemo this week).

Well, that is all for now. Thanks for reading and God Bless.

Ch-Ch-Changes and Lent

My goodness, so much has happened in the last couple of days that all the plans I had have just dramatically changed. I do have writing in my near future, but the novel has been put on hold in favor of another project that has re-surfaced. Just when I thought I was out... they pull me back in. lol. It's good though. It's great writing experience for me and it'll definitely help me when I am go back to my book. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't excited about this change of plans. I don't think I've ever been as giddy as I am; at least not for a long time. :D I just hope God gives me strength to be able to complete the project through without any problems (any health problems, at least). I will also learn to give up sleep and other things, like watching football (soccer) matches, until I am done.

Speaking of giving up football matches... that is precisely what I am doing for Lent. After the way Liverpool played today, and have played lately, I won't be missing much. lol. I was thinking about giving up the internet as well but, since the change of plans, I won't be able to do it because I need to do a ton of research. It looks like most, if not all, of Lent will be spent at mass, the library and my home. I was thinking about the fasting portion of Lent (for Ash Wednesday, etc.) but I will have to talk to a priest about that because I can't actually fast. I get pretty sick if I don't eat every 3 hours so, we'll see. Hopefully there is something else I can do on the days we're required to fast.

Yes, this is the end of my blog for today. I'm spending the rest of the evening having quality time with one of my favorite guys, mainly doing research. Pfft. Research shouldn't be as fun as what I'm going to be doing (which is basically watching a bunch of DVDs and taking notes). Oh, yeah... if you see "The Way I Am" by Ingrid Michaelson popping up on my Last.Fm counter (shows what I am listening to at the moment; it's on the right side of this post), that is no glitch. It's my new favorite song hence listening to it obsessively. lol. :D Well, 'til next time... thanks for reading and God Bless. :D