I know I haven’t blogged in over two months. In all honesty, I’ve had to sit with my thoughts and everything I’ve recently gone through in order to be able to write this post.
As I wrote in the last post, I was plunged into a deep desolation that I’m still not completely out of. This is something I’m keeping my spiritual director in the loop with for obvious reasons.
It’s been a difficult two months but I’ve gotten to the point where I’m used to the desolation. It’s as normal as breathing for me at this time. It doesn’t mean I like it. It doesn’t mean I’m not constantly asking God to take it away; that I’m not constantly doing novenas to various saints (currently to St. Therese of Lisieux), asking for their intercessions. But it’s very much my default coping mechanism. I can’t change it? I accept it and try to make the most out of it. It’s what I’ve done with every single setback I’ve experienced in the last couple of years. It’s how I’ve survived becoming legally blind, getting diagnosed with adrenal insufficiency, and every other crummy thing I’ve experienced.
I think that the thing that has helped me out the most is knowing that St. Teresa of Calcutta (a.k.a. Mother Teresa) experienced something like this for literally decades. It wasn’t a short term thing like some of these “dark nights of the soul” have been for other saints. I don’t know the specifics of her story (I still don’t have the mental or spiritual capacity to tackle a book on it… or, really, anything Catholic) but I know she struggled with a deep desolation that really did a number on her for years. So, keeping that in mind, I try not to beat myself too much over things I try and can’t do.
I’m not praying the Rosary most days and it’s a miracle when I remember to do it. Most days (at least recently) it’s because I forget to. If it wasn’t for my Benedictine oblation, I probably wouldn’t do any spiritual reading (I pray a bit of the Holy Rule every morning) or have any good prayer life. I get most of the Divine Office hours in most days. At the very least, I get Lauds, Prime, Vespers, and Compline in every day (though I missed Prime this morning because I got distracted and lost track of time this morning). I do novenas. I’m keeping up with the 9-month Annunication novena. I’m keeping up with praying for all U.S. Bishops (a project that is done by the National Shrine of Our Lady of Champion). I’ve only missed Mass once on a Sunday when the feed to my parish’s evening Mass wasn’t working and it was the last one live-streamed for the day). My mind wanders so quickly and I read/pray the Divine Office automatically and my brain doesn’t grasp anything but I try. It’s really all I can do.
A couple of months ago (around the time and shortly after the last blog post), I couldn’t hear anything about the faith without getting inexplicably angry. It felt like my body wanted to physically reject anything that had to do with the faith. Rosaries, images of saints (and especially Our Lady and Christ), the Crucifix. It was the weirdest physical sensation, akin to how my body feels when I have an allergic reaction or is having a reaction to something that it’s intolerant to. I’m thankfully no longer there but it was intense.
I lost one of my best friends and a lot of followers on social media during this time. I felt isolated from friends because no one knew how to react to what I was experiencing… not even priest friends, which honestly hurt. I had a couple of priest friends occasionally reach out to tell me they were praying for me but that was it. People didn’t like how I was acting or what I was saying… and never did I. The only ones who seem to stick around during the worst of it were my oblate Sister (whose conversation really helped turn things around for me a couple of weeks ago), another one of my best friend, and my friends from my pre-reversion days (all of who are atheist or agnostic). It actually surprised me how I felt completely abandoned by my Catholic friends and community but not the atheists and agnostics. I don’t know if it’s because they’ve known me for most of my life or what but it didn’t help the desolation whatsoever.
God bless one my best friend with whom I watched new episodes of The Summer I Turned Pretty as they were premiering weekly. She was the only person I talked to on an almost daily basis, which honestly saved my mental health during this time. If I hadn’t had something like the show to look forward to and to distract me or have someone I could message and talk to on a regular basis, I don’t know how deeper the depression would’ve gotten. And I appreciated that she didn’t try to “fix” me. She made it clear that she was there if I needed to talk but also didn’t push me. And I appreciated that because most people wanted me to do x, y, z and would get frustrated or even angry with me when I said I wasn’t in a good place where I could do what they were suggesting. It wasn’t me trying to be difficult; it was me telling them what I couldn’t do and it made people upset with me. It felt like I wasn’t trying hard enough even though I knew I was.
I feel like God hasn’t abandoned me… but I’ve abandoned Him without meaning to. And I try to get back to where I was or to feel some sort of connection to anything faith related… but I can’t. I have very small moments of consolation every couple of weeks or so but it’s very fleeting and then I’m plunged back in. In a way, it feels like God is reminding me of where I was pre-reversion and making me see how I’d rather suffer than go back to that… because I’ve fallen back into my pre-reversion life. Not completely but I’m definitely living a more “secular” lifestyle and slowly drifting back into the entertainment business (as many have probably noticed with my support for the WGA and SAG-AFTRA strikes, though I’ve been more vocal about the WGA strike for obvious reasons).
I don’t have deluded visions of grandeur as a screenwriter but I definitely see myself returning to my “roots” in the industry that started when I was a teenager. It’s become a sort of “well, if I’m going to be living a more secular life, I might as well try to do something good with the gifts God has given me.” I don’t have the looks, talent, or even age (at this point) to act but writing? That I can do, even with my visual impairment. I’m still discerning whether I’ll pursue this fully but, for now, I’m still working on novel four. The point is that I’m looking at how I’m going to live my life in a more secular way as I move forward with the desolation firmly intact.
I’m the type of person who takes vows and promises seriously, especially from an authority figure, so I can see myself being able to keep whatever has been asked of me as an oblate for life. At least, that’s what I’m hoping. Even during the worst of the desolation, I didn’t waver from it. The rest is more difficult but I try to get some semblance of my former spiritual life whenever I can.
Also, despite living with a deep desolation, I had 16 years (between my reversion and the onset of the desolation) of learning and understanding of faith matters to know what is and what isn’t permitted by the Church; what I personally need to do and not do unless I want to find myself back in the confessional more often. I still can’t do or say certain things in good conscience. These things have been deeply ingrained in me for over a decade and a half so I think that’s what’s helping me not slip completely. It’s all second nature to me and it would take something insane to throw me off completely, even if I don’t feel close to God or attached to anything regarding the Church (except my oblation promises and my spiritual family at Clear Creek Abbey).
So, that’s where I am. I don’t know how long I’ll be in this desolation. I don’t know if it’ll last for the rest of my life. I don’t know if things will ever get as bad as they were a few months ago… but God has shown me that I’ve been able to get through the worst of it so maybe I’ll be okay even if I’m here permanently.
Anyway, that’s it for now. I wanted to share where I was at this point in my life… and also give my new contact lenses a bit of a workout. Oh yes, you read that right. I’m still legally blind but I was prescribed contact lenses to help with the residual sight in my left eye… which maybe I’ll share in the next post because that itself has been one crazy journey. My optometrist is still experimenting with this and she seems to be loving the challenge. That’s all I’m saying for now.
I hope you are all doing well.
As always, thank you for reading and God bless!
