Hi, everyone subscribed to this blog but not following me on social media.
I started blogging over at Roseate Felicity and will no longer be updating this particular blog. I’ll keep it up for those who want to revisit some old posts but any new ones will be posted over on the new one. An explanation for it is on the first post there, written a couple of weeks ago.
This is where I let y’all on a little secret only a handful of people have known for the last month: while I won’t get my official results for another two weeks (and I won’t get the lab work done until next week), my endocrinologist believes I’ve officially been healed/have recovered from adrenal insufficiency. The previous two lab orders shows that my body was producing 3-4x the amount of cortisol on lower doses. Not only that, I had too much of other hormones and my chronic pancreatitis and elevated A1C despite eating healthier were indicators that the hydrocortisone was starting to affect my health because I no longer needed them.
So, all the health issues I’ve had for most of the year seem to have been little signs that my body was healing/had healed. That affected so many different things, including my mental health. That also seems to have fueled the depression that added wood to the desolation fire. It’s all connected — mind, body, and spirit.
I’m still not 100%. My body is now getting used to not having the steroid in my system. I’m struggling with insomnia right now. My concentration issues, brain fog, and memory are all still shot. But everything else seems to be getting back to normal. I’m a lot less exhausted than I was on the medication — except for maybe the last month or so when I had so much energy that I went 4 hours dancing non-stop and I still wasn’t tired when I made myself stop just so I wouldn’t overdo it. Seriously, it was odd after the last couple of years of being perpetually exhausted. But I’m doing a lot better with other symptoms.
By the way, did I mention when I got the news? On the eve of the feast of St. Elizabeth of the Trinity… who died from primary adrenal insufficiency and whom I’d asked for her intercession. I mean, I’ve bugged so many saints about my health but I think it was beautiful that I got the news on the eve of her feast day considering she’s patroness of the condition.
So, what happened? As best as my endo can tell, my body was under a lot of stress from a variety of sources — some health and some personal — and it all contributed to my adrenal glands getting overworked and shutting down. So, the initial diagnoses were correct and I indeed had secondary adrenal insufficiency and not primary (Addison’s). My adrenal glands were so damaged that it took nearly three years to start functioning normally again.
Where do I go from here? I mean, that’s what I’m trying to figure out. A lot of possibilities have opened up now that I don’t have to worry about the adrenal insufficiency. In these last 3 years I’ve learned how to take better care of myself — physically and mentally — and I can use those things to continue to thrive. But there are still other things that won’t allow me to get back to pre-diagnosis “normal.”
I’m still visually impaired (and technically legally blind) and only an absolute miracle would make it not so. There is zero hope for me to regain my eyesight as it was as far as any medical doctor is concerned. Also, my health isn’t 100% only because I no longer than adrenal insufficiency. I’m a bit older and my body was put through so much that I still have to take care of myself in a different way than I did before.
I’ve gained a lot. I have a lot more freedom (in a way). I have a sort of second chance in all areas of my life. I have some amazing friends after others decided to end our friendship when I had mentally reached rock bottom (when it was suspected that the meds were starting to affect me negatively and I had communicated as much). I even have a chance to take my writing career in a different direction. That will mean harder work and starting over, in a way, but it would also be a fun challenge. For reasons I will not share on here (basically, because I never do) I need to go back to the drawing board in regards to my vocation discernment. I’m very much “off the market” but I still need to discern that further once I’m out of the desolation because there is no way I’m making any decisions stuck here.
And, actually, that’s why I’m unsure about anything — I made the decision to not make any big decisions until I was out of the desolation. No one get too excited but… I can see it lessening. Again, I fully think part of this came with the steroids messing with my brain chemistry and me just going a little banana nut bread because I can see the difference with how I’m reacting to things and how I’m thinking about them. How I would’ve handled another friendship disappointing me a couple of months or even weeks ago is not how I’ve been handling the most recent disappointment. The aversion to all things religious isn’t as strong.
I will say that the desolation and the meds messing with my mind (and my spiritual health) is that it brought out all of my doubts and other negative traits into the spotlight while simultaneously healing some things. I see where I have to work on some things I didn’t think I needed to (or had overcome).
I’m currently in the internal fight between knowing what’s right and what’s wrong and what has been my “reality” for the last 6 months of desolation and not thinking clearly. I’ve gotten a new perspective on certain things that my scrupulous mind would’ve blown out of proportion. I’ve distanced myself from Catholic “news” which I saw was actually harming me, spiritually. I’ve been really looking at the things that fueled the desolation and getting to the root of them. Some things I’ll hold onto and some things I’m letting go…
However, I’m still in a very vulnerable place despite the desolation beginning to very slowly dissipate. I’m not fully back to the Church… and I sometimes fear that I may never be. Why? Because I still have a lot of things to work on and I don’t know if I’ll be strong enough to get through it all while still surviving life in general. The desolation really knocked any confidence I had about my faith and my spiritual life completely out of me. I find it even more difficult to even want to talk to God. But I’m going to give myself some time before I declare myself a lost cause (unlike others who gave up on me a long time ago). I’m still slowly (very slowly) returning to myself without any medication altering anything so I’ll have to wait to see how things unfold. And, again, this goes back to the uncertainty of anything. Heck, I don’t even know if my brain will ever be the same or if the medication has permanently altered things and how that’s going to affect everything, my spirituality included.
I used to be a planner. I used to love to plan things far in advance. I’ve found myself no longer doing that. I’m trying to enjoy the present instead of trying to live in the future or even the past. At the moment, my priority is taking care of myself, keeping the boundaries I’ve set for things and people, and trying to get used to my new normal. It means going with the flow when things change and trying not to stress over it.
It means enjoying the people around me — laughing, singing, dancing, and simply being surrounded by people who bring out the best in me. It means having a goal or two but not being so attached to them in case things change. It means so many other things that will be tweaked as they come up… and I’m totally okay with that.
And I think that’s it for now. I’m gonna go hang out with my girls in a little while but I wanted to get this out in a rare “blog writing” urge because I find myself wanting to blog less and less. Like I said, my writing career might be headed in a different (more secular) direction so keeping this blog updated (or starting a new one from scratch to reflect where I might be headed) is something I need to think about. When I’m able to with better clarity, which I don’t currently have.
Okay, that’s it. I’m gonna go see what shenanigans the girls and I are going to get into tonight and this weekend. lol.
I hope y’all are well!
First, I haven’t blogged for two big reasons: I’ve been busy because I actually have a social life now (whaaat?!) and because I’ve been knocked out by the weaning off of the hydrocortisone process. The latter will get its own post in a couple of weeks (once I get the final results).
In early September, I voluntarily agreed to host a group of lovely women I’d met over the last couple of months for a weekly get-together. We’re now in our second month and I haven’t missed a single week, even when I was completely wiped. I’m actually pretty proud of myself for that because I could’ve easily said, “I’m not feeling well… eh, I’ll postpone it.” But I didn’t. I don’t know if it’s the Benedictine in me or if it’s just the old Emmy coming out again… because I used to love to plan get-togethers and outings for friends. I’m what you call an ambivert (social introvert) but, while I tried to get my health and everything else in order, I shied away from it. Well, not anymore. The group (whom I refer to as “my girls”) continues to grow and I was invited to join another group of gals so… busy me.
It’s been wonderful and I’m learning so much about myself from these ladies. We differ greatly. The age range is roughly mid-late 20s to early 40s with a couple of older ladies who are young at heart. Some of are single, some are dating, most married. Some have children, some don’t. A few of us are religious (though, to my knowledge, I might be the only Catholic), most aren’t. Our political affiliations and views vary greatly though the majority are liberal. So, it’s been a learning process for someone who identified as a conservative, trad-leaning Catholic. And, no, that was not a typo. I did write “identified” in the past tense.
And this is why I’m writing this post. It stems from the series of tweets I shared yesterday after seeing that a priest said that most devout Catholic women don’t have mental health issues… and, boy, do I disagree with that. While I don’t consider myself a “devout Catholic” woman because this desolation has pushed me as far as it can without me saying I’m no longer Catholic, I know so many devout Catholic women who suffer from anxiety, PTSD, depression, etc. because of life circumstances or even chemical imbalances. My own depression (which started this past summer) seems to be tied to the use of the hydrocortisone. We’ll have to give my body some time to readjust with life without the daily use of those steroids (which I took for 3 years and a month) and see how my mental (and spiritual) health recover. Or doesn’t.
That disagreement led to be honest about what life has been since summer (which I’ve already mentioned in a past post). Like I said, I’m as far as I can get from where I was without abandoning the faith. I still keep up the bare minimum as an Oblate because I made those life-long promises and I’m someone who will honor those promises even when I don’t feel like it. I have yet to make it to Mass (though most of that has been due to health issues) but my SD has made it out to my home to hear my confession and bring the Eucharist. It’s been 2 months so I’m overdue but I’m trying.
“Lord, this is all I can do. Sorry.” That’s what’s going to be my motto for the foreseeable future. I can’t do more. Can I? Very much… but it take s a lot of mental strength and will power which I just lack. It’s all part of the depression. I jokingly say I have high-functioning depression because I can be there and “on” when I need to but it takes so much strength and effort to get myself to that place… and when I don’t have to, I’m just completely exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally. Again, it might all be tied to the hydrocortisone and I just took my last dose this past Monday so give me a couple of weeks/months to see if there’s any improvement.
At the moment, I feel numb to the faith. I was so steeped in all things Catholic for nearly 17 years that I recognize which things are “good” and which are “bad.” I know which things go against the faith and I’ve been able to stop myself from doing stupid things. Not all the things but most of the things. I need to watch my feisty/sassy side a little more (it’s always been there but I had it mostly hidden for a long, long time). But, for the most part, I think I’ve done the best I can under the circumstances.
All of this feels like a sort of spiritual rebellion. I know where some of it stems from. I think God is allowing it so that I can see what life is without Him and what life will continue to be if I were to choose to completely walk away. It’s a very interesting crossroads I didn’t think I would see. And that crossroads doesn’t just include my spiritual life. It includes all areas of my life. All.
I’m still going to quote Mary Poppins and say, “First of all I would like to one thing quite clear. I never explain myself.” The Taylor Swift song lyrics on X/Twitter is a very Millennial thing for me to do and, yes, there’s a reason for them. But, like I said, I’m not explaining myself. When have I ever? lol. If you know, you know…
I know those and other recent heart emoji-filled posts on X (formerly known as Twitter) have made people wonder if I’m still discerning consecrated virginity and the answer is simply “no.” I’m going to leave it at that for now.
Look, I’m happy right now… or, at least as happy as I can be knowing there is this feeling emptiness because of the big obvious void in my life. No amount of dancing, singing, laughing, nor any swoon-worthy green eyes will fill that hole and I understand that. But that’s where I am right now and I’m trying to make sense of both the things that make me happy and make me feel alive with the gaping void on the other side.
I love my friends. My ride or die friends have stuck by me during this hard time while so many have bailed on me. I love the few Catholic friends who’ve stuck around. My oblate sister, one of my besties (the one I watched TSITP with this past summer), and the rest who are making sure I’m still hanging in there. I would not trade them for anything in the world. My new friends are also pushing me to be the best version of myself despite our big differences. They’re the type to call me out on my crud and keep my humility in check while willing to cut someone for messing with me. My girls have been responsible for my current social life and for me not falling back into that pit of depression I was in this summer.
I’m moving forward with my career, in a way. I still don’t know if I’m return to my “roots” but I’m having fun in the process of figuring it out. All I know is that I refuse to let the legal blindness keep me where I’ve been the past three years.
As my friend Rey recently said, I’m a cross between Taylor’s 1989 and Folklore albums — I’m “very pink and poppy and silly but good for heavy introspection.” And I don’t know a better description of who I am than that. lol. I’m being girly and silly and I’m loving life while also taking the time to reflect and try to move forward in the best way I can.
This is a big growing period for me. In a way I feel like I’m 20 years old again, with my life stretched out in front of me like a blank canvas awaiting to be painted. I have no idea what the final picture will be… I don’t know what colors or even what materials I’m going to use. But I’m excited for whatever will happen in the process.
People may be disappointed in me for “how far I’ve fallen” or for whatever reason but I’d like to ask those of you who feel that way to ask yourselves why. I’m just a girl with a blog. I’m human. I make mistakes. Life is not a linear journey. Sometimes we stray off the right path but we find ourselves way. Sometimes we just don’t.
No one but God knows why He’s allowing me to be in this place; why I keep “failing” or “not trying hard enough.” Only He knows if I’ll ever come back to what y’all are used to (via blog and social media) or if this is a growth period that will see me change in ways that people may not like but will be necessary. Maybe I’m simply a “lost cause” and there’s no return for me. I don’t know. All I know is that I haven’t given up on myself, even if others have. And I’m okay with that.
Anyway, that’s it. I gotta get ready before I spend some time with my girls.
I hope y’all have a lovely weekend!
As I wrote in the last post, I was plunged into a deep desolation that I’m still not completely out of. This is something I’m keeping my spiritual director in the loop with for obvious reasons.
It’s been a difficult two months but I’ve gotten to the point where I’m used to the desolation. It’s as normal as breathing for me at this time. It doesn’t mean I like it. It doesn’t mean I’m not constantly asking God to take it away; that I’m not constantly doing novenas to various saints (currently to St. Therese of Lisieux), asking for their intercessions. But it’s very much my default coping mechanism. I can’t change it? I accept it and try to make the most out of it. It’s what I’ve done with every single setback I’ve experienced in the last couple of years. It’s how I’ve survived becoming legally blind, getting diagnosed with adrenal insufficiency, and every other crummy thing I’ve experienced.
I think that the thing that has helped me out the most is knowing that St. Teresa of Calcutta (a.k.a. Mother Teresa) experienced something like this for literally decades. It wasn’t a short term thing like some of these “dark nights of the soul” have been for other saints. I don’t know the specifics of her story (I still don’t have the mental or spiritual capacity to tackle a book on it… or, really, anything Catholic) but I know she struggled with a deep desolation that really did a number on her for years. So, keeping that in mind, I try not to beat myself too much over things I try and can’t do.
I’m not praying the Rosary most days and it’s a miracle when I remember to do it. Most days (at least recently) it’s because I forget to. If it wasn’t for my Benedictine oblation, I probably wouldn’t do any spiritual reading (I pray a bit of the Holy Rule every morning) or have any good prayer life. I get most of the Divine Office hours in most days. At the very least, I get Lauds, Prime, Vespers, and Compline in every day (though I missed Prime this morning because I got distracted and lost track of time this morning). I do novenas. I’m keeping up with the 9-month Annunication novena. I’m keeping up with praying for all U.S. Bishops (a project that is done by the National Shrine of Our Lady of Champion). I’ve only missed Mass once on a Sunday when the feed to my parish’s evening Mass wasn’t working and it was the last one live-streamed for the day). My mind wanders so quickly and I read/pray the Divine Office automatically and my brain doesn’t grasp anything but I try. It’s really all I can do.
A couple of months ago (around the time and shortly after the last blog post), I couldn’t hear anything about the faith without getting inexplicably angry. It felt like my body wanted to physically reject anything that had to do with the faith. Rosaries, images of saints (and especially Our Lady and Christ), the Crucifix. It was the weirdest physical sensation, akin to how my body feels when I have an allergic reaction or is having a reaction to something that it’s intolerant to. I’m thankfully no longer there but it was intense.
I lost one of my best friends and a lot of followers on social media during this time. I felt isolated from friends because no one knew how to react to what I was experiencing… not even priest friends, which honestly hurt. I had a couple of priest friends occasionally reach out to tell me they were praying for me but that was it. People didn’t like how I was acting or what I was saying… and never did I. The only ones who seem to stick around during the worst of it were my oblate Sister (whose conversation really helped turn things around for me a couple of weeks ago), another one of my best friend, and my friends from my pre-reversion days (all of who are atheist or agnostic). It actually surprised me how I felt completely abandoned by my Catholic friends and community but not the atheists and agnostics. I don’t know if it’s because they’ve known me for most of my life or what but it didn’t help the desolation whatsoever.
God bless one my best friend with whom I watched new episodes of The Summer I Turned Pretty as they were premiering weekly. She was the only person I talked to on an almost daily basis, which honestly saved my mental health during this time. If I hadn’t had something like the show to look forward to and to distract me or have someone I could message and talk to on a regular basis, I don’t know how deeper the depression would’ve gotten. And I appreciated that she didn’t try to “fix” me. She made it clear that she was there if I needed to talk but also didn’t push me. And I appreciated that because most people wanted me to do x, y, z and would get frustrated or even angry with me when I said I wasn’t in a good place where I could do what they were suggesting. It wasn’t me trying to be difficult; it was me telling them what I couldn’t do and it made people upset with me. It felt like I wasn’t trying hard enough even though I knew I was.
I feel like God hasn’t abandoned me… but I’ve abandoned Him without meaning to. And I try to get back to where I was or to feel some sort of connection to anything faith related… but I can’t. I have very small moments of consolation every couple of weeks or so but it’s very fleeting and then I’m plunged back in. In a way, it feels like God is reminding me of where I was pre-reversion and making me see how I’d rather suffer than go back to that… because I’ve fallen back into my pre-reversion life. Not completely but I’m definitely living a more “secular” lifestyle and slowly drifting back into the entertainment business (as many have probably noticed with my support for the WGA and SAG-AFTRA strikes, though I’ve been more vocal about the WGA strike for obvious reasons).
I don’t have deluded visions of grandeur as a screenwriter but I definitely see myself returning to my “roots” in the industry that started when I was a teenager. It’s become a sort of “well, if I’m going to be living a more secular life, I might as well try to do something good with the gifts God has given me.” I don’t have the looks, talent, or even age (at this point) to act but writing? That I can do, even with my visual impairment. I’m still discerning whether I’ll pursue this fully but, for now, I’m still working on novel four. The point is that I’m looking at how I’m going to live my life in a more secular way as I move forward with the desolation firmly intact.
I’m the type of person who takes vows and promises seriously, especially from an authority figure, so I can see myself being able to keep whatever has been asked of me as an oblate for life. At least, that’s what I’m hoping. Even during the worst of the desolation, I didn’t waver from it. The rest is more difficult but I try to get some semblance of my former spiritual life whenever I can.
Also, despite living with a deep desolation, I had 16 years (between my reversion and the onset of the desolation) of learning and understanding of faith matters to know what is and what isn’t permitted by the Church; what I personally need to do and not do unless I want to find myself back in the confessional more often. I still can’t do or say certain things in good conscience. These things have been deeply ingrained in me for over a decade and a half so I think that’s what’s helping me not slip completely. It’s all second nature to me and it would take something insane to throw me off completely, even if I don’t feel close to God or attached to anything regarding the Church (except my oblation promises and my spiritual family at Clear Creek Abbey).
So, that’s where I am. I don’t know how long I’ll be in this desolation. I don’t know if it’ll last for the rest of my life. I don’t know if things will ever get as bad as they were a few months ago… but God has shown me that I’ve been able to get through the worst of it so maybe I’ll be okay even if I’m here permanently.
Anyway, that’s it for now. I wanted to share where I was at this point in my life… and also give my new contact lenses a bit of a workout. Oh yes, you read that right. I’m still legally blind but I was prescribed contact lenses to help with the residual sight in my left eye… which maybe I’ll share in the next post because that itself has been one crazy journey. My optometrist is still experimenting with this and she seems to be loving the challenge. That’s all I’m saying for now.
I hope you are all doing well.
As always, thank you for reading and God bless!
Recently, I’ve been going through a serious faith crisis. It’s something I’ve been struggling with for a while now but it’s only been amplified during the 54-day Rosary novena. I feel and see myself slipping away from the faith. I know part of that has to do with the desolation I feel, the isolation (from my parish community and friends) I’ve been forced into, and all my health issues all colliding. But there was a major component which I hadn’t factored in: the feeling like I have to continually censor who I am to fit in in certain Catholic circles or to deny myself of things because if I don’t, I’m a “bad Catholic.”
This is where I admit that I’m a massive fan of the Amazon Prime series The Summer I Turned Pretty. Go ahead and judge me if you want — I’m tired of caring at this point. Am I way out of the target demographic? Yup! Are there questionable things that go against the Faith? Yup. Do I still enjoy it? Sorry, but a big yes! I’m fully invested in the story of Belly Conklin and her feelings for brothers Conrad and Jeremiah Fisher. I didn’t love the books but I’m loving the changes made for the series. I mean, not the end of episode two of the second season (they should’ve kept it closer to the books for that particular scene) but I still like it overall. I like getting excited to see what the next episode will bring since they’re following the book trilogy but are making some great improvements that keep us “book girlies” on our toes.
It was when I realized that I couldn’t share this excitement and joy that it seemed like I had finally figured out why I was so miserable and why my faith crisis was getting worse.
See, I’m the type of person who can live in the “secular world” and still see the good, the bad, and the ugly. I see people (whether real or fictional) for the beautiful and oftentimes flawed persons that they are. I’m able to take the secular shows, movies, music, etc. and find the good in it. It actually enriches my faith so much more because it challenges me (in a good way) and it makes life more beautiful to me. My faith thrived when I was at the CINO (Catholic in Name Only) college, when I wasn’t in the best environment for the faithful. I was more “joyful in the faith” when I could be more open and honest about things without the weight of judgment for not living up to expectations.
That’s not to say that I wasn’t being authentic; I was. I was just stifling a big part of myself in the process. It took my excitement for this series, the re-working of my fourth novel, and the two hospital trips (and a big dose of Memento Mori) for me to realize what was going on. After watching the fourth episode of the second season for the show (which had a killer soundtrack) and wanting to tweet about it — but then being afraid of what people would say — I went, “you know what? Flip that table! I’m excited for this. I’m going to share it.”
With the realization of how bad my health is getting and how short life is, I decided that I’m too tired to care anymore. I’m tired of people shaming me for liking things that bring me joy and give me a little break from the harsh realities of life. Because my life is hard and I’m struggling. And you know what? It’s thanks to those breaks from overthinking about all that’s going on in my life that have actually started helping me with my faith, little by little. I mean, I actually took a break between rewatching episode four (I have to watch each episode a few times because of my visual impairment; so I can focus on different things each time to get a complete picture) to pray Vespers… and actually feel joy while praying it. Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve had that happen? A long time, my friends.
I know that this isn’t the typical route for “faithful Catholics” but what about me *is* typical or normal? I feel like I’ve always been a little ball of contradictions — though I tried not to be — and I’m not being true to myself or who God made me if I don’t continue to be that way. Even my own temperament combination (melancholic-sanguine) isn’t supposed to exist; the temperaments are on opposite ends of the spectrum… yet that’s what I am. I don’t fit the mold of what a Catholic is supposed to be like and I’m tired of trying to force myself into the little boxes. I’m too “modern” for the trads and too “trad” for the liberals. And I’m just tired of the judgements, comments, and everything else.
Do you know how depressing it was to realize that I went from being described as “bubbly and optimistic” to “muted and depressed”? I don’t recognize myself. And I can’t find God in the place I’m in now.
Why can’t I find God in the secular? If I found Him in it before — and I actually reverted and thrived in it — why not now? Why can’t I produce secular content that won’t cause scandal or go against Church teachings? Why do so many people assume they know me and then try to shame me into fitting what they think I should be like? Because that’s what’s been happening. I see other Catholic friends talking about the shows or music they like… but I don’t see others shaming them for it. But me? What is it about me that makes me a target for unkindness and judgment? I truly don’t understand it.
Why are people telling how to live my life; how to live out my faith? Because that’s what’s been happening; people keep telling me how to suffer through my health issues and how I shouldn’t x, y, or z because that’s not what I should be doing as a Catholic
So, I’m going to do just that. I’m going to live my life and tune the shame out as much as I can. It’s not easy as I’m a terribly sensitive person who gets hurt easily but, honestly? Melissa Joy had it right; no one should make me feel inferior or unworthy or unloved just because what I like and who I am doesn’t fit with what they believe is right. I truly believe I can live my life as a Benedictine Oblate and a faithful Catholic despite living in the world. I might be proven wrong in the future, but this is what feels right at the moment.
Anyway, I just wanted to get that out of my system. If any of you following me on social media feel disappointed in this new development — I’m sorry but you can unfollow me. I don’t know how much longer I have on this earth and I’m not going to waste any more of it trying to be someone I’m not.
Where my faith crisis will go from this point on, I don’t know. I don’t feel the sincere support from many people at this point so maybe I need to step away from these tight Catholic circles — in which I have felt like the worst possible person; in which people who are supposed to be strong, faithful Catholics have made me feel (as I’ve already said) like I’m inferior, unworthy of God’s love and mercy, and a mental burden when I share my health problems and journey.
So… here we go. New chapter.
Okay, that’s enough for now. I’m getting a headache from staring at the screen for the last couple of hours.
I hope you are all doing well and, again, my apologies if this disappoints anyone.
As always, thanks for reading and God bless!
