Monday, June 4, 2012

I Tire of Being Online.. and All the Crumbs

Yes, you read the title right; I tire of being online. No, let me rephrase that: I tire of being online because of the negativity I sometimes encounter. I often remember that due to my temperament (which is Phlegmatic-Sanguine) I do tend to withdraw from the source of what is causing me to feel gloomy and lately it's been my time online.

Confession time (I've been doing a lot of this lately, haven't I?): I've been trying to put an effort into not being online much lately because I've noticed that a lot of what I have to confess happens online. It's not so much being tempted into seeing and reading things that I'm not supposed to (I have an abhorrence towards these kinds of things), but moreso my interactions with others. I'm not perfect and I'm not a saint (though it's what I strive for). I have been told that I have a seemingly infinite amount of patience but I don't always do. There are people online (and, to be honest, mostly on twitter) who have found which buttons to push to make my patience rapidly dissipate.

I hate being asked (repeatedly) about things I do not wish to talk about and when I diplomatically ask to not be badgered on these topics, I'm somehow made out to be the bad gal. Just because I blog and I am open about certain parts of my life does not mean that you are all entitled to know every single detail of my life. I'm no one special; I'm just a girl with a blog who hopes that some of the things she writes will help others in their own struggles. That is the entire point of this blog. I want others to either learn from my mistakes or that they somehow find a way to get closer to God. That's it. I'm notoriously private about certain aspects of my life (even amongst those who've personally known me for years) and I try to keep it that way for the sake of my own sanity. Also, making comments about who I am without knowing all the details is really unkind. I try not to do that with others and I'd greatly appreciate it if some of you would refrain from doing that.

A lot of what I've just written leads to me having some unkind thoughts and (when really pushed) some uncharitable words to and about those who cause me stress. That is not okay. I know that not everyone is going to like me and I'm okay with that... but I try to see the best in others and they just don't want to cooperate with me. I don't want to snap at anyone; it makes me feel really bad and I end up kicking myself for it the rest of the day. I admit that what I say and how I act towards others affects me more than how others treat me. Again, it's just how my temperament is.

I've been feeling a lot of really negative feelings lately the last couple of times I've been online. I try to limit my contact with others -- just checking my email, FB, and conversing with good friends (seriously, the #cathsorority chat about Catholicism and football (soccer) yesterday was the highlight of my week) -- and I feel really bad about it. Like I said about the #cathsorority, I love these gals and these kinds of conversations... and it makes me sad that I feel like I occasionally can't come online to have these conversations because others rain on my parade for absolutely no reason.

Who knows, maybe all of this is just a sign from God that He wants me to spend more time with Him and in prayer. He knows that I am currently at a crossroads in my life (sounds so cliché but it's true) and maybe I need some solo time to figure out what to do next. I certainly don't know. I know I just graduated college and that I shouldn't expect to find a job so soon but it's hard when we survive on only my mother's paycheck. Not only that, I have to find one that I can do with an anxiety disorder that I cannot predict. It's not easy and it's stressful. Add to that the stress that has been added by the negativity of others and, well, you can see why I've been choosing not to interact online as much as I have in the past.

To those who have been amazing the past couple of weeks: I sincerely thank you. You guys are the reason I don't completely abandon twitter and Facebook.

To those who have been a little less than kind towards me lately: please ease up a bit. I've been going through a lot lately -- a lot that I am not ready to share -- and everything you guys are pushing on me is just making it that much harder on me. Just like you, I am only human and I do have my moments where I'm just tired of all the crumbs. (Trust me, I felt very tempted to use a stronger word there.)

Anyway, I kind of want to spend the next hour or so reading and/or listening to music and then spending some time in prayer (I've been wanting to spend some time chatting with Bl. Pier Giorgio; I have a BIG intercession request to put in). Hopefully I'll feel up for my football (soccer) post tomorrow or some time soon. :) Oh, and THANK YOU for putting up with my gloomy funk post. Just needed to let it out without naming names.

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless! :D

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