Friday, May 11, 2012

Confession: I'm Angry.

I thought a picture of Mr. Darcy unhappy really suited this post.

Ready for another confession? I've been feeling very upset and detached the last couple of days... and I have no idea why. Well, I have a theory but I don't know if this is the cause for why it's hard for me to do things. See, I've realized that I get this way shortly after something major happens and I wonder if I get in this really bad funk because I am going through these milestones without my dad with me.

I was fine up until yesterday when "everything that could go wrong" has gone wrong. I think the excitement of graduation has worn off and it's been replaced with many things (feelings) that were out of my mind until recently since I now have time to actually think about them. I'm stressed about finding a job because we're currently a one income family and it's hard on us. I haven't been attending daily Mass though I now have the time. I haven't really been praying though I should. I try but it's almost like I'm forcing myself to and that gets me upset. I've been feeling really upset about several things as well. The littlest things annoy the heck out of me... and this is really out of character for me. But, like I said, I've noticed that this usually happens around major milestones -- birthdays, (now) graduation, anniversaries, etc. I never had this problem until my dad passed away... and really, not this bad (ever) so that is why I'm thinking that this is the cause.

I don't think I'll ever get past being upset that my dad passed away so soon. I still blame the doctor he had for his rapid decline. Seriously, something really fishy happened and we got no answers. Every birthday I've had since he passed away has been hard. His birthdays are hard and I'm in a funk the day before, of, and after. The day of his death (3 years on July 11th though it doesn't feel that long), I just want to be left alone and not talk to anyone. I grew up either bottling up emotions or getting them out through writing since I didn't have anyone to talk to so I mostly write and vent this way. This is sort of how I've been feeling lately.

I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to do anything. I just want to sit in my room, listen to music, and read. As I said, it started yesterday and it usually lasts anywhere between two to three days so I hope it is out of my system by tomorrow... but it's still hard. Of course I'll go to confession tomorrow and talk to my spiritual adviser (who is also my mom's first spiritual adviser -- that bit makes me feel so proud of her) because I feel completely closed off.

The day of my graduation I felt like crying... all day long. I kept clutching the locket that contained my dad's picture. It was his biggest dream to see me graduate and for him to not be there just seemed to be very unfair. He used to drive me to Santa Monica College my freshman year of college because that it where I wanted to go. We would spend an average of 2 hours trying to get there (despite not living too far) and another two trying to get get back home and he never complained because he knew that that was what I wanted. This was at a time when my anxiety was so bad that we never knew if I'd last too long in the classroom. Up until the April before he passed away, he used to drive me to my classes and would actually wait for me, in the car, until I was ready to go home. It was a lot of sacrificing on his part. I guess I'm just angry that he wasn't able to be there, next to my mom, and see me walk across the stage. He didn't get to see his hard work pay off nor did I get a chance to personally thank him for everything he did for me. I couldn't hug and kiss him and tell him how grateful I was and am. All that goes through my mind is, "it's not fair."

I'm actually crying as I type this out but it's good; I'm getting it all out of my system. I don't like feeling angry or detached. In a weird way, I feel like it's not who I am and that makes me unhappy. Like I said earlier, these feelings that I'm experiencing are quite out of character for me. I don't normally get this mad and when I do get mad, I can usually get over it in a couple of minutes. I tend to let go of the negative feelings pretty quickly but it's been hard these past two days.

Anyway, just wanted to get it out. It's unhealthy to keep emotions bottled up. See? I'm not all rainbows and sunshine all the time... though I do laugh when I hear it because I'm usually pretty mellow and/or silly. Perhaps it's time that I spent some time in prayer, asking for St. Jerome's intercession. Yes, he's who you ask when you have an anger problem/issue. Although mine might seem mild to others on the outside, it's really distressing and distracting me.

I hope y'all are doing well. Oh, and if you have anything I can offer up my anger for, please let me know. I might as well use it for good. :)

That's it for now. As always, thanks for reading and God bless!


Debbie said...

Emmy, that was very well stated. I feel that way too. My mom died 3 years ago, 2 years ago we had a still born son, and my father in law and my step father died a year and a half ago. I am 40 and the mother to 8 children, homeschooling 4 of them, and one child has spina bifida and hydrocepahlus.

Anger keeps me from doing as much as I would like. Pride is at the root of it. It is at the root of everything. Why me? Is what I ask all the time. We have a very wise priest who always asks "Why NOT you?" I am not so special as to not face trials and sufferings. I am also not so special as to not feel the pain and sorrow of these losses very deeply.

Acknowledge the feelings but don't linger on them too long. Set goals and work on those each day, knowing that there will be times that you go to bed and forgot to even say Thank you to God even once and that is when the dear ones that went before you will be able to offer up prayers on your behalf (they need something to do in purgatory and heaven!).

Please pray for me (especially since I am so OLD and set in my ways) and I will remember you in my prayers (when I remember to say them--fortunately time is not linear for God).

God Bless you

Anonymous said...

You have no idea how many of us are praying for you.
And that includes your dad, you know.