Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Memorare: When Life Doesn't Make Sense

"Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary..."

I have no idea how I managed to survive the weirdest 24 hours (from the 19th through the 20th) of my life while on a roller coaster of emotions. A professor accused me of willful, deliberate plagiarism on an annotated bibliography and was quite rude about it (he has since apologized for his words; it was all one big, ugly misunderstanding). I studied my brains out (figuratively, of course) over the course of days for an exam that I was certain I would pass with flying colors... only to find out that the professor (same one who accused me of plagiarism) gave me a 72%. I have no way of figuring out why (he closes off his exams) so I'm stuck. But, it's all okay. I'll figure things out.

"... that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thine intercession was left unaided..."

I got rid of my old desk (which I'd had for 20+ years). It was the same desk on which my first PC sat. The same desk on which many tears fell during my teen years due to bullying. It's where I sat when I got those emails from a former classmate telling me to kill myself; telling me I was worthless. It's where I started this blog... where the first draft of my first novel was written... It was where I sat when I did my research when I first reverted back to the Faith. Most importantly, it was the desk that I assembled with my father when I was a child... and that I disassembled (by myself) as an adult. In a weird way, it felt as if I was letting go of the past and all that held me back; that it was the final sentence written on that chapter of my life. I feel as if our Heavenly Mother has been (and will continue to be) by my side as I prepare for the new chapter.

"... Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my mother..."

My godson, Neil, was born. Alli (his mama) is a rock star. However, I worried about the labor as it took quite a long time. I slept with the phone next to me... took it everywhere I went (and I'm so not a phone person)... and checked in with Dustin (the dada, lol) throughout the day. I sent the Memorare prayer to Dustin during the labor so that he and Alli could pray it together while we all waited for little Neil to be born. It's the least I could do (besides pray) from across the country.

"... to thee do I come, before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful..."

I realized something (okay, a couple of things) that I didn't like about myself and some things I do. I get discouraged easily... but only briefly before I find a positive spin that motivates me. I worry... but I've been learning to trust God more so the worry hasn't lasted very long recently. The negatives are bad habits I picked up (from observation) as a child but that I've been working on breaking as an adult (I'm getting there!)

"... O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions but in thy mercy hear and answer me..."

At the end of the 24 hours (and I have omitted some more personal things), I'm surprised that I survived without a panic attack or more tears being shed. Besides the Memorare prayer, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13) kept running through my mind. Even though I was bombarded with obstacles, none of it seemed important in the "my life is over" sense. If I don't pass my courses with my, ahem, lovely professor, fine. I'll retake them. If I have to stick around for an extra semester, I'll do it... though I'm really hoping I can pull off at least B-'s in my courses this semester. If my grades stink too much for grad school (for this particular subject), I'll stay at the SLPA level. That was my initial goal anyway; work as an SLPA for a while and then go for my Theology MA. I'll be able to do exactly what I want to do (help carry out the treatment plans for the children with speech disorder) with the SLPA license.

I don't know what my future holds... but I'm okay with that. I don't think I'd want to know anyway. Though life (read: school.. and some other things) is difficult at the moment, I wouldn't trade it for an uncomplicated one. God is preparing me for whatever He has in store for me so I have to tough it out for a while. I believe these trials are there for a reason I do not know or understand but I trust Him completely. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me..." It was one heck of a 24 hour period but I'll be okay. I know that God and Mama Mary have my back and that's more than enough for me.

"Amen."

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Social Media: Over-sharing and Disconnecting

First, happy feast of St. Teresa of Avila. As a writer, she's an inspiration. As a student, her feast day will always be tied to the day I was officially accepted to Utah State University for the program I'm currently in. She was one of the saints that have been with my throughout my reversion and one that I've learned a lot from. :D

Now that that has been said... I wanted to share something a friend once said to me. This friend made a surprisingly accurate comment about me -- I share a lot but I don't really share much. Re-read that if you have to. Still not getting it? See, as an introvert who doesn't really talk much in person, I tend to "talk" a lot on social media... like on Twitter. I reply, I engage, I share. Same goes for my blog. I share a lot... but, as some of you may have noticed, there are some off-limit topics. I'm pretty much like that in person as well. My relationships are the most off-limit topic both on- and offline. Don't ask because I will either make a joke about it or simply change the topic. Stuff that goes on between my mom and I? Off-limits. Stuff like that I won't share... but I do share other things.

Watching a futbol match? You bet I'm going to share my comments. I got the most RTs during the World Cup for a reason folks (I over-share my "feels" when it comes to futbol). Something school or faith related? I'll share to an extent; I'll share what I feel comfortable sharing. Randomness? Have you seen my tweets? lol. Most are random. So, yes, I do share a lot... but I don't really share much.

Lately, I haven't been doing much of it* (compared to other times). Yes, I'm approaching 100k tweets... but I've had that account for almost 7 years now. I share less blogging (obviously) because I've been so busy with school and trying to figure out a slew of things going on with me. That's going to change in less than two months (God willing...) but that's because I've decided on a new plan for my social media usage.

As some of you have noticed, I've started to disconnect. I reply to tweets and DMs less often. Those who text me have noticed that I take longer to reply (seriously, I can go all day without even looking at my phone). Emails take hours (or even a day or two) as opposed to minutes to reply. Basically, I made a conscience decision to be more "off the grid"... and it's been hard. At the same time, I remind myself that a lot of what I do share is pointless so I try to refrain from doing it. Again, hard but I'm taking baby steps.

As I said, I'm very much an introvert (and most of my CA friends have moved away) so a lot of my socializing is done through technology. I do snail mail some friends but I still connect mostly online and through text messages. Because I'm so connected, it's hard to disconnect... but it's been good for me. I've slipped a couple of times but am mostly on track where I want to be in terms of my social media use. It helps that I'm sometimes too busy with schoolwork. 

I've heard of F.O.M.O. (fear of missing out) syndrome and I do agree that it's very real... but I also feel like I've become disinterested in what I "miss" online. I don't feel the urge to go through all the tweets I've missed. I know that I can always go to an individual's profile and look up their tweets if I want/need to. My closest friends know how to best get a hold of me away from Twitter and social media... and most do. If I need to talk to someone (either for advice, for a pep talk, or a quick chat) and they're too far away, I'll use text or Google Talk. I'm not much of a phone person so it's usually a quick message through Google Talk. I'm so disinterested in my phone that, despite it being an "old" (read: more than 3 years old) smartphone (Android), I have no desire to upgrade it unless it decides to quit on me.

I don't know if I'm either burnt out on social media (so much of it), I'm simply too busy, my independence is showing, or if it's just my age (and I'm not that old; hush, peanut gallery... you know who you are :-P), but I just don't have much of an interest in social media as I once did. I get my Catholic news delivered to my inbox and I'm subscribed to my favorite blogs so I'm not missing out there.

I have a bigger desire to blog and connect through this platform. Instead of "micro-blogging" on Twitter, you're going to see a lot more posts and a lot less tweets. I might step up the updated on the blog's FB page when I am too busy to blog (like for the next two weeks; so many exams and research papers due...) but it'll still be connected to the blog that way.

I've really missed blogging the way I used to so I'm going to be returning to those "roots." I could blame Twitter for the decline in blogging (because it's so much easier to tweet news than to wait to share it with everyone in a post) but I won't. That was my own decision... just like it's my decision to revert to my old ways prior to my excessive use of Twitter. lol.

Will this help some of the random over-sharing? It's possible. I'm a lot more conscience of what I share on the blog so the randomness may subside somewhat but I'm also kind of a dork (again, no comment from the peanut gallery) so I'll have my random posts sprinkled in from time to time. lol. 

Anyway, just wanted to share this. ;) Now, if you'll excuse me, I have two exams to study for (first one is on Friday, second next Monday). :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Busy Catholic: Break Up the Rosary

Isn't my custom made rosary pretty?

No, I'm not breaking up with the Rosary, I'm simply breaking it up to fit my crazy busy schedule. Wait, I'm not starting this blog post the way I wanted...

Hi! Welcome to another edition of "Emmy is procrastinating on her homework, only it's not really procrastination because she's actually ahead of schedule." ;) Yeah, I have no idea how that happened but I'm actually on top of my stuff... and even a bit ahead of time. I'm going to keep the momentum going (there's a chance I can finish a class or two early) while I have the motivation. However, I can take a break from that to share something that my spiritual director shared with me regarding the Rosary since it is the feast of Our Lady of the Rosary.

I don't think I have to tell you how important it is to pray the Rosary. I'm sure I don't have to tell you about how Pope St. Piux IX said:
"Give me an army saying the Rosary and I will conquer the world."

... how St. Pio of Pietrelcina (aka Padre Pio) said:
"The Rosary is the 'weapon' for these times."

... and how Ven. Abp. Fulton Sheen said:
"The rosary is the book of the blind, where souls see and there enact the greatest drama of love the world has ever known; it is the book of the simple, which initiates them into mysteries and knowledge more satisfying than the education of other men; it is the book of the aged, whose eyes close upon the shadow of this world, and open on the substance of the next. The power of the rosary is beyond description."
If you haven't talked to our Mama lately, I highly encourage you to do so. If you, like me, have said to yourself, "well, I want to but I don't have the time to put aside 15-25 minutes to pray the Rosary", may I make a suggestion that my SD recommended to me? Break up the Rosary into decades throughout the day.

I used to lament that I didn't have the time to carve out a solid 15-25 minutes to dedicate to praying the Rosary during the day. I honestly don't even have time to make myself something to eat some days; I'm so grateful to my mom who understands that there are days that I'm so swamped, I need help making sure I eat (do y'all understand part of the weight loss now?) Yeah, this program is that intense. I can get morning prayers done because I have gotten into the habit of not leaving my bed until prayers are said. Night prayers are said before I turn off the lights and zonk out. Those are easy to do but during the day it's harder. When I brought it up with my SD, he said "break it up throughout the day." It's logical yet... I didn't think of it.

How many of you have honestly not considered/thought about doing this; about breaking it up throughout the day? I think I was so used to praying all 5 decades in one sitting that I didn't even consider the fact that, yes, I could break it up when I'm at my busiest. I do take 5 minute breaks from coursework every now and then (read: every hour or so). I check Twitter and/or emails. I go to the kitchen and pick up a plate or bowl of whatever my mom made for me. I get up and stretch before continuing, etc. Praying a decade during my short break can easily be done.

I actually have time to pray the Rosary in one sitting today but I know it'll be harder later this week into next week when my next round of exams start. Not only do I have regular lectures and assignment, I also have a fairly large research paper (which I opted to do by myself instead of in a group) due towards the end of this month, AND I have to my observational hours (a minimum of 100 hours are needed in order to get a SLPA license in California) to do. I haven't even mentioned that I have a stomach ultrasound on Friday (side note: prayers, please; I hope we get answers) and that I have a quick trip out of the country to make over the weekend. Busy, busy, busy. Still, I know I can't be too busy to catch up with my Mama. What a terrible daughter would I be if I ignored everything she's done for me lately?

Anyway, this busy Catholic just wanted to share this suggestion with y'all. :D

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to pray the Rosary before I get sidetracked by something. :D

I hope y'all are having a good week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

How St. Therese Helped Me Through My 20s

I'm in full St. Therese fangirl mode today. I bought the prettiest roses I could find (which you're currently seeing; the dark pink color symbolizes gratitude and appreciation) and I am watching the Therese movie via Amazon since it's free to watch with a Prime membership. The reason why today is so important to me is because St. Therese has been one of my best heavenly friends, especially in my 20s. This is the last St. Therese feast day in which I will be in my 20s (I'll be 30 in May) so I thought it would be appropriate to reflect on how she's helped me through this decade.

As most of you know, I reverted to the Faith shortly after I turned 21. The seeds of my reversion were planted at age 19 (a month before I turned 20; during the election of Pope Benedict XVI, actually) but I didn't fully return until 21. I was actually quite reluctant to ask St. Therese for her intercession when I had been a fresh reverted because she's so popular. I thought to myself "maybe I should find saints who are less well-known". However, St. Therese kept coming up and I eventually gave in and learned more about her.

St. Therese and I became good friends by the time I was 23. Her story inspired me (especially since I discerned the religious life between the ages of 22 and 23) and I began to learn how to let go of my immature habits through her story. Sadly, it is not my vocation to be a religious sister but a great love for nuns was established during this time and I still fangirl whenever I see them. Seriously, just look at my face when there are nuns within view. lol.

She and Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati became my best heavenly friends when I started classes at my CINO college alma mater. As many of you know, that was a nightmare because of the Church, Pope (Emeritus) Benedict XVI, and priest bashing. I would sit through lectures, often unable to speak up (they knew my "trad" leanings, especially after I wore a veil to the Red Mass on campus), and occasionally cry whenever I heard them drag the Church through the mud.

During my first year there, I received a strand of sacrifice beads which I used whenever they spoke horrible (sometimes downright and openly heretical) things in lectures. In between classes, I would go to the chapel and pray or I would spend some time at the St. Therese alcove near the chapel. Most of my loveliest memories of my time at that prison involve time spent in front of the statue of St. Therese. There were a lot of tears, a lot of prayers, and a lot of moments in which I felt inner peace and they all involved St. Therese during my academic career. (side note: during the first Lent at the CINO college, I began the (now) annual tradition of using this St. Therese book during Lent.)

In my final year (I was there for only two years since I'd transferred from a community college), I made a shirt (which I think I have a picture of somewhere on this blog... please don't make me look for the link, lol) with a picture of St. Therese and the quote "For one pain endured with joy, we shall love the good God more forever." Yes, I deliberately chose that quote because it was my way of peacefully protesting what was being "taught" at that school. Whenever the Sisters who taught my courses made me cry (and I was openly attacked by at least one of them during lectures) I would remember to offer it up and would try to imagine what St. Therese would've done if she were in my shoes.

After graduation, I did freelance writing but I knew I couldn't continue because of how financially unstable it was. I was unsure if I should have gone for the Theology M.A. or if I had been right in choosing to switch career paths to SLP. I had submitted my application to USU shortly before her feast day last year and on her feast day I received a pink rose as a sign that I had chosen the right path. I was accepted on St. Teresa of Avila's feast day (two Teresas!) and have been on this path since.

During this past year, there have been many times that I have turned to St. Therese (she's become my vocation patroness) and she's showered me with roses. One of my favorite stories (which only a handful of friends knew until now) is from this past summer. I was driving past a house that I had (and have since) passed several times when I noticed they had beautiful pink roses in bloom. I even pointed it out to the passenger in the car, and said, in passing that I wondered if it was St. Therese's sign for me since I had been doing a novena to her at the time. Here's the kicker: that was the ONLY time those roses were pink. We passed by that house 2-3 days later and the roses were red. We've passed by that house for weeks afterward and they've stayed red. Unless there are some roses that start pink (and not dark pink) and end up bright red in the span of 2 days, we have no explanation other than they were a sign from St. Therese that things would work out (and they did). I know I didn't imagine the color because it was confirmed by the person who was with me.

As those of you who have been reading the blog lately know, I've been unsure about continuing SLP (into the Master's program) for a number of reasons. Today, on St. Therese's feast day, I received an email telling me that ASHA (American Speech-Language-Hearing Association) had paired me with an established SLP to mentor me through graduation next year. I have yet to receive a rose (I asked for specific colors for SLP and for Theology) but St. Therese has helped me through so much, I know she'll send me one when the time is right.

There are a number of other stories (some way too personal to share) that involve St. Therese but let's just say that she's helped me through many of my hardest moments since my reversion. I know St. Therese won't discontinue to be there for me as soon as I turn 30, but I am grateful to have had her by my side through most of my 20s.

I hope all of you who did the novena to St. Therese receive a rose from her in the near future (if you already haven't). Never be afraid to ask her for her intercession, especially regarding vocations. It's been through her intercession that I've realized my career path and it's her intercession that I ask for when I pray for my friends who are discerning their vocations (especially my seminarian friends, Andrew and Thomas).

Anyway, that's my story. I tried to keep it as "in a nutshell" as possible or else this blog entry would've been at least twice as long. lol.

I hope y'all are enjoying her feast day and I'll leave y'all with my favorite quote by St. Therese...

"Jesus deigned to teach me this mystery. He set before me the book of nature; I understood how all the flowers He has created are beautiful, how the splendor of the rose and the whiteness of the lily do not take away from the perfume of the little violet or the delightful simplicity of the daisy. I understood that if all flowers wanted to be roses, nature would lose her springtime beauty, and the fields would no longer be decked out with little wildflowers. And so it is in the world of souls, Jesus' garden. He willed to create great souls comparable to lilies and roses but He has created smaller ones and these must be content to be daisies or violets destined to give joy to God's glances when He looks down at His feet. Perfection consists of doing His will in being what He wills us to be."

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Thursday, September 25, 2014

The Big "M" Word: Marriage

I want to ask all my fellow single ladies (and you single gentlemen who we've seen talking about marriage on Twitter lately; yes, we've noticed) a couple of very important questions. I know many of us have a desire to marry and have children... but why? Have you really discerned your vocation? Ladies, do you want to get married for the wedding planning and the party part? Do you just think about getting that diamond engagement ring; showing it off to everyone? Do you want to get married solely because you feel unloved and you want to feel loved?

These may seem like harsh questions but I don't think I've ever seen conversations (beyond my own with my best friend and with a good guy friend who is thinking about getting engaged to his girlfriend) or blog posts in which they were asked. I apologize if the questions offend or unsettle you... but I believe these (and others) are important to think about. I've heard of (and have seen young women) who want to get married for the wrong reasons.

Here's my story: when talking about vocations, my spiritual director asked me how I knew I was called to marriage and not to another vocation. I wasn't prepared with a good answer. "I've prayed about it, in front of the tabernacle, and I feel, deep down, that it's my vocation" wasn't good enough. It was all true; I did pray and the desire to get married and have children grew whenever I was in front of the tabernacle. There was no doubt in my mind that that was my vocation. However, I didn't really get deeper than that. For weeks after, I thought about it. I returned to my spiritual director with my answer... which I think (from his expression) surprised him. Again, besides my conversations with my best friend and one of my closest guy friends, I'd never really talked about it but now my SD knows why I'm certain that it's my vocation.

I know you'll all be curious as to know why but it's something that's so personal that I'm not sure I want to share just yet. However, I will share a couple of thoughts. While I felt like it was my vocation, it wasn't until a year ago that I could honestly say that I could see myself getting married. I've always been incredibly independent and I worried that I would never meet a guy who I could see myself growing old with. It was a selfish mentality; I had my goals and I had my responsibilities and I couldn't see myself bringing a guy into the equation. I wasn't ready and I knew that it would be terrible to bring someone else into my life while I was figuring out career and vocation questions. Then I had two big epiphany moments in which I not only realized what I was doing (including trying to suppress feelings I'd had for years, done out of fear) but I also realized that I finally understood why it was my vocation when I accepted those feelings.

I don't want to get married for the party. In fact, I want a church wedding and maybe a small reception for family and closest family friends only. For the record, I have absolutely no pinterest boards for my dream wedding. I will not think about what I want for my wedding until there's a reason for it... and even then I will be focusing on preparing for the Sacrament of Marriage. I just know I want to get married in a church.

I don't want a diamond engagement ring nor will I be shoving my ring finger in people's faces in the future. I think there's a lot of pressure on guys to spend three months' worth of salary on the ring and I think that's ridiculous. Besides, I don't like diamonds anyway. Future fella: don't worry about it. I'd prefer an emerald if you really want me to have a ring with a gemstone on it. lol.

I don't want to get married because I feel unloved. I actually feel like I have a lot of love in my life from family and friends. Most importantly, I feel God's love for me, even when I'm going through something rough and I'm not too happy that my prayers weren't answered in ways I hoped for. There is no greater love than the love God has for us all and you can't replace it with any love you may find on this earth.

It was actually a good friend (who doesn't actually know this... and might put puzzle pieces together if they read this blog post) who unintentionally helped me figure things out. I'll stop there because I'm not comfortable expanding on it just yet. I will say that I constantly pray for my future husband (whoever he may be). I may not know who he is or what he's going through but I know that everyone is need of prayer. He may have temptations, bad habits, family or personal issues, vocation doubts, etc. I don't have to wait to know who is and/or what his story is for me to pray for him.

I'm not saying that I have all the answers or that I'm correct in my thoughts -- though my SD has yet to correct or challenge them. I just wanted to share this because I've seen so many "I just want to get married! I'm tired of being alone!", "I just want children; I wish husbands were optional!", and other similar comments floating around, especially amongst the 25+ set. Take a couple of minutes and think about it; why do you want to get married? Are the words "Sacrament of Marriage" just words to you or do you understand the importance of them? This is my challenge to all of you who I've seen talking (well, tweeting) about the desire to be married.

Alright, I need to get back to studying for my COMD courses and for my first Statistics midterm coming up at the end of next week.

I hope y'all are having a good week thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D