Faith Trials: "I Can't" Becomes "I Can" and "I Trust"

I know. It's been a while since my last blog post. As I wrote last time, I've been going through a lot of medical issues. I say "a lot" because it seems like it but, in reality, it's not that much in the grand scheme of things. I unfortunately got a skin infection that spread and it took almost an entire month to go from start to finish... and I'm not done yet since I still have at least one or two more wound evaluations and a 10-day round of antibiotics to get through before I'm (hopefully) all done. Doctors have told me it's been a community thing and I actually found out that it's true. I've had three other neighbors tell me that they've had the same issue.

I've had so many people say, quite pityingly, "Oh, you've suffered so much" yet I don't believe I have. I've had excellent doctors, nurses, and now physical therapists for wound care at great hospitals. My blood work has come back perfect. Yes, terrible acid reflux stinks but that's not unique to me and it's gotten better. Yes, I'm currently slightly underweight from the multiple days that I wasn't able to eat for several hours (13+ hours at the hospital sometimes). I have a fast metabolism so losing weight is easier than gaining it but I can add more calories into my diet and cut back on my exercise for a bit to help the weight gain. I have a roof over my head, food to eat, a bed to sleep in, friends and family who are praying for me... where is the suffering?

Before I go on, let me just give you a brief medical history. I was an extraordinarily healthy child. I rarely got sick. Not even the chickenpox at age 8 kept me down for long. It wasn't until I developed anxiety at 15 that things changed... but I was still healthy. If you didn't know, anxiety can manifest itself in physical symptoms. Heart palpitations, cold sweat, lightheaded/dizziness, stomach issues, lack of appetite, lack of sleep, physical pains in the most random places, extreme fatigue, etc. It doesn't mean you're not healthy; it's just your body reacting to the natural "fight or flight" response that the anxiety triggers. So, sure, I haven't felt 100% all the time because of anxiety but I've been quite healthy for the most part. For some people -- especially the ones who don't have experience with anxiety -- it may seem like I'm "always sick" because the anxiety mimics symptoms that would suggest I'm not well when I really am.

The last time I went through something remotely similar to what I'm going through now was right before my reversion to the faith, 9 years ago this summer. However, unlike the last time, a lot of "I can't" moments have become "I can" and "I trust." 9 years ago all the physical symptoms of anxiety hit me at once and it was something I'd never experienced. Because I was in the hospital so often and the doctors couldn't find anything (nor did they even entertain the possibility of it being connected to anxiety until years down the line), I developed medical PTSD. A lot of my fears about going to the hospital, being sick, and going through pain have been the ones I've had to face this past month. Who wants to go to the hospital 2-3 times a week for the past 3 weeks, even if it's just to get a wound checked? No one. Yet, I've done that and have been okay.

The first time they diagnosed and treated the abscess on my jaw/chin, I shook as soon as I found out they had to do a surgical procedure. I teared up in the minutes leading up to it because of that fear. It was something I'd never experienced. I had one of my rosaries in my hand throughout the entire procedure. Though it hurt so much, I kept telling the doctor continue. By the time the second abscess had ruptured and had to be drained, I was a lot calmer. I didn't cry once, even though the pain was much worse because of the location (chest wall). The doctors and nurses even commented on how I had done "the best" out of the patients they'd seen with abscesses on that particular day (there were 4 of us on one particular day).

I had no real moment of anxiety or even panic attack beyond the first trip to the E.R. I was naturally, occasionally nervous, sure, but not overly anxious. The days I knew I was in for a world of pain (when they repacked the wounds), I had no anxiety despite knowing what I was to endure. I prayed the Rosary and other prayers for everyone in the E.R., for the doctors and nurses, etc. I joked with the nurses and doctors. I read books. I listened to music. I tweeted. A lot. lol. Even when I had fleeting moments of fear, I automatically said "okay, this is happening but I trust God." I reminded myself of the pain Christ endured on the cross. I remembered the spear that pierced His side when I had to have my chest all abscess drained. I offered things up for the souls in purgatory as well as friends going through rough times. I made myself become a "brave little toaster" and I faced all those fears straight with God in mind. "I can do this" and "I trust in Him" have been the mantras that have kept me going. That and remembering that I have a handsome little godson who needs his godmother to be strong and not give up.

After going through the spiritual desert at the beginning of last month, followed by temptations and experiencing a rough period of loneliness, going an intense attack literally a day or two before the abscess nonsense began, and then going through (almost) a month of dealing physical medical issues I've had people tell me that they think I've been going through some sort of spiritual attack. I actually talked about it with my spiritual director and we're not dismissing it, especially with how random and sudden some of these things happened... and in succession. If that's the case, I'm just glad that my faith has remained intact.

My faith has not wavered during the last two months of what I've gone through. If anything, I feel like it's pulled me closer to God. Every moment of "suffering" (again, I use the word with quotations because what I've gone through isn't even close to the suffering other people go through on a daily basis) has just reminded me of how wonderfully loving and merciful God is. I know He doesn't rejoice in seeing me go through pain and everything else. Yet, He hasn't and will never abandon me and that's so comforting.

When I had the two surgical procedures done, I envisioned Mama Mary at my head, St. Therese on my right side, and Bl. Pier Giorgio on my left side. My imagination is rich enough that I could picture it into my mind to help me through it. During the last surgical procedure, I even pictured Sts. Cosmas and Damian (twin saint physicians who are the patrons of doctors) on either side of the doctor who performed the procedure. I held onto my rosary for the first one and I had it in my pocket for the second since I help the doctor for the second one. I never failed to wear either my brown scapular or my Miraculous Medal. It's been my faith that has kept me going... and will continue to help me during my recovery time.

I sincerely believe (as does my spiritual director, apparently) that all this has been preparing me for something bigger and better in my near future. Whether that be career, school, and/or vocation (big V vocation, that is) related, I don't know. But the fact that I've had to face my biggest fears seemingly all at once has to be for a reason. Maybe God wants me to see that I'm stronger that I've thought. Maybe He is preparing me for career that will have me stepping out of my comfort zone... something that I would've used anxiety as an excuse not to explore. Maybe He is preparing me for marriage and motherhood, helping me see that I can not only take care of myself during some rough times but also other people when in the past I've had the mentality that, because I was sick, I was basically useless to everyone. Whatever it is, I am truly grateful to have gone through everything. These past two months have taught me to not only believe in myself but to have confidence and trust in Him and others.

I'm sorry for writing to much but I just really wanted to share this with y'all. :) Don't worry, I'm pretty sure I'm done talking about this for a while. lol. I seem to be on the mend so all I'm going to focus on now (besides finishing the antibiotic and resting) is the start of grad school next month. :)

To everyone who has prayed for me during this crazy summer (see? I told y'all in May that summer is usually the worst time for me), I just wanted to say a huge "thank you!" Thank you for the prayers, the support, the love, the encouraging words... just, everything. I know I already said that and apologized for the crazy amount of tweets but I still wanted to do it again.

I hope everyone has a great weekend, especially those who are starting classes next week... or have started the semester this week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

A Massive "Sorry" and "Thank You!"

Before I begin, let me just apologize profusely for the amount of tweets and updates I've been giving over social media over the past two weeks. I'm really, really sorry but that's how I cope with my anxiety. To avoid panic attacks (which, miraculously, has been under control) I have to talk about whatever can potentially cause a panic attack. I promise to try to go back to my normal tweeting habits.

If you're following me on Twitter you most likely know why I haven't been blogging for the past 2 weeks; lots and lots of E.R. trips. None have been serious (thank goodness!) but it's been a pain overall.

There is so much but I'll try to condense the basics into a paragraph. Okay... here we go: basically, I've been in the E.R. about 5 times in two weeks. I ended up with 3 abscesses almost at the same time. Apparently I got a contagious skin infection from somewhere (doctor said you could get it anywhere, including furniture). Most likely, I got it from somewhere like a grocery store cart or a chair somewhere because I don't really go out much. Yeah, germophobes are cringing right now. After the first one popped, it spread to my chin/jaw area and then to my lower chest area. I had to get them both surgically drained, two weeks apart. The first 3 E.R. visits were because my doctor had no openings for appointments. Really, there was no option but to go to the E.R. because it was something that couldn't wait. First I had to get the second abscess drained, then repacked, and then checked out one last time. Fourth E.R. visit was because the last abscess (on my chest wall) burst after I took antibiotic and once it burst, it needed to be drained. Last E.R. visit was because I kept fainting and because I felt like I was choking when I ate and even when I drank water. Those are the basics.

We think we have explanations for the reasons why I was in the E.R. the last time. The fainting seems to be a delayed reaction the sight of blood and to the pain I feel. The first time I almost completely blacked out was after I got home from the E.R. and I had seen the amount of blood I was losing. The second time was shortly after I changed the wound dressing. Yesterday I was blacking out again after they repacked the wound at the doctor's office because the pain had been so intense that I guess I couldn't handle it. I didn't stand up for more than like 5 minutes before I went down. I have to go back and get the wound checked and possibly repacked at the hospital's wound care department next week but I'm going to ask for some sort of numbing or pain killer because I really don't enjoy fainting. lol.

Before anyone asks, they checked the blood work -- everything is perfect. It's the first time my platelets are in normal range in years. Red and white blood count (and hemoglobin) are within normal range. I'm solid there so it's not like I'm fainting due to anemia (yay, no more anemia!) or losing too much blood. It's simply that I can't handle seeing large amounts of blood or the pain.

As for the choking sensation, it looks like it's really, really bad acid reflux. After they gave me Maalox at the E.R., I felt better. The choking sensation, the shortness of breath, and the chest pressure alleviated. I've been dealing with that (shortness and breath and chest pressure) for about 2 months now but I couldn't get a doctor's appointment. I literally waited 3 months before I could see my primary doctor last Friday because the new healthcare rules gave doctors a cap for patients. My childhood doctor (whom we paid out of pocket to see) gave me a referral to the gastro department at the hospital so they can get it checked out. He said medication can only mask symptoms and not get down to the actual cause. He was unhappy with my regular doctor (who is technically a nurse practitioner) for not doing anything else. He's worried about my weight loss. I've lost about 6 lbs in less than 2 months; which means I'm a bit underweight again. I'm about 5'7" so 115 lbs is slightly under the 118 lbs minimum for my height. The reason for my weight loss is because, despite being super hungry, I feel like I can't breathe when I eat. That is a big problem. Also, sometimes I'm at the hospital for 13+ hours and they don't allow me to eat so... hello, unwelcomed weight loss. Hopefully I'll be able to get an appointment to gastro soon.

So that's pretty much all. Just a lot of things to deal with at once. I think I should be on the mend now. The current wound doesn't hurt as much anymore. I've been able to move more today. The chin/jaw wound is pretty much healed, the scar can be seen. All I have to deal with now is making sure the current wound is dressed clean every day. Hopefully I won't need repacking on Monday but the doctor warned me that it most likely will. As for the other stuff, I'm on a very bland diet but have been eating without problems over the last two days so we're making progress there. Slow and steady, my friends.

I wanted to thank everyone for the overwhelming amount of love, prayers, and supportive words that I've received over the past two weeks. I honestly feel like it's because of your prayers that I've been able to remain calm and have courage through everything I've been through the past couple of weeks. People I don't even know -- or barely know through social media -- have been praying for me and it makes me teary eyed. I'm tearing up as I write this out. I have no idea what I've done to deserve such love and compassion but I'm truly grateful to everyone for everything they've done for me.

So that's it... for now. I really want to get into how my faith played a big role in my being able to cope with everything these past two weeks but I'll save that for next time. I don't want to post too much at once. :)

Alright, well, I have to go pick up mom from work and then get some groceries (in 100+ degree weather... oy...) because we're out.

I hope y'all have a great weekend and a great feast of the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

So, Last Night's Emergency Room Trip...

I took this picture after I left the Emergency Room last night.

As some of you know from Twitter or FB, yesterday I was taken to the E.R. quite ill. I tried to hold out as long as I could as the county hospital wait times are ridiculous but I really could not. I felt horrible, was incredibly dizzy, and nearly fainted while I was walking. They did an EKG and said my heart was fine and I had no symptoms of a stroke which they ruled out right away. I spent 6 hours in the E.R. and the doctor said I had a bad panic/anxiety attacks as well as dehydration, low blood pressure (according to the 1st nurse who also hit on me while I felt like crumbs), and high blood sugar levels (170 according to the 2nd nurse). I had eaten two Pop-Tarts on an empty stomach an hour or two before the blood sugar level was taken so I'm guessing that was the elevated blood sugar level but they still want me to get tested for diabetes. I had already gotten blood work done (a month ago) and that was okay and I've gotten my blood sugar level taken twice in the past 4 months and it's been normal so I'm not stressing too much. More blood work to go along with the thyroid level blood work I have to get done this week. *sigh*. I hate needles. At least it wasn't worse and for that I am grateful.

I felt like crumbs a couple of hours but half of my stay in the E.R. was spent waiting around, reading Pride and Prejudice on my iPod touch Kindle, and drinking a huge cup of ice water (I didn't know they made them that big) that the doctor wanted me to drink (and additional two water bottles I had with me) to get me hydrated. I got to pray the 54 day Rosary novena and the St. Jude novenas before I left too, which was good because I didn't go home until about midnight and I would've had to start all over.

Although it was scary I am grateful that it was taken care of quickly. I had actually started feeling sick at Mass around noon, and was uber dizzy and lightheaded in Mass and wanted to hold onto the pews while in line to receive communion but I didn't want to say anything, and I just let it get worse which I should not do. Unfortunately, though I want to take it easy, it doesn't seem that it'll happen. I could go on a rant about this but I'll just say that it makes me upset that after everything that happened yesterday and considering how exhausted I feel today, it's just not nice to make me feel like crumbs for wanting to rest today. I will try to make it to Mass today but I'm just not feeling up to driving or, really, going out at all. We'll see how it goes.

To everyone who prayed for me yesterday, THANK YOU! The wait times at the county hospitals are usually between 12 to 24 hours so my 6 hours were nothing and I think your prayers really did it. :)

I hope y'all are doing much better than I am and that you will have a great week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless.

Happy All Saints' Day!

Happy All Saints' Day everyone! I hope you all say a little prayer of thanks to all the saints... your patron saints and other saints... for giving us wonderful examples of how to be good Catholic Christian people. Also, for all the intercessions they've done on our behalf during our most difficult moments. If you've read my blog long enough, you know how appreciative I am of saints. I love 'em. :D I know it's not mandatory for us in the U.S. to go to Mass tonight because this day of obligation falls on a Saturday and it transfers to tomorrow's Mass. I would stay, though, if I could. Unfortunately, I don't think I am going to stick around the Mass tonight, after confessions, because I've been feeling very weak and like I'm going to faint.

I honestly don't even know if I'll make it to confessions tonight. I feel just blah. Don't know what's up but I hope it's just something that will go away by itself and doesn't require me to go to the doctor... or the E.R. Prayers are definitely welcomed because this is one of the worst feelings to have.

I had a dream last night that I went to the E.R. because I'd accidentally swallowed a staple. Seriously. I've also been dreaming quite frequently that I'm going to die... or that it's the end of the world. Eh. I think it's just all stress related. I mean, I had a mini panic attack this morning but I think it's all the stress that I've had recently finally being released out of my system. I definitely have delayed reactions when it comes to my anxiety. I'm weird like that. lol.

I don't have much to write beyond this. Really, I wanted to wish everyone a good All Saints' Day. I hope y'all aren't hung over (from the sugar high/rush and then crash) from all the Halloween parties you might've attended. You know who you are. lol.

Alright, I think I'm going to go lay down for a bit. Hope everyone's doing well. :D As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.
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Quick Update

I was taken to the Emergency Room of one of the county hospitals on Tuesday a bit after midnight and spent 14 hours there. They thought I had appendicitis but it wasn't the case (thank goodness!). I had a bunch of tests done, including a CT Scan. Anyhoo, for those of y'all who've done a CT Scan -- you know the icky liquid (the contrast) they make you take prior to the exam. That liquid has made me nauseous and totally wrecked havoc on my stomach and digestive system for the first couple of days. It's early Friday morning (18 minutes past midnight) so I don't know how I will be feeling later, but I'm hoping it's all good. Just wanted to give y'all an update because a few people have started worrying. If my friends don't hear from me in 2 days, they go into panic mode. I am fine, just a little scare. No guarantees that I will be on the rest of the weekend but hopefully I will... especially since I have a blog I really want to write. Let's just say that these days that I've been sick have really made me think... and Our Lady of Guadalupe has played a HUGE role in everything that's happened lately. :D When in need, ask for her intercession and she will deliver. Gracias, Madre Santa. :D

I hope y'all are doing well. Thanks for reading and God Bless.
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Rosary in the E.R., Panic in Mass, Novel, and The Miracle of Our Lady of Fatima.

Where to begin? So much has gone on since the last blog (hence the long gap between blogs) that I don't even know where to begin. I guess I should start with more recent things and work my way back a bit.

Yesterday, on one of my favorite unofficial holidays (April Fool's), I was taken to the E.R. because they wouldn't see me at my regular doctor's. It was so dumb! They said I had to go to the emergency room because I couldn't breathe and haven't been able to for about a week. I have a feeling it's allergies but they didn't want to take a chance. So I was there for 13 hours (from 3 p.m. until 4:15 a.m. the next day) for them to tell me it is anxiety attack. Okay, so... if it's an anxiety attack, why do I have it 24/7 (yes, all day, all the time)? Why is my nose a bit stuffy? Why am I a bit fatigued? Why do I feel like I'm going to cough? Obviously, the allergy symptoms must mean I have been having a week long anxiety attack. (And, I must apologize for that bit of sarcasm). I'm just really upset that they made me wait for that long, and they didn't even check me properly. They did two EKGs and chest x-rays to make sure it wasn't a heart attack. I mentioned to the doctor that I thought it was allergies and wanted a test and he basically ignored me and said it was all anxiety. Ugh. That is one thing I will always worry about -- doctors using my anxiety as a cop-out to not properly check me. That's what they have been doing lately, too. That's why my therapist is going to talk to my doctor, to get me tested for different things including allergies, so they can honestly rule those things out and say that it is anxiety. It's totally horrible to feel like everyone thinks you're making things up in your mind once they find out you have anxiety. It's absolutely frustrating. I cursed a bit while in the E.R. (words that have been foreign from my vocabulary somehow found their way out of my mouth), I unintentionally said God's name in vain and I just felt horrible that those things had come out of my mouth. Ugh. I pray to God that if I ever have to go back to that hospital, that I am seen by someone else and get through quicker because the entire experience sucked.

Another thing that upset me -- they gave me a pregnancy test (without me knowing it) even after I'd repeatedly said that there was absolutely no way I could be pregnant. Did they think I was just saying that to be funny? I thought they'd given me the test to see if everything was alright elsewhere and when the doctor said "Well, your pregnancy test came back negative" I was just really ticked off. I even said (pretty bluntly) that there was no way someone who is waiting until marriage (and isn't married) to be pregnant. I was absolutely not happy with how I was treated. This is something I will be talking about in therapy because I still have some issues with everything.

One thing I managed to do, though not too well, was pray and say the rosary in the E.R. waiting room. I was interrupted a couple of times but I tried super hard to concentrate on the Glorious Mysteries and I think I did fairly well considering where I was and what was going on around me. I also owe a big part of keeping somewhat sane in those wee hours of the day to Our Lady of Guadalupe who I prayed to for help because I had started to feel shaky and just horrible. Lack of sleep and lack of food is a dangerous combination for me... especially the lack of food part because I need to eat every couple of hours. I totally thought of St. Jude, St. Dymphna and St. Teresa of Avila while I was there. It really helped me not focus on the really bad things that were happening around me.

Oh man... I just got a pain in my lower right side of my stomach. I actually started getting these stabbing pains in this particular spot yesterday at the E.R. and they come and go at the most random times... like now. It feels like a small knife, or something sharp, is poking you every couple of seconds... it's so horrible. Okay, well... sorry for that little interlude, sometimes I just write as I think.

So, before all of that E.R. madness (the day before, actually) I had some issues with going to Mass. See, every weekend is completely weird because I never know how I will be in terms of anxiety. Easter weekend was amazing because not only was I able to make it through the entire mass, but Fr. Leo congratulated me for making it through the Mass. It was a real feat for me to do it. Last weekend, we had to look for another parish because my parents wanted to go shopping (that is something I will write about in an upcoming blog) and apparently my English Mass was getting in the way of it. So I said, fine, I'd find a parish that offered English Mass closer to where they wanted to go shopping (after me getting really upset about that whole deal). On our way to the parish, I got a massive panic attack. I couldn't breathe because I was stuffed up and then I just felt like I was going to completely stop breathing. (Side note: I've gone through enough panic attacks to distinguish them from other things... which is why I am set that I currently have allergies.) So that prevented me from attending Mass and I was just completely bummed out for the rest of the day. I hate missing Mass because a) it's a mortal sin -- and I know I'm excused because I'm sick but still and b) because I feel like I'm being extremely disrespectful towards God, Jesus, Our Mother (Mary), and everyone else. I am hoping that I will be able to make it through Mass this Sunday... and I can't wait for confessions on Saturday because I feel absolutely horrible having sins hanging over me. I'd been very good about not committing any and then all this crummy stuff happened and there goes my hard work. :(

Okay, no longer dwelling on the bad...

My novel is going a lot better than I expected. It's taken a different (better!) direction and I'm so excited. Hopefully I'll be able to keep the creativity flowing while I can because you never know when the dreaded writer's block will hit. I will say that writing about a member of the opposite sex is quite hard. Though I have 4 older brothers, I didn't grow up with them so I have no idea what it is to live with a young man. I hang out with my guy friends more than I do with my girl friends but each guy is different and I still don't get half of the things they do or what makes them say certain things. I am basing the male lead in the novel on a real life person but I'm making the character quite a bit different than the real life person. The dialog will probably be the hardest thing because I don't want to make him sound too robotic or too "girly" (as a guy friend once called a character I'd written when I was in my teens). The fun challenges of writing a book. :D

Another fun thing... watching The Miracle of Our Lady of Fatima on DVD. I'd had it for a bit at home and I finally watched it a few nights ago. I actually liked it, as did my mom. I read that Sr. Lucia (who saw the apparitions of Our Lady with her cousins) didn't like the film but that's understandable. A fictional character (Hugo) was added. The time line didn't follow the real life one (I believe Sr. Lucia had done her first communion years before the apparitions started and in the film, it happened after the first apparition). Lucia's mother in the DVD was reportedly much nicer than the real life mother, and she didn't believe in the apparitions while the movie one did at the end. It was little things like that that didn't make the film a 100% accurate account but I can't help but still like the film. I thought the actors did a great job. If you're not the kind of person to be bothered with differences, I'd recommend you watch it.

Alright, well it's almost half past midnight and I have an early day later so I should end the blog for now. Hopefully I can write more often this month. :D As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

Anxiety, Mass and Childhood Friends.

Wow, what an incredibly hectic week I've had. I haven't been able to blog in nearly a week because of everything that's been going on. I don't even know where to begin.

Well, on Monday (which was a holiday here in the States) I ended up in the E.R. because of a massive panic attack I got. Hyperventilating, lightheaded, chest pains, crying -- the whole thing. I'd never gotten one as intense as it before. The best way I can describe it is feeling like I was going to go nuts. Panic attacks don't usually last more than 15 minutes but I somehow got about 2 - 3 in the space of about an hour (and in the middle of the Liverpool v Aston Villa game) so my mom worried and I was taken to the E.R. I spent about 9 hours there before I was released and basically, they already told me what I know... everything that happened last year has begun to surface and I've been feeling extremely anxious because of it. I was relieved to hear that I'm not going crazy and that I am in fact physically healthy. It just sucks to know that it's going to take a couple of weeks to start kicking the anxiety out of my system. Luckily, I'm taking the semester off so I can work on that before I go off to my new school.

And speaking of my new school -- apparently that is a HUGE source of my anxiety, which I never even considered. I've felt okay with the whole thing but apparently it's a bigger stressor than I had realized. Luckily, I've found these lovely counselors that are willing to work with me at a university nearby (and for dirty cheap -- compared to other places -- because I'm a college student) so I'm on the right path to getting better. I am going to have to postpone writing my book, or at least parts of it, for a while because I can't deal with additional stress until I start my therapy sessions.

You know... it's VERY common for people in this part of Southern California to have counselors, therapists and/or psychiatrists. In fact, there's a running joke that everyone and their dog has one. lol. It's very true though. I live in a very drama-filled city so I can see how that "joke" started. In my case, having to deal with my father's cancer (for the second time in 5 years), just coming off illness myself, having to plan my moving away from home, going through the transfer application process, having a heavy courseload (and I do mean HEAVY), and trying to keep this family together... NOT a walk in the park. Oh and I had the absolute worst summer (I took two 5-week courses, with professors who were partially insane, that were super intense) so... yeah. And, actually, this is the first time I've had vacation in a year. I was in school all of '07 (winter and summer included). Everyone who's had to help their parents out with major responsibilities and/or have had way too much on their plate because of things that have come up -- I completely for you and I know how difficult it is. I don't know how some people are able to cope with all of that but power to ya!

I'm very lucky that I know why I'm going through what I'm going and that I'll be able to work on it to get better again. Like the doctor said, I should be thankful that I'm not depressed (I'm a little too happy and joke around too much to be depressed, lol) and I have a great support system in my parents and my best friends. I know I'll be fine; I just need to really work on it and remember that I've dealt with worse things which I was able to overcome. I'm definitely going to be praying a little more than I was, spending a little extra time asking St. Dymphna for her intercession. As I always say, God never throws anything your way that you can't handle.

I was proud of two things while I was at the hospital -- 1) I was able to bring comfort to an older woman and 2) I was able to make people laugh. While we were in the E.R., I befriended this older lady who was maybe in her 80s. She was fine for a while until she started worrying about her surgery. I asked her if she was Catholic and she said she was. I gave her the St. Jude prayer card I had with me. She read it and then wanted to give it back to me but I told her to keep it so she'd have it as a source of comfort. Her daughter saw what I'd done and she thanked me, telling me that they were actually devotees of his. After that, the older woman seemed in better spirits, which made me so happy! That's all I would ever want -- to cheer up someone who was feeling down, despite how I am feeling. I was very happy I was able to make some of the other people laugh too. Apparently, no matter how much pain or how miserable I may be, I can still manage to make people laugh. I hope I never lose that ability.

Okay, I have said enough about what happened on Monday, which I want to put behind me. I ended up missing mass on Sunday AND Monday which makes me very unhappy! I felt icky on Sunday morning but when I was ready on Sunday afternoon-evening, dad had start getting sick so... I had to stay home. It's all a conspiracy to keep me from mass but, pfft, next Sunday I will be there! I HATE missing mass. I don't feel right... and I am perfectly aware it's a mortal sin (although I know it's not as bad if I miss it because I'm sick or because I have to stay home to take care of my dad). Bah! It's back to confession for me on Saturday, too (for missing mass). If anyone ever wonders why I seem to go to confessions almost every week, it's usually because I miss mass due to circumstances beyond my control. That and Liverpool games make me say mean things about refs who don't do their job properly. lol. Bah humbug! Oh wait... that's a Christmas-y saying, isn't it? lol. Well, you get what I mean. :D

Ooh, this is something interesting that happened last night/this morning. I had the most RANDOM dream about this guy I went to school with... when I was 5 - 11 years old! We were friends all through elementary school and when we went off to junior high, that was it. But it was so WEIRD to have a dream about him. Never in a million year would I have thought of him if I had not had that dream. I think I still have some pictures from when we were kids but I'd have to check. Anyway, I wonder why I had the dream... and it's made me very curious to know what he and his sister (who was also a friend of mine) are up to.

I still keep in touch with childhood friends but most everyone has lost track of everyone else. I find it funny that out of the friends I've known since ages 4 - 11, (that I still keep in touch with) only 3 of them are girls and only because my parents see their parents so we send each other hellos and messages through them. All the rest of them, the ones I personally talk to, are guys. The friend I have known the longest still comes and visits when he's in the area. We've known each other since I was 4 and he was 5. I also still keep in touch with my childhood sweetheart (my first 'boyfriend' who I've known since we were 5 years old), as well. He's off in the Navy so I pray that he gets back home soon to because I'm sure his wife misses him terribly. Thinking about it, it's so WEIRD to think that most of my childhood friends are married, with kids or engaged. Only one of the guys and I are still single. I know it's part of growing up but it's just funny because everyone thought I'd be the first to get married and have kids and I'm the last one. lol. I'm serious. Being the hopeless romantic, everyone pretty much bet I would be the first to marry (and as young as 17). I should've bet a lot of money that I would be the last. lol. While I do have someone I care about, everyone's gonna have to wait quite a while longer before they have my (potential) wedding as an excuse to have a reunion. :D

Yikes, I've written way too much. Sorry, I'm just making up for the last 5 days. Hopefully this will be the longest entry I'll ever write. I will go back to my shorter entries next time. :D

Anyhoo, if you've made it this far... have an imaginary cookie or go get yourself a real one as a reward. If you know me personally, come over and I'll make you cookies. :D lol. Thanks for reading and God Bless.