Unplanned Craziness

Lent has not been easy... and we're only 5 days into it (not counting Sunday).

On Ash Wednesday I was hit with something that had me in bed all day and didn't let me get out of the house until Friday. That means I didn't get ashes... nor did I attend Mass or go to confession. I also hadn't planned on eating chicken on Fridays but my diet is so restricted (I felt terrible on Thursday after unintentionally fasting and getting no protein that day) and I've been sick so I had no choice. I had been looking forward to doing it all "right" but, well, we can't always plan these things to work out in our favor.

From Saturday through Sunday, I traveled. Mom and I went down to San Diego and crossed the border into Tijuana on Saturday. The reason for this was because I had some dental work to be done. We have a family friend who is a dentist and when she heard how much they were charging me (out of pocket) Stateside, she told me to go down and she'd take care of it for me. It turns out I didn't even need one of the root canals the dentists here were pushing... and, really, there was a lot that I thought I needed but didn't actually need. In fact, I didn't even get a single root canal done; she just repaired the chipped molar and did other things that dentists here didn't want to do but were necessary because of how fragile my health has been. (Those were her own words; they were putting me at a greater risk for refusing to fill a big cavity and the chipped molar.) It took us nearly 2 hours just to cross the border (by car) back into the States on Saturday night and then we slept for a couple of hours before we had to get up to get the train back to L.A.

What was supposed to be a day trip turned out to be a 2-day trip because we didn't want to get home after 1 a.m. on Sunday. Two women by themselves, in our part of the county? Um, no, thank you. I'm grateful for Amtrak because I only slept 2 hours on Saturday and 6 on Sunday. Being able to sleep on the train was lovely, even if my neck was hating me at the end of both trips. Also, because of the change of plans, we ended up missing Mass yesterday. We arrived home around 10 a.m. but I crashed after I ate breakfast. I hadn't eaten well on Saturday (and only had about half of the daily recommended water intake) so my body (still recovering from the cold and what hit on Wednesday) needed to crash. Even for evening Mass, I wasn't sure if I would've been okay to drive with my slight lightheadedness and my new toothache (which lasted about 36 hours). I kept drifting in and out of sleep for most of yesterday. I think I may need all of this week for my body and mind to recover. It's an INFP and/or HSP thing, I'm sure.

In between all of that crazy, I failed to pray the Saturday morning prayers in the Little Office and the chaplet of the Divine Mercy before the day ended. I actually fell asleep while praying the last decade of the Rosary on Saturday night. I've also failed to do any of the meditations in my Blessed is She prayer journal... and doing any reading in either Introduction to the Devout Life or Roses Among Thorns, both by St. Francis de Sales.

I've done okay with staying off social media, with the exception being yesterday when I had to log into Facebook to change my password because someone else had logged into it and on Saturday afternoon when I logged into Instagram just to get that location stamp stating that I was at the U.S.-Mexico International Border. I didn't check anything else; I simply changed the password for FB and logged out of Instagram once I had the location stamp on it. I do miss social media, especially Instagram, but I've been able to do a lot without getting lost in the scrolling.

As for giving up talking, it's been hit and miss. I hope that it'll be better now that I'm on Spring Break (early, I know) and the craziness of the trip and having to study for this past weekend's exam (I passed despite only studying for less than a day!) has passed. We do have something special planned this weekend (our young adult group is doing something lovely for Lent) and I know that these people all inspire me to be more mindful of what I say so it'll be good for me.

Do any of you have a hard time getting back on track when your plans get super derailed like mine did over the past couple of days? If so, any tips on what could help get it back on track? I've been struggling with studying (seriously, I had only 1 day to study and memorize for Saturday's exam over the course of 3 weeks due to a number of things that popped up) and now I'm struggling with simply taking some time to pray during the day. Hopefully, I can figure out something during this week of "vacation"... though I don't know how much I'll actually rest because the end of the week is looking crazy busy again. Honestly, sometimes I think God is saying "No, you're still doing too much. Slow down and take care of yourself" when I get this busy.

Anyway, I should get going. I'm still feeling a bit lightheaded (not sure if it's lack of fluids, too much sleep, or an effect from Saturday's dinner when they accidentally added cheese to my plate... after I had explained that I was allergic) and I want to rest for a little while in hopes that I'm well enough to go pick up Mom from work a little later.

I hope y'all are having a good Lent thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Feeling Unworthy and His Divine Mercy

A couple of days ago, I was going through what I think might've been a spiritual attack. I was trying to pray the Rosary when I was bombarded with thoughts that I was a pathetic excuse for a Catholic.

"Maybe Fr. G was right; maybe I should quit being Catholic. I'm terrible at it. I can't do anything right."

I clutched the beads and started crying, shaking my head as if I could shake those thoughts out of my mind.

"Maybe I should stop praying the Rosary. If I suck at being Catholic, why continue praying? Why not give up?"

I almost stopped but I shook my head. "No," I said to myself. "This is possibly an attack. Okay, I might be a horrible Catholic but maybe there's hope for me?"

"No. You can't get your act together," the thoughts persisted. "Just stop. Quit. What's the point?"

The inner struggle then became physical. I felt like I couldn't breathe; like something was tightening together in my chest. I let go of the beads, temporarily losing my place in the Rosary. I immediately returned to my place. My hand wanted to let go and give up... but I didn't want to. It was a fight (mostly internally) until I finished praying the Rosary.

I was a sobbing mess when I finished. I felt awful. I felt like I had been kicked down and was incredibly unworthy to ask Our Blessed Mother to be with me when I fail spectacularly. I knew I still had to pray the Chaplet of Divine Mercy since it's one of the devotions I must pray daily (it's a desire to pray it).

I started praying the Chaplet... and it literally felt like whatever was plaguing me had become undone and that it was falling to my sides. You know when you have something heavy on (like a backpack or a heavy coat) and you get home and you slide it off, making you feel lighter than you had moments before? It felt exactly like that. Not only did I feel a calming peace, I also felt like that moment was a gift.

I finished the Chaplet and then decided to read the Blessed is She devotional for the day. One part (which that day's writer chose to share) immediately stuck out at me:

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Cor 12:9)

Hello, new wave of tears and gratitude. You know how I said that the moment felt like a gift? When I read that verse, it all made sense to me. Through my moment of weakness -- in which my thoughts were negative and I felt like I kept getting kicked while I was already down -- I came to remember how much I love God and being a Catholic. During that moment of divine mercy (see what I did there?) -- while praying the chaplet -- I was reminded that no matter how badly I mess up, God still loves me and that there's still hope. I also thanked God for the gift of tears because (as I said) it felt like a gift at the end.

Have you ever felt that you were unworthy to be called a child of God? Someone unworthy to have a relationship with Him and Mama Mary? You're not. I'm not. Sometimes it's hard to see or feel that -- especially when you're in the middle of a spiritual dry spell or an attack -- but you are. We all are. No matter how often we fail (or how big our failures may be), we can always come home. We can always repent. That's what the Sacrament of Reconciliation is for. We're not perfect and we're not expected to be perfect. Also, we can't egotistically believe that our sins are bigger than God's mercy and grace. Those are all lies that pop into our heads.

Tomorrow is Feast of the Purification (Candlemas) when we say goodbye to Christmastide. If your parish (or a local parish; takes only minutes to inquire) will bless candles for the day, I highly recommend it. The candles must be 51% (or greater) beeswax but those are easy to find, especially if your parish sells them. Whole Foods and other stores have 100% beeswax candles, too. Get a candle (or two) blessed and light them up during times of darkness. If you don't know much about the practice, I recommend checking it out here.

Anyway, I just wanted to share this. I'm currently taking a break from finishing my lecture videos because I have mental fog that makes concentrating on the detailed notes hard to do. I'll get back to it when it clears up a bit. :)

I hope y'all are having a good week thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Start of New Routine; Struggle with Spiritual Dryness

I don't know about y'all but I always start off a new routine with a lot of energy... and somewhere along the way (of the first week), I feel like crashing and burning because I tried to make too many changes at once. I have to remind myself that new routines take a while to get used to. I was used to getting up at 4 in the morning to drive my mother to work, five days a week, prior to my vacation. Now I'm used to waking up at 8-9 a.m. every morning. Since my vacation officially ends today, I have to get back to my old routine which, to be honest, is not at all appealing. Who wants to get up at 4 a.m.? No one. lol. But I know that I must so I just give in to the fact and try to do it with as much energy (despite some cranky mornings) as possible. This isn't the only change I'm making either.

As many of you know, I pray the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary but I don't stick to the schedule as well as I should. Sure, I do the "most important ones" (Prime and Vespers) without fail (unless I am so sick that I accidentally sleep right through the times). Most days I can get Terce, Compline, and Matins done (yes, I like to do it old school) but I fail with Sext and None. A couple of nights ago I wrote on this blog's FB page:

"Going through spiritual dryness, you never know how or when you're going to get out. Though I still feel stuck in it, it's much less. I thank God for putting the right person (at the right time) in my path because they are inspiring me to change a lot of things... and consequently renewing interest in certain faith related things.

P.S. If anyone is going through this, you're not alone. St. Teresa of Avila and St. Therese of Lisieux both struggled through it."

To be honest, I still feel like I'm barely getting out of the dryness. I will actually tackle this subject on its own soon. However, as I wrote, I was inspired by someone to stick to doing the Little Office like anyone would keep (or try to keep) the Liturgy of the Hours. It was also suggested in The Temperament God Gave You for my particular temperament (Phlegmatic-Sanguine representing) that, besides the Liturgy of the Hours (or Little Office in my case), the Rosary and Divine Mercy Chaplet would be good to keep in regular practice. While, of course, speaking to my spiritual advisor would be best, I'm going to start off keeping a more regular prayer schedule until the next time I see him. Side note: Just because I know my vocation doesn't mean I don't still need direction now and then. ;)
Anyway, which I am totally excited to feel less spiritual dryness, I have to make myself a note (possibly on a post-it) to remind myself of two things: 1) to not add too many things at once and 2) to not get discouraged if it takes me awhile to get the hang of this new routine.

My work schedule is going to have to be more discipline than before. While it's true that as a freelance writer I make up my own schedule, I have to really stick to it. That means going back to my restricted time on social networks and planning out everything in advance so that I can make the most out of work and my spiritual life. All I have to focus on are those two things but I don't want to get too caught up in either (especially not work). School and vocation are on the backburner until I get accepted somewhere (for the grad school part) and until God decides that it's the right time for me to focus on my vocation as a future wife and mother.  

Anyway, just wanted to share this before my vacation ends. Sigh. Two and a half weeks of vacation, you will be missed but we shall see each other again in December for the holidays. ;) Now back to listening to The Chieftains' Voice of Ages album, enjoy a bit of The Voice (fan of the show) and then read before bed. :D May this new routine go well. *crosses fingers*

I hope you all had a great weekend and have a wonderful week as well. If you have any prayer requests, please send them my way. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Daily Mass Addictions and School Afflictions

Hello. My name is Emmy and I am a Daily Mass addict. No, seriously. Just ask Joe who made me realize it yesterday. One day, last week, I woke up with an overwhelming urge to attend daily Mass and I've gone every day since. The only days I've missed have been days which I attend classes and am thus unable to attend Mass. (side note: my school is roughly 15 miles from where I live but we have notoriously horrible traffic -- 45 mins to 3 HOURS one way, depending on how bad it is -- so I can't get to/from Mass on time.) I don't know how/why it started but I am not complaining. It all started with a spontaneous idea to go into the chapel on campus to pray the Chaplet of the Divine Mercy before class and it's now Daily Mass followed by the Chaplet. I don't feel right not going to Mass. I've never adapted to a change in my schedule/daily routine to quickly before. Is it weird to say that I feel empty not attending Mass and receiving the Eucharist every day? I honestly can't imagine myself not attending Mass on a daily basis anymore. Everything's changed... and I love this change.

Instead of sleeping until 9-10 a.m. like I would on days I didn't have to go to campus, I get up at 7:30 (or as close to it as I can) in order to eat something light, an hour before communion, since I know I can't fast without feeling faint. I tried that (fasting) last week and I nearly fainted while praying the Rosary. (second side note: Oh yes, I have also joined a group of parishioners that pray the Rosary, novenas, and chaplets after morning Mass. :D) I don't get enough sleep anymore but I am not as tired as I thought I would be. The insomnia I experienced the last couple of week has gotten better, I'm a lot more calm (though anxiety's been worse... more on that later), the sun is brighter, etc. I'm also more aware of my actions and of thinking before speaking which helps me not be in need of confession as frequently. That is terribly important to me. Whenever I go to Mass in the morning I am reminded of two Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati quotes:

"I urge you with all the strength of my soul to approach the Eucharist Table as often as possible. Feed on this Bread of the Angels from which you will draw the strength to fight inner struggles."

AND

(in a letter to his friend, "Tonino", dated 8/13/1923): "... when one goes into the mountains one should sort out one's conscience first, because one never knows if one will return."

That last quote is on page 134 of the book Pier Giorgio Frassati: Letters to His Friends and Family. In that letter to his friend, Bl. Pier Giorgio, an avid mountain climber and sportsman, talks about the importance of going to confession after the death of a fellow mountain climber. In previous letters he also wrote about how important it was for him to receive the Eucharist before he climbed mountains. Of course, I'm not a mountain climber (I'm, at best, a lover of hikes) but I can relate to it in more ways than one. I'm always either driving or being driven. A day on which I don't drive is rare. Not only that, I attend a school which has a campus up on a mountain. The view is spectacular when you're outside but as soon as I go inside, it's a fight against the liberal, dare I say heretical, teachings I encounter inside. Just like Bl. Pier Giorgio, I think I need to receive the Eucharist daily to remind me of who I am, who am I not nor will I be in order to fit in, and that I have my Heavenly Father looking out for me. I am not in physical danger (at least not like Bl. Pier Giorgio was when he climbed) but I do feel my soul is in danger (though one I am aware of as to not fall) each time I step foot on that campus.

And that leads me to the reason why I think my anxiety's been worse lately. Well, partly. I've noticed that my anxiety gets worse on the days before I have to go class as well as the first part of the day. And it goes back to one thing... or, I should say, one person: my music professor. As I've mentioned before, she does not like me... or so it seems. I thought we'd had a breakthrough last week when she tried to understand what it's like to be a student with anxiety but this week it's gone sour again. I haven't felt so personally attacked by a professor in quite a while. She skips over me when my hand is raised for a question, she tells me to be quiet when I volunteer to answer (when no one else wants to), she finds the littlest things to reprimand me on even though I am not doing anything bad, and I am never write. Saint and religion question: I am NEVER right. Of course, I get online after class (I don't do it during out of respect for my professors) and I check to see if I was right... and I am. Yesterday I had my hand raised for the longest time and a classmate even motioned to her that I had the answer but she skipped me. She didn't come back to me until several minutes after I put down my hand and then my answer was "wrong." I don't talk back to her or anything, mostly because my parents taught me to respect my elders and partly because I'm too busy trying to catch my breathing in her class (trying not to hyperventilate due to anxiety).

I will also admit that all of this has gotten me down the past couple of weeks... but it's been most obvious the last week. Yesterday I was one big weepy/mopey mess. She really made me feel like I was a speck of dirt that was bothering her and it really messed up my day. Though I can normally just forget about people not liking me, the fact that she's been this way since day one (yes, since the first day of classes) and that she finds new ways of making me feel like crumbs has gotten to me. She's going to cancel classes a couple of times next month and in April and I am sorry to say that I very much look forward to those days. I offer up every little thing she says to make me feel horrible and keep track of it on my St. Therese Sacrifice Beads. If you guys can please say a pray that I can make it through the next 2 months and 4 weeks (the countdown is on your left hand side) and that I actually pass my classes so that I can graduate, I would be so grateful.

Okay, I think I've unintentionally procrastinated longer than I anticipated. lol. I have to do coursework for a presentation tomorrow as well as a fellow up meeting with my Thesis adviser so I really need to get to work.

I hope y'all are having a great week thus far and if any of you need me to offer up one of my bad days for a special intention you may have, let me know. I'd gladly do it. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

Happy St. Brigid's Feast Day

Happy St. Brigid (of Ireland or of Kildare; however you may call her)'s Feast Day!!! As a Hibernophile (side note: this means I'm someone who is fond of Irish culture, the Irish language, and Ireland in general), I love celebrating Irish saints' feast days. Today is actually the first time I am celebrating St. Brigid of Ireland's feast day because a) I was always preoccupied with something else and I'd forget and b) she's helped bring a little more Faith into my household.

As some of you (the earliest of readers) may know, I've participated in the Irish Fireside's Christmas and St. Patrick's Day gift exchanges for the past 3 Christmases now. This past Christmas I was looking for the perfect gift to give my Secret Santa and at one of the local Irish import shops in L.A. I found St. Brigid's cross. I'd seen the cross before and, me being me, I was immediately drawn to it. I had actually already selected a gift for my Secret Santa but the cross just seemed right so I got it instead. I loved it so much, I actually bought one for myself as well. The store owner (a lovely woman from Ireland) told me that the crosses were actually handmade with rush from the River Shannon... at the exact spot where it is believed that St. Brigid made her own crosses. This is actually a picture I took of the cross we have (which I placed over our picture of The Last Supper and a painting of a Mexican market):

From 2012-02-01

Ever since I bought the cross there's been more a desire to learn about more saints as well as actually following through with certain things (such as going to confession more frequently for my mom and keeping myself in line as long as I can without having the need to go to confession). It's like the cross, which we see more than once a day, reminds us that we want to live better lives and keeps that thought in our minds. It's wonderful. :)

I've actually been trying to go to daily Mass more often but either I haven't because of school/obligations or I am unable to wake up early enough to attend. Trust me, sometimes I'm so exhausted that nothing will wake me up. Today I actually woke up 15 minutes before Mass started and got there 2 minutes before it started (perk of living less than a mile from the parish). I was so happy to be there, to be able to pray the Chaplet of the Divine Mercy (which I started doing recently; every morning and at 3 p.m. if I can), and to be able to pray the Novena of the Miraculous Medal along with the priest and a pretty packed parish. I thought it was great that I was able to attend my first daily Mass of the year on St. Brigid's feast day. It feels appropriate and I feel so peaceful. :)

By the way, if you don't much about St. Brigid, I suggest you click the first link in this post; it'll take you to a brief bio on her. AND if you have kids or are a kid at heart (like me; long live arts and crafts!), the Irish Fireside's own post on St. Brigid's Day includes a youtube video on how to make your own St. Brigid's cross. :D

Alright, I don't want to procrastinate on my schoolwork because I have about 200 pages to read for tomorrow (oh, I wish I was kidding!) and I have to work on my Senior Thesis since my meetings for it are on Thursday mornings. :) I hope y'all are having a great week thus far. Oh, and don't forget that tomorrow is Candlemas. I hope to post something for it but I don't know since a) I'm going to try to find a Mass in the evening and b) I don't know how busy I will be for since I have more HW due on Friday for my online courses. Feel free to keep poking me about posting over often though. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Getting Ready for Holy Week

Confession? Check. Homework done? Nearly Check; I have one more class to finish. (Side note: Finally!!! I'm even ahead of schedule in some courses.) Books that will help me stay on track during Holy Week? Check. All systems are good to go.

As I wrote yesterday, I had to put some thought into what I needed to do to ease the temptations I kept getting getting. One was easier than I thought (thank God for that!) and other was pretty hard because it meant saying goodbye to an old friend. In the long run, it was the best decision I could've made... but it's going to be hard. As long as I do what is right, I'll be okay. Thankfully it was clean break and there was no drama involved, which will hopefully make the transition smoother. I'm not just looking for easy, but you have to agree that it's quite preferable to chaos.

Going to confession was just what I needed. It gave me a chance to really thinks thoroughly as well as ask God for His help during this time. I also got a chance to pray both the Rosary and the Chaplet of the Divine Mercy while I waited to be picked up. Since my mom is in Mexico, I had my transportation service pick me up and drop me back home.

I think I'm ready for Holy Week. I have the schedule of Mass times (many of which I will have to go by myself since they are in the morning when my mom works.) I have eliminated the sources of my temptations. To quote Spongebob Squarepants "I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready!" lol. What is everyone doing for Holy Week? I'm always interesting to hear what others do, because it's different according to the cultural traditions one grew up with.

Alright, I need to finish cleaning up around my casa. Rebecca from Modestia is coming over for a girls night in movie marathon. One of the stipulations for my staying behind in L.A. while my mom went to Mexico was that I had to have a (girl) friend stay overnight; it would ease my mother's mind. Yes, even though her daughter is an adult, she still worries. At least I'll be in good company. :D

I hope everyone has a great weekend. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!

Happy 4th!; Morning Mass; Prayers; Last Day of Giveaway

I want to wish all my fellow Americans a Happy Independence Day (a.k.a. "Oh, you mean the 4th of July!", lol). Let us all thank and pray for all the brave men and women, past and present, who've risked (and continue to risk) their lives in order to protect this country and to help maintain our freedom. :) Fr. Stan said some lovely words about the significance of today in the 7 a.m. Mass. It was one of those things where you wish you had some sort of recording device to share with everyone. All those in attendance said a prayer for those in the armed forces. :)

Have I ever mentioned how much I LOVE morning Masses? It's the one thing about school that I will miss... along with the deposits they refuse to return to me. In all seriousness, I love starting my mornings with prayers... especially if I get a chance to do it at a parish. I haven't been to a morning Mass (that wasn't on a Sunday, of course) since I was about 19 years old, usually because of classes or other things I have to do in the morning. Going to today's Mass made me realize how much I miss going during the week. I am going to try to attend Mass as often as I can... and hopefully I'll be able to a couple of times during the week, if not every day. :) Oh, and because I'm often asked, YES, I DID wear my mantilla (chapel veil). I wasn't the only one either. There was another woman who wore one as well. :D I was, however, the only person under (maybe) 50 years-old at the Mass. lol. :)

After Mass, I spent nearly an hour just praying for my family, friends, and anyone who asked and/or needed it. My knees don't hurt as much as I thought they would from all the time I was kneeling. :D I prayed the Rosary, the Chaplet of Divine Mercy, a couple of prayers to different saints for different intercessions (see, twitter people? I came through for those who asked. heehee. :D) Before I began to pray, I got the idea of keeping a book with a list of all the prayer requests I get (you'd be surprised how many emails I've gotten from people who have found me through this blog and/or twitter) so that every time I'm at church I can pray for y'all in front of the Tabernacle. Any time any of you want/need prayers, please do not hesitate to ask me. I'd be more than happy to pray for y'all. :D If it's to a particular saint, I'll ask for their intercession. If it's a novena, Rosary, or chaplet, I'll do it. It makes me very happy to be able to pray for others. :D

Alright, I'm going to go enjoy the Love Comes Softly series movie marathon that's on the Hallmark Channel all day today. I'm a sucker for these movies. lol. It's not all romance for all you chick flick haters... you know who you are. There is love, but most of it has to do with the love between families and their faith. Really great message. :)

Don't forget that today is the last day of the Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati giveaway. You guys have until 11:59 p.m. PST to enter. Oh, and someone please remind me to tell Fr. Stan how to pronounce his name; he had a bit of a problem with it today. :D I'm going to miss Fr. Stan when he gets transferred to another parish in a couple of days. :(

Oh! And, for those who ask me on a daily basis how dad's doing: I talked to my mom about an hour ago. He ate all his oatmeal and drank all of his coffee... and was able to hold it down. Yeah!!! He's doing so much better than yesterday too. If there was ever a day for him to be alright, it's today. :D

Okay, that's enough stalling. I hope everyone has a great, blessed day... and that some of you don't overdue it with the food at picnics today. lol. As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

Dad Updates, From My Point of View.

Two pictures of the Sacred Heart of Jesus, one of St. Jude, and the one I added of Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati are on the erase board in front of my father's hospital bed so that he can look at them when he's conscious and alert. I also have a picture of dad with a picture of Blessed Pier Giorgio on his side but, due to respect for my family, I will keep that one private... until, and in case, we get that miracle we're praying for and we need some sort of photographic evidence.

I've been asked by many people to give an update, so here I am. I will actually go to the hospital right after I finish this... and will attempt to sneak into my dad's room.

Dad is on a roller coaster right now. No, not literally. A few days ago, he got so sick that we were told to start making funeral arrangements because he wouldn't make it past the weekend. It's been decided that I am having the final say on where dad will be buried (when the time comes) and what we're going to do because I took care of him and because I've lived the longest with him (not counting my mom, of course). I've decided to keep him in L.A. with us instead of having him taken back to Mexico for personal reason. I assure y'all it wasn't for purely selfish reasons. I took everything into consideration before I decided. We've talked about keeping the three of us (dad, mom, and I) together and that's what we're going to do. He's made it past the weekend... but now they're only giving him 2 more months to live. I won't listen to the estimates though, because only God truly knows when each of us will go. No living human being can tell us how much longer we have. We just have to trust that we will go when God wants us.

Everyone has began falling apart... including myself, though I think, and hope, that I've stayed stronger than they give me credit for. My mom started questioning God for "doing this", but I've talked to her about it so she's no longer doing it. If there's one (or two) thing I haven't done, is give up on dad and keeping my faith close to me. While everyone is pessimistic and thinking the worse, I'm staying optimistic and thanking God for keeping us all intact thus far.

All of my brothers and my sister are here (dad has 6 children; I'm the youngest) and it made my father VERY happy when he saw all 6 of us together, in his hospital room. (We went two-three days without the security kicking us out for having 8+ people in his room). Though he's only half conscious most of the time, he'll ask where one of us is while keeping his eyes closed. Since two really mean nurses (nasty women) reported us for "creating problems" in my dad's room, we've had to take turns seeing dad. (I heard one of them laughing when security was called. If I wasn't trying to continue acting like a lady, I would've given her a piece of my mind.) Yesterday was really hard for me because I was the last one to see him. Reason for that is because on Saturday I ended up at another hospital, in the E.R., for burning, stabbing chest pains. It ended up being a case of bad heartburn with a little anxiety/stress. Since then, they're limiting my time at the hospital. My brothers are leaving today (only my sister is staying with us for another week), so I'll have better luck in seeing him longer tomorrow. Still, I know I have to get out more (both doctor's and family's orders) because the visits are actually making me feel worse. I feel very weak and fatigued the mornings following the visits. The longer I am at the hospital, the worse I feel the next morning. I've already let my friends know I will need them to come watch a movie, or to help me get out of the house once in a while so I don't get worse. It makes me feel guilty... like I'm selfish and uncaring... for doing this but deep down I know it's the right thing to do. I won't be of much use if I get sick too.

I've prayed the Rosary and Chaplet of the Divine Mercy at his bedside a couple of times... but the last few times I've tried, I've gotten chest pains so I haven't anymore. We still pray, though. At any given moment, you will see at least one person praying in dad's room. Yesterday, mom, my sister Ana, and I were all praying different things... along with dad. Dad began singing hymns and praying at the top of his lungs yesterday morning. No one knows why, but he did... and it's actually beautiful. The fact that he does is half consciously is just another way of showing us that God is with us. In fact, the nurse told me that when they asked him why he did that (when he was more alert) he said that he did it because he felt that God was with him, and that that made him very happy. I keep asking Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati for his intercession.

Did I mention that on Friday (the feast day of the Sacred Heart of Jesus) we found the prayer card of Blessed Pier Giorgio on the table next to my dad's bed? It was literally a foot away. No one knows how it got there, either, because we were the first ones to go in in the morning. I'm not jumping to conclusions, though. Whoever put it there... THANK YOU. Every since I asked Blessed Pier Giorgio for a sign -- that either dad will be okay or that we'll be okay -- I've felt nothing but peacefulness and happiness. I don't know if it's just wishful thinking or what, but I have a feeling we'll see a miracle -- again, either in dad or in the family. I think that my faith in God, the Church, and in miracles is so strong that it's what keeps me going without becoming a complete mess. If anything happens, I at least have the consolation that dad will go without any sins on his conscience. I am sincerely thankful that he was able to confess and receive the Eucharist shortly before his health began to decline. That's all I wanted and all I worked for those years I tried to convince him, and prayed for him, to come back to the Church.

SKIP THIS NEXT PARAGRAPH IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ THE DETAILED MEDICAL EXPLANATIONS:
Oh, like, some of you want the specifics on what's wrong. Doctor's told us this morning that his liver is 30-40% badly damaged, which is why they've been doing dialysis on him - to clean his blood. Since my dad has been stable and responding well, there's a chance it will get better. His lungs aren't affected as they originally thought. Also, the yellow in his skin and eyes (which we thought was jaundice) has begun disappearing because what was causing it, the bile, was getting blocked. They did an operation and have fixed that. His kidneys are practically shot, too... though we can always hope and pray that we'll see a miracle occur.

That's it for now. It's getting late and I'd like to see dad before visiting hours are over. Thank you all who have been asking Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati for his intercession (I believe he needs one more miracle to be officially declared a saint; I'm hoping we personally see this miracle happen), and for your continued prayers for dad and for my family. They are greatly appreciated from the bottom of my heart. And a special, THANK YOU to my friends who have been there for me and have checked up on me and dad on a daily basis. I love you all! :)

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.

On the Day of Our Lady of the Rosary...

As I've often written, I am a BIG fan of the Rosary. In fact, I count Rosaries as one of the best gifts someone can give me. One of the best presents I've gotten this year? An emerald bead Rosary. :D I carry one with me wherever I go. Whenever I'm feeling overwhelmed -- emotionally or physically -- I can always count on feeling like a huge weight is lifted by simply praying the Rosary. Though I am feeling exhausted and I have a lot to do today, I'm going to take time out to pray the Rosary twice today. From this day on that will be a personal goal of mine; to pray the Rosary once in the morning and once at night every day no matter what I have going on. (side note: I sometimes pray the Chaplet of the Divine Mercy after the Rosary as well.) It will help me concentrate on my faith and take the focus off myself and my problems (it's so easy to go down the selfish, "woe is me" path when you're stressed and sick). So that is what I'm going do. I'm going to finish my email rounds, log off, pray the Rosary, and then study.

I hope everyone will take time off to pray the Rosary at least once today. :D And, if you need a Rosary, you can always make one... there's the Rosary Army website that will show you how. They also have a podcast and other things on the site. :D

But, before I go... I'd like to share this video I found on youtube of Dame Vera Lynn singing "The Rosary". I was looking for the Perry Como version of the song because it's the one I usually listen to but couldn't find it. Oh well. At least Dame Vera does a beautiful rendition of it! :D



Oh, and before I forget... in regards to yesterday's blog: I went to the optometrist and the problem has been solved! WHOO! :D

Alright, I'm off to finish emails and then spend time with one of my Rosaries. :D I hope everyone will have/has/had a great day. :D As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.
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