Forgiving the Worst Offenses Ever Done to Me

It's quite interesting that during World Youth Day -- the theme this year is mercy ("Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy" Mt 5:7) -- I've had to face the two biggest offenses ever done to me. These two things happened during my childhood and have been crosses I've had to bear and work through in therapy (as they have been causes for the development of my anxiety disorder) and were a bit unexpected.

As some of you longtime readers may remember, I've talked about how, when I was a little girl (4 years old or so), I used to be locked in the bathroom by an older half-brother and my sister-in-law for hours while my parents worked. This seems to be the root cause of my fear of being enclosed in small spaces; of being trapped without a way of getting out. I still have the memory of having a little pink chair next to the door, where I sat until I was let out before my parents came home. I was also underfed. I think what finally tipped my parents off (from what I was told) was that they found me standing on top of a stool, over the stove, trying to heat some tortillas to eat because they (bro and SIL) didn't feed me very well. I actually have some fuzzy memories of this; definitely remember when my parents caught me heating tortillas because I was hungry. Again, I was 4 years-old. My guardian angel definitely kept me safe from harm because I could have burnt myself in the process.

This week (Wednesday through Thursday), my brother and SIL came to visit. I wasn't sure how I was going to handle seeing them (I hadn't seen them in years) so I asked my friends to pray for me. I was sure that would need both strength and charity. I wasn't sure if the wounds had been healed and was worried that they hadn't been. I've been working with both therapists and spiritual directors over the years to help forgive and let go but it was never put to the test by having the people who hurt me in front of me after I'd worked through the hurt. I was nervous until they came to visit and then I saw something unexpected: the hurt and anger were gone.

The visit wasn't completely hiccup free. My sister-in-law spoke through my brother in the first couple of minutes they were here (which I thought was a bit rude since my questions were addressed to her) but it quickly went away. I was able to talk to both of them as if I were talking to anyone else. Before they left, they took my car and found me a mechanic to fix the a/c in the car. My brother even paid for part of the repairs, which I was not expecting. I felt so at peace that I hugged my SIL as they left and thanked them for everything. That hug was a release and a wonderful moment for me. I was grateful for the opportunity to put that awful experience (one that triggered a lifetime of fear in me) behind and to know that the wounds had been healed. Later that night, my mother said that my SIL looked and spoke to me in a way that showed that she was ashamed of what she did when I was a little girl. Now it's my turn to pray for her so that she may forgive herself.

The second experience happened today. I'm going to have to be super vague about this one because I'm not ready to open up this part of my life but let's just say it's the one thing that has plagued me for most of my life. It also happened during childhood (shortly after what happened with my bro and SIL) and it also instilled a lot of fear and anger in me. This one, unlike my brother's visit, was a surprise. The person who committed the offense called me and wanted to help get my car fixed since my brother had mentioned it (and given that person my number, apparently.) I told them my car was getting fixed and that I didn't need help. I tried to be as civil as possible and, thankfully, the call didn't last for more than 2-3 minutes.

When we hung up, I called my mom and told her what happened. She told me not to be angry with my brother (I'm not and wasn't then either) because he was only trying to help. I then texted one of my best friends and let it out so I wouldn't bottle anything up. It wasn't until I said everything on my mind that I cried. Hello, gift of tears. Part of the reason for those tears was because it was unexpected and it scared me a little bit. I was unprepared to talk to the person who'd inflicted the most pain on me. The other reason for the tears was (I believe) because I didn't feel the anger I'd felt in the past. In fact, I felt no anger or any of the negative emotions I'd felt in the past. There was actually some confusion because I didn't know what to make of it all and the anger wasn't coming out like it had in the past. I wasn't exactly at peace since the call rattled me a bit, but I had no ill will towards the person. Do I want to talk to or see them again in the future? No. Not because I haven't forgiven them -- I think I've finally gotten to the point where I have forgiven them and have moved forward -- but because, for my own mental health, it would be best that I don't have a constant reminder of the past in front of me. The past is the past and I refuse to let what happened in the past keep me an emotional and psychological prisoner.

I've been following WYD events closely and I had the prayer vigil on the TV when all of this happened today. After I talked to my mom and my friend, I looked up at the TV (watching it on EWTN) and the skit about forgiveness began. Two actors acted out Pope St. John Paul II forgiving his would-be assassin in the jail cell. I began sobbing because, obviously, it hit so close to home. I asked God to help me forgive if I hadn't forgiven them but it felt like I have and I've moved on. I also felt as if this week has happened because God wants to show me that I've moved forward and have healed from those unfortunate events in my life. The tears didn't last long because I began to feel, deep down, that God allowed for these things to happen this week because He's preparing me for a new chapter in my life.

This past summer has been one big deja vu moment. As I've written before, it feels like God is giving me a second chance to do everything with more wisdom, more faith, and more peace. I've already spent a week in and out of the ER like I did the summer I reverted. God has opened my eyes to many things that have hurt my relationship with Him as well as my own well being, including things have been detrimental to me in various ways (physical, psychological, emotional, spiritual, etc).

Just like I did 10 years ago, I've begun the process of cutting out toxic people from my life. My academic (and general) plans have changed quite suddenly. I've learned how to best take care of myself according to my introverted nature. Now I've learned that the biggest wounds in my life have been healed, not through anything I might've done by myself but thanks to His love for me. What a wonderful gift from God on the 10 year anniversary of my reversion.

Again, I feel as if God is allowing me to see that I've matured and I'm ready for whatever new and exciting adventures He has in store for me. While I might've felt weak, unprepared, too fragile, and/or incapable of moving forward in the past, I don't feel that way anymore. Things that I felt kept me from doing anything no longer feel like obstacles. I feel like I now have the tools to unpause my life because, honestly, it feels like I've been completely stagnant for the past decade. Now? I'm all set, I think. I feel like I'm finally doing what I wanted to do in my 20s. All in God's time, right? I hope that everything I've gone through this summer (thus far) means that my time to do everything I've felt called to do will finally happen. I'm ready, Lord.

Anyway, I've written way too much so I'm going to go do something else. Perhaps I'll go clean the apartment while I wait for the mechanic to call about my car. I'm sooo ready for a/c in the car because I've been trapped in the house when temperatures have gotten over 85 degrees... which has been almost all day, every day.

I hope y'all are having a lovely weekend thus far.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Cutting the Outside Noise

I had a sort of "screen-free" two day break in which texts went unanswered and there was no activity from me on either Facebook or Twitter. I got the idea after re-reading a novel I'm now going to call my guilty pleasure. What I didn't expect was a very eye-opening (are we sick of that buzzword yet?) experience. Well, just the latest one because I've been having so many of them lately.

During my screen-free break, I worked on my family tree (and ended up discovering the names of my 4th and 5th great-grandparents from the late 1700s!) After I was done with that, I just felt like taking a trip down memory lane and it ended up being the best decision I've made in recent months.

I ended up reconnecting with, well, I'll say an "old friend" during a trip down memory lane. For years (yes, years) I've felt like there have been a few things that have been "off." Every time I felt like I was "myself" once again, something threw me for a loop and I ended up back to square one. I've been dealing with anger, impatience, frustration, and a general feeling of disconnect. I've felt it since my father's death. I can pinpoint most of it to that event. Enter my "old friend."

The conversation went something like this:
Me: I miss the old me.
O.F.: What do you mean?
Me: Do you remember what I used to be like when I was like 19-20? What words would you have used to describe me back then?
O.F.: Hmm... dreamy, romantic, a dreamer... thoughtful, gentle, emotional, deep, and very sensitive.
Me: But I'm so different now. I'm nothing like that.
O.F.: You can get that part of yourself back. She's in there... you just need to cut out all the outside noise. (pause, after I started internalizing things.) That dreamy, idealistic girl... she's not gone, she's just hiding.

It dawned on me that I was letting a lot of the "outside noise" alter me without really realizing. I mean, I've sort of realized that lately (and I think you can see some of that in my latest blog posts) but it didn't really hit me just how much until tonight.

I seriously considered shutting down this blog as well as my social media accounts for a split second. The last time I "cut all the noise" was when I was able to be myself without censoring myself or being fearful of what others said to and thought about me. For those of you who've read the first novel I wrote (When Two Worlds Collide), let's just say that was talked about at the end of Chapter 17 actually happened to me. That year or so that I was off social media and it was really hard to get a hold of me? Bliss. Of course, I cut out more than the online noise in those days. My "friends" then were terrible. The friends I have now are super lovely so I can't really go off and disappear like I did last time. I'm quite determined to do a modified version of what I was forced to do back then... only this time it's more voluntary and being done for my own good.

I think accepting the fact that I'm a highly sensitive person and that I do need to cut some of the outside noise that has been causing some inner turmoil has given me the courage to say "okay, I know I thrive when I can just do my thing and cut out all the outside noise (side note: 'sup, new buzzword?) so I'm just going to go for it."

I know I often say that I'm going to limit my time online and that lasts for only a couple of weeks but now I sort of have my old friend to keep me accountable... and hopefully a little busy. Yes, I remember what I used to do back then; how I didn't need the internet or social media.

Do you ever feel like your life has come full circle with a lot of things? It's the 10th anniversary since my reversion. I went through a lot of illnesses/health scares a month ago. A lot of that felt like deja vu to summer of 2006. Now, with the old friend, it feels like I'm getting a second chance to get that right as well. It's almost like I'm getting a second chance to do a lot of things differently so I can finally move on from this plateau I've been stuck on for the past decade. Maybe I'm being silly or I'm reading too much into it but it does feel like God is saying "take everything you've learned and keep moving forward. It's time."

Anyway, it's almost midnight and I have my prayers to get through so I should go. :) If y'all can please say a prayer for me, I'd greatly appreciate it. Let's just say that tomorrow I'm going to face yet another thing that had a major impact in my life when I was younger and I'm going to need both a lot of courage and charity to get through the next two days or so. Thank you in advance!

I hope y'all are having a lovely start of the week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

I Make Absolutely No Apologies For This

I know this is going to undoubtedly bring some pointed comments and maybe some possible arguments (that I will refuse to partake in) but I just need to say this for my own peace: I make absolutely no apologies for trying to connect what happens in my life with my faith.

I see every experience as a way to grow in my faith and in my relationship with God or as a possible clue from Him as to what I should be doing because I'm clueless and/or stubbornly set in my ways most of the time.

Illnesses? I see them as a way to remind myself that life isn't without sacrifices yet we must trust God and strive to move forward and stay on the right path.

Sudden changes in career and academic life when I felt "sure" and "comfortable" in the path? A good way to remember that sometimes we need to think less about what we want and more on what God's will is for us. Also, an excellent opportunity to grow as a person.

My failures? Good lessons in humility when pride tries to creep up.

I'm not sorry for anything I tweet or post (that isn't written in a moment of anger/annoyance). I know some of you have expressed your dislike of this (sometimes in a subtweet shortly after my own tweet) but that's how I've chosen to live my life. You don't have to like it or even agree with it. I just want y'all to know that I'm going to continue doing it. I'm truly sorry if you have a problem with it but I refuse to change this because it "gets on (your) nerves."

Anyway, I still have a couple of library books I want to get through before they're due so I'm going to go read them. :D I hope y'all continue to have a lovely weekend. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

Do You Have a Tsundoku Problem?

I have a problem. A massive problem. It's called tsundoku. "What's that?" you may ask. Apparently it means "buying books and letting them pile up, unread" (or something like that) in Japanese. Does anyone else have that problem?

It's bad. You know what? I'm going to go count how many books are on the living room bookcase and see how many of those I've yet to read/finish. It's 11:03 a.m. right now, let's see how long it takes me...

It's now 11:10 a.m. 7 minutes. In 7 minutes I found out I have 124 books on my small living room bookcase. Of those 124 books, I've not read 49 books. Out of those 49 unread books, 35 are Catholic -- either philosophy, teachings, or saint lives. That means roughly 39.5% of my books have been unread and of those unread books, approximately 71.4% of them are Catholic. Yikes! And, guess what. That doesn't include the books I've checked out from the library or other books I have scattered throughout the apartment. Yes, I have a problem.

I've banned myself from looking at the TAN, Sophia Institute Press, and other Catholic publisher catalogs that arrive in the mail because I always want more... but I have so many books I've yet to read. I've never finished Interior Castle or even The Story of a Soul. Not sure why. Do you know how many books I have on my Amazon wishlist that are Catholic? More than I should. lol. I'm definitely suited for the (lay) Dominican lifestyle... but I can't keep spending money and never reading these books. I think the one sitting on the bookshelf the longest has been there for almost the decade since my reversion and has yet to be read. Tsk, tsk Emmy.

So, new goal for me: try to make it through at least 10 of those books before I return to school in a little over a month. It can be done, especially since I'm pretty much stuck in the house when it's over 85 degrees which has been after 9 a.m. the past couple of days (it's supposed to go up to 109 today).

Does anyone else want to partake in this Tsundoku Challenge? Maybe not 10 books in a month (I have waaaay too much free time these days) but perhaps making a dent in your pile of unread books? I pledge that by August 28th I will have 10 books crossed off my "to read" list. I will even blog about it, whether I did it or not.

I really need to "out" myself with things I need to change because I know some of y'all will keep me accountable. If I keep them to myself, I'll most likely not follow through. Get on my case (if you know me on a personal level)! ;)

Alright, I should probably go do something. Maybe I'll finish one of the books I borrowed from the library... or take myself a snack (spoiler alert: self-care update coming this weekend).

I hope y'all had a lovely week and have a lovelier weekend. I also hope to have something posted tomorrow but we'll see. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Moving Forward with Trust and (Some) Confusion

This is how I've felt my moments of silence and prayer have gone lately:

Me: God, I'm confused. I thought I was supposed to take this one route yet things are working out for the other route.
God: Do you trust Me?
Me: Yes, I'm just confused as to why I feel like the other path was the one I was supposed to go down on but it didn't work out. I'm not even sure I like this other path.
God: Do you trust Me?
Me: Yes. I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. Have I been wrong all this time? Was I just supposed to get certain things out of my system by experiencing them so I could put all my effort into this other route?
God: Do you trust Me?
Me: Yes.
God: Then let go. Keep going down this path. Don't plan so far ahead and don't overthink things. Trust in Me and you'll get to where you're supposed to be.
Me: Okay. (inwardly panics because I like to have everything planned ahead of time.)

My eye-opening moments have not ceased since the last blog post I wrote. I feel like my entire world is getting turned upside, but in a good way. A lot of things that I was certain about? They no longer seem like they're what I expected. Example: grad school and career path.

I was certain that I was supposed to do the Theology MA degree. I felt in my element doing the coursework. I loved learning more about the faith. I did well (that C in Theology during the Fall quarter following my car accident notwithstanding). Then the whole thing with me having to suddenly leave JP Catholic happened. That was followed by the (also seemingly sudden) change back to the SLP field.

In a lot of ways, my eyes have been opened to the possibility that maybe the SLP field is where I belong after all. I've already done well in my previous course. I even have the option of taking an extra course to qualify for Latin Honors. (side note: I've declined because I don't need an extra class and I'm perfectly fine not getting honors at graduation; I'm not even planning on attending the graduation ceremony next May.)

It's been pointed out that I have a surprising amount of patience for children. It seems to be a sort of "superpower" because I can handle a lot of things most adults can't. Maybe not having children at 31 and having a desire for children makes me more patient. *shrugs* The children seem to respond well to me. Looking far younger than my years might be helping me there. I worked with a group of 3-5 year-olds with speech impediments two years ago and I had one very shy little guy open up to me after the first day. That helps a lot in this field, especially since my focus is on young children with speech impediments.

Perhaps I was meant to do a bit of the Theology MA before returning to the SLP field so I could be sure about my other discernment -- becoming a lay Dominican. My former SD did say I should finish school before I committed to going through that process. Maybe I was meant to see that this (Dominican instead of Carmelite) was the path I need to take while I work as an SLP/A. (Another side note: I'm currently not sure if I'll stay as an assistant or become a full SLP; I will revisit the idea in another two years). Not all lay Dominicans are professors or working in the education field. Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati was working towards his mining engineer degree before his death and he was a lay Dominican. Maybe I'll finish that Theology MA one day as a lay Dominican.

I've been having a lot of "well, that didn't work out as I planned but, okay, that actually makes a lot of sense" moments lately. I need to either see if my former SD would be willing to meet with me to help me figure this out or get some major peace about the new plans. Like I said, I feel like my world has been flipped upside down and I'm now taking things one day at a time. Besides the upcoming school year, I'm not planning anything else ahead of time. What's that saying? "If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans"? Okay. No more planning. Taking things as they come. I'm down with that. Wait, are they kids still saying that? *shrugs* Playing it by ear, folks. ;)

So that's what's been up with me lately. I've been very, very physically fatigued lately but I kind of figured out that it was probably because we had maintenance workers at our apartment almost every day, all day for a couple of weeks and that just drained me of my introverted energy. If I need a day or two to recover from hanging out with friends, imagine how much more time I need to recover from having these gregarious (read: super extroverted) maintenance workers at my apartment for days and weeks at a time. I'll be fine. :D

Anyway, I think that's it from me for now. Gotta leave some things for the next blog post. ;)

I hope y'all are having a lovely week thus far! :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D