An Unsettling Peace

Have you ever prayed arduously about a certain intention -- it could be for days, weeks, months, or years -- and when you finally figure out what you have to do, you are both unsettled and at peace? In other words, you get a sense of peace whenever you think about what you've figured out -- what you think may be the path God wants you to take -- but it also unsettles you because it means facing a lot of changes, fears, and uncertainties? 

Now imagine that... and multiply it by about 20. That means clarity on not just one intention but on several intentions that you've prayed about for years. That's the boat I'm in right now. Some of the intentions are not mine but have been intentions people have entrusted me with over the years. I think one of them has been an on-going intention for a minimum of 5 years. As for my own intentions, all but one or two seem to have been answered lately and it's making me a little nervous.

Why am I nervous? Well, because it means I have to make a lot of changes, face a lot of fears and uncertainties. I've already made some of the easier changes (which I hope to blog about soon) and I've already noticed a massive improvement in two areas of my life. I occasionally slip as the habits will take some time to solidify but I'm happy with the results thus far. The more difficult changes will happen when I fully return to social media on Easter Sunday, when I come out of my self-exile/retreat from having a social life (only did it for Lent), and in some of the other (hint: ninja status) areas of my life that involve other people. 

Sometimes I wonder if I have the (emotional/physical/mental/spiritual) strength to make these changes. I've already tried to implement some of the changes during Lent... and failed miserably because the temptations and the curiosity got the best of me a couple of times. I know that Lent isn't about making personal changes -- like New Year's resolutions -- but these changes will ultimately help my relationship with God and my spiritual life. In fact, every single change I'm going to make will strengthen that relationship. Every fear I will face and every uncertainty that will come from the decisions I will make will force me to trust God. You know that internal dialogue I shared in the last blog post? That will continue to happen and, I suspect, it'll happen more often. 

Some of the decisions I've made and have yet to implement will make a lot of people unhappy with me. Some will draw criticism and harsh judgment. Some of the decisions made (and decisions I have yet to make as I have yet to receive clarity of them) will surprise people. "I thought I knew her," I can already hear some people say. One particular decision (which I'm still praying about) may even shock those who've known me for years and who've known about my thoughts about this particular topic. Still, I know that I can't be afraid to make these changes... especially since I will be doing what I believe God is calling me to do.

Will I shed some tears along the way? Most likely as I'm naturally sensitive. Will my people-pleasing ways make me feel awful, especially when people try to emotionally manipulate me or make me feel bad about the decisions I've made? Ohh yes. I'm counting on it. I'm going to have to rely a lot on God -- to trust Him, to remember what's at stake, and remind myself that He will give me the strength and graces necessary to face whatever is coming my way if it's part of His plans for me.

Sorry to be a bit vague about things now but, stick around! I'll definitely plan on sharing a good number of these changes as they happen if only to hold myself accountable to them whenever I slip.

Alright, I should go have a late lunch; I haven't eaten much today and I really need to take what I hope will make a difference in my health. :)

I hope y'all have a blessed Paschal Triduum (I don't plan on blogging until Easter Sunday)! You may actually see me on Twitter before you get a blog post. We'll see. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Progress Report

Just a quick "week one progress report" on the new game plan I talked about a week ago.

- I've cut back my time on Twitter exponentially. I think I average less than half an hour on non-match days. Like I said, I wasn't going to completely disappear from social media but people are definitely noticing that it's taking me longer to reply to messages. Deleting the bookmark from my browser and sending the apps to cyber Siberia have done me a world of good.

- My stress levels are down. I've avoided Twitter on some of the more emotionally charged days which means I've avoided stress. I still get a bit of what is happening on social media from two long-time friends (who I've known since my pre-reversion days) but they're not gloating or being overly obnoxious about it so we've been able to remain friends. lol.

- I do get bored more easily because I was so used to having my time wasted on social media where you can spend hours and have it seem like only minutes. However, I'm also getting better at filling my time with good, productive things, which leads me to...

- My productivity is up. The house has never been cleaner. My goals are slowly starting to move forward now that I don't have other junk taking up space in my mind. I've been able to cross off a number of things on my to-do list, some of which had been on the Wunderlist app for almost a year.

- I have yet to read Laudato Si' because I'm trying to tackle a number of things I've had on my to-do list for months (or years!). However, I'm disappointed in seeing some people who disagree saying that they're going to waste even more resources to show their disagreement. Let's just not. Please.

- The number of venial sins committed due to social media are down from last week when I had a trial run. This is good. Very, very good and my biggest goal. The way this is going, it's going to get easier for me to stay off of Twitter for prolonged periods after grad school begins in 3 months and 2 days... not that I'm counting. ;)

And, that's it. It's Sunday and I want to spend the majority of my day offline. I'm going to finish some research (all about lay orders) before logging off for the day.

I hope y'all are having a good Sunday and that y'all had a great weekend. I'm planning on blogging again tomorrow but don't quote me. We shall see. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

So, I Fail. A lot. Often. But That's Okay.

I've been failing to do a lot of things lately. Keeping this blog updated? Massive, obvious fail. I missed St. Francis of Assisi's feast day, St. Teresa of Avila's feast day (but with good excuse), etc. Unfortunately this semester has been the hardest for all my fellow seniors and I and we all spend our free time playing "catch up on the reading." Studying for my Norse mythology midterm last week? Fail. Even though I crammed and was prepared enough, I blanked out from the information overload. I JUST caught up with all but one of my classes and that is only a day behind so it's doable. We had a "mid-semester" break which was spent sick with a bug (which kicked in on Norse mythology midterm day) and then catching up on coursework and doing midterm #3 of 5. No one that I know from my college had a break which pretty much tells you how intense things are. There are some other things that I've noticed I've been failing on as well.

One of the things that I have been getting better at is trying to have a social life... though I realized how much I needed to change some things this past Saturday. I was blessed enough to get the chance to spend some time with Miss Claire Christina of In Te Speravi on her short trip to Los Angeles. We spent 2 hours stuck in Hollywood traffic (oh but it was fun, lol) after picking her up from the airport. We got to chatting about a lot of things I normally wouldn't talk to my other friends about. After we got to our destination and I met some of her friends (and spent an hour chatting before I came back home), I felt so great. I felt so comfortable and so happy and I realized that that (a social life) is what I both need and want... yet fail at as well.

Now, I'm not knocking my friends. I love my friends dearly (and many are like my brothers and sisters) but I don't get to see them as often as I'd like because of location, work, or family responsibilities. And I've also been so used to spending the majority of my time at home that I don't know anything else. I spent 7 years of my life taking care of my father so all my "wild and crazy" years have been spent at home. I spent the year (last year) after my father's death in a numb mourning and I've just started feeling like myself again in the last couple of months. While I am shy (at least until I get to know people better and get comfortable to let the silly nerd flag wave), I do like making plans and going out my friends. Now that my anxiety is getting to the point where I CAN make plans to go out and not bail (unless I feel utterly uncomfortable in the situation for one reason or another), I do have that desire to go out and just hang out with my girl friends or even my guy friends since the guys seem to have more free time than us girls. lol. I am undoubtedly going to fail at some social things because I am so out of practice but that's okay.

It's okay that I fail because I learn from things I don't succeed at... and I'm stubborn enough to do things repeatedly (and allow myself to fail in the process) until I get it right. Blogging? I will get better at it. I seriously need someone to get all up in my grill if necessary to remind me of this blog not being updated every 3 days (at least). Studying? I over-studied at the beginning of the semester so I lost a lot of time. I now know what each professor wants so I know what to concentrate on. Midterm was the last of my wigging out and over-studying. lol. I will try harder to reassess my time management so I can get a study break at least twice a week for some blogging or free time for me. Social life? That's going to be a little harder. I have no idea where to start other than attending more Catholic Underground, Los Angeles events... though they are now over for the year. I don't know how else I'll try to better my social life but it's something to work on. I'm finally getting around to the idea of dating again for the first time in several years (again, I never had much time for it) and that is a whole different battle I will tackle when I get there. AND, the biggie, spending more time praying. With my crazy schedule, I barely have time to eat (or I'll read while I eat) and it sucks (pardon my language) because it's hurting my relationship with God. I fail at this, a lot, but I will get better at it and I know God knows that I try my hardest.

The older I get, the more comfortable I am with my flaws and with my limits. Accepting that I can't always do everything right (Little Miss Perfectionist is calming down, lol) and I embrace that. It's through trial and error that we learn, we grow, and we then get closer to God. I can now hear my confessor and the priests that have often told me to stop being so hard on myself rejoicing right now. lol.

Alright, well, I've designed half of my Mondays as "study break time" before the next one (Thursday evening). Depending on how my last two midterms go, I hope to write something Thursday. I think tomorrow is one midterm and the last one is due on Sunday (but I will work on it during the week to turn in early because I fail to rest of Sundays and want to work on that). Someone poke me on FB, write something on the Fan Page, or send me a message on twitter if you don't see an update by Friday afternoon. I give y'all permission to bug the heck out of me. lol.

Anyway, I hope y'all had a great weekend and those going through midterms make it through in one piece. ;)

As always, thank you so much for reading and God Bless! :D