I Should Be Angry But I'm Grateful

Before I start: happy feast of the Queenship of the Blessed Virgin Mary! I love focusing on this (Mama Mary being crowned Queen of Heaven and Earth) when doing the Glorious mysteries and I will do this extra mystery when I pray my Rosary tonight. Also, happy belated feast of Our Lady of Knock (which was yesterday). I did remember and I wanted to mention it on social media yesterday (Hibernophile in the house!) but I had so much going on that I didn't get the chance.

I've been incredibly overwhelmed in the past week. It's been a rollercoaster of wonderful moments and of low moments that could have become very discouraging but ended up bringing me closer to God. It would be too much to cover in a single post so here's the biggest part of it.

Last Saturday, I went to urgent care for my dizziness since I spent 3 consecutive days dizzier than I was used to. It was supposed to be quick trip since it takes forever and a day to get an appointment with my regular doctor but because of my history of low platelets (and considering that I'd had a lot of headaches over the past month), they wheeled me (I was so dizzy I couldn't walk properly) to the emergency room.

There, doctors first looked at my platelets and iron levels since those could easily be culprits of the dizziness and lightheadedness I've experienced for weeks. My platelets had taken another dip down but were still over the 100k level and it wasn't the lowest I've ever had them so they didn't think it was the cause. Since I had no other worrying symptoms, they discharged me.

Yesterday I had my (now) regular hematology appointment. It was a new doctor. I had low blood pressure yesterday (which can explain the constant lightheadedness) but she explained that my records show that it's normal for me to have low (but not dangerously low) blood pressure; that she herself has them around the same levels. I received the news that my iron and hemoglobin levels (and, basically, everything) were steady and I've been anemia-free for a couple of months now... but the fact that the platelets dipped for the 2-3 time this year wasn't sitting well with her.

They can't figure out why my platelets have been low for years. For a while, they considered that it was due to my folate and iron levels but those seem to have stayed within the normal range (I get the exact numbers in half an hour of when I'm writing them) so they ruled those out. I don't get sick often (as in colds or the flu; I can go years without a cold). I've never had surgery. I don't bleed easily or much when I get cuts or even when I go to the dentist. I continue to be a medical mystery to them for now... but that may change.

The doctor saw how exhausted I was yesterday; you just had to look at my face. You can't fake the fatigue I was feeling. 1) I'm not an actress (my face would easily give me away if I were lying) and 2) my conscience would eat at me if I had lied about that. I told her about when the fatigue hits the hardest, including after the consumption of wheat. She asked me to list all the symptoms I get when I eat wheat. She asked me if I had the same reaction with other carbohydrates (rice, tortillas, etc) and when I said I didn't, she zeroed in on gluten as a possible cause for my lowered platelets.

You know how I've blogged about gluten/celiac blood tests coming back negative in the past? Guess what... the doctors had either lied or they were overruled in the past because it had never been done! I had several doctors say that they were going to test it but they never did. I'm not sure if it was because they were resident doctors and their supervisors overruled the decisions, if the hospital didn't want to administer it until I saw a hematologist and my platelets continued to lower, or if I was simply lied to because they thought I was a hypochondriac with a history of anxiety but, whatever the reason was, it was never administered. They did do other autoimmune tests that came back negative (which is what I think they told was negative when I asked) but never for celiac.

I should be angry about it. I've been telling them for years that I've had a suspicion that my health issues (namely, the platelets) might've been caused by gluten. I noticed that my platelets went up when I went on an entirely gluten-free diet (and I even abstained from receiving the Eucharist for 6-months at one point) and how they go down when I reintroduced wheat into my diet. For whatever reason, nothing was done... until now. Again, I should be angry but I'm not.

I'm grateful that a doctor finally got past whatever loops had to be jumped to get me the tissue transglutaminase IgA test. I'm grateful that God gave me the strength and the courage to drive to the hospital (despite being as fatigued and lightheaded as I felt). I'm hopeful (and, honestly, also a little fearful) that this test may give us the answers we (Mom and I) have been waiting literally years for.

Having a positive celiac intolerance result would mean tweaking my diet even more which scares me in the sense that it would restrict my already restricted diet (can't have dairy, eggs, spinach, and some fish). It will also mean being more pro-active about my spiritual life because I would need to talk to the priests where I usually attend Mass about receiving a low-gluten host which is Vatican approved and which many people with celiac have been able to receive without a problem.

I've been praying about my health for years... since I was an undergrad at the CINO college when I first became aware of my platelets being lower than normal. I've resigned myself to enduring all the health issues for as long as necessary as long as it was God's will. I know that I'm going through all of this for a reason unbeknownst to me but which will be for the benefit of my soul.

At the same time, I've prayed that I get healthy so that I can live out what I believe to be my vocation in a manner that would not be burdensome on anyone else. Even if it takes longer (at least 3 months since I won't get my results for this test until November 20th), I know that it's all part of God's greater plans for me and I just need to accept that with as much patience, grace, and courage as needed... which I know God will give me.

I have so much more to say but I think this is enough for this post. The other isn't health-related so I'll save that for tomorrow or the next day, whenever I am able to. :)

Anyway, I just wanted to thank everyone for their continued prayers. I know that it's because of them that I haven't defaulted into the worried, panic-attack stricken gal I once used to be. :)

I hope y'all are having a great start of the week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

When St. Francis de Sales Drops Truth Bombs

Before I begin, I just wanted to say that, yes, I know the last two blog posts weren't posted on the Facebook page. I went to IFTTT to fix it and this post should be posted as soon as I publish it. If you're only following me via the FB page, the last thing posts were about my inability to start Lent "right" and about a trip to the E.R. You know, fun stuff. ;)

Today, I went to a follow-up doctor's appointment because of the E.R. visit two days ago. It was mostly good, though I did get some much-needed ear pulling for not taking the multivitamin like I should've. Mea culpa. I've set up an alarm so I won't forget because I do tend to forget to take these supplements. I mean, I even forget to drink enough water some days because I'm sometimes way too busy. (side note: yes, I downloaded an app to remind me of my water intake as well.) I have another appointment coming up in a month and we hope to see some good blood work results since we're changing my iron and folate supplements so the two that should be easier on my stomach.

While I was waiting to see the doctor, I began reading Roses Among Thorns by St. Francis de Sales. It has been sitting on my bookshelf, collecting dust, for years so I decided to read it for Lent. As you may know from two posts ago, I hadn't gotten a chance to slow down enough to get started on it. I only made it through the first couple of pages at the doctor's office but, man, St. Francis de Sales dropped a bunch of heavy truth bombs on me.

You know how they say that things happen when you need them most; how sometimes a letter doesn't arrive until God thinks you need what's written the most? That's how I feel about this book. I'm sure I hadn't read it until now because I needed to "hear" these things now. It honestly felt like I was getting another ear-pull, a hug, and some courage for the one thing I have to really work on: confronting my fears.

I'm not sure if my adventurous/courageous side left after my father died or if it's a result of me experiencing too much in a short amount of time but, somewhere down the line, I got a little too cautious... to the point where I developed a lot of fears. This is coming from the girl who, despite anxiety, agreed to get on the craziest, scariest rides at Six Flags Magic Mountain with a bunch of people I had just met that day (we had one mutual friend) a week after 9/11 happened. This is from the girl who wanted to drive (but couldn't because of the wrecked car) the day after she got in her car accident, a year and a half ago. This is coming from the girl who nearly left California to study in England as an undergrad, knowing no one in the area.

I highlighted a lot of things in only 19 pages of the short book. The reoccurring theme (which I'm sure is different for other people reading the book) has been that I have to face my fears in a big way. That's not to say that I'm going to do anything crazy but there's a lot that's been holding me back in recent months because of fears. This is something that I need to do on my own (with God, of course) and for myself; no one can do anything but pray that I have the courage to pull it off.

St. Francis de Sales writes that "... before bringing peace to a place, he (Jesus, Prince of Peace) first brings war (cf. Matt. 10:34-36) by dividing the heart and soul from its most dear, familiar, and ordinary affections," how "... it is when we are suffering interiorly that God rips off the last bits of skin of the old man in order to renew us..." Since I've been enduring an intense inner battle regarding fears and of letting go so that I better follow God's will for me, this really hit close to home. I think that we sometimes forget that we must suffer in order to eventually receive whatever grace/gift God wants to give us. The suffering can be for purification reasons or simply to help us better appreciate and take care of the gifts coming our way. In my case, I think it might be all of the above.

At the moment I'm vacillating between feeling like I have a bit of valor a la St. Joan of Arc (whose feast day is on my birthday) and wondering if I actually have the courage to confront my fears. I guess only time will tell but, if I keep getting bombarded by these truth nuggets, I think a lot of good things will come out of this Lenten season. You bet I'm going to review this book as soon as I finish it.

Anyway, this was something I felt like sharing today. Can you tell that I'm on spring break (aka freedom (!!!) from coursework) and that I have an insatiable urge to write, especially when I can't get on social media? lol. I miss you, social media... but this is good for me. It's not you; it's me. ;)

I hope y'all have had a lovely week thus far. :D

As always, thank you for reading and God bless! :D

Receiving the Sacrament of Anointing of the Sick

Image found here.

Wow, over a week since my last post. Sorry, y'all, but I've been that busy. I've found myself coming up with different projects and things to do offline (purposely; don't want to keep wasting my time online) and it's been taking most of my time. I've been wanting to share two things with you, though, so I'm taking a break from my huge Spring Clean-a-thon to do so. I don't want to make this post too long so I'll write about one today and I'll post the other tomorrow, if I get a chance. :)

Last Friday I received the Sacrament of Anointing of the Sick. Let me explain why this happened before anyone either a) starts really worrying about my health and/or b) thinks I shouldn't have received it. Before anyone jumps to conclusions let me just say that the idea came from a priest friend. I did not think I was eligible for the Sacrament as there are specific requirements but my priest friend (as well as the priest who actually administered the sacrament) thought it would be fine for me to receive it. Since I have lost even more weight (the lowest thus far as been 114.8 lbs last Friday from 130-132 lbs a year ago) and I have had to restrict my diet even further due to food and medication allergies (thus making it even harder for me to find ways to get more calories into my diet), I was deemed eligible for the sacrament. Of course, there are a couple of other things going on but I'm keeping those to myself since I've decided to offer them up. These things, however, also contributed to my being eligible.

I cannot begin to describe how wonderful it felt receiving the sacrament. I was tear-y eyed (because of sadness prior to the anointing and then because of joy) throughout the day. Fr. G gave me a quick confession in his office so that I could properly receive it. My mother was there as well but, since she didn't understand what I said in English, there was no danger there. lol. Any anger, fear, and doubt I might've had before I walked into Fr. G's office was gone by the time he anointed the holy oil. I just felt an immense peace, joy, and gratefulness. In me I just said "I love you, Jesus! I love you!" There have been a few times when I've felt completely engulfed by God's love and mercy and that was certainly one of those times. My mom said, later in the day, that I had a new look/glow afterwards; that I looked at peace, relaxed, and I actually looked healthier (with more color in face and cheeks), if it was possible.

Afterwards, we talked about my options for receiving the Eucharist since the doctor had said no wheat/gluten. He gave me options and I came to the conclusion that I will (out of my own pocket, of course) order the low-gluten hosts (which I cleared with my new doctor yesterday; more on this later) and they'll be kept at the parish for when I attend Mass. This parish is my favorite parish (that I have visited) in the L.A. Archdiocese. It's a bit of a drive but mom and I decided it will be our new home parish as our old home parish has made things difficult for us and other parishioners. (side note: three weeks after I made a couple of attempts to speak to the priests about options for the Eucharist and no contact - on their end - has been made). Also, Fr. G and Fr. V have been amongst our favorite confessors so we feel happy and at peace at our new home parish. :)

That was all Friday... the same day that a doctor's appointment was made. I had my appointment yesterday since I had lost a couple of pounds in the two weeks since my last doctor's appointment. I was given a new doctor (thank you, God!) and she ordered blood work to check my thyroid and liver (to make sure the weight loss isn't connected to those) as well as a thyroid ultrasound since I've had an enlarged nodule in my thyroid for a couple of years. This was all done yesterday. I was surprised at how fast she had it all ordered since I usually have to wait at least three months for ultrasound appointments through this clinic/hospital system. I was done with it all in the span of two hours. She also ordered an appointment with the nutritionist so that I can figure out healthy fats and calories that can help me gain some weight. As I mentioned before, I asked her about the hosts during Mass and she said that the low-gluten hosts would be fine since I usually like to attend Mass more than once a week. When she said that she was Catholic and understood what I was talking about, I was relieved. She didn't know low-gluten hosts were an option but seemed happy that I did and encouraged me to get them. I felt blessed to have her as my new doctor because she had a proactive, "let's figure this out!" attitude whereas my other doctor would just smile at me and say "well, just cut this out of your diet."

Ever since that wonderful day on Friday, my mother's said that she firmly believes that everything is going to change for the better. We're not putting any superstition into it; we're not saying that the Sacrament means I'm going to magically heal. She (and I) feel like this is a new start for me and my health. Whether that means that I'm going to finally catch a break and that my new doctor will figure out what's been going on for the past 10 months or that I'm going to endure this illness (whatever it may be) with more patience and joy, I am not sure. But things are different and I thank God with my heart for it.

Anyway, this post has become way too long now. I have spent about half an hour writing and my stomach is asking for nom noms so I'm going to go feed it before I go out into the summer-like heatwave in a few. :)

I hope to write about my Mother's day celebration with the Carmelite Sisters tomorrow. I should be able to if my stomach and anxiety cooperate with me. ;)

I hope you all had a great weekend and are having a great start of week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

Illness, Suffering, and St. Gemma Galgani

Wasn't St. Gemma Galgani absolutely gorgeous? If you didn't know that this is an authentic picture of her, you do now. ;)

I will be the first to admit that I don't actually know much about St. Gemma Galgani though I've had a very strong urge to learn more about her since the first time I knew her name. I still don't know as much as I'd like but I am going to make her my first saint during Lent. What I mean about that is that I will learn as much as I can about her until St. Therese of Lisieux's autobiography makes it into my hands (she was my planned first saint during Lent.) I think it's entirely appropriate that I focus on learning as much as I can from St. Gemma because of what I've been going through lately.

It seems like my health is going downhill again, and I pray that it's just the anxiety symptoms playing tricks on my mind. I've always hated going to the doctor's but ever since I started spending a lot of my time in and out of emergencies rooms (starting around summer 2006), I've loathed it even more. I always seem to dread it even more when I'm actually feeling sick... mostly because I'm scared to find out what's wrong with me. Tomorrow's doctor appointment will be one of those days where I wish it was just a routine check-up... and I'm honestly nervous.

Ever since my father was diagnosed with cancer the first time (summer 2002), I've been VERY nervous when I go in for my appointments or test results. Before, not so much. I was a healthy child and wasn't at the doctor's often, but as I got older and the anxiety appeared, it's gotten worse. I've had three big scares in the past 2-3 years in which I needed a thyroid biopsy (for enlarged lymph node), an echo cardiogram (to check my heart), and an ultra sound to make sure that a bump found was not a tumor. Luckily, all have turned out well -- the lymph node was benign and thyroid levels were normal, my heart is healthy and has a great structure, and news of a no big deal cyst that washed away fears of early breast cancer. Last month when I went to the emergency room for an allergic reaction, the doctor said she felt like my lymph node had enlarged and that I should ask my regular physician to have a look at it. I'd been given the "okay" not to get it checked out until next (this) year but they might have to check again because a lot of things have been "off" with me since the end of December.

I hope the lymph node hasn't enlarged or gotten worse, though thyroid problems could explain some of my symptoms. I hope that all the symptoms I've been experiencing lately (everything from really bad nausea and bad hot flashes to rapid heartbeats and the feeling like I can't breathe, etc.) are all anxiety related. A good friend of mine said that it may be that all the stress and anxiety that came with my dad's death might've finally caught up with me, physically, because I had little to no symptoms most of last year. I hope she is right.

My anxiety HAS been worse lately, too. Like I said, I feel like I can't breathe... and it gets really scary sometimes. I had a particularly bad experience yesterday while I was going all over L.A. trying to get my final grade transcripts sent from various campuses/schools. I was just sitting on the bus and then I couldn't breathe. I felt a sort of crushing pressure in my chest... I couldn't catch my breath... I just wanted to bolt out of the bus and cry. That's how bad anxiety is, and it wasn't my worst attack. Panic attacks hard to explain because they always feel worse than how they can be described. All I kept thinking is "God, I am putting myself in your hands at this moment. I won't lament whatever happens to me... just take care of my mom."

I think that that's why I'm most scared that something is wrong with me -- because of mom. I don't want her to have to suffer along with me, and I know seeing the anxiety attack me lately has starting taking a toll on her. As much as I say that it's all up to God and that His will won't be fought (at least I won't fight it), the possibility of something being wrong with me still wigs me out. If I am sick (and it isn't anxiety related), will I have the strength to endure it? If it's just anxiety, I will sigh a huge sigh of relief because I've been stressed for the past two months (when these symptoms appeared).

As I think about everything I just wrote, I have two major thoughts that kind to mind. First, I keep thinking about the time I was called a victim soul. Though (when I say I'm sick I usually mean that it's anxiety/panic related) everyone seems to think I'm always sick (physically), I don't think I am. I do know that I deal with a lot of things that aren't too common, but I still can't see myself as a victim soul. I have accepted that I will suffer from anxiety for as long as I have to, but I don't look at it was a curse. As I've always said, I was look at these experiences as blessings from God because it's when I feel nearest to Him. A quote from St. Gemma that I found on this site has stuck out for me... especially when I think about my appointment tomorrow and the possible news I could get.

“I am happy in every way that Jesus wills, and if Jesus wants the sacrifice of my life, I give it to Him at once. If He wants anything else, I am ready. One thing alone is enough for me; to be his victim, in order to atone for my innumerable sins, and if possible, for those of the whole world.” - St. Gemma Galgani

I will keep St. Gemma and her words in my mind as I wait for the doctor to see me because I agree with her. I say the same thing, only I think I may be more selfish because I ask God to help me whenever I'm really sick and I feel like I can no longer endure it.

The second thought is one that my friend (and former Ethics course classmate) Elizabeth said when she visited me last week when I was having a really bad sick day (anxiety, pain, and other symptoms). She said that whoever God sends me (for our vocation of marriage) is going to have to be a strong man because of what I go through. She's right. I am not saying that I will always be sick (I haven't always been), but I do get what she meant. I haven't had an easy life (but, really, who has?) and I'm going to need someone who is strong and secure to deal with someone like me. There is a reason I say this, but it will have to wait until tomorrow's entry. :)

I think I've written quite a bit tonight so I am going to stop. I still have a list of all the symptoms I've experienced so I can help my doctor narrow down the possible causes. I am lucky I have a good doctor who will tell me to things thoroughly, especially when she knows it'll ease my anxiety. I will remain optimistic (hoping and praying everything is either anxiety related or not too bad), but I am ready for whatever God has in store for me. :D Whatever the outcome, I will make sure to pick up something on St. Gemma Galgani when I go to either St. Peter's Pier or Pauline Books and Media later this week (if they have anything on her).

For those of you who are checking this blog daily (even though I have not been announcing the new entries up on twitter), thank you! And thank you for your prayers for mom. Hopefully we can all help alleviate some of her depression. :)

'Til next time, thanks for reading and God Bless!

St. Pancras and St. Timothy; Final Grades; Doctor Appt.; Costumes.

It took me a while but I finally have time to post a longer blog. :D

I don't know where I should start, really. Well, I should first say a thank you to St. Timothy and St. Pancras of Rome! For those of you who have read a previous post about how St. Timothy has interceded for me, no need to tell the story over again. St. Timothy is the patron saint of digestive and intestinal disorders and illnesses. For those of you who don't know who St. Timothy is, you can find out more about him at this page. St. Pancras of Rome is the patron saint against cramps, headaches, and against perjury/false witness.

On Monday morning, the morning of my English Lit midterm exam, I woke up feeling really sick. I'd actually gone to bed feeling a bit weird but woke up early with these stomach pains and cramps. I thought it was nothing so I went back to bed. when I woke up a bit later, the pains had gotten worse... and the cramps and pains had also traveled down into my legs. I took two different kinds of teas, Chamomile then Spearmint, because they usually help out my stomach but they weren't really doing much for me. So I asked St. Pancras (though I actually say his name in Italian - San Pancrazio) and St. Timothy to please help me get better because I was going to miss my midterm. I fell asleep and woke up feeling great... but too late to make it to my midterm. For me, my health is more important than my studies (plus I have an amazing professor who's letting me take the make-up next week), so I wasn't too stressed. Anyway, as a thank you to them, I promised to mention them in the next full length post I would write... and here it is. :D Remember their names when you're having pains. Trust me, they will come through for you. :D P.S. Also, thank you to St. Thomas Aquinas and St. Joseph of Cupertino during my exams and moments of academic wigging out. lol.

Oh, and before I forget, I PASSED MY OCEANOGRAPHY FINAL EXAM! I actually did 10% better on my final than on my midterm (how did THAT happen?!). I also got my final grade for the class which was... drum roll please... AN A! WHOO! Even if the professor hadn't graded on a curve, I would've gotten an A in the class because of my final exam! I was so relieved when I found out... mostly because Math and Science are usually my worst subjects. I'm more of a Philosophy/English/Music/History type of person. Now I know that all the stressing I did last week and the week before wasn't for nothing. lol.

Other good news I received... my EEG and heart monitor results came back normal! WHOO! I had my follow up appointment earlier today and all of my results came back normal. The doctor was perplexed as to why I've had to many test done at such a young age. He said I was perfectly healthy, nothing wrong with me, so he didn't understand. I had to explain that, because of my anxiety, the therapist recommended I have all the exams due to rule out everything. So, now we can safely assume that the rapid heart beat and the other symptoms are all anxiety related. I've had quite a bit of stress-related anxiety but I know it's because of how crazy the last few weeks have been. And, thankfully, it's not the intense panic and anxiety I had a few months ago. I'll be fine once this weekend is over because I'm caught up with all my work and I only have 3 classes to worry about for the next month and a half. :D Oh, that reminds me... I need a massage next week for the kinks and knots in my shoulders and back. lol.

Before I go (Philosophy assignments due tonight), I should mention that I do NOT have a Halloween costume ready for tomorrow. I originally did, and Rebecca from Modestia has first dibs on the pictures because she asked me on facebook, but I waited too long to get what I had planned. Now, I have to see what I can come up with from things I have at home. I have an idea but I won't share it because I'm going to wait and see if I can pull it off. I definitely had a hard time finding one that isn't too sexy or too revealing -- you know, like the majority of adult female costumes are. It's a problem most of us, who like to dress more modestly, encounter during times/events like these. You can also find out what Rebecca decided to wear by reading her blog on it.

Alright, well, Philosophy awaits. :D If I don't write a blog tomorrow, I hope everyone has a nice, safe Halloween. If it looks weird, don't eat/drink it! lol. :D

'Til next time, thanks for reading and God Bless! :D