I Should Be Angry But I'm Grateful

Before I start: happy feast of the Queenship of the Blessed Virgin Mary! I love focusing on this (Mama Mary being crowned Queen of Heaven and Earth) when doing the Glorious mysteries and I will do this extra mystery when I pray my Rosary tonight. Also, happy belated feast of Our Lady of Knock (which was yesterday). I did remember and I wanted to mention it on social media yesterday (Hibernophile in the house!) but I had so much going on that I didn't get the chance.

I've been incredibly overwhelmed in the past week. It's been a rollercoaster of wonderful moments and of low moments that could have become very discouraging but ended up bringing me closer to God. It would be too much to cover in a single post so here's the biggest part of it.

Last Saturday, I went to urgent care for my dizziness since I spent 3 consecutive days dizzier than I was used to. It was supposed to be quick trip since it takes forever and a day to get an appointment with my regular doctor but because of my history of low platelets (and considering that I'd had a lot of headaches over the past month), they wheeled me (I was so dizzy I couldn't walk properly) to the emergency room.

There, doctors first looked at my platelets and iron levels since those could easily be culprits of the dizziness and lightheadedness I've experienced for weeks. My platelets had taken another dip down but were still over the 100k level and it wasn't the lowest I've ever had them so they didn't think it was the cause. Since I had no other worrying symptoms, they discharged me.

Yesterday I had my (now) regular hematology appointment. It was a new doctor. I had low blood pressure yesterday (which can explain the constant lightheadedness) but she explained that my records show that it's normal for me to have low (but not dangerously low) blood pressure; that she herself has them around the same levels. I received the news that my iron and hemoglobin levels (and, basically, everything) were steady and I've been anemia-free for a couple of months now... but the fact that the platelets dipped for the 2-3 time this year wasn't sitting well with her.

They can't figure out why my platelets have been low for years. For a while, they considered that it was due to my folate and iron levels but those seem to have stayed within the normal range (I get the exact numbers in half an hour of when I'm writing them) so they ruled those out. I don't get sick often (as in colds or the flu; I can go years without a cold). I've never had surgery. I don't bleed easily or much when I get cuts or even when I go to the dentist. I continue to be a medical mystery to them for now... but that may change.

The doctor saw how exhausted I was yesterday; you just had to look at my face. You can't fake the fatigue I was feeling. 1) I'm not an actress (my face would easily give me away if I were lying) and 2) my conscience would eat at me if I had lied about that. I told her about when the fatigue hits the hardest, including after the consumption of wheat. She asked me to list all the symptoms I get when I eat wheat. She asked me if I had the same reaction with other carbohydrates (rice, tortillas, etc) and when I said I didn't, she zeroed in on gluten as a possible cause for my lowered platelets.

You know how I've blogged about gluten/celiac blood tests coming back negative in the past? Guess what... the doctors had either lied or they were overruled in the past because it had never been done! I had several doctors say that they were going to test it but they never did. I'm not sure if it was because they were resident doctors and their supervisors overruled the decisions, if the hospital didn't want to administer it until I saw a hematologist and my platelets continued to lower, or if I was simply lied to because they thought I was a hypochondriac with a history of anxiety but, whatever the reason was, it was never administered. They did do other autoimmune tests that came back negative (which is what I think they told was negative when I asked) but never for celiac.

I should be angry about it. I've been telling them for years that I've had a suspicion that my health issues (namely, the platelets) might've been caused by gluten. I noticed that my platelets went up when I went on an entirely gluten-free diet (and I even abstained from receiving the Eucharist for 6-months at one point) and how they go down when I reintroduced wheat into my diet. For whatever reason, nothing was done... until now. Again, I should be angry but I'm not.

I'm grateful that a doctor finally got past whatever loops had to be jumped to get me the tissue transglutaminase IgA test. I'm grateful that God gave me the strength and the courage to drive to the hospital (despite being as fatigued and lightheaded as I felt). I'm hopeful (and, honestly, also a little fearful) that this test may give us the answers we (Mom and I) have been waiting literally years for.

Having a positive celiac intolerance result would mean tweaking my diet even more which scares me in the sense that it would restrict my already restricted diet (can't have dairy, eggs, spinach, and some fish). It will also mean being more pro-active about my spiritual life because I would need to talk to the priests where I usually attend Mass about receiving a low-gluten host which is Vatican approved and which many people with celiac have been able to receive without a problem.

I've been praying about my health for years... since I was an undergrad at the CINO college when I first became aware of my platelets being lower than normal. I've resigned myself to enduring all the health issues for as long as necessary as long as it was God's will. I know that I'm going through all of this for a reason unbeknownst to me but which will be for the benefit of my soul.

At the same time, I've prayed that I get healthy so that I can live out what I believe to be my vocation in a manner that would not be burdensome on anyone else. Even if it takes longer (at least 3 months since I won't get my results for this test until November 20th), I know that it's all part of God's greater plans for me and I just need to accept that with as much patience, grace, and courage as needed... which I know God will give me.

I have so much more to say but I think this is enough for this post. The other isn't health-related so I'll save that for tomorrow or the next day, whenever I am able to. :)

Anyway, I just wanted to thank everyone for their continued prayers. I know that it's because of them that I haven't defaulted into the worried, panic-attack stricken gal I once used to be. :)

I hope y'all are having a great start of the week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Receiving the Sacrament of Anointing of the Sick

Image found here.

Wow, over a week since my last post. Sorry, y'all, but I've been that busy. I've found myself coming up with different projects and things to do offline (purposely; don't want to keep wasting my time online) and it's been taking most of my time. I've been wanting to share two things with you, though, so I'm taking a break from my huge Spring Clean-a-thon to do so. I don't want to make this post too long so I'll write about one today and I'll post the other tomorrow, if I get a chance. :)

Last Friday I received the Sacrament of Anointing of the Sick. Let me explain why this happened before anyone either a) starts really worrying about my health and/or b) thinks I shouldn't have received it. Before anyone jumps to conclusions let me just say that the idea came from a priest friend. I did not think I was eligible for the Sacrament as there are specific requirements but my priest friend (as well as the priest who actually administered the sacrament) thought it would be fine for me to receive it. Since I have lost even more weight (the lowest thus far as been 114.8 lbs last Friday from 130-132 lbs a year ago) and I have had to restrict my diet even further due to food and medication allergies (thus making it even harder for me to find ways to get more calories into my diet), I was deemed eligible for the sacrament. Of course, there are a couple of other things going on but I'm keeping those to myself since I've decided to offer them up. These things, however, also contributed to my being eligible.

I cannot begin to describe how wonderful it felt receiving the sacrament. I was tear-y eyed (because of sadness prior to the anointing and then because of joy) throughout the day. Fr. G gave me a quick confession in his office so that I could properly receive it. My mother was there as well but, since she didn't understand what I said in English, there was no danger there. lol. Any anger, fear, and doubt I might've had before I walked into Fr. G's office was gone by the time he anointed the holy oil. I just felt an immense peace, joy, and gratefulness. In me I just said "I love you, Jesus! I love you!" There have been a few times when I've felt completely engulfed by God's love and mercy and that was certainly one of those times. My mom said, later in the day, that I had a new look/glow afterwards; that I looked at peace, relaxed, and I actually looked healthier (with more color in face and cheeks), if it was possible.

Afterwards, we talked about my options for receiving the Eucharist since the doctor had said no wheat/gluten. He gave me options and I came to the conclusion that I will (out of my own pocket, of course) order the low-gluten hosts (which I cleared with my new doctor yesterday; more on this later) and they'll be kept at the parish for when I attend Mass. This parish is my favorite parish (that I have visited) in the L.A. Archdiocese. It's a bit of a drive but mom and I decided it will be our new home parish as our old home parish has made things difficult for us and other parishioners. (side note: three weeks after I made a couple of attempts to speak to the priests about options for the Eucharist and no contact - on their end - has been made). Also, Fr. G and Fr. V have been amongst our favorite confessors so we feel happy and at peace at our new home parish. :)

That was all Friday... the same day that a doctor's appointment was made. I had my appointment yesterday since I had lost a couple of pounds in the two weeks since my last doctor's appointment. I was given a new doctor (thank you, God!) and she ordered blood work to check my thyroid and liver (to make sure the weight loss isn't connected to those) as well as a thyroid ultrasound since I've had an enlarged nodule in my thyroid for a couple of years. This was all done yesterday. I was surprised at how fast she had it all ordered since I usually have to wait at least three months for ultrasound appointments through this clinic/hospital system. I was done with it all in the span of two hours. She also ordered an appointment with the nutritionist so that I can figure out healthy fats and calories that can help me gain some weight. As I mentioned before, I asked her about the hosts during Mass and she said that the low-gluten hosts would be fine since I usually like to attend Mass more than once a week. When she said that she was Catholic and understood what I was talking about, I was relieved. She didn't know low-gluten hosts were an option but seemed happy that I did and encouraged me to get them. I felt blessed to have her as my new doctor because she had a proactive, "let's figure this out!" attitude whereas my other doctor would just smile at me and say "well, just cut this out of your diet."

Ever since that wonderful day on Friday, my mother's said that she firmly believes that everything is going to change for the better. We're not putting any superstition into it; we're not saying that the Sacrament means I'm going to magically heal. She (and I) feel like this is a new start for me and my health. Whether that means that I'm going to finally catch a break and that my new doctor will figure out what's been going on for the past 10 months or that I'm going to endure this illness (whatever it may be) with more patience and joy, I am not sure. But things are different and I thank God with my heart for it.

Anyway, this post has become way too long now. I have spent about half an hour writing and my stomach is asking for nom noms so I'm going to go feed it before I go out into the summer-like heatwave in a few. :)

I hope to write about my Mother's day celebration with the Carmelite Sisters tomorrow. I should be able to if my stomach and anxiety cooperate with me. ;)

I hope you all had a great weekend and are having a great start of week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D