Insight When You're Not Looking for It

I can honestly say that I now get the whole "too nice" and "too hard on self" comments I've gotten over the years. This insight has come during the most stressful time... studying for my worse subject's final.

I should clear up a couple of things. First of all... I don't actually hate math. I quite enjoy it, and I've been mostly teaching myself math for as long as I can remember. I do have the occasional tutor (shout out to Joe of Verbum Veritatis who's driven an hour out to where I live just to tutor me on whatever I don't get), but I mostly do things on my own. I did this during high school when I did independent study and I passed my math classes with flying colors. I don't know if I returned to school too soon after my father's death, if it's my ongoing anxiety/panic disorder, or if the many years between classes left me nervous... but something caused me to completely blank out during the on-ground exams. (side note: I am taking an 8 week Intermediate Algebra course that is considered a hybrid course -- I take exams in person and turn in homework online.) While I am doing very well on the online work (both homework and tests), I cannot figure out why I blank out during the exams. I've never had test anxiety (for any subject, including math) before so it's a little unnerving. It's really frustrating when you know the material, and well, yet when it comes time to actually doing the exam... nada. I've come out of several exams either excited because I knew the material and thought I did very well (only to have that confidence crushed like a bug) or I come out sobbing because I get so frustrated over the outcome of the exams. I mean, I go over the practice exams about 10 minutes before the actual exam and I KNOW the material. I don't understand why this is all happening... but it's been giving me some insight I wasn't expecting.

This whole semester has been a huge blow to my confidence as a student. While I did very well on half of my courses, two I didn't do well on... the ones where I had to actually attend campus for the lectures. Philosophy, well, though I'm sure I passed that one (based on past exams and papers written), I didn't do as well as I hoped because of my on-going "fight" with the professor. If he decides to give me something like a B or C, I'll gladly take it because at least then I know that I didn't have to compromise my beliefs just to get a high grade. I did as well as I could (as much as I could) knowing that the professor would mark down my papers because of our clashing beliefs. That one isn't such a huge blow as math... and only because math is the one in which I am not getting a grade based on the professor's beliefs, though I'm sure the professor doesn't like me either.

I do admit that I had NO real help from my math professor. Whenever I tried to talk to him about my problem, he was very dismissive of it. When I told him that the computer had changed my answers on a test, "not my problem. Even if you show the work, I can't give you points." At the end (as in a couple of days ago) when I went to a counselor who basically chewed him out after I present him proof, he wanted to help. Yeah, a little late there, buddy. Now I'm in the dilemma that I never thought I'd find myself in... if I don't pass the final, I don't pass the class. If by some miracle I don't blank out and i do pass the final... depending on what the percentage is determines whether or not I pass the class.

While working on the last couple of homework problems, something hit me... maybe I'm not meant to pass the class. Maybe this is all supposed to be some humbling experience for me since I've always been extremely confident about my success as a student. As I wrote a couple of entries ago (which I have yet to publish) maybe my failing this class (thus limiting my choices of where to transfer) is all part of God's plan for me. He knows I've overworked myself to the point where I've spent 12 hours a day just doing math... but maybe, if I don't pass this class, it's all going to be for some reason.

As I said in the beginning, while I am not looking for any insight regarding anything, I've been getting it. Yesterday, I got to put my saying "no" to the test. As my friends know, I don't like saying "no" to people when ask me for favors. When I do say I can't do something, a few people know that they can get me to do it with guilt trips. If I upset someone, or see them unhappy over something, I give in... even if I know it's selfish of them to do it. I just don't like disappointing anyone. Yesterday, I had to put my foot down on something (a Christmas party I was guilted into agreeing to; "you'll hurt my feelings if you don't go") because I wanted to study. Of course, the guilt trips started but I held firm to my decision. It occurred to me that this happened quite often -- that I've let my wanting to help others and/or make others happy while neglecting my own wants/needs. Taking care of my own needs (in this case, trying to come out of Intermediate Algebra alive and relatively sane) has pointed things like this (giving into others' requests) to me. I love helping other, and or even simply making them happy, but I have noticed that people really take advantage of that.

I've also become well aware of what at least 4 priests have told me... I'm too hard on myself. Failing my on-ground exams, I automatically cry because I am angry at myself for blanking out and/or not remembering certain equations. Lately, I've also been really hard on myself regarding my dad. For some reason, I've started being really angry at myself because I feel like I didn't do enough for my dad... as if there was something I could to save him. Many hours have been spent crying lately due to this. I get it Fr. Leo (R.I.P.), Fr. Alexander, Fr. James, and new priest whose name I didn't catch -- I am certainly too hard on myself, even when I know things are beyond my control. This is something that will go on my New Years Resolutions list.

See what God shows you when you are least expecting it? I'm grateful for this insight, especially right now, because things were (pardon my language) sucking for me. I've spent weeks in a very depressive mood that not even my best friends have been able to get me out of. Am I still mourning over dad's death (which I am clearly not over; I still cry whenever I talk about how he passed away) or did the second half of the year just finally catch up with me with the rest of the stress I've been under lately? I guess only time will tell. All I know is that all this insight has actually made me loosen up a bit about school... and it's helping me grow as a person, which is great.

Wow, I did not anticipate to write this long so I will stop shortly. If you've read this far, congrats... you might be the only one. lol. I hope to have more (possibly shorter) blogs soon. I have 4 I've written in the past two weeks (really good ones, too... ones that people might not expect from me) but they'll have to wait until finals are over on Sunday.

I guess that's it for now. I've got a slightly raised temperature that I want to take care of before I continue my battle with math homework. 693 problems (not counting extras I've done, the practice exams, and the actual exams) in 8 weeks... WHO does that? Oh right, my professor. lol.

I hope everyone had a great week thus far! As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!

When Life Hands You Lemons... (Sour Sunday).

The St. Cecilia statue mom bought for me after "Sour Sunday." More on the reason behind the gift coming up...

Sorry about the extended break again. I did not anticipate the amount of work and things that bombarded me over the weekend. As I said in the last post, I was (correction: still am!) struggling with math. I bombed the math test... again... on Sunday. I studied for hours just to bomb it? Oh goodness no. Joe can verify that I do know my stuff (he tutored me for 3 hours on Friday... and he heard "Please shoot me now" at least half a dozen times, lol) I just completely blank out when I take the test... and that is BAD news because, it being an accelerated math course, I cannot afford to "screw up" as one of my classmates so eloquently put it. Here's the kicker to this whole "not passing" issue: NO ONE in the class is getting over a 50/100 on the exams. I'm serious. Everyone I spoke to said they received a 50 or lower. Personally, I received a 40/100 (yes, I'm putting it out there for all to know. I'm not ashamed to admit I fail at something). The problem with this class is the professor. I hate to point fingers but we've all agreed that it's not really our fault because we try the best we can with what we're given. The math problems presented to us are not clear (both Joe and my friend Dave, who has attempted to help me with math, both agreed on that) and the prof. spends 5 minutes on a single problem (per chapter) and then moves onto the next chapter. I had someone, who wasn't in the class, attend the class with me on Sunday and, surprise surprise, she didn't understand it either because nothing is properly explained to us. So what am I going to do? I have devised a plan that will take into effect tonight (after I do all those 101 errands)... I will use music to help me study. Music is ever present in my life. Even when I'm not actively listening to it, I have at least something "playing" in my head. This is why I often say that St. Cecilia (patron saint of music, musicians) chose me as my confirmation saint, I didn't choose her. I'm glad too. :) The inspiration to use music came at the end of what is now known as "Sour Sunday."

After I fantastically bombed my second math exam in a row, I came out feeling horrible... but I wanted to put it aside and focus on the fact that I would be able to finally attend Mass on a Sunday. I would be cutting it close but I was going to go, and that's all I wanted. We got there 10 minutes late (because my transportation situation isn't always the best when it comes to time management). "Fine, no big deal... at least I'm here." I had to stand in the back since we got there late. I said "Okay. I don't mind. I'll offer up the fatigue (since I was carrying a backpack that weighed at least 15 pounds) and whatever I feel." The Mass went by quickly. I enjoyed the homily Fr. Leo gave about how we should not be afraid of death and how we should try to live our lives as best as we could so we could be reunited with the Lord in Heaven. Then came time to receive the Eucharist. Someone announced that they were advising everyone to receive the Eucharist by hand so that there would be minimal contact (Swine Flu paranoia strikes away). Of course, no wine was given due to the same fear. From my understanding, receiving communion by hand was optional... and an option I didn't care for. I've NEVER received the Eucharist in my hand and I wasn't about to start... or so I thought. When it came time for me to receive the Eucharist, I stood there with my hands together, clearly waiting for the Eucharistic minister to give it to me on the tongue. The guy just stood there and said "We're giving it by hand." I was starting to say how that was optional but he got angry and practically threw it at my hands. I was LUCKY I caught it because it would've fallen on the ground. WHO DOES THAT?!

I was so angry, I took the Eucharist, put it in my mouth, did the sign of the cross and walked to the back of the parish... shaking my head, showing my disgust, with tears welling up in my eyes. I couldn't take it anymore... I walked outside and I openly cried those big crocodile tears I am famous for. I waited for Mass to be over and for my mom to come out. She asked me what was wrong. I told her and she shrugged it off. Then we walked by Fr. Leo and he asked what was wrong. I told him... and I added "It doesn't feel right. It's NOT right." He countered with "Well, Jesus gave his disciples bread that they each broke off with their hands. If Jesus was here, do you think he'd give you the Eucharist by hand? Think about it. He probably would." I was stunned... I couldn't say what I was thinking out of the respect I have for the Church and for those with a religious vocation. Before I left he said "You can't teach this old dog new tricks... but you can teach young dogs (me) new ones." He laughed, told me to get used to receiving the Eucharist by hand, and said he'd pray for me (probably to "get over" what I felt). As we were leaving, I vowed to my mom that I wouldn't set foot in that parish again.

It might be a little dramatic for me to say that I am never going back there again... but I can't, in good conscience, do it. The liturgical abuse is horrid (they practically skip over the Penitential Rites for starters) and I'm so disillusioned with this particular parish. I know I've grown up there, and that thanks to Fr. Leo, we were able to bury my father quickly and a lot cheaper than we were initially told, but I just can't sit there and pretend I'm okay with how things are conducted there. I can't. Mom loves the parish but I just can't make myself overlook how Masses are given there. I will look for another parish elsewhere because it's getting ridiculous.

Before we left, to come home, we stopped by the little shop on the side of the parish. I saw this statue of St. Cecilia and pointed it out to mom. I told her that I thought it was pretty and that she was the reason Cecilia is being (legally) added as my middle name. Mom ended up buying it for me, after seeing the horrible day I was having, so that I would have something that would remind me of her whenever I was having a similar type of day. On our way home, I told my mom St. Cecilia's story and she said "Wow. That's a great story. Very inspiring." When I thought about it, the idea of using music to help me cope with things like my math issues. I have used it (music) when I needed it, i.e. when I've had to control my anxiety or when I am stuck on a particular chapter in the novel I'm writing. I've placed the statue on my desk, right next to me, so I can glance over and remind myself that I've used music to help me overcome things before... and it will, hopefully, help me with my math issues. It will also remind me that, just like I cannot stand liturgical abuses... especially when they badly butcher the music, I must do what I feel is true and not give into pressures of what is expected of me (i.e. going to parishes that don't honor the Mass properly). Life handed me lemons on Sunday, but I refuse to give up without a fight.

Alright, that's all for now. I have to go run a million errands (yes, that is a great exaggeration ;)) before I dedicate the evening to math. Ick. lol.

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

Quick Update

Just a quick update since my math tutor (and fellow Catholic blogger) Joe is due at Chez Emmy any minute...

Sorry I haven't updated for nearly 2 weeks. I've been busy (REALLY BUSY) with school since my 8 week (a.k.a. crazy advanced) math course just began. Math is definitely my Achilles heel so I have to study it more than I usually do any other subject. Don't ask me why I decided to torture myself with a short, quick paced course instead of a normal 16 week course... I'm not even that sure. Since I don't know how long it'll be until I am able to blog more regularly, I have been toying with the idea of putting a couple of chapters of the novel I've been working on until I am able to come back and write a proper blog. If that happens, it'll start soon. At the moment I'm thinking about posting maybe 3 chapters... over a period of maybe a week and a half to two weeks (I have to break them down because they're too long for a single post). Again, I am not 100% sure that I will do this (because I have a thing about having my things ready before they are completed) but if I do, I'll start posting them very very soon.

Advent is coming up, I will be posting more regularly since it's my favorite time of the year. I do have a lot of things to write... I just need to find the time to write them. With school and the deadline for my novel approaching, I haven't had much time for anything else... including soccer matches (and y'all know what a big soccer fan I am... and how much I just cringed when I called it soccer. lol).

Alright, well that's it for now. I HOPE to write something either later tonight (though not likely since the L.A. Galaxy are playing for the Western Conference Championship... GO GALAXY!!) or tomorrow. Hang in there. I'm doing well... just a tad bit overwhelmed with school this semester. :)

I hope everyone is doing well. :D As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.

St. Joseph of Cupertino is Awesome (Prayer Included)!

I didn't even plan to write my first blog back from my hiatus (I am free from homeworkland!) on St. Joseph of Cupertino's feast day but it all happened that way. I think it's entirely appropriate because thanks to him, and Joe of Verbum Veritatis, I was able to test out of that dreadful math course I was taking. For those of you who are from outside the U.S. and Canada and are wondering why the heck I'm taking a math course when I'm specifically studying Religious Studies, Philosophy, and Literature... well, to put it simply, it's part of our lower division requirements. We're all supposed to get a general education which involves subjects like math, science, speech, etc. Math and science, which are my least favorite subjects, are the last things on my list to be able to transfer elsewhere and to move onto upper division courses in which I will focus on my major. I don't mind science too much, and the Biological Psychology course isn't that bad - though I could do without their trying to get me to support stem cell research (not gonna happen, buddy!) - but math... *shudders*. Since it has been years since I last took a math course, I was stuck in an algebra class. The first two weeks of school I sat there and yawned the entire 2.5 hours I was stuck there. I kept telling myself "Hey, I know this stuff... why do I have to suffer through this again?" Luckily, thanks to the intercession of St. Thomas Aquinas and St. Joseph of Cupertino, the head of the assessment center allowed me to take the exam to see if I could test out of math. This was very difficult, and had actually attempted to do the same thing last year but they wouldn't let me, so the fact that I was given the opportunity was a miracle. They very rarely bend the rules like this for anyone.

As soon as I found out I has a chance to take the test, I took action. I was already on the first day of my twitter-facebook hiatus so I knew I would have time to study. I had forgotten a lot of the things I learned in high school so I called Joe and asked him to tutor me. (It helps when you have fellow Catholic friends who are majoring in Math. lol.) We set up a time and place (btw, Joe is awesome for driving an hour out to where I live!) and he helped me remember things I had forgotten. After nearly 3 hours of going over algebra equations (oy!) I was confident that I would do well on the test the next day. The next day comes and I completely blanked on everything again. Even up to an hour before I went in to take the test, I could not remember anything. I asked St. Joseph of Cupertino, who is the patron saint of exam takers, to please help me out. All I wanted was to test out of that dreadful algebra class and move onto Statistics next semester. My mom actually asked St. Joseph of Cupertino the same thing while I was taking the test, and you know a mother's prayer/blessing is worth a lot. :D As the test went on, I started remembering everything I'd gone over with Joe the day before... and memories of HS teachers writing things on the board a decade earlier. An hour and a half after starting the test, I got the final result: I not only passed, I was only 2-3 questions away from testing straight out of it. Having to take a semester of math (a class I didn't take in high school) is way better than the entire school year plus the Winter break of math. I was so happy, I yelled "Thank you, God!" in the assessment center, making the student workers laugh. I specifically asked St. Joseph of Cupertino to at least get me into the class I needed to be done with the math requirement next semester... and I did. See? He will totally help you out if you ask him to help you on your exam. Of course, don't expect him to help you ask for his intercession only because you are too lazy to study. Prayer and studying is the magic combo. :)

And, in case you need the prayer to St. Joseph of Cupertino for your exams, here it is (and be sure to tell others of this prayer when he intercedes for you):

O St. Joseph of Cupertino who by your prayer obtained from God to be asked at your examination, the only preposition you knew. Grant that I may like you succeed in the (here mention the name of Examination eg. History paper I ) examination.
In return I promise to make you known and cause you to be invoked.
O St. Joseph of Cupertino pray for me
O Holy Ghost enlighten me
Our Lady of Good Studies pray for me
Sacred Head of Jesus, Seat of divine wisdom, enlighten me.

Now I am free to not study math again until October when I'll be taking an 8 week course to help me strengthen my math a little more so I can kick tush in Stats next semester. Yay! Now all I will have to do is worry about Biological Psychology, Philosophy of Monotheistic Religions, and Interpersonal Communication. Bio Psych is the only one that makes me procrastinate but it's not that bad. :) To be quite honest, I'm more worried about how often my fellow classmates use the Lord's name in vain and how horrible the wardrobe choices other female classmates make than I am about my classes. I will write more about that hopefully tomorrow. *sigh* 15 Units (did I mention that I'm also taking a career planning course over the weekend for fun?)... this is my record and I hope to make it out alive at the end of the semester. lol. :D

I think I'm going to go look into the application process for Oxford right after this. Yes, THAT Oxford University, in England. It's a long shot (I have a better chance of striking it rich) but it won't hurt to apply. A former English/British Literature professor encouraged me to apply so I am going to. Wish me luck! :) Alright, that's all for now. I am going to go look at the international students requirements before my big brother (the one closest to me in age) comes over to check up on me. I wonder what the odds are of him not teasing me this time. Probably slim to none. lol.

I hope everyone had a great week! As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.