Why the Last Month Has Been a Living Hell For Me (and It's Not COVID-19 Related)

This past month has been an absolute nightmare for me. Coronavirus lockdown aside, it took us over a month to figure out why I've had such an intense health relapse in the past month... but, really, the last couple of months altogether. The reason: a really, really bad allergic reaction to the back-to-back amoxicillin rounds I had taken for my molar infections.

When I used to think "allergic reaction," I thought of wheezing, throat-closing, facial features swelling, eyes watering, etc. You know -- the severe reaction. I never thought it could have a delay and that the physical manifestations would be as bad or surprisingly odd as I've had them.

I've experienced:
- Insomnia for weeks. That has now been followed by my recent inability to stay awake during the day as a result of weeks worth of being unable to sleep more than 3-4 hours per day.
- A skin rash that I thought was due to the stress I was under. Nope.
- Really, really bad jitteriness and anxiety. My anxiety actually wasn't as bad the first time I took amoxicillin as it has been this time around... and we were chalking it up to anxiety over the coronavirus. It may still be a combo of the two.
- My mental health going into deep depression mode. Again, we were blaming it on my failing health and the coronavirus situation, which may still have a part in it.
- My mental fog and the inability to concentrate, which has made me an unreliable writer for my poor bosses. Mercifully, they've been understanding.
- My platelets tanking under 100k (76k the first time, 96k this time).
- Possibly the daily, strong heart palpitations I've been experiencing. The first time I experienced crazy strong (but not too fast) palpitations was during one of the last doses I took. We thought it was anxiety. Nope. My doctor said, in hindsight, it was most likely a reaction to the dose since it started half an hour after I took it.
- Other things that I haven't mentioned.

Everything that has happened (and the new stuff) seems to be following the same pattern from last autumn (the first time I took amoxicillin). Some symptoms (e.g. jitteriness, extremely daytime sleepiness following insomnia, how "angry" the skin rashes look) have been worse this time. Others (platelets falling to 96k instead of 76k, the number of bumps from the rash overall) have been better.

 A few days ago marked the 30-day mark of when I took my last dose and you can tell I'm just now starting to detox from the effects. The rash started to fade on the day after I finished the Bl. Solanus Casey novena (which many of you prayed with me; thank you!). I'm starting to sleep more (a lot more; accompanied by jitteriness when I wake up). My mental fog is starting to lift and my mental health is improving. Yay for no longer being a depressed little robot!

I didn't start feeling like myself until Easter Sunday, which was coincidentally the month-mark of when I took my last dose. Theoretically, it should take 4-6 more weeks for this to clear up so here's hoping it'll continue and that the detox process gets easier in the next couple of weeks than it's been lately.

I would be lying if I said I haven't been scared this past month. I've been terrified. It's now day 34 since I last took a dose and we just figured out that all of this has been because of the amoxicillin. Again, this wouldn't have happened if I hadn't started the novena -- my doctor (who still hasn't seen me, btw; she's only gone on what I and the urgent care physician's assistant have told her) thought my rash was another skin issue. Even the PA didn't think it was an amoxicillin rash either. It wasn't until the novena was about halfway through that my doctor called to tell me that it did seem like it was an allergic reaction to the amoxicillin after all. That's also around the time that the previous pattern began showing up and it became an "OH I wonder if this is..." moment. After the novena ended, the rest of the puzzle pieces began to slot together and completed the picture. It's been worse this time around because I had to take a week's worth of antibiotics to take in late January-early February and a second-round in early March-mid March. It didn't give my body enough time to detox in between doses.

The last 2-3 days have been easier with the heart palpitations but worse with the jitteriness following naps during the day. Those closest to me have gotten panicked texts from me because of how absolutely terrible I crash and how panicked and odd I wake up feeling. Again, I had a similar reaction the first time around but it's been amplified about 10 times this time around, most likely because of the back-to-back doses.

I'm supposed to be taking Zyrtec for the allergic reaction but I've been sleeping most of my day away and I haven't been able to mentally prepare myself to take it in the few hours I am awake. To be honest, I'm afraid of an allergic reaction to the Zyrtec because of the medical PTSD of previous reactions to Benadryl and now the recent amoxicillin allergy.

And before you say, "But you're supposed to trust God." Yes, I do trust God but my mind (and the PTSD) right now is, unfortunately, is affecting my ability to think rationally. That doesn't mean I don't trust God. Remember, the amoxicillin greatly affected my mental health -- it literally messed with my brain chemistry. So, I'm just now starting to think rationally; to think more clearly. Remember the news of the young priest who committed suicide a few weeks ago as a result of a medication he was taking for GI problems; how it messed up his brain chemistry? Think along those lines for me, except I thankfully never contemplated ending my life. I was morbid in thinking I was going to die soon, I'll admit that, but not because I had any intentions of harming myself. Quite the opposite, I became hypervigilant of what was exacerbating symptoms so that I would feel better and get myself on a fast track to being on the mend so I could give myself more time to get to the confessional (whenever confessions are allowed again).

The fact that I went to the dentist this morning and that didn't have a panic attack nor was I paranoid about it pretty much confirmed that the effects are wearing off. (Side note: the appointment was considered a potential emergency situation; I was given more antibiotics as a precaution that I'm not taking unless I need to; it was given to buy more time while the lockdown is lifted and molar extractions are okayed by my insurance and the government since it's not an immediate emergency situation). Also, the fact that I'm not feeling depressed and morbid -- I actually feel like myself for the first time in weeks! -- is a good sign. I'm finally able to pray and say "Jesus, I trust in You" without any apprehension. I hadn't had more than a few hours of that trust and confidence in God for weeks when the next wave would hit. Yeah, those pills messed me up that bad.

I've spent the last 4-5 weeks unable to watch most Masses or pray because of how intense my mental fog or fatigue has been. I've been able to concentrate on my prayers for the first time in over a month in the last 2-3 days. My spiritual life took a massive beating. I hadn't been able to really do much for my vocation discernment, either, which I thought was bizarre but now makes sense. I wasn't sure if it was a spiritual attack or something else but it looks like we now have our answer. It could very well be a mix of the two -- a spiritual attack and a chemical imbalance, who knows!

So, that's where I've been lately... and why I haven't been blogging. That's why I kept asking for prayers on social media. I'm incredibly grateful to a lovely blog reader who suggested I ask Bl. Solanus Casey for this intercession because, thanks to that novena, we got answers to why my body had begun breaking down on me. Like I said, it wasn't until the novena was ending that the pattern began to emerge and things became clearer.

I pray that I can either start taking the Zyrtec tomorrow (I don't have to get up early for the first time in weeks) and/or that the rest of the effects begin to subside without my the jitteriness and other effects getting worse. Sure, most of the other physical symptoms are getting better but the anxiety is probably now peaking and the sleeping thing is just horrible to endure every time I wake up from a nap. 

Let it put it this way: Imagine that you've been sleep deprived for 24 straight hours after running a marathon all day. You're so tired but you can't sleep for some reason. Then, just as you finally settle to sleep, someone wakes you up in the most intense and frightening away, making your heart race and your body shake from the nerves. Amplify it a couple more times and you can maybe begin to imagine what I feel some naps. Sometimes my heart is racing, Yesterday it was beating at a weird rhythm for a bit and I was terrified until two first said they had similar experiences and that it probably meant I woke up at a weird REM stage. And, yes, the naps are absolutely necessary. I'm not fighting them. I'll fall asleep while eating sitting up anyway; I'm that physically exhausted at this point.

Please continue to pray for me. I'm going to call my doctor again tomorrow (I know she must be tired of getting 2-3 calls from me per week but I've had to update her on my evolving conditions) and see if we can't come up with a better game plan to make the rest of the detox process smoother. Also, please pray that there aren't any more surprises during the detox process. Yesterday's weird palpitations and yesterday and today's intense jitteriness post-naps have been new and very unnerving. Again, if I have to take the Zyrtec to minimize the effects I will but I'll be praying that I'm able to tolerate it better than other meds and that I don't get additional reactions or side effects from it.

I hope to get back into the swing of things around this blog now that I'm starting to slowly mend. I have a couple of posts planned in the upcoming week that, God willing, will actually be posted on time. Fingers crossed the fatigue lessens.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

What I Learned Wednesday #15: Gluten Free Catholic Edition

I didn't plan to have the last two WILW posts to be themed but that is life for you. ;)

Since yesterday's doctor appointment ended with my doctor telling me that I should avoid eating wheat, I thought about what this meant to me since I love to receive the Eucharist as frequently as possible. I love daily Mass and receiving the Eucharist is the cherry on top of that dairy-free sundae. Because we don't know whether it's a wheat allergy or if I have Celiac Disease (yes, there's a difference between the two), we don't know whether I can receive the low-gluten hosts and/or just the altar wine.

Oh, side note, a little background on my situation: I've been eating foods made out of mostly brown rice flour and cereal that's gluten free for the past couple of months because I wanted to see if it was the reason why my stomach problems going haywire. The only wheat I allowed in my system was in the Eucharist. I had no problem with the hosts and I was (have been) on the mend. A week before my doctor appointment, I reintroduced wheat into my system in the form of Bisquick pancake mix. Stomach problems started the first day. Anxiety, headaches, "brain fog", and extreme fatigue shortly followed (all of these, btw, point to Celiac disease). Anxiety also has the same symptoms so I don't know if it's one or the other. I haven't had wheat since Monday morning (last trip to Disneyland) and I haven't felt as exhausted as I did last week. So it may be or may not. My county health insurance doesn't cover the blood tests to determine anything, nor can I afford to pay for it out of pocket, so we're just winging it at the moment.

Since I forgot to ask my doctor whether I could try the low-gluten hosts at yesterday's appointment (remember, I had no reaction with the host on its own) and have to wait until tomorrow to call and ask, here are some of the options I have found for fellow gluten-free Catholics.

1. Gluten free hosts are invalid but low-gluten hosts are allowed. I'm very much a "by the rules" kind of gal. If it's illegal, I don't do it. No, not even jaywalking. If something's against Church teachings or against what the Vatican (i.e. CDF) says, I avoid it. So, of course, when this issue came up, I looked into it. The USCCB clearly states that the hosts must have some wheat in order for it to be valid. Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI (back when he was Prefect of the CDF) said it himself. Low-gluten alternatives are available (and they thankfully also list places you can order them from) and I could easily pay for those out of my own pocket as they are inexpensive (and worth it even if they were costly).

2. If you can't have any gluten at all, you can still receive the graces by taking the Precious Blood only. As I inquired (via Twitter this morning) what some Celiac Catholics did, I learnt that some drink the wine from a separate chalice. I've personally had the wine only a handful of times since my first communion because the doctor has me avoiding alcohol due to my anxiety. However, if I have to be 100% gluten-free, I am going to have make special arrangements. I don't know if they have any Celiac Catholics at my parish so I don't know if there is already a separate chalice for them or if one will have to be purchased... which I will, again, do out of my own pocket. I don't believe in burdening the parish with additional costs because of something that is my own problem so I'm going to have to save up or even take donations if it takes too long (which, if you know me, you know will be hard for me as I was brought up to earn things by my own hard work and not to take advantage of anyone's generosity). I already looked at the prices at Cotters (local supplier to parishes; I could live in this store) and it's going to be a dent in my wallet.

3. If for some reason you can't have low gluten hosts OR even the smallest amount of the wine, the only option left is to receive spiritual communion. This is the option that I am dreading the most because it won't be the same. I actually feel like tearing up thinking that this may be my only option. I will not get ahead of myself though. And, if it is the only option, I pray to God that I will grow more in my spirituality and grow closer to Him despite my not being able to physically receive Him. If this is what I must do, I must learn to change how I do things while still strengthening my own faith.

Like I said, I am not going to get ahead of myself but I am looking at my options. I pray that the Holy Spirit helps my doctor come up with the best decision for me and my health. I think I'm going to do the 9-Hour Novena to the Infant of Prague as well. We'll see how it all goes.

If you know anyone who has a wheat allergy or cannot have gluten (or, at least, think that it may be the cause of their health problems), please pass this along. I am sure I will write more about the topic later on.

Anyway, I have to go pick up my mom from work (please pray for her - she's been having problems with her right foot for months now and she's on her feet all 8 hours).

I hope you're all having a great week thus far. If you have any prayer requests, please send them by way. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless! :D

The Anxiety Chronicles: I'm Not Making It Up

First, I went to confession AND Mass for the first time in a month-ish this Saturday. SCORE!!! I seriously missed it. I cried when I received the Eucharist because I was SO happy to have the chance to do so. Having tummy issues for so long deprived me of this wonderful privilege we have as Catholics. I did feel a little faint but nothing too bad. :D

Second, I've been giving this some thought over the last couple of weeks and I feel like I should address is so that there is no miscommunication, any tension, or any hurt feelings... well, not anymore. I try to be open about my anxiety so that others who may go through similar things don't feel like they're the only ones, or that there's anything wrong with them. I went through the first couple of years without anyone to talk to about this so I know how horrible that feels. Having anxiety can make you feel like there's something wrong with you and that you can't be "normal" because of it. It sucks. Part of why I opened this blog was to help other Catholics with anxiety feel as if they were not alone. Thanks to God, I've been able to meet and help others in similar situations and for that I am very grateful. Sometimes they have medical conditions that trigger anxiety, sometimes it's a food allergy that brings it on (I just learned this), and other times it's past experiences that trigger the "fight or flight" response. Again, I share my experiences because I want others who may be experiencing something similar to take it in, think about it, and talk to their doctors about it. As of late, I've been wondering if I should just stop sharing my experiences... especially when people question me about whether some things are "all in my head." Let me give an example.

If you follow me on twitter or are a friend on my personal FB account, you know I will say "Oh, great... anxiety is back." What I don't say is "Oh, great... anxiety is back. Well, at least I know that my theory that *insert food* is the cause. I will try to not eat it again. At least the allergy is not worse." I already feel like I'm whiny for tweeting/posting about my anxiety but, again, if I can help others, I'm willing to turn the other cheek. In the past two months I've done experiments -- taking foods out of my diet and then reintroducing them to see if the anxiety comes back with it. I've found two foods that indeed aggravate the feelings of anxiety (including peanut butter -- one of the more common food allergies). The anxiety effect lasts for three days at most and then disappears. Can we say "Bingo!"? Same with medication. Some chemicals just do not agree with my body. My doctor since childhood (who, despite being a doctor and giving medicine when necessary) will tell me to avoid taking certain medications and to eat certain things when I'm ill because he's seen firsthand how meds and foods mess me up. (For those interested, I've also had the feeling like I couldn't breathe, have broken out in rashes, and a whole slew of other things when I've had an allergic reaction.)

Last night I took my first dose of a medication to help with my gastritis. It actually took me a couple of days to try it out because I wasn't sure if I had had an allergic reaction to a similar medication years ago (and they advised me not to take it if I had) or if I was given that similar medication but had not taken it. Since I still wasn't sure as of last night, I decided to try it out. Turns out, my first gut reaction that it was similar to one I'd had years ago might've been right because I woke up shaking and just not great. I took the second dose this morning and felt worse, complete with a shaking jaw. I mean, you could say it's anxiety but I know my body well enough to spot a reaction (however minor it may be). Countless trips to the emergency room due to food and medicine allergies have me prepared. Needless to say, I'm discontinuing it... at least until I can get a hold of my doctor and/or pharmacist tomorrow morning when I get my blood work done.

I share this because there might have been comments alluding that I'm making all of this up. I'm not naming names and I'm not attacking anyone in any way so please don't take it that way. This is just like a PSA to let you all know how I feel in these situations. As someone who is a little shy, a little self-conscience from years of bullying, and already feels like she's a huge burden on her family and friends because of this condition, I felt like those comments are discrediting what I feel (physically and otherwise). Not only that, but it makes me think that there is something seriously wrong with me and that no one wants to deal with me. Trust me, it was not my plan to get pale, feel as if I were going to faint, and worry my mother to the point where she couldn't sleep because it's "all in my head."

If you feel like I'm just being oversensitive or need a thicker skin, you may be right. Like I said, this is just how I feel. I am so sick and tired of having this condition. I didn't ask for it. I feel like (pardon my language) crap when I do get anxiety because my mom doesn't deserve that kind of worry. I don't enjoy getting sick. If I could make this go away, I would. And it hurts my feelings when people assume and/or discredit any illnesses or allergic reactions  as being anxiety and/or "all in my head." I'm not the only one who's had this problem lately either. I've noticed some other friends with allergies/anxiety having these same problems with some of their family and friends. We're not crazy or trying to get attention; our bodies just don't work the same way as others do. You try having anxiety for 12 years, and only now figuring out that a lot of the anxiety could've been controlled with proper food allergy tests (which I can't afford, btw). It sucks. Thankfully I've been pretty anxiety-free lately because I've taken certain foods out of my diet and I'm eating healthier. Any recent anxiety I might've mentioned has been as a result of my experiments to reintroduce the foods. As of right now, I am feeling some anxiety symptoms but those may because of a reaction to the meds (btw, my face and my jaw feel tight and odd... and my mom keeps checking in on me in case I get worse. Still think I'm making it up?)

In PSA fashion (which, again, I feel like this is): please be a little kinder when speaking to someone with anxiety... especially if you have no personal (you yourself) experience with it. Yes, I cry. Yes, I feel like poo when these things are mentioned. Yes, I can turn the other cheek... but I'm hope to bring a sort of awareness for the future. If you feel compelled to, then fine -- keep saying that I'm making it up. It'll hurt me but I'll pray for you and I'll move on quickly after. I'll take that kind of abuse but only if you agree not to do it to others. To those with anxiety, try to not let it get to you. I know it's easier said than done but try. Pray that St. Dymphna may intercede for you so that you know what it is that is causing your anxiety. And, BTW, a lot of my friends have had anxiety due to thyroid problems. Just putting it out there for future reference.

Anyway, I just wanted to get this off of my chest. Some of my more popular blog posts have gotten the traffic because people search for anxiety and Catholicism or anxiety and St. Dymphna. I hope some of this will help at least one person. :)

I'm going to go chug some water and try to do something productive while I wait to feel back to normal. :D Hope you all had a great weekend. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D