Silencing the (Musical) Noise in My Life

For months, I've been working on a little project called "Mission: Delete Spotify and Other Music Streaming Services." Rolls right off the tongue, doesn't it?  lol.

Music and the lack of silence in my life have been some of my biggest stumbling blocks. Not that there's anything wrong with music. I love music. St. Cecilia seems to have chosen me as a confirmation patroness. I sang in the school choir growing up. I learned to play a bit of piano before I entered junior high. I moved onto the acoustic guitar in my teens. Music has always been one of the biggest parts of my life.

Music was what kept me sane after my father's death. In fact, I got home from the hospital where he passed (and where I was born) and I immediately turned on my music. It's my metaphorical comfort blanket. I almost always had it on... until recently.

When I took my social media break last week, I also took a break from TV, movies, and other streaming services. I embraced silence... and it was uncomfortable at first. I had made strides in this area during Lent but I took several steps back since then.

I don't do well with silence. I've never been comfortable with it. Lent is hard for me because of the silence I choose to adhere to during it; at least during Holy Week. I know it's because I overthink and overanalyze things; my brain is always processing something. But that's where the problem lies; I have way too much going on in my mind all the time.

After the week of (mostly) silence, it all changed. Suddenly, I could focus on things more clearly (despite the mental/brain fog). I was able to sleep better. I was calmer. My stress levels were down.

As an experiment, I reverted to my former habits and saw that I no longer like them. In fact, it made me feel worse! The cult of busyness and the pointless noise has overwhelmed me again, just 3 days into my experiment. I haven't been able to sleep as well. I'm more anxious. I can't concentrate. Because of this, I decided to go back to embracing the silence... and cutting out the excess noise.

Spotify and other streaming service add to that pointless noise I want to avoid.

I'll be the first to admit that I like songs without listening closely to the lyrics. Why? Because I usually have it on in the background and only pay attention to the melody. Then I get scandalized by the lyrics when I do listen to the lyrics. That's why I decided to uninstall Spotify from my laptop.

I have more specific reasons for this choice of course. Those reasons are:

• It encouraged idleness/laziness when I had the energy to do something else. Instead of dancing around like a loon when I had the energy, I could've done something that would've saved me the trouble when I have a chronic fatigue flare up and can barely function.
• Those terrible ads. Political ads were the only things I heard during the CA primaries earlier this month. I don't know how many times I rolled my eyes at Dianne "The dogma lives loudly in you" Feinstein trying to get me to vote for her. I didn't FYI. Also, really? Condom commercials when I clearly don't (intentionally) listen to overly scandalous music? Barf!
• I want to be more careful about what I listen to. Once I get the lyrics in my head (or the double meanings), I can't go back. I end up having to bring it up in the confessional. Pass.
• To kick both FOMO and pointless noise out of my life.

I added tons of albums and songs to my iTunes wish list. I won't get them all but if I ever have a little bit to spare and treat myself, I'll be getting a couple of songs or an album every couple of months. I also want to make sure I don't use it as an excuse to spend more money; I'll just add a little bit when I want something new to listen to.

This is my game plan. I've already done a lot of music purges over the years (which you can read about here, here, and here) but this is just a new one. Streaming music services are now a thing (paid downloads are down; radio is basically obsolete) so I had to put restrictions that work for me.

Of course, I still have KUSC to listen to on the radio in the car (I only have a radio; no cassette, CD, or mp3 ports in my 1998 Honda Civic), on the app, and online. It's all classical music and the ads aren't morally problematic so I always have that as an option as well.

Had anyone done anything like this? If so, how has it worked out for you?

I'm sharing this because I want to be held accountable for what I listen to. I want to be more conscious about what I consume, especially when it comes to entertainment and publicly calling myself out will help me stick to it.

Anyway, that's it for now. I want to take a breather from being online for hours today (it took me a while to transfer songs lists; add to iTunes).

I hope you all had a lovely weekend and have a great week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Music Monday: The Great Music Purge

It only took me a year and a half but it's done. The Great Music Purge of 2013 is in the history books. If you haven't read my blog enough (nor want to click the link), I will explain why I did this.

Basically, I wasn't comfortable listening to a lot of songs that I had acquired over the years (including prior to my reversion). I used to pay attention to the melody and some of the words but when I stopped and actually listened to the lyrics I was surprised. A lot of songs had those double entendres that I hadn't picked up but, when I did, I was disturbed. My mind is still very innocent in that way. What the heck was I listening to at 12? I was listening to WHAT just a few weeks ago? *shudder*

Since it was Lent (and I had been putting off for far too long), I thought it was a good idea to just get it done. I started off with 2000+ songs and I ended up with (as you can see the screencap) 770 songs. That doesn't include songs on physical CDs or songs on my laptop that belong to my mom or were my dad's. That means that I wasted a ton of money on songs (since I legally paid for all my music). Once I took out songs I wasn't particularly interested in listening to these days (like Christmas music) and songs that I can't listen to because of "Alleluia" or "Hallelujah" (which should be avoided during Lent), I ended up with 310 songs.

Even though I had to give up a lot of songs I "loved" (I got rid of anything that had a negative message as well; i.e. "I will seek revenge on you for xyz..." or "if this person doesn't come back to me, I will plunge into a deep depressive hole..."), I knew it was for the best. Call me a prude and/or call me a puritan for getting rid of certain songs but I felt like I needed to do it for myself. In my experience, if you surround yourself with negativity and/or sinful thoughts and things, you'll most likely get acclimated to it and the easier it'll be for you to accept them... which can lead you astray more easily. You may disagree (and that's fine) but I would rather not risk it. Trust me, I had to go into the confessional a couple of times and confess some thoughts and words that were a result of singing along or thinking about certain songs. Yeah, not going back for that. For being an impatient snark when I'm driving, maybe, but not for that! lol.

I wish someone had curved my iTunes addiction between 2004 and 2008 (when I went a little crazy, ahem) but what's done is done. All of this has actually made me even more aware of my spending (not just on physical and virtual items but also with my time). There's been a lot of wasted money and time that I won't get back. However, I can make sure I don't make the same mistake twice. Not that I will now with the uber frugal budget I've given myself but, you know, better to take precautions. ;)

FYI, No, all the songs are not Perry Como. lol. It's a mix of classical, jazz/swing/big band, country, pop, classic rock, etc etc. My tastes vary and I have a soundtrack for everything. Everything. Music nerd, party of one. ;)

Anyway, just wanted to write this quick update because I know some of you were wondering about it... or some wanted to know what I'm currently listening to because I seem to have music on almost 24/7 (yes, I even have it on while I sleep some nights). My last.fm account will show y'all more if you're interested... but remember that I have a lot of pre-reversion music on it. ;)

Since today is my day off (I give myself Sundays and Mondays off), I'm going to try to relax before I go back to work on my novel and whatever assignments I can find (work is unfortunately nonexistent these days).

I hope you all had a great weekend and a have a fantastic week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

Music Purging Ain't Easy

Yes, I know it's not proper grammar. And, yes, I HAVE done coursework (read 70+ pages so far today) so I am not procrastinating. This is my break from fact cramming. :)

I've been doing "music purge" on and off for the past couple of months. What exactly is the point of the purge? Well, in nutshell, I am getting rid of all the music that I would have to bring up in confession. More that later. See, I have this sort of "rule" when it comes to entertainment (movies, shows, books, and music) to help me with that... if I cannot watch, read, or listen to it with my mother next to me, I won't. In some cases, when I think mom would be okay with some things that maybe she shouldn't be (lol), I think "if (paternal) grandma, who was a devout, holy woman, was alive, would we be able to be 'entertained' by this?" If the answer is no, then... well, you get the gist.

Now before anyone gets into the "you're being too scrupulous" lecture some of you love giving me, let me explain something. I was raised in a household that did not have these things... or at least, if there were unsavory things present that I should've not known about, I never found out about them growing up. My parents tried to not curse in front of me and when they slipped, they would always apologize to me. My parents never fought in front of me. I never saw either of my parents smoke (neither did) nor drink. I was asked to look away during kissing scenes (though this mellowed as I got into my teens) and they would quickly turn the TV off or change the channel if it was going further than kissing. Some might say that I was being overprotected and sheltered but I say that my parents were trying protect my soul from those kinds of things. There is nothing wrong with it and I am very grateful to my parents for it.

My teen years into my early 20s... well, I heard, did, and saw things (both unwillingly and out of curiosity) that, when I returned to the Church, I vowed never to do again. One was swearing. I never did it much prior to my reversion but I was less cautious about what slipped out of my mouth. Two was changing the friends I had, who exposed me to conversations I would rather my future children never have or listen to at that age. Third was getting rid of things that could potentially cause me to sin... especially with my mind.

As often stated, music is one of the biggest parts of my life. The only times I've ever gone without music have been the day my father died and the day of his funeral. I arm myself with a fully charged iPod touch and music apps on my Android phone every time I step out of the house. I will also occasionally leave it on all night so that songs like Debussy's "Clair de Lune" will help me sleep. Because I have it on almost 24/7, I've made a conscious effort to be careful with what I am exposed to.

Poll time: How many of you would be comfortable listening to the follow lyrics of a song I had twice by two different artists with your grandparents?: "Birds do it, bees do it / Even educated fleas do it / Let's do it, let's fall in love / In Spain, the best upper sets do it / Lithuanians and Latts do it / Let's do it, let's fall in love / The Dutch in old Amsterdam do it / Not to mention the Fins / Folks in Siam do it - think of Siamese twins..." Yes, in the end, they are talking about falling in love and not the actual act but it's still very suggestive and I've would never listened to it in front of my grandma. I grew up listening to a lot of these jazz/swing standards but it wasn't until I (both) took my Jazz in American History course (when I was a Jazz Studies major) and until I really listened to the words that I realized what the song was really about. Needless to say, the more I try to live a holy life (key word: try), the more uncomfortable I am with these things being in my possession.

I'll be the first to admit that most of the time I don't pay attention to the lyrics. I pay attention to the melody first; the lyrics come second... and much later. I think that my mind may be too innocent at times (seriously, ask some of my friends how surprised they are that I don't "get" a third of the stuff they talk about) so my interpretation of the song lyrics is just that: innocent. I don't get some of sexual innuendos until they are pointed out to me by someone.

How does confession figure into all of this? I examine my conscience closely. Very closely. I try to avoid things that I know I will come across when I'm using the iConfess app before I go into the confessional. It will ask you to mark the "I did not avoid the occasions of impurity" and/or the "I did not seek to be chaste in my thoughts, words, actions" flags if you have done it. It will ask you to "flag" the "I told impure stories, or listened to them" option which can easily apply to music. Songs (that are not instrumental) are like little stories you listen to. Do I want to confess that I willfully listened to something that could've sparked an impure thought in my mind? No, but I would if I did because that's breaking the 6th Commandment. I will make myself accountable for my actions. So, while deleting songs and throwing away records of songs I loved before I knew what they were really about isn't easy, it's absolutely necessary for my soul. You may or may not agree with me but this is something I am personally doing for myself. :)

Current stats: I am down to 737 songs on my iTunes list (and I haven't finished going through them) and I still have my Spotify lists to go through. Oh yes; I'm serious. This self-proclaimed music nerd (who just bought Benny Goodman and George Gershwin vinyl records - on sale for a buck! - over the weekend) is being more careful and enjoying it. :)

Anyway I just wanted to share... and, okay, procrastinate a bit. lol. I have my Music paper to write (which I can do in under an hour) and then continue reading for my Harlem Renaissance course since I have a paper due for it on Thursday. :)

I hope y'all had a great weekend and start of week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D