Gratitude in Difficult Times

I'm grateful for a mother who never quits. We have our difficulties (as do all mother-daughter relationships), our different temperaments, and way different communication styles but Mom is like a Goonie... she never says die!

I'm grateful for my brothers who, as we get older, are more and more involved in my life. I didn't have that closeness with them growing up since I grew up as a virtual only child (they're all older half-siblings).

I'm grateful for friends who give me advice, support me, and help me in any way they can. Whether it be anxiety or school-related stress... whether it's a guy problem... whether I'm just having an awful day, someone is always there to help pick me up again.

I'm grateful for the miracle of passing some of my exams and coursework, especially when I think I've tanked them. It's really weird but I've found that the more I study, the worse I do on exams. It's just something I recently realized.

I'm grateful for the insight about the less study time = better grade. Holy Spirit double whammy FTW!

I'm grateful for professors who understand stressful problems and even send me encouraging words when I feel like giving up. I've never had such a supportive professor (who sends me motivating compliments) than the one I have this semester... for the second hardest course in the program.

I'm grateful for the opportunity to study, period. Sure, I'm up to my eyeballs in student loans but at least I have the chance to study. The same can't be said for others in different parts of the world.

I'm grateful for answers. Even if it's not what I want to hear, getting answers is always a good thing because then you can try to figure out what to do next.

I'm grateful for you lovely readers who have kept reading this blog, even if I shut down my nearly 3,000+ follower Twitter account and only have 18 people following on the new Twitter account... even if I keep losing readers on the blog's FB page every week (and I have been)... even if you all decide to never read this blog again, your kind words and prayers have helped keep me going all these years.

I'm grateful to all the saints in Heaven who've interceded for me, especially this year.

Lastly (but most importantly), I'm grateful to God for literally everything, even the bad. I may feel like I'm drowning... broken... unloved/unlovable... weak... but it's during these times that I can feel closer to God than when I'm well. I may not always "feel" like I'm in a good place with Him but we all know the devil loves to try to trip you up when you're at your lowest and can do so by playing with your emotions. I know that, deep down, my love for Him will never fade... no matter how low I may feel. I know that He will make sure someone will always help me get back if I ever fall (as I did in my teens).

What are you all grateful for?

I hope all you lovely fellow Americans have a lovely Thanksgiving Day weekend!

Thanks for reading and God bless! :D

When Frustrations Make You Overlook Blessings

I'm taking a break from working on my research paper on childhood stuttering (speech-language pathology students represent!) because, as I was working on the paper, I was hit with two thoughts that seem to be connected: 1) feeling frustrated when your plans don't materialize and 2) overlooking your blessing and forgetting to be grateful for what you have.

As I stated in my last blog post, despite any physical limitations I might've had lately (which seem to have been caused by an accidental dairy-ingestion), I've been wanting to do a lot more than what I've been able to do in recent weeks/months. Being unable to help out in the soup kitchen -- which I heard was an amazing experience -- and having other efforts to do more thwarted this weekend simply increased that desire and it's made me feel a little restless.

On Saturday night, I booked a trip with a local transportation system (which both Mom and I are a part of) that would take us to Mass. After the doctor confirmed that the persistent lightheadedness is due to the anemia, I knew it would be something that will derail any plans to drive to Mass in the afternoon/evening until my iron levels get better.

I want to go to Mass. I need to go to Mass. I was excited that I had a ride to Mass. That way, even if I got a bit lightheaded, I would be okay. I wouldn't be driving and thus I wouldn't be putting myself, my mother, or other people out on the street in danger. I got dressed up (and made an extra effort to look nice because I was so excited). We went outside in the 90+ degree heat to wait for our ride that was scheduled at 5:12 p.m.

When 5:30 p.m. came and there was still no ride, I called them to find out what time they would get there. "I'm sorry," the dispatcher said. "It looks like your taxi won't be able to make it." I was gutted. I walked back up the stairs to my apartment and slumped down on my chair in my book cave. I thought I was finally going to go to Mass. I was excited. I had planned it all out. I even booked the trip almost 2 hours before Mass began in case there was some delay. I didn't forsee this coming. Needless to say, we marked our 7th weekend without attending Mass.

That seems to be the theme lately: having the desire to do something and not getting anywhere. Exhibit A: Saturday's planned outing with the young adult group but having to pull out because I felt physically weak. Exhibit B: Sunday's plan to go to Mass but still missing Mass due to lack of transportation. Exhibit C: getting only 24 hours to study instead of the full 3 weeks I should've gotten prior to my last exam. There are more examples but I'm not going into them. The more I want to do, the less I can do. All aboard the S.S. Failboat, destination: Frustration Island.

With the recent trend of being a living example of Murphy's law, I decided to try to finish my research paper which is actually not due until the end of the month. Yes, I'm starting early because I'm not going to take chances. As I got more and more into the paper, I got hit with the sudden realization that I've been failing to be grateful for what I do have.

Sure, my health isn't the greatest right now... but it is improving as seen in the last round of blood work. I've been within a healthy weight range (after being underweight following my car accident and trying to do too much at the same time) for the past year without any problems. I currently weigh more or less the same I weighed a decade ago which is my normal adult weight. Now that I've turned my book cave into a home office (which just means I added a desk to the room), I've been able to study and really focus when I need to. I've somehow managed to do really well in my last three exams despite the lack of study time. I received my car (after the mechanic spent months trying to get it running safely after my car accident) a year ago and I've had no major problems with either the car or anxiety while driving. Speaking of anxiety: has anyone seen my anxiety? I haven't had a full-blown panic attack or anything of the sort for a long time.

How easy it is to get caught up in what we want and how much easier it is to forget to thank God for what we have. I have an amazing mom who will support me in whatever I decide to do. I have awesome older brothers who will do what they can for me, even if they're in other states and/or countries. I have an amazing group of friends (who are like family to me) who are there for me no matter what, even at late/early hours of the day. I have a bright future, career-wise. I've been able to fulfill a dream of getting published. I'm able to rest as much as I need to with my only worries being getting my coursework completed on time and keeping this household running (i.e. paying bills, keeping the house clean, running errands, keeping the 'fridge stocked, etc.).

I think I'm beginning to realize why God has delayed everything for me. The key word is "think." If I had a family (children), it would've made it harder for me to recover as much as I have to date. I wouldn't have had the opportunities I've had until now. That's not to say I don't still wish I had a fella to share my life with or that I don't wish to have a family someday, but I'm starting to see why -- and feel grateful for -- the delay.

I spent my late teens through early 20s helping take care of my dad (until his death) and then I pretty much took over and helped keep my mom from the crippling depression that following his death. I put others before myself and I failed to learn to take care of myself. I didn't start learning to do that until my mid-late 20s. Heck, I'm still learning how to do that now, shedding bad habits in the process. I didn't have the typical selfish college years. I feel like I'm now getting a chance to be "selfish" by being able to simply take care of myself and enjoy a little bit of "freedom" before the next phase of my life. There's still a couple of things I need to break the habit of doing and other things that I need to learn to be the best version of myself.

I'm going to bookmark this post for when I'm feeling restless... or when someone is on my case about still being single (which is about to start because my birthday is coming up in May and it's usually when people begin with the comments). Most of the time, I can understand that I can't do everything I want when I want. For the times that I get impatient and my inner Grumpy Cat wants to come out, I'm going to re-read this.

All in God's time. Such a cliché saying for a reason, folks. Despite wanting to do a, b, c, d, and e, I know that things will fall into place when He thinks it's the right time for me. Who knows, maybe the lack of Mass attendance is going to fan the flames in my heart to evangelize (despite my dislike of public speaking and/or engaging in conversations that may result in arguments) or do something that will make me grow closer in my relationship with God. Yes, my optimism is showing. ;)

Anyway, just random thoughts I needed to get out of my head so that I can go back and focus on my research paper. :)

I hope y'all are having a good start of the week! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Inspiration and Gratitude

Very quietly, I took a couple of days off social media and it went unnoticed... and it was bliss! I've been doing my best to stay off social media though it's not always easy. Thankfully, I had a lot to distract me for the past week and a half.

On the Wednesday before I returned to school for the Spring semester (which began last Monday), I had the opportunity to step away from social media for most of the day -- most days for an entire week -- thanks to a group of talented and lovely young adults. I won't go into specifics about this group because it's one of those things that I want to keep to myself (for the most part) but let's just say that some of them inspired me in ways I had never been challenged before. 

One person in particular really made me think about positive changes I've been wanting to make but haven't made much an effort to do. She's younger than I am but she's a positive ray of sunshine who is always smiling and laughing even when things are stacked up against her. We are very different in many ways -- mainly: she's an uber-extrovert and I'm a social introvert with an emphasis on the introvert part -- but she reminded me of how important it was to be positive and optimistic when faced with obstacles that seem impossible. 

I'm optimistic... up to a point. I noticed that there were people who really brought me down when I was trying to stay positive in difficult situations so I made some changes there. As much as I hate to admit it, people's opinions and feelings do affect me more than I admit. Surrounding myself with positive people (like this group of people) really did wonders for me in the week that I spent most of my day with them. While I don't think I'll be able to see them for an entire week straight like I did this month, I know I'll always have those memories and a certain social media platform to keep up with what's going on with them since we're all currently in different countries.

Last night, the young adult group I belong to here in L.A. got together for a movie night and, again, I was inspired. We all got together in the living room of the priests who are our spiritual directors for the group and we watched A Man for All Seasons. The film -- brilliantly cast -- told the story of how St. Thomas More stood up for his Catholic beliefs when King Henry VIII broke away from the Catholic Church in order to marry Anne Boylen. If you haven't watched it, I highly recommend it. After the film, we all discussed how we're seeing something similar these days; how some pro-life politicians say they're pro-life but will 'respect' Roe vs Wade since it is law. That led to a discussion on how difficult it is to live life authentically as a Catholic with the way our society is going. It was truly refreshing to hear the thoughts of other young (orthodox) Catholics in L.A. because I rarely experience it out here. Though I was unsure about attending the meeting -- it ran late by my "old lady" standards -- I was glad I went.

The time I spent with the first group and last night's group -- as well as the conversation on the car ride home with a lovely friend who drove me home; I don't like driving by myself at night, especially not in my neighborhood -- made me reflect on how grateful I was to have these people (and others who are not a part of either of these groups) in my life. To be continually inspired to be the best version of yourself, to remember that God is first and earthly things are not worth the emphasis we sometimes put on them... I'm truly blessed to have been reminded of these things.

Now I can say that I am ready to start my semester properly. My mind was too busy soaking up and processing everything I'd experienced the last week that I couldn't concentrate on much else. I feel refreshed, ready to work hard, and grateful for everything good in my life. Yes, my car was vandalized yesterday (I spent about 2.5 hours just trying to get a police report filed). Yes, nothing is perfect. Still, there are so many blessings in my life that I can't dwell on the bad. :)

I have a challenge for all you lovely readers this week: take a look at who inspires you to live a life that will lead you to Heaven; who makes you want to do good in this world; who makes you want to be the best version of yourselves. If you haven't thanked them -- either verbally or doing whatever your/their love language is -- do so. Thank God for the blessing of their friendships and pray for them and their loved ones. I think we sometimes get caught up in our own drama that we forget to pause and be grateful for those who bring light during our darkest moments.

And that -- everything I just wrote -- which is why I haven't blogged or been on social media as much lately. I've been wanting to write for days but I've been so busy with the lovely people in my life, with trying to do what I could do during the first week of the semester, or dealing with other things that I simply didn't have the time. It looks like life is going to quiet down again for me -- at least for a couple of weeks -- so I hope to blog more often. I might blog more and tweet less. We'll see. ;)

I hope y'all have had a great weekend and that you have a wonderful start of the week. Beat those Monday blues. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Nothing But Gratitude

Can I just say how grateful I am for the people who are currently in my life? Last night I had a major breakthrough on an issue that had been plaguing me for the last couple of days. I didn't even know it had been an issue until 2-3 days ago. This problem had made me feel incredibly restless, lonely (and not just in a romantic sense; in a platonic one as well), and I was just not in a good place. That writer's block I talked about on Twitter? That stemmed from the restlessness. At one point, all I wanted to do was cry because I was so stressed out. Then, as the song goes, I got by with a little help from my friends.

The issue in question is something I've been praying for clarity on. In fact, today I'm on day 7 of this particular novena (I have two going on at the same time). What the problem is has to remain vague but let's just say that it was something that I had to address and was something that had built up over the last 4 years or so. Because it had built up over time, when it fell apart, I was incredibly disappointed and I found myself at a loss on how to proceed. Enter: restlessness with just a small dash of loneliness. I firmly believe it was thanks to Mama Mary's prayers, as well as the love and support from the ladies in the Blessed is She (Southwest Region) community, I had that breakthrough that led me to the state I am in now: a state of peace, understanding, and gratitude.

I've always felt sort of like a little, lone duck in a massive pond. I grew up by myself (with my parents, of course). I did most of my high school years by myself (through an independent charter school; only went into to do exams two hours per week). I will be doing most of my graduate degree on my own (save for a couple of lectures and events on campus). Most of my friends have moved away from L.A. (or even CA). I'm home alone for a good portion of my day. All that builds up. Usually, I'm okay with it. In fact, I'm used to it. Hello, I'm an introvert. Some days are really hard. When you're going through something big, that loneliness is glaringly obvious.

These past two days I was reminded that there are still great people around, even when no one in your immediate circle of friends is available. God has blessed me with a wonderful support system. Even people who I barely know offered up prayers and support over the week. I think we (or at the very least, I) sometimes forget to be thankful for those around us. We get caught up in our own problems, in our own feelings, and we forget to say a big "thank you" to everyone in our lives. So, please, let me take this moment to say a big "Thank you!" to everyone.

If you're reading this blog post, thank you. If you follow me or have interacted with me on any social media site, thank you. If you've prayed for me, thank you. To my close friends, thank you. To my acquaintances, thank you. To the virtual strangers with big hearts, thank you. Even if you've never interacted with me and this is your first time reading this blog, thank you. You might've not done anything directly for me but I believe that everyone has planted many seeds of goodness throughout the world that eventually cause others to do the same. That chain just multiplies and eventually it reaches a person whom you don't know that has been in need. Thank you.

Anyway, just a little something I felt like writing. :)

Alright, I've got to go stand in line for the confessional because they only have an hour of confessions at this particular parish and if you're late, you're out of luck.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Have I Thanked God Enough?

Lately it seems that God keeps showing me just what I saved myself from by turning my back on a couple of things in my teen years and early 20s.

For example: today I ran into an ex-boyfriend of mine. I hadn't seen him since a few weeks before high school graduation... or, I should say, my graduation as I found out today that he ended up dropping out while graduated a year and a half ahead of schedule. Two things led me to an early graduation: my father having cancer the first time around (in 2002) and my anxiety which led me to do independent study. I finished my entire senior year as well as part of my junior year in a single semester. 13 classes in 3 months. I didn't know the meaning of sleep during those months. I will gladly show you my transcripts if you don't believe me. Oh yeah... I've always been a hardcore nerd. lol. Anyway, I have no idea how I managed to do it but I did.

When I graduated high school, I took time off to take care of my father. When I did this I said goodbye to my social life as well as someone I was sort of seeing... who, by the way, was Mormon so we had different beliefs. I was a lapsed Catholic during this time and, though I still had my faith and no one could persuade me to convert to another religion, I'd been a little more careless when it came to who I dated. Anyway, by turning my back on the social circle I was in (which was not healthy to start with) and focusing on my father as well as myself, I was able to avoid who knows what. There were plenty of invites to go out and get crazy. Today, through my ex, I found out that I am one of the last (if not the last) of our childhood friends/classmates to either get married and/or have kids. At 25 (which the majority of us already are) everyone is settling or has been settled for several years. That doesn't sound bad except that the stories don't seem to have happy endings and it makes me sad to hear that. I actually felt very bad for my ex until he started hitting on me but that's a whole 'nother story. lol. From our chat I realized that not only I did the right thing by (in a sense) abandoning my chances of "having a good time" and rebelling just like everyone else did (oh, the sad stories I could tell you about old friends)... God was slowly putting me back on track. It took my father's battles with cancer as well as my own struggle with anxiety (which I still fight on occasion) to get me where I am now but these things ended up being blessings in disguise.

Have I thanked God enough for everything he's done for me? I don't think I have. I think that there's so much more that I can still do to show my gratitude. As many of my closest friends will tell you, I always say that I am truly grateful for everything I've gone through, especially the really bad things. I mean, I'm actually starting to thank God out loud when I get my panic attacks or when I get sick. I know it may sound twisted but if it's through suffering that I returned to God and the Church and if it's through pains and attacks that I am reminded of where I am and who I am today then I am happy and willing to suffer through it. That's something I learned from St. Gemma Galgani and something that is now etched into my heart and mind. I still don't think I am worthy enough to be called a "victim soul", one who suffers for others while on earth, but if I am strong enough to endure these things so that others don't than I am willing to carry this cross for as long as God wants. :)

Alright, I wish I could write more but it's already getting late and I have a lot of things to do so I should end this post. :) I think y'all have enough of my writing for one day. lol. :D

I hope y'all are having a great start of week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.