It’s been almost 3 weeks since I took my last dose of hydrocortisone and I can tell the difference.
This is where I let y’all on a little secret only a handful of people have known for the last month: while I won’t get my official results for another two weeks (and I won’t get the lab work done until next week), my endocrinologist believes I’ve officially been healed/have recovered from adrenal insufficiency. The previous two lab orders shows that my body was producing 3-4x the amount of cortisol on lower doses. Not only that, I had too much of other hormones and my chronic pancreatitis and elevated A1C despite eating healthier were indicators that the hydrocortisone was starting to affect my health because I no longer needed them.
So, all the health issues I’ve had for most of the year seem to have been little signs that my body was healing/had healed. That affected so many different things, including my mental health. That also seems to have fueled the depression that added wood to the desolation fire. It’s all connected — mind, body, and spirit.
I’m still not 100%. My body is now getting used to not having the steroid in my system. I’m struggling with insomnia right now. My concentration issues, brain fog, and memory are all still shot. But everything else seems to be getting back to normal. I’m a lot less exhausted than I was on the medication — except for maybe the last month or so when I had so much energy that I went 4 hours dancing non-stop and I still wasn’t tired when I made myself stop just so I wouldn’t overdo it. Seriously, it was odd after the last couple of years of being perpetually exhausted. But I’m doing a lot better with other symptoms.
By the way, did I mention when I got the news? On the eve of the feast of St. Elizabeth of the Trinity… who died from primary adrenal insufficiency and whom I’d asked for her intercession. I mean, I’ve bugged so many saints about my health but I think it was beautiful that I got the news on the eve of her feast day considering she’s patroness of the condition.
So, what happened? As best as my endo can tell, my body was under a lot of stress from a variety of sources — some health and some personal — and it all contributed to my adrenal glands getting overworked and shutting down. So, the initial diagnoses were correct and I indeed had secondary adrenal insufficiency and not primary (Addison’s). My adrenal glands were so damaged that it took nearly three years to start functioning normally again.
Where do I go from here? I mean, that’s what I’m trying to figure out. A lot of possibilities have opened up now that I don’t have to worry about the adrenal insufficiency. In these last 3 years I’ve learned how to take better care of myself — physically and mentally — and I can use those things to continue to thrive. But there are still other things that won’t allow me to get back to pre-diagnosis “normal.”
I’m still visually impaired (and technically legally blind) and only an absolute miracle would make it not so. There is zero hope for me to regain my eyesight as it was as far as any medical doctor is concerned. Also, my health isn’t 100% only because I no longer than adrenal insufficiency. I’m a bit older and my body was put through so much that I still have to take care of myself in a different way than I did before.
I’ve gained a lot. I have a lot more freedom (in a way). I have a sort of second chance in all areas of my life. I have some amazing friends after others decided to end our friendship when I had mentally reached rock bottom (when it was suspected that the meds were starting to affect me negatively and I had communicated as much). I even have a chance to take my writing career in a different direction. That will mean harder work and starting over, in a way, but it would also be a fun challenge. For reasons I will not share on here (basically, because I never do) I need to go back to the drawing board in regards to my vocation discernment. I’m very much “off the market” but I still need to discern that further once I’m out of the desolation because there is no way I’m making any decisions stuck here.
And, actually, that’s why I’m unsure about anything — I made the decision to not make any big decisions until I was out of the desolation. No one get too excited but… I can see it lessening. Again, I fully think part of this came with the steroids messing with my brain chemistry and me just going a little banana nut bread because I can see the difference with how I’m reacting to things and how I’m thinking about them. How I would’ve handled another friendship disappointing me a couple of months or even weeks ago is not how I’ve been handling the most recent disappointment. The aversion to all things religious isn’t as strong.
I will say that the desolation and the meds messing with my mind (and my spiritual health) is that it brought out all of my doubts and other negative traits into the spotlight while simultaneously healing some things. I see where I have to work on some things I didn’t think I needed to (or had overcome).
I’m currently in the internal fight between knowing what’s right and what’s wrong and what has been my “reality” for the last 6 months of desolation and not thinking clearly. I’ve gotten a new perspective on certain things that my scrupulous mind would’ve blown out of proportion. I’ve distanced myself from Catholic “news” which I saw was actually harming me, spiritually. I’ve been really looking at the things that fueled the desolation and getting to the root of them. Some things I’ll hold onto and some things I’m letting go…
However, I’m still in a very vulnerable place despite the desolation beginning to very slowly dissipate. I’m not fully back to the Church… and I sometimes fear that I may never be. Why? Because I still have a lot of things to work on and I don’t know if I’ll be strong enough to get through it all while still surviving life in general. The desolation really knocked any confidence I had about my faith and my spiritual life completely out of me. I find it even more difficult to even want to talk to God. But I’m going to give myself some time before I declare myself a lost cause (unlike others who gave up on me a long time ago). I’m still slowly (very slowly) returning to myself without any medication altering anything so I’ll have to wait to see how things unfold. And, again, this goes back to the uncertainty of anything. Heck, I don’t even know if my brain will ever be the same or if the medication has permanently altered things and how that’s going to affect everything, my spirituality included.
I used to be a planner. I used to love to plan things far in advance. I’ve found myself no longer doing that. I’m trying to enjoy the present instead of trying to live in the future or even the past. At the moment, my priority is taking care of myself, keeping the boundaries I’ve set for things and people, and trying to get used to my new normal. It means going with the flow when things change and trying not to stress over it.
It means enjoying the people around me — laughing, singing, dancing, and simply being surrounded by people who bring out the best in me. It means having a goal or two but not being so attached to them in case things change. It means so many other things that will be tweaked as they come up… and I’m totally okay with that.
And I think that’s it for now. I’m gonna go hang out with my girls in a little while but I wanted to get this out in a rare “blog writing” urge because I find myself wanting to blog less and less. Like I said, my writing career might be headed in a different (more secular) direction so keeping this blog updated (or starting a new one from scratch to reflect where I might be headed) is something I need to think about. When I’m able to with better clarity, which I don’t currently have.
Okay, that’s it. I’m gonna go see what shenanigans the girls and I are going to get into tonight and this weekend. lol.
I hope y’all are well!
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