One of the best friends I ever had — Melissa Joy (yes, we had the same first name) taught me a valuable life lesson that has just now sunk in in a way that hadn’t before: be yourself without apologies.
Recently, I’ve been going through a serious faith crisis. It’s something I’ve been struggling with for a while now but it’s only been amplified during the 54-day Rosary novena. I feel and see myself slipping away from the faith. I know part of that has to do with the desolation I feel, the isolation (from my parish community and friends) I’ve been forced into, and all my health issues all colliding. But there was a major component which I hadn’t factored in: the feeling like I have to continually censor who I am to fit in in certain Catholic circles or to deny myself of things because if I don’t, I’m a “bad Catholic.”
This is where I admit that I’m a massive fan of the Amazon Prime series The Summer I Turned Pretty. Go ahead and judge me if you want — I’m tired of caring at this point. Am I way out of the target demographic? Yup! Are there questionable things that go against the Faith? Yup. Do I still enjoy it? Sorry, but a big yes! I’m fully invested in the story of Belly Conklin and her feelings for brothers Conrad and Jeremiah Fisher. I didn’t love the books but I’m loving the changes made for the series. I mean, not the end of episode two of the second season (they should’ve kept it closer to the books for that particular scene) but I still like it overall. I like getting excited to see what the next episode will bring since they’re following the book trilogy but are making some great improvements that keep us “book girlies” on our toes.
It was when I realized that I couldn’t share this excitement and joy that it seemed like I had finally figured out why I was so miserable and why my faith crisis was getting worse.
See, I’m the type of person who can live in the “secular world” and still see the good, the bad, and the ugly. I see people (whether real or fictional) for the beautiful and oftentimes flawed persons that they are. I’m able to take the secular shows, movies, music, etc. and find the good in it. It actually enriches my faith so much more because it challenges me (in a good way) and it makes life more beautiful to me. My faith thrived when I was at the CINO (Catholic in Name Only) college, when I wasn’t in the best environment for the faithful. I was more “joyful in the faith” when I could be more open and honest about things without the weight of judgment for not living up to expectations.
That’s not to say that I wasn’t being authentic; I was. I was just stifling a big part of myself in the process. It took my excitement for this series, the re-working of my fourth novel, and the two hospital trips (and a big dose of Memento Mori) for me to realize what was going on. After watching the fourth episode of the second season for the show (which had a killer soundtrack) and wanting to tweet about it — but then being afraid of what people would say — I went, “you know what? Flip that table! I’m excited for this. I’m going to share it.”
With the realization of how bad my health is getting and how short life is, I decided that I’m too tired to care anymore. I’m tired of people shaming me for liking things that bring me joy and give me a little break from the harsh realities of life. Because my life is hard and I’m struggling. And you know what? It’s thanks to those breaks from overthinking about all that’s going on in my life that have actually started helping me with my faith, little by little. I mean, I actually took a break between rewatching episode four (I have to watch each episode a few times because of my visual impairment; so I can focus on different things each time to get a complete picture) to pray Vespers… and actually feel joy while praying it. Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve had that happen? A long time, my friends.
I know that this isn’t the typical route for “faithful Catholics” but what about me *is* typical or normal? I feel like I’ve always been a little ball of contradictions — though I tried not to be — and I’m not being true to myself or who God made me if I don’t continue to be that way. Even my own temperament combination (melancholic-sanguine) isn’t supposed to exist; the temperaments are on opposite ends of the spectrum… yet that’s what I am. I don’t fit the mold of what a Catholic is supposed to be like and I’m tired of trying to force myself into the little boxes. I’m too “modern” for the trads and too “trad” for the liberals. And I’m just tired of the judgements, comments, and everything else.
Do you know how depressing it was to realize that I went from being described as “bubbly and optimistic” to “muted and depressed”? I don’t recognize myself. And I can’t find God in the place I’m in now.
Why can’t I find God in the secular? If I found Him in it before — and I actually reverted and thrived in it — why not now? Why can’t I produce secular content that won’t cause scandal or go against Church teachings? Why do so many people assume they know me and then try to shame me into fitting what they think I should be like? Because that’s what’s been happening. I see other Catholic friends talking about the shows or music they like… but I don’t see others shaming them for it. But me? What is it about me that makes me a target for unkindness and judgment? I truly don’t understand it.
Why are people telling how to live my life; how to live out my faith? Because that’s what’s been happening; people keep telling me how to suffer through my health issues and how I shouldn’t x, y, or z because that’s not what I should be doing as a Catholic
So, I’m going to do just that. I’m going to live my life and tune the shame out as much as I can. It’s not easy as I’m a terribly sensitive person who gets hurt easily but, honestly? Melissa Joy had it right; no one should make me feel inferior or unworthy or unloved just because what I like and who I am doesn’t fit with what they believe is right. I truly believe I can live my life as a Benedictine Oblate and a faithful Catholic despite living in the world. I might be proven wrong in the future, but this is what feels right at the moment.
Anyway, I just wanted to get that out of my system. If any of you following me on social media feel disappointed in this new development — I’m sorry but you can unfollow me. I don’t know how much longer I have on this earth and I’m not going to waste any more of it trying to be someone I’m not.
Where my faith crisis will go from this point on, I don’t know. I don’t feel the sincere support from many people at this point so maybe I need to step away from these tight Catholic circles — in which I have felt like the worst possible person; in which people who are supposed to be strong, faithful Catholics have made me feel (as I’ve already said) like I’m inferior, unworthy of God’s love and mercy, and a mental burden when I share my health problems and journey.
So… here we go. New chapter.
Okay, that’s enough for now. I’m getting a headache from staring at the screen for the last couple of hours.
I hope you are all doing well and, again, my apologies if this disappoints anyone.
As always, thanks for reading and God bless!
Hi Melissa! I've been reading your blog for a bit now, but I've never commented before...
ReplyDeleteBut I decided to jump in and leave a comment on this post, because your thoughts definitely sparked some of my own thoughts, and reminded me of my own experiences. I can relate to being "too modern for the trads and too trad for the liberals", but after talking to my mom and several other people in my life about this, I've come to the conclusion that that means that I am living my life and my faith right in the middle, in the virtuous balance where I need to be. (Or at least, I try. I fail a lot, too. XD But God is good.)
I think that seeing the good in the secular world is an overwhelmingly good thing to do as a Catholic. We can't be the salt of the earth and the leaven of the world if we refuse to engage with the world. We have to engage with it at least to some extent in order to bring good into it! (I love secular movies, TV shows, and so on, as well, and I know manymanymany other Catholics who do.)
I hope that's encouraging in some way. :) God bless!
--Samantha
Hi.
ReplyDeleteI tried leaving a very long comment about how I'm going through the same thing, but it disappeared.
Can I email it instead?
:)
Did not know about your struggles. Will definitely add you to my prayers. I wouldn't be overly concerned by the sanctimonious on social media any more than I am about the complete degenerates. My cycles in piety definitely struggle sometimes through spiritual dryness and my own selfish pursuits and hobbies and some lower key health issues of my own (mostly blood pressure and fatigue related).
ReplyDeleteIf I might offer any advice, it would be to take a sort of Ignatian indifference on the larger things you can't control, sort of ease back from the formal vocational status and just concentrate on your health, one step at a time and maintain as much of a prayer life as you can keeping in mind Office, Rosary, etc are not obligatory and while force of habit can carry one through spiritual dryness if they get a sense of obligation attached to them, one can begin to resent them. Just keep on keeping on, as little as you can. God knows and understands.
There are things that parallel to my own life in what you have posted. You are not the only one who has beat themselves up wondering if they are good enough for God (a lot of it factoring from the expectations of other people's criticisms). Frankly, it is a struggling practice for me to ignore them and remember God's grace and charity, but it is there. Your posts seem to come around at the right times, and I often notice what resonates is when you are expressing yourself, the unique soul God made. So you are not losing those of us God is touching through your journey. Thank you for being vulnerable and true. I'm not always on social media but I do care to know how you're doing.
ReplyDelete