Yes, I know, controversial title. It'll all make sense in a bit. Yes, I have some very strong words to say to a couple of folks.
First of all, happy feast of St. Agatha! Mom and I went to daily Mass and hung around our beloved little parish for a good while this afternoon. It was the perfect way to celebrate the feast of my co-patroness for the year. As I mentioned in my Instagram post earlier today, I had a lovely chat with the parishioner I'm closest to and she assured me of prayers to St. Agatha for my health and vocation discernment. She was one of the first (along with another parishioner) to know I was in the beginning stages of discerning consecrated virginity so she knew the importance of today for me.
I'll admit that I didn't know much about St. Agatha -- or, really, most of the other virgin martyrs -- prior to a few months ago when she and St. Philomena started to regularly pop up in my life in November of last year. To paraphrase my parishioner friend, I don't believe their sudden presence in my life was a coincidence. The more I've learned about these brave and holy women, the more I feel like they're kindreds. Not just because of the physical purity but because their words very much encompass what I've been feeling and thinking for years.
I'll be the first to admit that while I was away from the Church, I wasn't thinking about saving myself for marriage because it was the right thing to do. No. I was afraid of what my father's reaction would be if I ever got pregnant. My father was very much the stereotypical Mexican man exuding machismo. I loved him very much but, yeah, you didn't mess with Dad or get on his bad side for anything. So, as I got older and *ahem* "invitations" to spend some alone time with certain young men were brought up, I quickly dismissed them. And, okay, I just didn't want to get pregnant either. (I'll touch on this in a bit.) Still, I don't believe it was a coincidence that God (and the guidance of the Holy Spirit and my guardian angel) kept me from making decisions I would've later regretted.
When I was 19-20 (read: baby undergrad) was when guys did not hold back when making their intentions (or lack thereof) known. There are three specific incidents that stand out in my mind, all happening within a year and a half of each other.
The first was a musician friend (who attended the same college as I did) who was the first guy to ever boldly declare his goal. He just "wanted to have some fun." Um, pass. Sorry, bruh. Being a cute musician with a killer accent (he was British) was not going to make this gal swoon. That was the last conversation I ever had with him. Unfortunately, that was not the last time I heard the "have some fun" phrase.
A few months later (shortly after I was offered a contract with an agency), my then-crush had found out I liked him. As he told me, he was "completely flattered" and "thought (I) was cute" but he didn't want anything serious. He just wanted to "have some fun." I guess he overestimated how much I liked him (and I did like him quite a bit) because he took 30 minutes to try to convince me to take a taxi cab (which he offered to pay for, by the way!) and "have some fun" with him. I threw every excuse I had in my arsenal at him. When he didn't succeed, he got very angry with me. The last thing he said to me was that he was going to take a cold shower before logging off abruptly. (Side note: This was in 2005 so we were still using AOL Instant Messenger). That was the last time I spoke to him.
A few months later, his older brother moved in with him and he somehow got me to add him on Myspace. He also "thought (I) was cute" but he was trying to approach it in a different manner. He wanted to see if we were compatible for a relationship. However, there were clues along the way that made me think that it was just something he wanted to try to do as a way to compete with his brother; like a bet. You know, "She won't sleep with you but maybe she will with me" sort of thing. I may have read too much into it but there were hints and red flags that made it seem that way. Not gonna happen, buddy.
Even though I was away from the Church at the time, the fact that was he was a proud atheist wasn't gonna pass with me. Sure, I hadn't attended Mass in years (had not been to confession or received the Eucharist even longer than that) and I was woefully ignorant of the Catholic faith (read: poorly catechized), I still identified myself as a Catholic. I knew that a Catholic and an atheist trying to have a relationship would not end well because of those differences. Needless to say, that went nowhere and I eventually (mercifully) lost touch with him as well. I'm pretty sure I blocked him if I'm being honest. lol.
I actually ended up reverting to the faith months after that so my encounters with such guys became increasingly rare as my social circle changed. Funnily enough, the last blog post I read by the last guy I mentioned was him complaining about the election process of Pope Benedict XVI. Apparently, he had been glued to his TV, waiting to see the white smoke that would tell the world that we had a new pope following the death of Pope St. John Paul II. He ended up getting angry at himself because he was an atheist and he didn't understand why he had been keeping a close eye on the new papal election. As he stated, he "didn't care." That's the sanitized version of what he wrote. Also, the fact that this is my most vivid memory of my time right before my reversion says a lot.
As the years have passed, I had better luck in the guy department but these types of guys never fully disappeared. In fact, I was still dealing with guys who were self-proclaimed faithful Catholics who were putting too much of an emphasis on the physical side of relationships as recent as a few months ago. I know all about the importance of the marital act in marriage but let's save that kind of talk for when it's appropriate, huh? I felt insulted when allusions to this sacred act were brought up because I felt like I was being disrespected. The guy clearly did not have chastity in mind when speaking to me. It made me want to yell, "My virginity is not a trophy to be won!" It wasn't the first time I've wanted to say it but it has been the last time (so far). And, if I'm being completely honest, this was the thing that pushed me towards seriously considering consecrated virginity when the vocation came up weeks later; the straw that broke the camel's back.
There have been a lot of factors that have gone into my decision to consider discerning consecrated virginity. I don't believe that all the experiences I had as a teenager up to my discernment to marriage a few months ago were coincidences either. I believe that everything has been leading up to this time and discernment. Of course, I had considered staying single over the years. People would say that it was because of my rotten luck with guys (seriously, worst luck ever) and that it would change when I found the right person, but I was always comfortable being single. It felt like the right thing for me.
I never complained about people who got engaged, got married, or found their significant others... nor did I understand why my single girlfriends would start ranting about being alone when these events happened. I've always loved Valentine's Day, proposals, and weddings. I've loved helping my guy friends plan their proposals to their now wives; I never envied them. I've always been a hopeless romantic, even when I've had no one in my life.
Yes, I deeply desired a family and the companionship because I didn't want to feel lonely, but it wasn't until recent months that I had that wonderful sense of family and community on a greater scale. I didn't need to be married to have a family; to belong to a community. I have my family, my friends, my Benedictine community, and my parish. I began to see how I could serve everyone, not just an immediate family, and do good for the Church in a special way.
As I mentioned earlier, the idea of being pregnant has never appealed to me. I can still picture 13-year-old me being horrified when friends were talking about childbirth because, nope, I totally did not want to know about or go through that.
Yes, I love babies. I love making them smile and laugh. I'm a total "baby whisperer"; God has given me the gift of knowing just how soothe crying and fussy babies. You can't take me to Disneyland or, really, anywhere where there are a lot of babies without having me coo over how cute they are or without me trying to make them smile. I'm very maternal towards the children of friends and family, too. You have a baby who needs a godmother? That child will be the most beloved child and I will fully commit myself to help you raise them into a faithful Catholic as the years go by. Still, the thought of having children of my own...? Well, I'm never been able to picture myself having them. Adopting? Sure. Having them physically? Not so much.
Even while discerning marriage, I had to try to make myself come to terms with the fact that babies were probably coming my way when I got married. In fact, I was relieved when my hematologist said I was able to have babies despite my platelet count. It took me by surprise, too, because I just have never envisioned babies for myself. Still, because I was discerning marriage, I had to basically force myself to get used to the idea of being pregnant and becoming a mother at some point. See where this might've created a major problem? Yeeeah.
It wasn't until I began to really learn about consecrated virginity as a vocation that it made sense to me. I'm skipping over a lot of specifics to be talked over with my spiritual director and Archbishop Gomez but let's say that the further I delve into it, the more it fits with my desires... and the more my past makes sense.
That overflowing love I feel in my heart? The one I've spoken about since the early days of my blog, back in 2007-2008? I can give that as a consecrated virgin. I can give it to Christ, the Church, and to those who I will have the honor to serve. That family I've always longed for? I already have it, just not in the traditional sense. The only thing that will be "hard" (though, not so much anymore; my heart belongs fully to Christ these days) is to give up the idea of companionship with a significant other. The sacrifice is giving up the idea of a husband and the constant dread of always being a disappointment to my mother since she's always wanted to be a grandmother; I was her only hope. She may say she supports me (at least, now she does) but you can see the disappointment written on her face.
Everything has led up to this. I've always considered companionship on an emotional level and never on a physical level which should've been my glaringly obvious clue all these years! The clues were always there... it just took St. Philomena popping up randomly in my life, having St. Agatha assigned as my patroness for the year, and the events that unfolded during the 54-day Rosary novena (read: the undoing of my discernment to marriage) for me to get to where I am now. What can I say? I'm slow sometimes. lol. But now that I have a clearer vision, a better understanding of myself, and some Heavenly allies, I'm excited to see what God has in store for me.
St. Agatha, please pray for me as I wait to begin this (possible) new chapter in my life. Always remind me that I must always strive to lead a holy life and do His will.
Anyway, this was the big post I wanted to write for St. Agatha's feast day. It took me longer than I wanted to write (I had article deadlines and other things to do first) but now it's out... and I'm glad I was finally able to say some of the things that only a small handful of people have known for years.
I hope y'all are having a lovely week thus far!
As always, thank you for reading and God bless!
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