It's official... I'm in love!

It's official... I'm in love! No, this is no clickbait title. I truly am in love.

I'm in "thinking only about them and not about myself" love.

I'm in "I would sacrifice my creature comforts; sacrifice that which gives me little moments of joy and pleasure for them" love.

I'm in "I finally understand what it means to truly be in love" love.

What brought this realization? Ven. Fulton Sheen's Three to Get Married.

I've been trying to finish this book for months now. Sadly, I'm still nowhere near done because I underline and leave a lot of comments in the margin. A lot -- it's that good! I often pause and think about what I've read and how it pertains to me before continuing. It's actually become part of my Lectio Divina routine since it is considered spiritual reading.

But, even before it became part of my (now) daily reading requirement, it was a source of a lot of food for thought. Even before I realized that I might've been called to something other than marriage and family (at least, in the traditional sense), it had begun changing my mindset on what love truly was and what it meant to me. To this day, the deeper I go into it, the more things make sense to me -- and the more I realize how truly in love I am!

After discussing wedding plans and what my future life with a certain someone would look like (when I was discerning marriage with said person), I decided to dust off the book and read it. It had been sitting on my bookshelf for years, gathering dust since I was determined not to get ahead of myself. No, I wanted to read it until I had begun discerning marriage with someone. I kept telling myself that I had no use for it "right now" because I had been single for so long. Now I regret not having read it sooner.

Yesterday, it got me to reflect on my past "loves" -- the (very, very few) young men I thought I had been in love with at some point in my life. Upon further reflection, I came to realize that I had been misusing the word for most of those crushes and/or relationships. It wasn't the kind of love God had intended. It was what Pope St. John Paul II would call utilitarian love; a love in which I thought about how it could be useful to me and what it could do for me. I know that sounds horrible but that's what my immature mind and heart craved for a long time in my teens into the early part of my reversion. There was a selfish component in which my feelings were at the forefront; where I only wanted what I wanted and, sure, I thought about them, too, but I was more focused on myself.

I wish I could say that I grew out of it but I would be lying if I didn't admit that it had crept up again in recent experiences. I thought about how the other person made me happy. Sure, I wanted what was best for them, too, but I would still think about myself and avoiding getting hurt in any way. I thought about how dependent I had become on them for my happiness and security. I had begun overlooking things that didn't sit well with me; things I knew, deep down, I should've spoken up against more often and without fear. Not fear of God but fear of how they would react and how much it would hurt me. Are we seeing the selfish pattern?

I had let the euphoric highs dictate things for far too long. They should've been -- and were when I didn't ignore them -- the first red flags that things weren't right but I was so caught up in my emotions. That's not to say I didn't have my lows. I did. When I came crashing down to earth, I hit hard and I ended up hating myself for it. Yes, hating myself. The passions were strong in me. But then another high would come and it would undo my resolution to not let myself be caught up in those feelings. It wasn't until Our Lady stepped in and interceded that I knew things couldn't continue. That's when I began on the path I'm currently on.

After all those reflections, I came to the conclusion that I've been in love -- in the true sense of the word as I'm coming to understand it -- only once in my life. I will say that I am so grateful that I can claim that the only person I've ever truly loved (in a romantic sense) is someone whom I still admire and respect.

"So," you may be wondering, "are you saying that you're still in love with said person? Is this your big, romantic gesture towards them?"

No. Although I'm truly grateful for having had that experience, there is no future -- at least, not in the romantic sense, for him and I. He is someone I still care deeply for but I've realized that I'm in love with Someone Else. In a surprising (or unsurprising, perhaps) plot twist, I actually came to realize how truly in love I am with Christ! Insert your own surprising level here. Go ahead, I'll wait for whatever reaction you're having to pass. lol.

The more I think about love and the more I think about the possibility of beginning my official discernment to consecrated virginity, the more it makes sense to me. There was always something lacking in my past relationships and crushes. Even with the only man I had ever felt true love for, I couldn't picture a future with him. There was a reason for it, which now makes me laugh in hindsight. He taught me about what it was to love unselfishly and what it meant to will the good of the other but I could never picture myself married to him for a reason I now understand. With the rest, perhaps I could've seen a future with them but I can now see why things didn't work out; why things worked out as they have. God has opened my eyes to see where there would've been major problems. I can see where we would've been unhappy and where the love would've continued down a utilitarian route. Perhaps not just (or at all) on my side but I could see where there would've been a breakdown in loving the other person as God intended. I didn't want to be used nor did I want to use the other person so I'm grateful for everything that has happened to date. I now fully understand why things never truly felt right to me in any of those relationships.

So, yes, I have come to realize that I have fallen in love with Christ. When I think about the ultimate and greatest act of love mankind has ever known -- His crucifixion and death for the salvation of all of humanity -- the more I understand what love and the more I want to imitate that love. And by that, I mean that I want to fully die to myself and serve others. I want to let go of my selfishness and be more charitable. In a nutshell, I want to become even more Benedictine  -- to humble myself so that others always come before me; to serve; to become as little and unimportant as possible. Okay, so that last part is also partly St. Therese-inspired.

Just as Christ loved His Church, I want to do what I can for her. As fragile and feeble as I am, I can still offer up my ailments and moments of distress for the clergy and the good of the Church. I want to give as much of myself as I can. I want to give the rest of my life for His greater glory in whichever way I can. The beautiful part is that I know I can do -- and have begun doing -- this as a Benedictine Oblate. As a novice, I've already seen how my life has changed for the better; how my heart is opening to the plea of others in a way I haven't seen in many years. I had unintentionally hardened my heart in recent years. Now, it's all begun to revert to how things were prior to this hardening. All credit goes to my being an Oblate novice. Just the thought of making my Final Act of Oblation fills me with tears of joy and happiness.

Furthermore, I can also do this as a consecrated virgin. If it's God's will -- and my Oblate master, spiritual director, and Archbishop Gomez agree -- I will begin my official discernment soon. I'm still waiting to hear from my Oblate master; to make sure a discernment won't interfere with my novitiate as I know we cannot make certain vows as Oblates. I also have my next spiritual direction meeting coming up. To say I'm excited to see what God has in store for me is an understatement.

If for whatever reason God doesn't will for me to become a consecrated virgin, I will accept it. If He wants me to stay single but simply make private vows, I will do it. If He is just preparing my heart for a man with whom I can live out this love for Christ, I also accept it. I meant it when I said I wanted nothing more than to do His will for my life.

The only thing I'm certain of -- the only thing that brings me simultaneous joy and peace -- is that I am called to become a Benedictine Oblate. And, as an Oblate, I am called to love and serve God and others with the gifts He has given me.

So, that's where I am. This was no clickbait title. I am in love and a deep love at that. My heart overflows with it, especially now that it's becoming softer. Just when I thought it wasn't possible for me to love God any more, my heart grows and expands, surprising (yet not) me in the process.

Please keep me in your prayers as I continue to explore this love for God and discern my vocation in the process. I continue to pray for you all as well. :)

As always, thank you for reading and God bless!