Shhh! Silence!

It took me a week and a half to update this blog because I've been trying to embrace the silence in my life, including that which comes from eschewing social media and technology as much as possible.

When the New Year started, I decided to embrace the silence and calm of Advent and extend it all year 'round. I've felt burnt out on social media -- and the internet in general -- for so long that take any and every opportunity to stay offline. I love that I can go days without logging in and people don't notice. I suspect that no one really cares, either. It's both humbling and wonderful.

Of course, it's not easy to stay completely offline. Almost everyone in my life seems to live on social media... or, at the very least, use it to communicate rather than sending emails or text messages. I've tried to get a few people to text more regularly so I can use social media less but it seems like too much of a hassle to them. Thankfully, my best friend probably dislikes social media more than I do so our friendship is lived out offline, albeit through texts since we're both in different countries at the moment.

I use the internet for work as well. I can't write or send in my work without the use of it. Although I sometimes wish I had something else to do, I do actually enjoy writing. It also seems to be what God wants me to continue doing. Trust me, there have been times when I've said, "God, what else can I do?" during Mass and an internal voice says, "Write. Just write" before I get a lot more writing work.

I'll admit that I envy those who have fuller lives offline, giving them excuses to avoid the use of it. I admire (and envy) my best friend and two other dear friends who are so busy with work (bestie) and their families (two other friends) that they don't have a lot of time to sit around to scroll through Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, etc. I wish that were the case for me -- that I had other things going on that would give me an excuse to avoid it.

Actually, my time has been taken up by prayer and housework lately. I pray as many hours in the Divine Office and the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary. In fact, I took a break from writing this to pray Vespers. Do you know how long it takes me to get through all my morning prayers when I wake up -- and I do intentionally pray before I do anything else? Anywhere between half an hour to an hour, depending on how much I have to do and how asleep I am. If you think that's too long, think about how much time you spend scrolling through social media each morning. Yes, that's where I got my time to pray -- using social media less and using that time to pray in silence. Ditto with housework.

I enjoy the silence. I didn't always use to. In fact, silence made me uncomfortable. If I'm being completely honest, it still occasionally does. Sometimes I feel like I need to have an audiobook, a podcast, or some music on even when I'm trying to fall asleep.

Why is that? If I feel so overstimulated, why do I feel the need to fill the silent moments with more noise instead of just letting my mind simmer down in the silence? For those of you who feel burnt out and overstimulated by noise and social media, I ask the same questions. Think about them. Why do you add more when you already feel overwhelmed?

For me, it came down to the fact that it's because it's what I've been accustomed to... and what scared me. Most of us are used to having dozens of things going on at once. Most of us can't even read one book at a time; we need to have at least two going on at once. We have many tabs on our browsers open. We have our phones closely because of the FOMO and the addiction to those pesky notifications. We have music or something on in the background while we do just about anything in our waking hours.

I had one big question to ask myself as I embarked on this journey: What was I so afraid of that I needed to keep noise in my life at all times? I'm still not quite sure I know the full answer but I have a feeling that perhaps I've been afraid of hearing what God had to say to me.

I'm genuinely afraid that I won't have the strength or courage to do what God may call me to do. I fear that I'll just crumble under stress or discouragement if I fail to do what is asked of me. I did that with my vocation discernment for a long time. When I finally opened up myself to whatever God willed for me -- even if it was something that took me away from something I wanted to do -- the silence stopped bothering me as much. Opening up myself to His will and not my own helped... but I still occasionally have my moments of self-doubt and that's when I want to default to bringing in more noise into my life.

As a budding Benedictine Oblate, I've had to learn to use my time more purposefully; to not waste it away like I use to. I try to work AND pray in silence as much as possible. Think cleaning an apartment in which two adult women live is easy? Nope. It's neverending cleaning, cooking, and washing. Instead of waiting to clean one or two days a week, I try to do little bits every day. I try to do one thing at a time because my concentration is so horrendous from multitasking for most of my life; also done in silence since I've found that it helps with concentration. All of that silence and work adds up and that usually means I don't have much time for anything else before I have to (correction: choose to) shut my devices (iPod touch, iPhone, Kindle, laptop, TV, etc.) off.

As I try to keep up with the Divine Office AND the Little Office, I have less time to scroll aimlessly through social media. I turn off all social media and emails at 9:59 p.m. and don't pick them up again until the following day. If I don't feel tired enough to sleep at 10 p.m., I take out a book and read. I'm trying to "wean" myself off of using the Kindle at night, opting to use a booklight and read a physical book. I've had a weird sleeping schedule (anywhere between 2 a.m. and 6 a.m.) for about two weeks now so I'm trying to see if that helps get my internal clock back on track.

In the morning, I don't touch anything that isn't part of my prayer routine. Most days lately, I don't even have time to go on social media until the afternoon because I spend most of the early morning hours praying or making breakfast or doing something else. It's a routine that I've been loving most days. Yes, some days are harder than others -- especially when I'm feeling more sociable -- but it's been what has best worked for me and my spiritual life.

It all comes back to God. I'm embracing silence to best hear Him, even if I fear I'll fail. I'm embracing the Benedictine spirituality because it's what's helped me grow in my spiritual life the most; what's helped my relationship with God. Yes, that sometimes means praying when I can be doing something else like sleeping or chatting online. I choose to pray before I do anything because I know that as soon as I check emails and/or social media, I won't be able to concentrate on the prayers. All of this is done as quietly and intentionally as possible.

My routine isn't perfect. Sometimes I will log into social media or hit the "email" app out of habit. Sometimes I will turn on the KUSC or Overdrive apps because silence is bothering me. When this happens, it usually means I need to stop and listen to what God may be trying to say to me. Still, I try and start over if I have to. That's better than giving up or not even trying in the first place.

Does anyone else have the occasional problem with silence? If so, have you figured out what has been causing it? If you've been able to break a social media habit or the habit to have continuous noise in your life, do you have any tips you can share?

Anyway, that's it for now. I'm sure a lot of what I wrote was me going around in circles or not making much sense but I needed to get it out as a way to hold myself accountable for continuing this routine. That and it's almost 8 p.m. and I haven't had dinner yet. Oops. Yet another thing that I will need to do that will cut into my social media time before 10 p.m. Darn. ;)

I hope you've all been having a lovely month so far.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!