Another weekend came and went and still no Mass for me. That makes it 6 weeks in a row, a new record for me. Siiigh. I can't begin to describe how lousy and uncomfortable I feel missing Mass. I didn't feel right yesterday. I drove to our usual grocery store get food a couple of hours before the last Mass but I wasn't feeling that great in that short drive. As soon as it started drizzling again, I knew it wasn't going to happen. I was disappointed in myself and in general. Yes, I know, I have excuses because I've been too lightheaded to drive by myself which puts me and others at risk. Yes, I know two of those weekends were spent in bed. Still, sometimes I feel like I don't try hard enough.
I've had more than one priest tell me that I'm too hard on myself but sometimes I feel like I don't try hard enough. I'm the only one in this household who drives. Our neighbors either don't go to Mass or they go at different times and we can't catch them in time to tag along. Public transportation while lightheaded makes me even more nervous due to past experiences where I've felt like nearly passing out. Taxi and Uber can be costly round-trip. a parish priest at the nearest church has been known to use incense often which isn't bad except the last two times I've felt like I couldn't breathe and got more lightheaded. The majority of other nearby parishes don't have Mass past noon which stinks because sometimes the lightheadedness gets better later in the day. What else am I missing that I can do?
Sometimes I wonder if the lightheadedness is a weak excuse to not drive to Mass. I've been told, more than once, it's dangerous so I tend to not drive when I'm really lightheaded. I know it's caused by the low red blood count (anemia) as well as the low folate level. I can't kneel at Mass for more than a couple of seconds for the same reason (blood doesn't circulate as well as it could). Are these excuses enough? Or am I just using the excuses to not try harder?
I guess I'm wondering about this because the sting of the last confession with my former spiritual director still lingers. Last night I had the thought that perhaps he's right; perhaps I don't have what it takes to be a faithful Catholic. I can't even make it to Mass, how can I call myself a faithful Catholic when I'm missing a huge part of what is required of us? I also thought about how I can keep praying and asking for health issues to get resolved when I can't even go to Mass for God. Am I just a really terrible Catholic? For the record, these thoughts didn't linger but it did plant a seed of uneasy in me.
Anyway, I'm writing this to keep myself accountable. I don't want to make this "No Mass" streak any longer. I have been eating better and taking folic acid more frequently (when I don't forget it... or it gets put away by someone who is not me) so I hope that it'll help with the lightheadedness. If anyone has any tips, please send them my way!
Tomorrow, the 54-day Rosary novena begins. I'm excited about all the people who have signed up to get reminders! Last time we had no more than 5-6 so nearly 20 people (that I know of, anyway) this time around is huge. You can always join in, even if you don't let me know. ;)
Alright, the trick-or-treaters are starting to come out so I'm going to go hide. If there's a Grinch-equivalent for Halloween, I'm totally one. I've never liked Halloween, even as a child. Talk to me about All Saints' Day and All Souls' Day and you'll find yourself an excited camper. ;)
I hope y'all have a lovely, safe night (especially those going out) and had a lovely weekend! :D
As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D