Friday, April 11, 2014

Lack of Blogging Due to Apathy and Fatigue

Yes, the blog post title pretty much tells you why I haven't blogged in almost a week and a half. I didn't plan it out that way (in fact, I have two blog posts waiting in the wings that I haven't gotten a chance to post) but... I'll explain what happened.

I felt a bit sick last Friday (the day I had planned the next blog post) and I was overwhelmed with school stuff so I took the weekend off to rest. I said to myself "the latest What I Learned Wednesday blog post is pretty solid so no big deal." And then Sunday came along, I missed Mass (anxiety was too crazy for me to drive... and I'm the only one who drives in this house) and I just didn't want to write. Come Monday, I started feeling incredibly apathetic (and fatigued) about everything... prayers, checking things off of my Lenten "to-do" list, etc. I have two theories, which I will share with you because I need to get this out and writing is my outlet.

Theory one: I found out recently that ASHA (American Speech-Language-Hearing Association) got strict with the grad school/certification requirements for future Speech-Language pathologists, which means I have to take three additional classes making my four-class semesters into five-class semesters. The three additional classes: Statistics, Chemistry, and Biology/Anatomy. I'd already been told that the program was intense... and it just got more intense. To top it off, since I graduated with my first B.A. two years ago, I have to take a math placement exam on Monday to hopefully test into Stats. Unfortunately, I took my last math class three years ago so this entire weekend will be spent cramming. I seem to have forgotten almost everything so I'll be doing a boatload of problems to study. My theory is that because of all of this stress (which started about Thursday evening) I've been in "shut down" mode; that means I don't feel like doing anything so I don't. If I feel forced to do something my anxiety gets worse... and I shut down.
And, please, no one say "you just need to trust God" because I am trusting Him and I'm sure that everything will be okay but with my school anxiety the stress still exists. I have to get used to the new plans is all. A "trust in Him" reminder is going on my desk for when I feel really stressed out so, I'm good. No need to say it to me. :)

Theory two: I was doing so well during Lent -- reading the St. Therese book, daily Gospel readings, being on top of my prayers throughout the day, going a while without the need for confession (a personal best for me), doing novenas, etc. -- and then... apathy and fatigue. Again this all hit last Thursday night so Theory One works out... except that it shouldn't have affected my prayer life as bad. Last time I was this stressed out about something, I prayed harder and I wasn't so "ugh, don't want this" about my prayer life. My theory is that someone's not happy that I've had (up until late last week) a very fruitful Lenten season... and I'll give you one guess who that someone is. I've tried really, really hard to keep praying but either I don't get up early enough to do morning prayers (I haven't been able to sleep for days and I wake up almost at noon most days) or I can't concentrate on my prayers and meditations because I'm so mentally (and physically) exhausted. The sudden feeling of overwhelming apathy is a pain and something I haven't felt in years. It's pretty bad but I'm trying. Again, it may just be a form of spiritual attack. I don't know. I just hope I can go to confession tomorrow and to Mass because I haven't been to either in 3 weeks tomorrow. Prayers please?

Anyway, that's why I haven't blogged in days. I was originally just going to stop blogging daily because I felt like the quality of blog posts during Lent was going downhill. It was hard trying to come up with something to write about when I had so many other things to do during the day. Like I said, I did/do have blog post topics listed but haven't had a chance to write them out. I totally had to force myself to write this too because I'm done with letting the apathy win. I didn't want to write (and still) but I'm doing my best.

For the record, if you're wondering, I have caught up with my prayers and my St. Therese book. I was only a few days behind (last Saturday through yesterday) on the book. I'm going to keep at it even though I don't feel like it. I'm trying. It's hard but I'm trying.

And that is it for now. I have to go study math. *groan* Wish me luck... or say a prayer to St. Joseph of Cupertino (patron of exam takers), St. Hubert of Liege (patron of mathematicians), St. Thomas Aquinas (patron of students) or Bl. Pier Giorgio (personal patron for school related things) for me if you can spare one.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

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