Monday, February 17, 2014

Youthful Looks, Childlike Wonder, and How Opinions Affect Me

This is not going to be one of those "wah, no one takes me seriously" posts. It's going to be... well, you'll see. It's going to be relatively short, too. ;)

I have something that is both a blessing and a "curse" -- my youthful looks. I have to admit, it's kind of funny to see people's eyes bug out when I tell them I'm a decade older than they think I am. I usually get between the ages of 16 and 20 (with 19 being the most common age guessed) even though I'm actually a few short months away from my 29th birthday. Yes, I know it's not lady-like to say how old I am but most people don't believe me anyway. However, as fun as that may be at times, it's also a "curse" because people don't take me as seriously as I'd like because they think I am too young.

Here is my dilemma: life is a continuous learning experience and I still have very "child-like wonder" when it comes to certain things. I'm interested in seeing how things work and/or learning new things I don't know much about so I tend to ask a lot of questions. A lot. I don't care if the questions sound silly; if I want to know something, I'll ask in a way that will help me get the information I'm looking for. Sometimes I get these "where did that come from?" or "wow, how precocious" comments because they think I'm just a kid. It can be a little insulting at times but I've gotten use to it at this point.

Long story short... I was listening to Sr. Mary Magdalene of the Divine Heart (formerly Channing Dale)'s old podcast, This Catholic Life (still up on iTunes), and the fifth episode (in which she talks about St. Therese of Lisieux) reminded me of an old blog post I wrote a few years ago about having that childlike wonder. I can't find that blog post now but I do remember writing and posting it. Anyway, it got me thinking about how different my blog posts were then versus how they are now.

Now, I know that it shouldn't be a surprise that the posts are different. I was 22 years old when I started this blog; that was 6 years ago this past Christmas. I know that I've grown and changed... but I've also become very aware that a big part of why my posts have changed has been because of others' opinions of me and what I should be writing about. Look at my posts from May 2009 and earlier and compare it to one of 2010 and later. Completely different tones. Yes, you can also say that my father's death really changed me but I really think it's more of the comments I got.

Anyway, as I was listening to the podcast (and reminding myself that I needed to find something else to give up for Lent), it hit me that I've lost the joy of blogging because I feel like I can't express myself the way I was used to. I feel like I've gotten so much of the "oh, how cute; she's so young!" comments (along with the very "helpful" comments about what I should and should not write) that I've stifled that part of myself in order to not seem as young as I look. I took listening to Sr. Mary Magdalene's voice to make me realize just how utterly silly that is. I am still very young at heart and I still have that childlike wonder even though I'm in my late 20s. Yes, this is why I get excited about going to Disneyland. lol.

What's the point to all of this? Well... just be prepared for the "old" "precocious" Emmy to start writing again. I'm sorry but I'm done caring what negative things others say about me. It's taken this people-pleaser years to get out of the habit but I'm prepared to really give it up for Lent... and for good. It's going to be easier said than done but I am writing it because I want to be held accountable. So, if you see me going down that road on Twitter... feel free to call me out on it.

I'm sure some of you will read some of my upcoming blog posts and say to yourselves "ugh, you didn't know that?" or "ugh, why are you asking such a dumb question?" but I want you to remember that I am still learning about the faith and about life in general. I am still very young in some ways and I may not always be eloquent in how I ask things but it's because I am so enthusiastic in what I am learning that I cannot always contain that excitement. Please, bear with me.

Also, a friendly reminder: "childlike" and "childish" are two completely different things that should not be confused with each other. Capisce? lol.

Just a little heads up in case you don't want to keep going on this journey with me; it won't hurt my feelings.

Anyway, I really want to finish listening to episode 6 before I do anything else so that's it for now. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

2 comments:

Kaylin said...

YOU GO EMMY! hehe

Christopher Wallace said...

Inspiring post, KS! And, I'm not just saying that. God bless you always! =)