Thursday, September 22, 2011
To Walk or Not to Walk...
Lately I've been seriously thinking about whether or not I will walk on stage at my graduation in the Spring. Some of my friends/classmates are opting not to since they've attended previous graduation ceremonies my school's had and they all say it's pretty mind-numbingly bad. That and, well, we're all in the "hey, this isn't an orthodox Catholic college! Get me out of here!" boat. The speakers aren't that great (from what I've heard) and it's a 4-5 hour ceremony because they include Associates, Bachelors and Masters graduates into one big ceremony. Add the fact that my school has a history of inviting pro-abortion speakers and you get a very unhappy me. If by some miracle Archbishop Gomez was invited to speak and actually accepted then I would not hesitate but I'm not holding my breath. And, to be completely honest, I feel kind of like a fraud. I don't think I really earned my degree 'cause I learned nothing except how to defend myself against those who don't teach Catholicism in an orthodox manner... oh, and I might've gotten a little more mischievous when coming up with prank ideas. That's pretty much it. lol.
If it were up to me (and only had myself to consider) I wouldn't do it. We all know I'm not my school's biggest fan and that I'm just going through the motions to graduate. They assault me with liberation theology and feminist rants on a daily basis; my reaction isn't a surprise. It's sad that I won't look back at my time at this school fondly (except for time spent with some good friends) but que sera, sera. However, I have to think about how much it would've meant to my dad and how much it means to my mom to see me walk.
See, the thing is that I'm a first generation college student in my family. No one's graduated high school, let alone college. The fact that I'm going to graduate (God willing) is a huge deal for them. My mom likes to tell everyone that I'm a few months from graduating while I blush a bright red and tell her to not make a big deal out of it. An older brother and sister-in-law were here last week and when my mom started talking about it, I went and hid in my room while I felt my face flushed. lol. I know if my dad were still alive he'd tell me that if I didn't want to go I wouldn't have to... though he would later try to guilt trip me into reconsidering it. lol. My mom will most likely "talk to" (and by talk I mean bug -- and I say that in the most loving way, lol) me until I cave and say I'm going... but I don't know.
That brings me to something else. I'm currently going through this period of trying to figure out when it's okay to do what I want and when to go on as I have before. I've (pretty much) always been a people pleaser; always done what I was told or what was expected of me. I've given up a lot -- oh boy, have I ever -- but I'm not regretting my decisions. I'm not complaining. I'm just at a point where I've been feeling a little selfish and this decision is one in which I am struggling. I really don't think I want to do the whole graduation thing (I'm not even taking my picture for the yearbook with their own photographer since that's more money they want to suck out of my already microscopic wallet). If they have another pro-abortion speaker spewing their agenda I'm going to be uncomfortable. A 4-5 hour ceremony sounds torturous... especially since I'll be somewhere at the end (Religious Studies is amongst the last listed majors) so I'll have to sit through the entire thing. I would much rather go to Disneyland with a bunch of friends and celebrate that way. But, do I want to pick this as my first big selfish decision and deprive my mother out of seeing her only child (and I am my mother's only child as my siblings are half-siblings on dad's side) graduate? I mean, she's already seen my graduate. I was the first to walk on stage at my high school graduation since I finished early and I sort of gave the Valedictorian speech. (side note: I am currently blushing typing that out.) I know this is college and it's a whole different ballgame but I just don't know.
So that, ladies and gentlemen, is my dilemma. I unfortunately have to make a decision soon since the school is asking us to let me know whether or not we will walk so they can make the necessary arrangements. I know, for sure, I am not doing the yearbook picture thing... nor the school/class ring... or pretty much anything that will make me dip into the savings I've just started rebuilding. And I thought trying to figure out what I was going to write my Thesis on was hard (another side note: I already picked my topic ;D); this is harder.
Anyway, I just gave myself a little break to update y'all on what's going on with me. Still a whole lot of nothing except schoolwork. Good news is that I've got my professors figured out so I know what to do to save myself time when studying. :D Still doing the music purge. I'm down to triple digits. I had to delete A LOT of music. I'll update y'all with more detail soon. The skirt experience will probably re-start in October since I lost a bit of weight and I need to get myself some new duds. (Don't worry, it's not intentional or an illness; I just cut down on sugar and a lot of junk foods for my own health.) I do have some pretty exciting "Oh boy, I'm getting published again" news. Not for Envoy Magazine (though, yes, I have another article in the latest issue) but something else. Y'all will know soon enough. :D
Okay, now I'm just procrastinating. lol. I should go and try to finish my coursework so I can enjoy my first long weekend since last month. :)
I hope everyone is doing great and hope y'all have a great weekend. :D
As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!