Lately it seems that God keeps showing me just what I saved myself from by turning my back on a couple of things in my teen years and early 20s.
For example: today I ran into an ex-boyfriend of mine. I hadn't seen him since a few weeks before high school graduation... or, I should say, my graduation as I found out today that he ended up dropping out while graduated a year and a half ahead of schedule. Two things led me to an early graduation: my father having cancer the first time around (in 2002) and my anxiety which led me to do independent study. I finished my entire senior year as well as part of my junior year in a single semester. 13 classes in 3 months. I didn't know the meaning of sleep during those months. I will gladly show you my transcripts if you don't believe me. Oh yeah... I've always been a hardcore nerd. lol. Anyway, I have no idea how I managed to do it but I did.
When I graduated high school, I took time off to take care of my father. When I did this I said goodbye to my social life as well as someone I was sort of seeing... who, by the way, was Mormon so we had different beliefs. I was a lapsed Catholic during this time and, though I still had my faith and no one could persuade me to convert to another religion, I'd been a little more careless when it came to who I dated. Anyway, by turning my back on the social circle I was in (which was not healthy to start with) and focusing on my father as well as myself, I was able to avoid who knows what. There were plenty of invites to go out and get crazy. Today, through my ex, I found out that I am one of the last (if not the last) of our childhood friends/classmates to either get married and/or have kids. At 25 (which the majority of us already are) everyone is settling or has been settled for several years. That doesn't sound bad except that the stories don't seem to have happy endings and it makes me sad to hear that. I actually felt very bad for my ex until he started hitting on me but that's a whole 'nother story. lol. From our chat I realized that not only I did the right thing by (in a sense) abandoning my chances of "having a good time" and rebelling just like everyone else did (oh, the sad stories I could tell you about old friends)... God was slowly putting me back on track. It took my father's battles with cancer as well as my own struggle with anxiety (which I still fight on occasion) to get me where I am now but these things ended up being blessings in disguise.
Have I thanked God enough for everything he's done for me? I don't think I have. I think that there's so much more that I can still do to show my gratitude. As many of my closest friends will tell you, I always say that I am truly grateful for everything I've gone through, especially the really bad things. I mean, I'm actually starting to thank God out loud when I get my panic attacks or when I get sick. I know it may sound twisted but if it's through suffering that I returned to God and the Church and if it's through pains and attacks that I am reminded of where I am and who I am today then I am happy and willing to suffer through it. That's something I learned from St. Gemma Galgani and something that is now etched into my heart and mind. I still don't think I am worthy enough to be called a "victim soul", one who suffers for others while on earth, but if I am strong enough to endure these things so that others don't than I am willing to carry this cross for as long as God wants. :)
Alright, I wish I could write more but it's already getting late and I have a lot of things to do so I should end this post. :) I think y'all have enough of my writing for one day. lol. :D
I hope y'all are having a great start of week. :D
As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.