Thursday, January 22, 2009

Freedom!!!; Eve of St. Agnes and the Knowing Future; No Winner Yet!

"... but you will never take my freedom!" Alright, so I'm paraphrasing that quote but whatever. I am happy (ECSTATIC!) that I've finally been given the "okay" by my therapist to drive! You guys have NO CLUE how long I've been waiting for this moment! I know how to drive (very slowly, but still) but had to wait to get the okay to re-start the whole process to get my license. I couldn't before because the DMV had the right to refuse me a license while I had no control of how I would control my anxiety. My therapist said I'd made huge progress in the last couple of months, and a solo outing this past Tuesday pretty much sealed the deal, I was given the "okay" to go for it. *does happy dance* You don't know what a pain it is to have people drive you everywhere. Whenever I don't feel like going out, my chauffeur (aka dad) would want to go out. When I was feeling fantastic and wanted to get out, he'd refuse. Hopefully this new development will allow me to regain the independence I once had. I'm not going to go crazy, but it'll be nice to be able to get out when I'm feeling up for it. Being trapped in the house eventually makes you batty. I speak from experience. lol. And, hey, now I can go to confessions and Mass without having dad get upset with me (because he was missing a football [soccer] match). Of course, I have no idea when I'll finally get my license but the fact that I now can is super exciting. :D

Alright, so, the feast day for St. Agnes was yesterday but I still wanted to mention it because I'm very curious about something. Did any young women do the whole ritual on the eve of her feast day? I know this particular thing was famously mentioned in one of John Keats' narrative poems, so I was wondering if anyone actually did it. I was contemplating doing it, just for kicks and out of curiosity, but I didn't for two reasons. First, because it's a superstition and superstitions are frowned upon in the Church. Do I want to go to confession and admit to doing this? Not so much. Second, I got to thinking -- if it was true and it did work, WOULD I want to know who my future husband is? If I had the chance to know something about my future, would I take it? I kept thinking of that last question and applied it to everything in general. I came to the conclusions that, no, I would NOT want to know anything about the future. Maybe it's the adventurous side in me (yes, I do have one. lol) that doesn't want anything spoiled.

There's something beautiful about not knowing exactly what God has in store for you. I used to get very frustrated with not knowing what would happen. I (thankfully) outgrew that way of looking at things. I think a lot of people do have that within them though, especially with how grim everything in the world is looking. Everything happens for a reason. If you go through a tragedy or an illness, there's a reason behind it. I don't see these things as punishments for doing something wrong/bad. They're just things that happen to make you see/realize something you'd been missing. For example, me and my constant issues with anxiety. On the downside: I've missed a lot of things because of it. I graduated from high school a year and a half before I was supposed to, yet I'm not done with college yet. Upside: I've changed who I was for the better. MUCH better. There were a lot of negative aspects of myself that I had and I've been able to eliminate through the illness. I've also been able to see who my real friends were, which has my life a lot sunnier and less dramatic.

I had one "friend" resorted to bad mouthing me to anyone who would listen, a few years ago. Granted, I probably deserved a portion of what she said because part of what she said was true (see, I can own up to my part in that problem) but the lengths she went to were a bit extreme. To have someone you thought you trusted do such a thing to you, well... you can just imagine. Regardless what she did to me, I've long forgiven her for it. I'm actually extremely grateful that she did this (okay, well not EXTREMELY, but pretty close, lol) because it showed me that I was strong enough to handle something like this. I didn't know I was capable of letting things go, not holding any grudges, and having the courage to not retaliate. If this had happened a few years ago, I would've put up a fight. Oh yeah, I was that feisty/defensive. But since getting sick, I've realized that it isn't the way to go. There's so much hate and anger in this world, I don't want to contribute to that. (All of this will be in the novel, trust me.)

So, y'all see why I wouldn't want to know about what the future has in store for me? If I hadn't gone through what I went through, and if I had known what the outcome would've been... I would have NEVER really grown up and changed. (However, if you did the St. Agnes thing, please let me know. I'm curious about this. lol).

Alright, so, before I go I have to say that NO ONE HAS WON YET! No one's been able to successfully figure out. I will give ONE away because it's one of the hardest ones. Kasabian's "Club Foot" is common ground. Both Will and I love that song (basically, for the same reason/memory), and it's also a turning point for both characters in the novel. No one thinks I'd like that song... but you do now. lol. I'm also upping the "prize". The first 3 chapters of the novel for the winner. Good luck! :D

I've written a novel on here, haven't I? Well, I guess I'll shut up and stop typing now. :D Hope everyone has had a great week so far! As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!

Oh, P.S. if you're following my Twitter -- fever finally broke after 48 hours with it going up and down... and I'm feeling fantastic now. Thanks for your prayers!


God Fanboy said...

WAIT! dont give all the answers out yet. I'm working on it. Is there a closing day for the contest?

Miss C.N.W. said...

Until someone guesses them right -- that's the deadline.